TS survival.

[Priss]

Gosh, been awhile since I posted last...

They warn us, but it's always hard to believe it...

It's been a long time since I started down this path in my life. It's had a lot of ups an downs along the way, but fortunately for myself Iam happy where Iam at.

My mother always used to ask before she passed away, why she didn't know when I was growing up. Somehow even without being told of the consequences of having these feelings inside, I always knew that there would be consequences if I expressed them to those around me. Heck I was in kindergarten when I was told that my favorite color, purple, was a gay color. I didn't really know what gay was at the time, but it was definately something that you didn't want to be. So, when someone said, be prepared to lose everything, although I believed it I really didn't want to. I manipulated myself into thinking that people will eventually come around, and who knows perhaps they still will.

So far, and I've been on this path since 1990, I've found that most of the people who knew me before the day I dropped the big bomb shell, simply can not handle it. It's too confusing for them, and they think that they have lost someone. They just can't seem to grasp that you're still the person that they've always known and loved, you're just making a few changes to the packaging and presentation.

I think that inorder for a TS to survive, you have to make a new life for yourself, and allow those who want to from your past, to come along for the ride. Don't dwell on the past and what you've lost, it makes for nothing but another tear session. As time goes on you'll make a new family and friends. Some of it will encompass people who were in your life formerly, but there will always be those who simply will not come around.

When you do have to deal with that former life, don't push them for acceptance. If you do, they simply feel like your cramming your lifestyle and beliefs down their throats. They have to talk about this with others, and we have no control anyway of how they'll take it and whether they'll ever come around. Be careful of how much you talk to them about it, and just what you tell them... Although sometimes people seem willing to talk and perhaps quite curious, it's easy to overload them and give them way more information than they ever really wanted to know. A lot of people are just more squeaminsh than they let on. If they want information, let them ask you for it, and then keep it short and sweet. Definately do not volunteer information they haven't asked for.

This is the hardest part of the whole TS thing. It's not easy to release your previous life, family and friends. We don't want to give it up, so we desire and need their acceptance of us. What happens when we don't get it? Some of us go on and some do not... Those who seem to think that we wake up one day and decide to be a girl merely on a whim, seriously have absolutely no clue. This life path is not for the faint of heart, and Iam happy to still be here.

There are other things to keep in mind when trying to get through life as a TS, but this is the main subject I wanted to express. Suffice to say, do not take it all personally or too seriously. Let the little things just roll right off your shoulders, they're meaningless anyway. Don't sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things...

[Kim E]

I think that inorder for a TS to survive, you have to make a new life for yourself, and allow those who want to from your past, to come along for the ride. Don't dwell on the past and what you've lost, it makes for nothing but another tear session. As time goes on you'll make a new family and friends. Some of it will encompass people who were in your life formerly, but there will always be those who simply will not come around.

Hi Priss ~
Very truthful and accurate information you have posted. Your thoughts just reinforce mine almost exactly.

During my divorce and having my ex-wife out me to everyone I knew, my friends, neighbors and associates treated me like I had the plague. Friendships meant nothing anymore. The stress of all this forced me to take an early retirement. I decided if I were going to finally transition it had to be now. The only chance I had was to move far away from my previous life and start over. I found a place, about a 3 hour drive from my former home and started over. I moved here not knowing anyone and I am happy in my new life. Its been over a year now and I realize I should have done it sooner. I have made friends, I have survived and I am doing ok. I expected the worse and found it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be.

Sometimes a TS has to take a drastic step to survive and many times it means starting over and letting go of the past.

Thanks for this excellent post.

Kim

[Natasha Anne]

As seemingly controversial as some of your statements are, I definitely agree with them.

After embarking upon this road I quickly learned a number of things I could never have anticipated prior to doing so:

1. Take each day as it comes
2. Accept honest reactions, whether negative or positive. People who are honest, respect you enough to be honest. It's better to have that than nice people who behave with malice behind your back. There are enough hard things to deal with, without also having to wonder where you stand with others
3. People will surprise you. I've had more good and OK reactions, than bad ones. This applies to family, friends, co-workers and customers.
4. This is never as big a deal to others as it is to you, so don't go on about it constantly. People have the information they want, only close friends and relatives may want more detail.
5. Be prepared to give up things. Every effort you make to retain things, only slows the road you're on. If you can't see past the obstacles you face, then it's probably better to work with your therapist for longer before embarking on hormones and the more final aspects of transition. I feel I let myself down when I resort to old mannerisms and behaviours, just to "prove" to others I'm still mostly me. It's an internal struggle to me, but I recognize it is there and try to keep it from occuring.
6. Jenny Boylan wrote me and one of the things she said that struck a chord was, "you shouldn't look up to me, you should look up to you". Take the time to appreciate the courage and strength it takes to undertake this journey and realise just how brave you are in being yourself in the face of so much potential adversity.

Thanks for the great post Priss. It made me think a bit and invent the list above

[Julie]

A TS I met has a quote at the end of her e-mails that says, "The price of a new life is what we lose from the old one." When I read that it struck home.

I announced a year ago November I was going to start HRT. Immediately I began to see the fallout. When it became too great to accept the losses I stopped taking the meds. This happened less than three months after I started HRT. I told everyone I wasn't going to transition and I will remain being a guy. Thinking I could end the inner turmoil is what drove me to it and it was a mistake. No one changed their attitude about me. Those who walked out of my life stayed out. Those who distanced themselves kept their distance. I still had this inner turmoil but now had the additional pain of having lost people I loved, my youngest son's loss being the worst.

Today, over a year later, nothing has changed. "Be prepared to lose everything" is a statement everyone thinking of coming out needs to take very seriously. Once the cat's out of the bag it can never be put back.

I have only recently begun to accept the losses I've had. I am finally starting to give myself credit for the good things I did in my life, especially being a good father and raising three kids. I couldn't see that until I started to accept the losses. Once you do that you begin to see things more clearly.

It's too bad it has to be this way but I think those in our lives who have a tough time accepting this think the father, brother, son, uncle, cousin they had is dead and we killed him. They see this as a choice. They will never know it isn't. And they will never realize it's what's inside that matters.