Porn Addiction, Rebooting & Crossdressing

[Promethea]

I´m surprised by the tone in most of the replies here.

We can´t say crossdressing is related to this or that, or means this or that, for anyone other than ourselves. Something that this forum taught me is that it is different for each of us and it is all ok!
Crossdressing is linked to porn for a lot of people. And then for a lot of people it isn´t.
For a lot of people crossdressing is a part of them that shouldn´t and can´t be abandoned. And for a lot of people it isn´t.
And porn is harmless for a lot of people. But for a lot of people it is something that takes too much of their lives and gets to a point where they are not happy with it. And that definition of happiness, and of what we accept in our lives or not, is, as well, entirely personal.

We shouldn´t be judging others for taking different choices.

Julia, your crossdressing doesn´t necessarily have to go away after the reboot. You say it triggers sexual cues, but as you said that is ok as long as there is another person involved, and many people do involve their partners in their crossdressing. Anyway, at this point, I don´t think you should be worrying about what may or may not happen with your crossdressing. The most important is for you to deal with your porn addiction, and see what happens next. Only you will know if you can still crossdress or not.
And don´t be afraid to get help from a therapist. Quitting anything on your own is very difficult.

[danielletorresani]

Cross dressing and porn are totally unrelated.

If you cross dress for fetish reasons then you'll have to stop that. When I dress there is nothing "sexual" about it.

Why on earth do you assume that everyone must do it for the same reasons you do?!?

CD'ing and porn can be VERY releated. It is for the author of this thread and it is for me as well. It's pretty rude to dismiss someone's feelings out of hand like this.

Might as well say, "men don't wear women's clothes. Stop it."

As a CD, you should bear a strong witness that not all brains work the same.

[makin' it real]

Danielle? It's possible Jennifer might actually be acknowledging and supporting the OP with that comment. The OP began the thread saying she got into CDing through progression in sexual fetish rather than through some pre-existing organic drive in her nature. So Jennifer's comment that if the OP wants to stop porn-related masturbation then she might need to stop the dressing along with it, seems right in line with the OP's original statements. No judgement implied.

Here is a tedx talk on porn addiction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82...layer_embedded

Julia Roze, thank you for this link. I found the research this guy cites matches my own experiences when I overuse porn. I think porn is a problem for me personally and a huge unacknowledged problem for Western cultures in general. I shared your link with my psych students so they will have more resources to work with their patients as well.

Thanks again, and I wish you all the best.

~Rachel

[Maria in heels]

Julia...are you sure that your "addiction to porn" and dressing are the same things? The dressing may result in sexual stimulation, but I think that is part of the "fantasy" portion of dressing. If you are truly a fetish dresser, then it is just another outlet for stimulation. On the other hand, if you dress to be yourself first, and then, you become stimulated, its more as if Julia needs to come out and then she just wants to be happy. Think about it a little more...

[Mollyanne]

I have been dressing for about 50 some odd years and find that it stimulates me at times, calms me at times, and just makes me feel feminine at times. I LIKE all of my emotions and personally I have come to accept the fact that I am wired differently. Do I like porn????? Yes I do, I find that it is stimulating and helps me achieve sexual release when I have a need to. Reboot, NO NO NO, I don't think I would do it.

Molly

[Erica2Sweet]

I think you're wise to do this. There was a study in Italy you might be interested in. They surveyed thousands of young men under 30 (not older men), and they discovered that with the proliferation of available internet porn, there is an abnormally high percentage of younger men who are supposed to be at the peak of their sexuality, who have Erectile Disfunction when they are with women!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...rowing-problem


They do say that abstinence from porn is the only way to fix this.

Be careful though to not replace the porn with masturbating every time you dress. This can eventually lead to autogynephilia (AGP ... the love of oneself as a woman) which makes it just as difficult, if it is severe enough, to have sex with women, since your preferences and fantasies will lie elsewhere.

I've seen a documentary about either a similar, or the same study. Solo masturbating to pornography is generally a pretty unhealthy thing to do from an psychological/emotional standpoint, and yes it does cause a number of social and intimacy problems just as Reine discussed. The ED it eventually causes is thankfully reversible under the right circumstances, but it's a pretty difficult and frustrating journey back to being functional again. It's probably not the kind of thing you would want to bring to the bedroom with your future significant other, because that's usually when we discover we have this sort of problem.

You're going to read all kinds of replies that say "porn is harmless" and such, but isn't that the same sort of reply you'd get from an alcoholic when he discusses his drinking? I think the lesson to learn in this is to be wary of negative influences on your quest for your new "sobriety".

[rachael.davis]

Sooo I'm not used to being the voice of prudery, if it doesn't involve involuntary acts or kids I really don't care how tab A goes into slots B, C, D or a really cute cantelope in crotchless panties. Porn kind of dehumanises what is all told the most intimate contact you can have with another person.
I have a dear friend (she's probably one of the main reasons I didn't take a .303 headache tablet several years ago) I'm out to her, she has been a tremendous support through several hard decisions. She's tall, elegant, funny, amazingly sexual, and at one point modeled.
Last year I got a hysterical phone call from her that she had used the tower computer on the main floor of her house rather than the laptop she usually uses at the kitchen table. Her husband hadn't logged out, when the computer opened there was some really serious porno on the screen, and a see you tonight pm from some trashbag tramp. We talked for at least an hour, she hit the point that she was sort of ok, and I asked the tough questions about her husbands location and health.
They had a long serious talk about you can have that or me - your call when he got home.
I'm out to both of them, have known both of them for years. About a week later she called, and said if I had time her husband needed someone he could absolutely trust, and that would be me.
I had a long long talk with him about what on earth he was thinking, how he got to where he was in what was a womderful marriage. He was working long hours, and apparently started taking "porno" breaks at intervals while writing code, after a while the plain vanilla stuff didn't float the boat, he started looking at some serious kink, got interested, and started hitting chat rooms where he ran across some woman..... Towards the end I said look, you know where I am, you know a whole lot, but I have to ask you - your wife is beautiful, tall, she read Penthouse Variations to see if there was something she hadn't thought of - what on earth were you getting from this online hookup that you didn't have a lot more of in your bed waiting for you to finish "working" late at home?
He had no answer other than I really don't know other than it was there as sexual gratification without having to worry about another persons needs wants or dignity.

Transgender porn - new kettle of fish (so to speak)
Most tranny porn depends on there being something inherently degrading about being a woman, a transgendered woman, a t-girl, a sissy, or a confused man wearing his wifes undies while she is out of the house. There is nothing I have ever ran across that says yeah, for one reason or another you like heels, skirts, corsets....or tshirts, capris, and flats and that's pretty ok by us kind of ruins the whole "forbidden fruit" thing. The T Fiction sites all are into humiliation, shame, some sort of "oh no and then the evil woman degraded me by..."
Porn stops working once you accept that there is some aspect to your gender identity, self image, sexual identity etc. that identifies as womanish, and you're ok with it. For goodness sake you can have an emotional, and sexual relationship with another person, or a obsession with a computer screen. No matter how hard you kiss the computer it isn't going to kiss you back.

[Shananigans]

I'm actually surprised at a lot of fatalistic responses here.

You really should not see yourself as a victim to yourself. It seems like a lot of people are very adamant that NO ONE can EVER stop CDing. Likewise, many say you can NEVER stop porn.

Let's just get this straight...you can do whatever the Hell you want to do. YOU own your life...not the other way around.

The TED talk that you linked is actually a very good basic review of the major topics in science surrounding porn. But, honestly, I was incredibly surprised to see that most young boys are seeking porn at the age of 10! WOW!! Talk about critical periods of brain development! Imagine a brain that is at such a critical stage of development that gets continuously exposed and re-exposed to the same stimuli...dopamine release strongly forming certain pathways in the brain for THAT stimulus release. The man that conducted the TED talk was right to liken it to a research experiment.

My personal rule of thumb is that MOST things in life are perfectly fine in moderation. Smoking the occasional cigarette or enjoying a glass of wine is not going to lead you spiraling down a road to addiction. But, it can...if you do not practice self-control.

However, addiction is not defined by frequency alone. Addiction, by definition, means that something is causing distress in your life...something is negatively effecting the way you look at yourself, the way others look at you...it is negatively effecting your loved ones...it is negatively effecting your job. These "negative" effects can even be something as simple as the addictive stimulus popping into your mind at times that it shouldn't, coupled with a need/desire to answer that stimulus at inappropriate times.

And, the fact of the matter is that a brain addicted to alcohol looks quite similar to a brain addicted porn...or, a brain addicted to nicotine...or, a brain addicted to sex... An addicted brain is an addicted brain.

Furthermore, I want to say that from experience, that you should be VERY selective of the people that you surround yourself with in your recovery. Many people that have answered you on this thread are probably facing similar addictions. Unfortunately, most addicts in denial do NOT want to see another addict recover...this is why you'll meet people that very clearly seem to have a problem, but they also will adamantly come up with every excuse in the book to shake you from your path to recovery.

As unfortunate as it is, recovery from addiction actually means that you cut a few ties to people that do not have your best interests in mind. I would SINCERELY advise you to really consider this, because I have seen so many people fall off the path of recovery simply by surrounding themselves with people who did not have their best interests at heart.

You remember how our parents always hounded us about the type of friends that we had? (Or, at least mine would). It turns out that there is a lot of truth and wisdom behind this...the people that we surround ourselves with greatly influences us. Surround yourself with people that want you to succeed and want you to do what is best for YOU.

It doesn't matter that "Steve" or "Jenn" say that porn isn't a big deal...or, that they feel CDing won't cause you to fall back into old habits. What really matters is that YOU feel that porn is negatively impacting your life and you are so committed to stopping it, that you are afraid CDing may cause you to fail in achieving your goal. That is the only thing that matters. And, I have to say if you truly believe CDing may cause a problem, LISTEN TO YOURSELF! You know yourself best. Do not listen to people that would have you fail because they are battling their own problems.

My advice to you would be to find a group of people that are also trying to give up internet porn. There are literally TONS of groups out there, because internet porn is actually now one of the leading problems counselors are facing as a divorce issue. Many of these groups are held at churches, but in most places you do not have to be part of that church congregation. Basically, the churches just allow them to hold the meetings in their facilities. Some groups do have a religious component, but many do not. AA actually has a great model for addiction that is used with a lot of other programs...but, AA is also religious-based...so, the "off-shoots" off AA often have religious components.

The real reward of these programs is that it sets you up with a group of people that want to see you succeed. You become accountable for the people in your group and you do everything in your power to see each other succeed.

Also, you need to block access to porn. And, that is extremely difficult to do in this day and age. But, essentially, you are probably going to have to block access to sites on your computer and your mobile devices. There is a ton of software out there, but I recommend NOT knowing the password to the blocking programs. Give it to a friend you trust who wants to see you succeed. You may want to consider getting a phone that does not surf the internet.

Masturbate.

If CDing is mainly a sexual thrill for you...masturbate before you dress up. Then, test the waters. Try having a plan for what you are going to do while dressed....something that doesn't involve watching porn or taking pictures. Heck, block the sites that you would normally go to for picture-posting.

These actions lower the risk that CDing will cause you to start watching porn again (or, porn-like things...like pictures). If you find that you don't feel like CDing...don't do it. If you feel like you want to do it...go for it, but take the precautions.

Also, try diversion activities. I find myself watching porn when I'm bored. I feel like many people can relate. So, when you feel boredom hitting and you start craving porn, get up and do something else.

When you are masturbating, you might find yourself thinking back to scenes that you have seen in porn...but, that's okay. Acknowledge the thought and keep on fantasizing about whatever else pops into your mind. Don't get caught in a cycle of, "Oh GOD...I saw that in porn...I shouldn't be thinking about that!" The fact of the matter is that simply not watching porn is doing wonders to help your brain as it is...you are actually USING your brain for fantasy...something that porn actually prevents you from doing. You'll eventually find that the scenes you can come up with in your mind are much more intense than what you can find on the internet. Why? Because, science has also found that our brain is our primary sexual organ. USE IT!

The great thing is that once you start to begin to use your brain again actively as a sexual organ, sex is waaaaaaay better. Porn is basically fast food. It doesn't require much work...it's readily available...and, it's pretty filling. For most people, fast food is alright on the occasion...but, you are addicted...and, so there's really no way to move forward without cutting ties completely. At first, it will feel like you are losing so much...it will be hard...you'll start to think, "This really isn't that big of a deal...who am I hurting?" But, you know that answer to that question. And, I promise you that quitting your addiction and beginning to utilize the great things that your mind can come up with...and, really ENJOYING physically and emotionally your flesh and someone else's is way more gratifying in the end in comparison to porn. I absolutely insist on great sex...and, I have great sex. I spend a lot of time telling other people how to have great sex...and, I swear to you porn is not necessary to have great sex...it actually can kill it. One of the best things you can do though is dirty text your ideas to your partner. This is especially great if you find yourself wanting to seek porn. Instead of firing up the computer, use your brain...use your imagination...and, tell your partner what you want to do to him/her. What usually happens is that couples find themselves fantasizing and testing the waters with things that they always kind of wanted to try in bed, but were too afraid to talk about with their partners.

And, once you break the habit of posting pics of yourself CD and seeking porn...test the waters again...send a dirty pic to your SO...tell him/her what you're thinking about.

Lastly, know that you aren't alone. Many people here will fully support you...I'm one of those people. Do what is best for you. Be honest with yourself. Personally, it sounds to me like you have already tackled those two very huge steps (deciding what is best for yourself and being honest)...now, all you have to do is be kind to yourself by actually doing what you know is best.

[MysticLady]

I was wondering if anyone here has gone through a reboot and how they dealt with their crossdressing side? I've accepted the fact that crossdressing is a part of my life, but how do I abandon it?

Or is crossdressing just a result of my porn addiction?

Don't worry, you'll mature out of it.

The other way around, you're attaching porn to your crossdressing IMHO.

[ReineD]

Furthermore, I want to say that from experience, that you should be VERY selective of the people that you surround yourself with in your recovery. Many people that have answered you on this thread are probably facing similar addictions. Unfortunately, most addicts in denial do NOT want to see another addict recover...this is why you'll meet people that very clearly seem to have a problem, but they also will adamantly come up with every excuse in the book to shake you from your path to recovery.

And, I have to say if you truly believe CDing may cause a problem, LISTEN TO YOURSELF! You know yourself best. Do not listen to people that would have you fail because they are battling their own problems.

Beautifully said Shan. I'm quoting you to emphasize because it's so important!

...but, AA is also religious-based...so, the "off-shoots" off AA often have religious components.

Shan, AA is not religious based. It does not push any religion down anyone's throat. But, it is a spiritual program. It's true that the term "God" is in several of the 12 steps, but by this they mean "a Power greater than ourselves" as is outlined in Step 2. Individuals are totally free to construct or use a Power of their understanding, whether it is a broomstick , the expanding universe, or the God of their religion if they are religious … just as long as they begin to see themselves as part of a whole. All kinds of people have used the 12-Steps to recover: Atheists, Agnostics, Hindus, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, etc. All are welcome.

Julia Roze, if there is a 12-Step group for porn addicts in your area, you might want to go to a few meetings and check it out. You'll meet people your age who have your same struggles and it's amazing what can be accomplished when you have support from people who understand.

[NicoleScott]

Julia Roze, be cautious about taking advice from people who don't crossdress for pleasure, don't have fetishes, or don't have porn addictions. Their source of authority is something they read somewhere sometime.

[Shananigans]

AA is not religious based. It does not push any religion down anyone's throat. But, it is a spiritual program. It's true that the term "God" is in several of the 12 steps, but by this they mean "a Power greater than ourselves" as is outlined in Step 2. Individuals are totally free to construct or use a Power of their understanding, whether it is a broomstick , the expanding universe, or the God of their religion if they are religious … just as long as they begin to see themselves as part of a whole. All kinds of people have used the 12-Steps to recover: Atheists, Agnostics, Hindus, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, etc. All are welcome.

Julia Roze, if there is a 12-Step group for porn addicts in your area, you might want to go to a few meetings and check it out. You'll meet people your age who have your same struggles and it's amazing what can be accomplished when you have support from people who understand.

Ah! I'm glad you cleared that up! On some nights AA and NA have people from the community show support, so a lot of us in psych health would pop up at the meetings. The meetings I attended were at a Christian Church, and there was a lot of talk of God....but, reflecting back on it, I don't actually remember them getting into the specifics of any particular religious ideology.

Either way, I'm openly Atheist and I still found the lessons (even those in relation to "God") to be valuable, relevant, and healing. This Church also had a sex addicts class...and, unfortunately, they had already met the quota of "support students" that could show up at that meeting. (If this sounds like the nursing students were doing the equivalent of the beginning of Fight Club with the whole "that's my support group, not yours'" sort of thing...then, you're spot on).

But, with that in mind, people from the community "pop into" those meetings to "show support" all of the time. There may be different rules for different classes, but this was how it went for the classes that I attended. Many people know someone that is struggling with these issues, so they will go to learn more. HOWEVER, this is a great way to go to a class just to check it out and without any commitment to see if it is right for you. Say you want to check out the Internet Porn Addict class (which, may or may not actually fall under the Sex Addicts class), but you don't want to really have to commit or share...you just want to watch. Then, you can always attend a class on the pretense that you are there to learn more so you can support a member of your family, for example. If you decide that it is for you, show back up when they next meet and come clean. They won't hold it against you, because it happens way more often than you would think.

[ReineD]

A lot of the meetings are held in church basements, because it's difficult to find regular, rent-free spaces for large groups of people. Around here, there are several meetings in churches but there is also a meeting at the local university, the local hospital, and the local rec center. You'll seldom see meetings in expensive places like hotels. They always have them on cruise ships though and sometimes, the more casual restaurants with back rooms will host meetings for free, hoping that the members will grab a bite to eat in the restaurant afterwards.

Twelve-step groups have gotten a lot of bad rap for being religious when the program is not about religion at all. If you do hear people talk about God in meetings, it is because they themselves believe in a God and this is what they use for strength. People in early recovery need every bit of help that will work for them. But Atheists can use the concept of being a part of the greater universe and call that "god" (or Higher Power, or Greater Good, etc), to the same effect.