Another marriage bites the dust

[Darla]

Hi girls

Well it looks final.
I'm getting separated. And the cause is crossdressing. It's not the dressing 100% alone, its the behavior that accompanied it, such as the hiding of stuff, the dishonesty about what it meant to me (which to be honest I have been suppressing and not dealing with) and what it's been doing to us and our trust in each other.

She just can't accept any part of this part of me. And i really haven't presented it in the best light a lot. There have been multiple finds of my clothes, each time chipping away at her trust.

I have to speak up here and say that I really can't believe that she couldn't accept a little part of me here. I've been a pretty great husband all around, and a lot of tech frustration and anger over the past have been my suppressing this part of me, and her complete and total unacceptance of this. I'm kind of amazed that our marriage is ending because of this, which althought there's loss of trust around crossdressing and my inability to completely cut it out of my life, is not that bad in my eyes.

I've been to more than a few therapists and they confirmed that its really not something that you can get rid of, yet my wife wants me to quit it.

We have two kids and my heart breaks when I see any of their toys lying around. I'll no longer be their father in the same way. They both are young and I'm really afraid how this will end up. I miss them so badly already.

This really sucks. Had I been an alcoholic or drug addict this would have at least sent me off to rehab clinic, but to be a crossdresser, heaven forbid.

I haven't slept all night. Most likely wont be able to. This was the only place where I feel like I can post this and know it'll fall on ears that have gone through the same thing.

Anyway, another example of how denying who you are and trying to "fix" yourself as a way to fit in just will not work. I didn't know who I was before I started this marriage. I'm closer now and it's going to cost me everything.

Love to you all,
Darla

[Sami]

Oh my Darla I am so sorry that your partner is so unaccepting I have yet to test the waters there with mine. I don't really know what to say to you honey but you have to remember that it will all heal and get better and I think in the long run you will find your self in a better place stay strong x

[Amanda Shaft]

Hi Darla, I'm really sorry to hear your news, you have my utmost sympathy and understanding. I can fully empathise with you as I went through the same thing a number of years ago. It's really hard to understand how just one aspect of what makes you, you, leads to the whole thing unravelling. All I can say is stay strong, know that you're a good person and don't make any rash decisions whilst things are so raw. It's a real old saying but 'time is a great healer' and one day things will be better.
Thinking of you,
Amanda x

[GaleWarning]

This is infinitely sad.

[TeresaCD]

Sorry to hear that, Darla. It would be my worst nightmare
You will always be your kid's dad, like you say though, it will be different is all

[Erica Marie]

Im sorry Darla to hear of your misfortune. If it helps any I was in the same situation over 14 yrs ago. My ex threatend to keep the kids from me if anyone found out about my dressing. Well as things go, me and the kids have an excellent relationship. I never let them find out and yet I was able to be myself. As the years went on my ex forgot and moved on also and now we are actually very good friends. Sometimes it is other things that add to it and something needs to be the excuse. Your dressing may just be her "out". Please be strong and overtime things will work out.

[Jaylyn]

Darla I am so sorry, it doesn't look good, but I always say there's always a bright sunshine on the other side of what life throws at us. This is a small knot in a long string that we call life. I am praying that your wife can get her mind wrapped around this, please don't give up hope if you truly believe you want your family to accept who you are. Keep on trying to fix things. To me I would have another heart to heart with my wife. Usually when trouble starts it is from both sides. Marriage is full of gives and takes. Many gives or takes has to happen to have a successful marriage. My marriage has taken my wife thru so many highs and the low times that we made higher because we are a team and our number one goal was to raise four great, successful kids, that now have families of their own. Parents lead by example. There is always tough times but just use this as a test to make the marriage stronger. Keep the lines to the front of trouble open by being open with each other. Keep the supplies of love coming to front lines.

[Rogina B]

Not sure why you didn't bring it all above board the first time you were caught.You really aren't telling much.If it is that important to you,I would have thought that you would have found a "therapist" that could work with you and your wife on this. So,now what? How is it supposed to all work financially? You will be in panties living in a refrigerator box on the course you are headed on. Some of us know there is more to your story than you are telling us.

[jillleanne]

I feel your pain hon. It is never easy and words never seem to help, but know inside you, you must ultimately be who you are and it takes a better person to accept it than reject it. Things will get better for you in time and the kids will accept you for who you are. They are alot stronger and accepting of people more than todays' adults. Stay strong and focused as you can. Life will get better.

[Lynn Marie]

Trust me, although things look pretty bleak right now, it will get better, a lot better. Be sure to take at least a year off from another relationship just to get comfortable with yourself. After years of skulking around, openness and honesty will feel absolutely wonderful.

[Di]

Very very sorry
I wish you would have been able to been straight with her from the get go as you said

It's not the dressing 100% alone, its the behavior that accompanied it, such as the hiding of stuff, the dishonesty about what it meant to me (which to be honest I have been suppressing and not dealing with) and what it's been doing to us and our trust in each other.

and maybe she could have realized that it is not something that you can just quit.
Could you find a therapist that can work with you both?
Best Wishes

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Darla, It's always so sad to hear a story like that but you have thousands of friends here for you.

[Amanda M]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Darla. It's easy to look back of course and say "I should have..." or "I should have been..."

The difference is that you were working from the information you had back then, not from the information and understanding you have now. Rogina, I hope you never have to go through what Darla is having to handle just now, but should such a thing happen, I hope you will be given a bit more understanding than you seem to be giving Darla.

Amanda.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I would like to assure anyone that Darla and I have shared valid private messages. Our stories have very similar parallels. Please do no not discount what she is saying and force her to retreat into a shell while she could find the utmost support here! If her story was not true in some way then it would eventually fall apart. Why does anyone have any doubt?

Cheryl

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Well, since Darla and I have shared a very similar story, and we've shared a private message, Darla also has the options of sharing phone conversations with me. I fully know what she is going through, and while I cannot fully advise her, I can share my experiences, encouragement, and the promise of better things to come. Her story has deeply touched my heart. I've had others in the "dark ages" before the internet help me, and now it's my turn to give back!

Cheryl

[Darla]

Again - Wow you guys. A topic like this touches so many of us and there's a lot of common experience here. I guess that's why I posted. I so do wish I was lucky enough to be posting the "guess what my wife bought me" but we've never been able to get past go. Everyone, I mean everyone here has given me such good advice, I feel supported, vindicated and downright cared for. Thank you all so much.

And yes - we saw a couples councilor a few times and the ball was dropped in my court. "What do you want?" Was my wife's and the councilors gambit. Well really - it just felt like a landmine, as soon as I wanted anything it would explode. I wasn't supposed to want anything. I was supposed to turn it off. Well thank god I don't have to turn it off. Frankly I can't. I can just follow my heart, love my kids, forgive and live.

You all are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside ladies. Keep you all posted.

Love
Darla

[docrobbysherry]

Stop reading sympathetic posts!

Look at every conceivable possibility!

Listen to Melanie!

You've made mistakes, that's water over the dam. Maybe over time you'll get back together? I thot that would happen with my marriage. It didn't. But rite off, I found the BEST DIVORCE LAWYER I COULD. To represent me if the S-- hit the fan. And, it did.

U need to be sure u have access to your children. Most states have laws that completely set the alimony, child support, and division of $$/property. But, NOT access to children! A spitefull spouse mite use your children to punish u for all her real and imagined damages!

FIND A TOP FLITE ATTORNEY NOW! If u reconcile, u may not need him/her. If u don't, u may regret NOT finding one the rest of your life!

[stephNE]

Darla, I'm so sorry for you. I promise you every day will get easier. Take care of your self and try your best to look ahead in a positive way.

[sarahcrossed]

Darla,
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. My ex-wife left me for the same reason. It was very hard. I couldn't sleep or eat for a month. In fact she limited my visitation with my son at first. It was such a battle just to get her to agree to unsupervised visits. Sometimes i still get mad about it. But in retrospect i've come to be glad that i'm not with her any more. I do miss my son and want to be with him, but i realize she never really loved me. My ex-wife knew before the wedding, its a long story.

I was actually sent to a "rehab" clinic, which was more of a live in counseling center ran by religious crazy people trying to "pray the gay" out. but little did they know. 1 i wasnt gay. and 2 you can't just pray this kind of thing away. well you cant really pray away being gay either.

If you need some one to talk to just send me a message. there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Tina B.]

Darla, I went thought the same thing 45 years ago, My two kids where just babies, it took me a few years to get over it and get back in the swing of life, but once I did, I met so many great people, met a women that when I did get up the nerve to tell her about me, accepted it right off, and I've had a very happy live every since, Oh, and I have a great relationship with both my kids, better that there mother as it turns out, all though I missed a lot during there childhood I would loved to have been apart of, living a miserable existence does no one any good, not you or them. Make a good life for yourself, and try to maintain as close a relationship with the kids as you can, and remember, having a good live and being happy is the best way to get even for being dumped.

[Darla]

Hi everyone - thanks so much for the outpouring of support. Between the messages that shared similar stories to the advice I know to be true but that's hard to see the forest for the trees, my deepest thanks. This stuff is complicated, which is why my spouse seems to have such a hard time as well.

And to those who's advice was to have been more transparent, I agree. But sometimes you evolve and just don't know yourself well enough, and frankly, hope against nature that its more important to be who you think you want to be rather than be a bit more courageous and really dig deep to find out who you are.

That's said my question a decade ago was "really what normal person would accept me this way?" And I feel like I'm finally getting to the answer "I would". If I can't no one will. I've seen enough in this lifetime that my condition is neither deviant nor weird.


Thank again everyone. Hugs to all. Updates to come.

Darla

[IngeInCO]

I wish you the best in these trying times. Trust yourself! Only you know.

[melanie206]

If it's really over and you have yet to see an attorney, do this quickly to protect your "rights" regarding your kids. I am not an attorney but I could see how crossdressing could easily be characterized as a reason to limit your access.

[Stephanie Miller]

Sorry to hear this Darla.
Reading your post I couldn't help but notice you said "I" have been to many therapists. Did your wife happen to go too? IF not, maybe it may be possible to at least discuss the option of going TOGETHER with a therapist to openly discuss. Let the wife know that the intent is really not to repair a marriage (although that would be wonderful) but to at least know the proper way to go on with life, for the kids, with the proper support together since the kids are involved.
Just a thought.

[Beverley Sims]

Darla,
I an sorry to hear this as I say always try and work together on it.
So I always hope you may at least find a compromise.
You do not need to tear each other apart.
I hope you can find a solution with least hurt.