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Thread: Another marriage bites the dust

  1. #1
    Member Darla's Avatar
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    May 2011

    Another marriage bites the dust

    Hi girls

    Well it looks final.
    I'm getting separated. And the cause is crossdressing. It's not the dressing 100% alone, its the behavior that accompanied it, such as the hiding of stuff, the dishonesty about what it meant to me (which to be honest I have been suppressing and not dealing with) and what it's been doing to us and our trust in each other.

    She just can't accept any part of this part of me. And i really haven't presented it in the best light a lot. There have been multiple finds of my clothes, each time chipping away at her trust.

    I have to speak up here and say that I really can't believe that she couldn't accept a little part of me here. I've been a pretty great husband all around, and a lot of tech frustration and anger over the past have been my suppressing this part of me, and her complete and total unacceptance of this. I'm kind of amazed that our marriage is ending because of this, which althought there's loss of trust around crossdressing and my inability to completely cut it out of my life, is not that bad in my eyes.

    I've been to more than a few therapists and they confirmed that its really not something that you can get rid of, yet my wife wants me to quit it.

    We have two kids and my heart breaks when I see any of their toys lying around. I'll no longer be their father in the same way. They both are young and I'm really afraid how this will end up. I miss them so badly already.

    This really sucks. Had I been an alcoholic or drug addict this would have at least sent me off to rehab clinic, but to be a crossdresser, heaven forbid.

    I haven't slept all night. Most likely wont be able to. This was the only place where I feel like I can post this and know it'll fall on ears that have gone through the same thing.

    Anyway, another example of how denying who you are and trying to "fix" yourself as a way to fit in just will not work. I didn't know who I was before I started this marriage. I'm closer now and it's going to cost me everything.

    Love to you all,

  2. #2
    Junior Member Sami's Avatar
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    Aug 2012
    New Zealand
    Oh my Darla I am so sorry that your partner is so unaccepting I have yet to test the waters there with mine. I don't really know what to say to you honey but you have to remember that it will all heal and get better and I think in the long run you will find your self in a better place stay strong x

  3. #3
    Pretty in Pink Amanda Shaft's Avatar
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    Nov 2006
    I live in West Dorset, England.
    Hi Darla, I'm really sorry to hear your news, you have my utmost sympathy and understanding. I can fully empathise with you as I went through the same thing a number of years ago. It's really hard to understand how just one aspect of what makes you, you, leads to the whole thing unravelling. All I can say is stay strong, know that you're a good person and don't make any rash decisions whilst things are so raw. It's a real old saying but 'time is a great healer' and one day things will be better.
    Thinking of you,
    Amanda x
    So far in the closet, I've got one foot in Narnia!

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  4. #4
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Living in the present
    This is infinitely sad.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member TeresaCD's Avatar
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    Mar 2013
    Near Adelaide South Australia
    Sorry to hear that, Darla. It would be my worst nightmare
    You will always be your kid's dad, like you say though, it will be different is all
    Learning to be me - the best me I can be

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    I feel your pain hon. It is never easy and words never seem to help, but know inside you, you must ultimately be who you are and it takes a better person to accept it than reject it. Things will get better for you in time and the kids will accept you for who you are. They are alot stronger and accepting of people more than todays' adults. Stay strong and focused as you can. Life will get better.

  7. #7
    A lady in the making..... Erica Marie's Avatar
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    Jun 2009
    Im sorry Darla to hear of your misfortune. If it helps any I was in the same situation over 14 yrs ago. My ex threatend to keep the kids from me if anyone found out about my dressing. Well as things go, me and the kids have an excellent relationship. I never let them find out and yet I was able to be myself. As the years went on my ex forgot and moved on also and now we are actually very good friends. Sometimes it is other things that add to it and something needs to be the excuse. Your dressing may just be her "out". Please be strong and overtime things will work out.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Mar 2007
    Ft Lauderdale Fl
    Not sure why you didn't bring it all above board the first time you were caught.You really aren't telling much.If it is that important to you,I would have thought that you would have found a "therapist" that could work with you and your wife on this. So,now what? How is it supposed to all work financially? You will be in panties living in a refrigerator box on the course you are headed on. Some of us know there is more to your story than you are telling us.
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  9. #9
    Just a touch of class Lynn Marie's Avatar
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    Feb 2010
    NW Washington State
    Trust me, although things look pretty bleak right now, it will get better, a lot better. Be sure to take at least a year off from another relationship just to get comfortable with yourself. After years of skulking around, openness and honesty will feel absolutely wonderful.

  10. #10
    Silver Member stephNE's Avatar
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    Sep 2012
    No. Virginia
    Darla, I'm so sorry for you. I promise you every day will get easier. Take care of your self and try your best to look ahead in a positive way.

  11. #11
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Feb 2005
    SouthEastern Ontario
    Very very sorry
    I wish you would have been able to been straight with her from the get go as you said
    It's not the dressing 100% alone, its the behavior that accompanied it, such as the hiding of stuff, the dishonesty about what it meant to me (which to be honest I have been suppressing and not dealing with) and what it's been doing to us and our trust in each other.
    and maybe she could have realized that it is not something that you can just quit.
    Could you find a therapist that can work with you both?
    Best Wishes
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  12. #12
    Platinum Member
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    Dec 2008
    S.E.Baltimore Co. Maryland USA
    Hi Darla, It's always so sad to hear a story like that but you have thousands of friends here for you.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  13. #13
    Member sarahcrossed's Avatar
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    May 2011
    Chicago, IL
    I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. My ex-wife left me for the same reason. It was very hard. I couldn't sleep or eat for a month. In fact she limited my visitation with my son at first. It was such a battle just to get her to agree to unsupervised visits. Sometimes i still get mad about it. But in retrospect i've come to be glad that i'm not with her any more. I do miss my son and want to be with him, but i realize she never really loved me. My ex-wife knew before the wedding, its a long story.

    I was actually sent to a "rehab" clinic, which was more of a live in counseling center ran by religious crazy people trying to "pray the gay" out. but little did they know. 1 i wasnt gay. and 2 you can't just pray this kind of thing away. well you cant really pray away being gay either.

    If you need some one to talk to just send me a message. there is light at the end of the tunnel.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Amanda M's Avatar
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    Dec 2012
    We're in Andalucia, Spain
    Sorry to hear about your situation, Darla. It's easy to look back of course and say "I should have..." or "I should have been..."

    The difference is that you were working from the information you had back then, not from the information and understanding you have now. Rogina, I hope you never have to go through what Darla is having to handle just now, but should such a thing happen, I hope you will be given a bit more understanding than you seem to be giving Darla.

    If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!

  15. #15
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    Jan 2007
    North Coast of California
    Darla, I went thought the same thing 45 years ago, My two kids where just babies, it took me a few years to get over it and get back in the swing of life, but once I did, I met so many great people, met a women that when I did get up the nerve to tell her about me, accepted it right off, and I've had a very happy live every since, Oh, and I have a great relationship with both my kids, better that there mother as it turns out, all though I missed a lot during there childhood I would loved to have been apart of, living a miserable existence does no one any good, not you or them. Make a good life for yourself, and try to maintain as close a relationship with the kids as you can, and remember, having a good live and being happy is the best way to get even for being dumped.
    Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.

  16. #16
    Member Darla's Avatar
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    May 2011

    Thanks all

    Hi everyone - thanks so much for the outpouring of support. Between the messages that shared similar stories to the advice I know to be true but that's hard to see the forest for the trees, my deepest thanks. This stuff is complicated, which is why my spouse seems to have such a hard time as well.

    And to those who's advice was to have been more transparent, I agree. But sometimes you evolve and just don't know yourself well enough, and frankly, hope against nature that its more important to be who you think you want to be rather than be a bit more courageous and really dig deep to find out who you are.

    That's said my question a decade ago was "really what normal person would accept me this way?" And I feel like I'm finally getting to the answer "I would". If I can't no one will. I've seen enough in this lifetime that my condition is neither deviant nor weird.

    Thank again everyone. Hugs to all. Updates to come.


  17. #17
    Member melanie206's Avatar
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    Sep 2012
    North East, MD Maryland Delaware
    If it's really over and you have yet to see an attorney, do this quickly to protect your "rights" regarding your kids. I am not an attorney but I could see how crossdressing could easily be characterized as a reason to limit your access.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Stephanie Miller's Avatar
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    May 2006
    Sorry to hear this Darla.
    Reading your post I couldn't help but notice you said "I" have been to many therapists. Did your wife happen to go too? IF not, maybe it may be possible to at least discuss the option of going TOGETHER with a therapist to openly discuss. Let the wife know that the intent is really not to repair a marriage (although that would be wonderful) but to at least know the proper way to go on with life, for the kids, with the proper support together since the kids are involved.
    Just a thought.

  19. #19
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Nov 2011
    Lowestoft UK. Beverley was here.
    I an sorry to hear this as I say always try and work together on it.
    So I always hope you may at least find a compromise.
    You do not need to tear each other apart.
    I hope you can find a solution with least hurt.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  20. #20
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    Jan 2007
    San Diego
    I also wish to say how sorry I am for what is happening to you. There is nothing good about it for the moment. But, speaking from experience things will get better and in the long run (difficult to see at the moment) and you ail survive and be a happier person. Just hang in there.

  21. #21
    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    Jul 2008
    E-cent. FL / Arlington VA

    This is so difficult and our hearts go out to you. Just now it may seem that everything is bleak, but let's all hope that things will work out, especially with the kids. Others have said how they have gone through similar experiences, I hope their stories can be some support for you.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Eastern US
    Hi Darla, First of all I'm very sorry for the situation you are in. I know it sucks. Your post also gave me a flashback but one with quick relief for myself that I'll explain. You see, you basically told my own story because so many facts were the same as your's. She even purged what I had. The main difference is that it happened to me 30 years ago when I was 30. I fully know the whirlwind of emotions, uncertainty, fears, and everything else. I felt lost and alone and cried a lot. In the end I sat with my therapist and now ex-wife. He asked her if she wanted to continue to work at our marriage. She said, "No, I want to start over." We had been married seven years with two girls, 2 and 4. Her thing was that she still loved me as a person, and wanted me to have access to our girls. She knew about me before we married and somewhat supported it but in time we had issues about it. Still, my heart was ripped out of me. And I never skipped any child support until the legal end of it.

    There were many trying situations throughout our divorce process and many arguments. But when the divorce was final we both moved on. I dated, and almost every gal I could trust and dated knew about me and a couple of us remain friends. I didn't really CD for a year but later managed to have a nightgown, some panties, and pantyhose. I remember waking up one night feeling exhilirated wearing them. I was still in therapy and once asked my therapist if I'll ever find a woman that'll accept me the way I am. He said, "Yes you will." Wow! Did that feel good! And I did find her!

    I met my wife of today about 25 years ago and she knew about the 2nd or 3rd date and was totally okay with it. She even bought me little surprises. Since she had a key to my apartment I came home one day and found a beautiful robe and a stack of new panties on my bed. Awesome! A lot went on from then until now and I'd bet she would stay with me even if I needed to fully transition. We'd probably move to another state though.

    My 30-something daughters still love and accept me since those weekend stay-over visits when they were little. In the time with them I did all I could to experience their lives growing up with Dad involved. And we played a lot! I walked both of them down the aisle even with all the ex inlaws and outlaws present. I just held my head high even if anyone knew. My ex and I remain friends to a degree and often discuss our "family" even if it is what it is.

    In retrospect, I'm happier than I ever thought possible. I'm glad my ex sent me packing. She's nothing like the angel I'm married to today. I recently learned from one daughter that the ex was not only drugging heavily at the end of our marriage but she also told them why we divorced. I was embarassed but assured by my girls that all was okay and they wanted me to be happy. One said to me that I made them happy under a tough set of circamstances. At that point I lost it and cried knowing I tried to do all that was right for them. They even seem to go beyond to show their love for me. I think it made them better persons.

    Darla, I offer my story as words of encouragement. Yes, it's a dark day today and there will be ups and downs, but you WILL become a better person and a survivor. You can message me anytime if you wish to know more and lean on someone who has been there. I truly know you're hurting, but you will heal.

    Cheryl Ann

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    the Bible Belt
    Darla I just wanted to mention to you that it's important to see the reason for you relationship problems not so much about the dressing but about the hiding of a part of yourself from your wife. If she cannot accept that you have a need to express gender in this way then that is her problem, but if she associates your dressing with being decieved, lied to, and tricked then it will undoubtedly harm the relationship.
    Do not blame yourself for being a crossdresser, most women are also but they have been blinded to the inequalities of men and women in this regard by society. My ex wife crossdressed all the time, she adored wearing my tshirts, I just didn't consider her a pervert for that habit of hers

    I hope you are also getting support from a relationship specialist or forum. Although your crossdressing is an element of the problems you have faced it is the other issues that are really at play in my opinion.

    Many times when women separate from a marriage they already have formed a relationship with another man and are moving out to have the freedom to explore it. Is this a possiblility in your case? Women do not think or act the same way as men in this regard and usually are much more cautious and less likely to be found out. Cell phone call records and text records might be worth looking at in this case. The reason I mention this is because if she is exploring a relationship with someone else it will be impossible for you to reconcile your relationship with her until the other person is out of the picture. If so do not confront her about this immediately!

    "I didn't know who I was before I started this marriage" - few people do, that is only human. We live life and grow and become who we are now. Sometimes it is a growth apart from our loved ones and sometimes we grow together. I doubt she knew who she was before the marriage also. Do not blame yourself for this, everyone does this.
    Last edited by mary something; 06-03-2013 at 12:52 PM.
    "In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom."

    "My actual gender identity emerged as I healed from the scars of childhood not because of those scars" - Kelly J

  24. #24
    Silver Member Jodi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    So much for sympathy--I am more direct. Get yourself a lawyer now. You want the best barracuda that you can afford. Be ready to have her go at your throat and denounce you as lower than whale poop. It can get really ugly and you will need your lawyer to be defending you. without a good lawyer, you can be raped and pillaged of most all of your assets, and be denied visitation with your kids. Be ready for this. It will be the most stressful time of your life.

    Be honest and direct with your lawyer about your crossdressing. It is not illegal and can not be used against you in a property settlement. Your lawyer must know about it. Lawyers don't like to be blindsided.

    Good luck.


  25. #25
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    I had the same as you with my first Marriage. And she then went an told the world that I was a weirdo.
    In the 9 + years, I tried to keep it on a low key, But it did not madder.
    She would throw out some of my things, I would find them in the trash, and re-hide them.
    Then she would find other clothes I had hidden, she would throw them out, then scream at me when
    I got home from work.
    We had 2 kids at the time, 4 and 2 years old.
    It was tough to leave them, but I had to move on; And now I look back some 36 years ago, it was the
    best thing that happened to me.
    See much later, almost 15 years, I met a real good girl. She was OK with my dressing, and would get me things
    from time to time. She Passed away last April, I don't think I could ever replace her.
    I offer good Luck, and hope you also find the rite someone for your life.

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