Another marriage bites the dust

[Stephanie47]

Sorry to read about your plight. Breakup of a family is always tough. However, sometimes it is for the best. There has been a constant ripple on this site of pointing out the perceived fault of "not coming clean" with a wife. I have stated in the past that I believe that is nothing more than an out for a woman who truly hates cross dressing. Why does she hate cross dressing is never the issue. It's always cloaked in the deceit issue. The truth of the matter is 99 99/100% of women would prefer that their husband was not a cross dresser. I can accept that. The issue becomes whether or not the wife wants or is able to break from the societal expectations for a marriage and 'manly' behavior.

So, why is Darla hiding the clothes? I've read some threads this week where the guy has hidden his stash in places the wife would never find. It is a common theme on this site. Hide the clothes from the wife. Hide the clothes from the parents. Hide the clothes from a roommate. Why hide the clothes? Because of the perceived reaction from society.

I can understand a person's reaction, if they have nothing more in common than a brief chat or get together once in a while. But, a wife with whom you have forged a life, raised children, built a family together. So, a man likes to dress up. That apparently is reason to toss him aside. The cross dressing, usually done in private, is the sole reason to dissolve the relationship? For some women that is reason enough. The scale of marriage cannot balance because she refuses to accept a 'kink' in the manly armor. Darla's wife can present herself as a woman sitting on a pity pot. I've seen it before in real life.

My wife once asked why I did not tell her of my interest in women's clothing when it progressed past bedroom play. Why? I asked her if she remembered a conversation she had with her cousin concerning the dissolution of an otherwise fine marriage because the wife found out the man was a cross dresser. Horrors! My wife agreed with her cousin that cross dressing was ground for divorce. So, am I suppose to interject with "Hey, I'm a cross dresser, too!" I'm one who does not believe in committing marital suicide.

So, Darla conceals his feminine garb. Would the outcome have changed if he said he wanted some closet space? I doubt it.

I'm in a DADT marriage with implied boundaries. My wife never said I should do this or that. In fact, she told me it was OK with her if I joined a support group. She just does not want anything to do with it. If there has been any strain on our marriage, it is not because I'm a cross dresser. It's because my wife cannot accept it.

I suspect the strain is Darla's marriage is caused by that TOTAL nonacceptance. I suspect Darla, like me,has not been militant and told his wife that he wants to wear a dress and heels in front of her.

If Darla and his wife cannot find a certified therapist in transgender issues to iron out the impasses, it is time to seek counsel of a good divorce attorney.

Am I going off focus or topic on this thread, Ms. Moderator? No, there are several postings on this thread raising the issue of deceit and concealment.

[Barbara Ella]

Darla, you have my sympathies for the situation. I think you have seen the responses, and understand the why, so that is information to use for your life going forward. I hope she still has love for you, even if she cannot accept who you are. It is often hard even for us to accept who we are...lol

Don't stop talking with your wife. Don't be antagonistic. For sure, as plans firm up and divorce is truly unavoidable, you must, must, must get that go for the throat lawyer at your back. They don't have to come across initially as being that destructive, but if your wife takes the low road, your lawyer needs to slash and burn in return.

If you are honest, and sincere, and positive about this, your children will always be there for you.

Stay positive about yourself. You are a good person, and your wife cannot take that away from you.

Barbara

[Nicole Erin]

when all is said and done, you will feel better. Yes at first it is hard, I remember how hard it was. You soon get to a point though that you realize your life once again belongs to you. No wife nagging or the other daily problems.

Divorce is like having a tooth pulled - Nerve racking and painful before and the moment is the worst but afterwards, it never causes problems again.

If you can somehow do your own divorce, things will go much better. My ex and I didn't have anything really to split except household junk so we did our own divorce. It was fairly easy and inexpensive. People fight over junk or money during a divorce and one has to question if it's really worth it financially and worth time spent.

[mary something]

I suspect the strain is Darla's marriage is caused by that TOTAL nonacceptance. I suspect Darla, like me,has not been militant and told his wife that he wants to wear a dress and heels in front of her.
.

I totally agree with that first sentence. It is a matter of TOTAL nonacceptance that is breaking the marriage. I just don't put all the blame on her wife because I don't feel that is fair, even though I agree with you that she probably is doing it for the sympathy and support she expects to receive, that is even why I asked about the possibility of an affair. The crossdresser card will give a woman a lot of goodwill for questionable behavior publicly. However we have to understand that even if Darla's wife makes an unethical choice to scapegoat her for this crossdressing isn't it still true that she probably felt a little tricked and lied too? That in no way excuses her behavior for how she reacts, just because she may feel wronged does not give her the right to hurt Darla for it.

I was one of those posters that said that yes it is about distrust and concealment. The main reason I said this is because I want her to know that if she can disclose this before any significant milestones occur in her next relationship a lot of this can be avoided. It isn't easy, nor is it fair to have to do so, but really it will make you much happier in the long run. When you said it was an issue of total nonacceptance I completely agree with you. Darla also needs to be accepting enough of herself to at least let her next partner know that she needs a DADT relationship and if that can't be respected then chances are it won't work out eventually.

I don't think Darla should feel ANY shame for crossdressing occasionally, it hurts no one. But she must not give her next partner an excuse to question the relationship or feel mislead.

The thing is there is a very good chance that the potential partner doesn't know the first thing about crossdressing, only that it isn't very accepted and that she is expected to publicly say that it is grounds for divorce or else maybe not fit in. It doesn't have to be a militant thing to mention it, you don't even have to make her see you while crossdressed. Couldn't you at least just feel her out a little about it in the beginning? Maybe even just ask her something like, you know my friends friend just found out her husband is a crossdresser and she's thinking about divorcing him. and then see what she says. If she thinks it's okay to divorce a crossdresser just ask her if that means that if you got married one day all you'd have to do to divorce her is to put on a pair of panties. If she says yes then just say "it's only clothes, and stay away from my jockeys" laugh it off, AND THEN BREAK UP WITH HER


I don't think Darla's wife is being very fair, or very nice to her at all. But isn't it important at least for Darla's future relationships to acknowledge that how she handled the issue probably helped to drive a wedge into the relationship just as much as her wife's intolerance and ignorance? Didn't it take both of these things for the problem to get this bad?

[Emjay]

Wow Darla, I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation.

You mention that you have been to therapists yourself, have you both been to see a counselor together or is it just too late for that? I know she has a hard time accepting the dressing but maybe if it came from someone else that this isn't just something that you can quit it would help?

If it's beyond the point of no return then yes, as others here have said obtain the services of a VERY good attorney. I know that when I went through my divorce had I not had the one I had things would have been a lot nastier than they were (and my divorce was incredibly nasty). Mine was not related to being CD/TG either, which could have opened up a whole different set of issues where my daughter was concerned. IDK that I would necessarily look for a pit bull but definitely look for one who won't take any cr*p and will look out for your best interests.

Above all, be there for your kids through this. I know you will and it goes without saying but the one thing that kept my sanity when I went through mine was my daughter and always always always being there for her. I always tried to leave whatever was going on between my ex and I apart from my relationship with her. I informed her what was going on but never bashed my ex to her nor did I allow anyone around me to do so either when she was present. My ex didn't see things the same way and felt that she could unload about me to my daughter as much as she wanted. Flash forward two years later: My daughter and I have always been and continue to be very close, she lives with me full time and cannot hardly stand to go to her mothers house, many times she skips moms weekend all together. It's sad really, I don't want her to have such a strained relationship with her mother, never have.... I try to encourage healing between the two of them because no matter what happened between her mother and I she is still "our" daughter and needs both of us.... I believe anyway. Maybe someday....

My heart really goes out to you. I know this is a terrible thing, I've been there though for different reasons, but it will pass. Hold your head high, take the high road whenever you can and be true to yourself. Hug your kids, tell them you love them as often as you can and always be there for them. You'll get through this.

~Autumn

[Darla]

Again - Wow you guys. A topic like this touches so many of us and there's a lot of common experience here. I guess that's why I posted. I so do wish I was lucky enough to be posting the "guess what my wife bought me" but we've never been able to get past go. Everyone, I mean everyone here has given me such good advice, I feel supported, vindicated and downright cared for. Thank you all so much.

And yes - we saw a couples councilor a few times and the ball was dropped in my court. "What do you want?" Was my wife's and the councilors gambit. Well really - it just felt like a landmine, as soon as I wanted anything it would explode. I wasn't supposed to want anything. I was supposed to turn it off. Well thank god I don't have to turn it off. Frankly I can't. I can just follow my heart, love my kids, forgive and live.

You all are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside ladies. Keep you all posted.

Love
Darla

[Jaylyn]

Darla I am so sorry, it doesn't look good, but I always say there's always a bright sunshine on the other side of what life throws at us. This is a small knot in a long string that we call life. I am praying that your wife can get her mind wrapped around this, please don't give up hope if you truly believe you want your family to accept who you are. Keep on trying to fix things. To me I would have another heart to heart with my wife. Usually when trouble starts it is from both sides. Marriage is full of gives and takes. Many gives or takes has to happen to have a successful marriage. My marriage has taken my wife thru so many highs and the low times that we made higher because we are a team and our number one goal was to raise four great, successful kids, that now have families of their own. Parents lead by example. There is always tough times but just use this as a test to make the marriage stronger. Keep the lines to the front of trouble open by being open with each other. Keep the supplies of love coming to front lines.

[docrobbysherry]

Stop reading sympathetic posts!

Look at every conceivable possibility!

Listen to Melanie!

You've made mistakes, that's water over the dam. Maybe over time you'll get back together? I thot that would happen with my marriage. It didn't. But rite off, I found the BEST DIVORCE LAWYER I COULD. To represent me if the S-- hit the fan. And, it did.

U need to be sure u have access to your children. Most states have laws that completely set the alimony, child support, and division of $$/property. But, NOT access to children! A spitefull spouse mite use your children to punish u for all her real and imagined damages!

FIND A TOP FLITE ATTORNEY NOW! If u reconcile, u may not need him/her. If u don't, u may regret NOT finding one the rest of your life!

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Well, since Darla and I have shared a very similar story, and we've shared a private message, Darla also has the options of sharing phone conversations with me. I fully know what she is going through, and while I cannot fully advise her, I can share my experiences, encouragement, and the promise of better things to come. Her story has deeply touched my heart. I've had others in the "dark ages" before the internet help me, and now it's my turn to give back!

Cheryl

[Rogina B]

Am I going off focus or topic on this thread, Ms. Moderator? No, there are several postings on this thread raising the issue of deceit and concealment.

I said early on in a post that there is more to this than Darla is telling us.And like Stephanie,I suggested they work through it with a proper therapist before blowing it all up. Life alone in a refrigerator box can get quite lonely..

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I would like to assure anyone that Darla and I have shared valid private messages. Our stories have very similar parallels. Please do no not discount what she is saying and force her to retreat into a shell while she could find the utmost support here! If her story was not true in some way then it would eventually fall apart. Why does anyone have any doubt?

Cheryl

[renaej7]

Darla, my heart goes out to you and your family. I pray for you and your family strength. I hope that you all will be able to work it out someway.

[IngeInCO]

I wish you the best in these trying times. Trust yourself! Only you know.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Darla

You used the words "fix" yourself. This almost always means you have been suppressing your actual gender identity and it is trying to get out.

If you have been trying to "fix" yourself since childhood than you may want to consider gender therapy. It is that impulse to make things "right" as the subconscious knows it to be.

You look for a solution in childhood to "fix" your body to match your gender. A obsession with movies or stories of men emulating women or a fascination with metamorphosis such as a caterpillar to a butterfly where there is dramatic change in external appearance could be an indicator of repressed gender identity. There are many other behaviors where the child tries to "fix" things.

Also many go the opposite direction and try to "fix" things by the extreme embrace of living among men such as in battle to "kill" the person inside them. It is not uncommon to swing wildly back and forth using both methods to "fix" things.

It is very common for marriages to fail for transsexuals because the marriage crashes into the repressed gender identity and your anxiety will intensify by being "trapped" because of the marriage so you than seek a solution.

Intimate relationships pose the risk of locking the person out of their gender and this can be intensely stressful.

Only you will be able to answer these questions.

Crossdressing can have very powerful undercurrents that drive the crossdressing and one of those undercurrents is the subconscious mind seeking resolution of gender dysphoria so the crossdressing works as a "trigger" bringing the gender dysphoria to the conscious surface and it also eases the dysphoria by creating the internalized image of self that has always been there.

Just as the child looks for a fix so to does the adult in the crossdressing but the adult unlike the child knows the difference between fantasy and reality so is helped and hurt by the experience of crossdressing.

The crossdressing will feel very frustrating because you use it to know yourself by the image you create but yet you do not want to know what it is telling you because the image will not represent the reality that you need which is living as you really know yourself to be so you experience a push-pull effect where you are attracted and repelled by your image because it does not align with your internalized image of self that you have always had and the need to make this image a physical reality.

You will feel better but worse because you experience the relief of a form of pressure in you that has always been there but the torment of it not being real.

[heatherdress]

Darla - All good advice given above. I am sorry for you, too. Focus on yourself. You will find a way to be a good father. Good luck.

[Michelle1969]

Hi Darla,

My wife and I went through a rough time ~6 months ago mostly for reasons other than crossdressing. As such, I think I have a pretty fair idea of what you're going through. And it's not pretty. You have my sincerest best wishes. Hang in there, and although it sounds like you already have a therapist, don't hesitate to talk to someone. I had to start taking anti-depressants; and I think if I hadn't, I shudder to think how deep the rabbit hole (of negative emotions) might have went.

Have you and your wife considered couples counselling? (apologies if you've mentioned it - I'm firing off this response right after reading your original post in this thread)