haha, thanks gals!
seriously though Celeste, the best way to handle when people misgender you or still see you as that guy is to make them laugh. You can tell someone almost anything, even what would usually be fighting words, and if you can make them laugh while doing so they will still like you and agree with you. Isn't that why comedians are typically the most honest performers?
"In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom."
"My actual gender identity emerged as I healed from the scars of childhood not because of those scars" - Kelly J
We are all blessed with doubts. Just cruise on, you know what is best. Don't be saddled with questions, they may keep us safe, but you are free to move on.
The turning point is when people say there is just something different about that woman.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain
I will focus on the word "stigma". A stigma is generally something to be avoided, usually because it is emotionally hurtful. One other thing that a stigma does is declare ones own perception of the issue at hand. In other words, to call being "the guy that changed sex" a stigma, declares that you have negative emotions regarding being "read" as a former male. In my own life, I have decided to look at it a little differently. I am currently fulltime, pre-op. And there are times when people realize my origins. It shows on their face. However, I view my transition as a release of my soul to live life authentically, and honestly. And it is the element of honesty that I want to focus on. We each have differing views of exactly what we are. Personally, I do not see myself as a female. Nor am I male. I define myself as a transwoman. And I am not ashamed of what I am. In fact, I celebrate it! Through several years of deep introspection, I realized that my gender issues were in fact a great gift to me. I have insights and abilities that most other people cannot fathom. I guess you could say that I am proud of who and what I am. So, being recognized by strangers as different from most, and even seen as "odd", is not something for me to necessarily avoid. Rather, I simply smile at the person and continue with whatever I was doing or saying. The result of that behavior is surprising. Most of the time, the person who gave you "that glance" intended to make you uncomfortable by doing so. Maybe consciously, maybe not. But, when you respond with self-assurance and comfort in who you are they are totally disarmed and generally will show a willingness to converse on some level. At that point, you become an ambassador for all your sisters and help to educate another part of society in what transsexualism is really about. And you just may make another friend.
Steph
A few of you hit the nail on the head. This post was not about passing, or body image. Even if post-transition I DID look like Charlize Theron, everybody within 100 miles of me knows I was born with guy parts. That is the OT. If people I've never met before think I was born a woman, great. The people who know me for the most part accept me, great. The stigma I refer to is that no matter the presentation, the amount of surgery, or how genetically blessed, or cursed I may be, THEY WILL NEVER FORGET.
You should eliminate thinking about what you feel like in the future as you complete this process..this applies to EVERYTHING you are thinking...the more you can just do it, the better..
Transition is not what you think...you may suffer every misgendering and you may push people away, you may suffer misgendering but bear it FOR your family, and you may not care at all because you KNOW inside you are you...
you just don't know...thinking about it now will only cause unnecessary anxiety...
in my case...I get misgendered by my loving and supportive family a lot...sometimes I care and correct them..other times I don't...only once can I recall being upset and I was very upset by my aunts CONSTANT use of my old name as if she couldn't get it out of my head..
I could not have predicted any of it..and I could not have predicted any of the feelings I had, especially post srs
I guess that's why they are feelings..
I was reflecting this morning that part of the reason I am not more firmly TS, is that I don't know that my life would be any "better" for my going that route; if it would not be any "better" then it does not sound... advantageous... to pay the high costs (in various forms).Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele
Now, thoughts along those lines are, it seems to me, thoughts about what I would feel like in the future, and so it appears to me that your advice would be to eliminate thinking about that. But it feels to me like this should be a pretty important consideration.
Perhaps in giving this advice, you were reflecting the idea that "one should only transition if one has to" ?
We see therapists to determine that we are NOT nuts. Anyone who seriously considers transition 'has to', it is the last resort. If not, then you may well be nuts.
If one "jumps" into womanhood suddenly springing the idea on people, it makes it hard even for friends to avoid the "HE used to be a man" stigma.
But if you take a longer approach and are gradually seen as more and more feminine, then by the time you get to 24/7 the reaction is more like "its about time" SHE finally did this. And the more typical reaction is "why did it take so long for her to finally show up"? Believe me there are hundreds of transitions that have gone this way without the stigma. You see that all the people around you saw the woman before the transition so it became a natural extension of everything you are.
Stigma follows demanding of others a swift change that is jarring to them. Doing it the "right"way means demanding that we are showing others the feminine you long before any surgery occurs.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain
I kinda doubt this.. Most people aren't familiar with transsexualism and transition. Unless they know one is going to transition ( expressly being informed) I don't think that they are going to say... It's about time "she" does it.
100's seems far fetched...... May I ask how you arrived at this figure?
I rather believe that most of those people would figure that she's just gay rather than a woman. And as we all know.. Being thought to be gay... is part of the stigma of being transsexual.
Last edited by kellycan27; 06-04-2013 at 12:03 PM.
There is fantasy and their is reality. Reality is, you were born in a male body and you can change a lot, but the reality is that you can not change your past. You can focus more on the present and you can pretend you were born in a woman's body, but its probably more healthy to accept it and not be too concerned about people figuring it out. Just live the way you want that makes you happy and if people look at you...so what? Just smile back and show them you are friendly and happy.
People could be looking at you for many reasons, someone told them about your past and the others can't believe it... maybe they did figure it out, maybe you are wearing something they like.... I think if you are going to change gender you should accept reality, be happy with what you have and if it works out that all your dreams are met...even better.
Chickie
I have had enough assessments by enough different people that it seems clear that any neurosis I might have about transitioning further, would be in regard to my reasons for not having gone further -- that it is the factors that hold me back from more major steps that are not so healthy for me.
I have lived for a couple of decades of "getting by", and if I could struggle along for more decades "getting by" then the implication would be that I don't "have to" transition. Yet the not-very-deep undertone I am getting from the assessments and ongoing treatment is that I would be better off going further.
Which is "nuts": living at reduced capacity because one can "stand it", or going further when one does not strictly "have to" but would probably be better off doing so? I don't think either is "nuts"; I would say they are both choices.
I guess I was trying to say in my own way that trying to predict how you will "feel" after going through something like transition is anxiety producing, and based on experience its pretty impossible to predict what your feelings will be..
I'm not saying to avoid planning and avoid thinking of what I will call consequences and results, its fair to ask "all things considered, will my quality of life improve??"...you better be damn sure you can say at least probably!! LOL
I'm only talking about how you will feel..."will I feel good? bad? ugly? fat? stupid? happy? sad?...will my favorite color change? ............fill in the blank"... you will feel how you will feel...
maybe its too fine a point but it makes sense to me!!!
It makes sense to me in a very abstract way. Can you give some examples of changes that you felt and how you were before? Anything you're willing to share would be appreciated
"In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom."
"My actual gender identity emerged as I healed from the scars of childhood not because of those scars" - Kelly J
Excellent post! Excellent question. One I've pondered myself more times than I want to admit or "should." I'm at the 13 months (as of June 5th) mark; and one thing I noticed just today (yesterday actually since it's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep) is how much more confident I feel now compared to then (beginning of transition). I remember the stares and especially the children laughing, gauking and pointing at me. Last spring/summer was awful as I was "clocked" constantly and felt very self-conscious. Even to this day I still find myself seeing/looking at others who are looking at me wondering, "do they know I'm trans?" or "why is that person looking at me?" I'm still a little paranoid about it even though I feel I am very much passable and pretty.
Just yesterday; a lady who's known me for about four months told me she's seen a difference in the way I look now compared to when she met me; and when she met me and I told her I was trans she said she wouldn't have known if I hadn't told her; and she (and now I) is an AVON representative! Someone who's been surrounded by every kind of woman (pretty, ugly, etc...) selling woman's beauty products. Yet despite these comments/compliments I still have my doubts and fears as I traverse the social scene (shopping, buying gas, "hanging out," etc....).
I think it is really a question of how long will it take and what will I have to do to become totally satisfied with myself as a woman. Here's where I find myself conflicted, confused and contradicting. I started this post by saying I've grown in confidence and surprised at how much, yet look at what I've written? For the first time in my life I love looking at myself in the mirror (I do probably way more than I want to admit!LOL!). I love myself and grow in love with myself more and more as each day passes. As I accomplish more goals for myself (I can curl my own hair now!). My confidence level in myself as a woman increases and like originally stated, I'm pleasantly shocked and surprised at how much. Yet those doubts and fears regarding "passing," "being clocked," etc.... still creep up from time to time.
So the question asked is answered by me as:"I don't know." LOL! The answer for me is still yet to come.
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