One Issue to Rule Them All

[Anne2345]

How is it that one stupid issue can hold so much power, sway, and influence over the entirety of one's existence and to the detriment of everything else?

I'm trans. But so what, right??!!

I mean, how difficult can dealing with one singular issue be??

I have addressed and overcome many, many issues, hurdles, and obstacles throughout my god-forsaken worthless, pathetic life before.

But this issue, that of transsexualism, is just plain kicking my ass in every way imaginable.

It dominates my thoughts daily. It infiltrates all facets of my life. It strips away what I have tried so hard to be for so many years.

I can't beat it. I know this. But I'm also too much of a big, giant pussy to throw in the towel in give in yet. I'm afraid. I'm really scared. I don't want this. Except that I do want it, and I do need it.

For all the progress I have made, I currently feel like shit right now.

I don't know. Most people as a general rule just plain suck. I hate being around them. I hate being around myself. I am sooooo completely fake that I am ashamed of myself. I really owe myself much better.

I'm afraid of the cost, though. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of loss.

But what more loss am I going to suffer? I was terminated from my job last week, so now I am unemployed. My wife is on me, wanting me to do this, that, and the other thing, and not do those things that will keep me sane. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand.

I am pretty much worthless right now. I seem to be failing left and right, and caving in again to the stress.

And all because of one issue that has entangled my life in its all-encompassing web of obsession and self-destruction.

Sometimes I feel like I can do this. Sometimes I feel that I lack the strength to do what is necessary. And other times I just want to give up and die.

I just don't get it, though. What's the big deal? It just ain't nothing but a thing. Just another issue to deal with, resolve, and move on to the next thing.

Except that it is anything but . . . .

Goddamn it!! Why does this have to be so hard??!!

Not that the answer matters, because in the end, it's irrelevant, and of no substantive consequence.

So yeah. I get it - at this particular moment, I am completely feeling sorry for myself, for which I hope you will forgive me. I don't care anyways, because this just doesn't matter. God I wish I could convince myself to truly believe that . . . .

Still, we all have our moments, after all. And, for better or worse, this moment is mine.

[stefan37]

You think transition is hard? Try running your own business. Transition is a cakewalk compared to that. And the moments you are experiencing are part of the trials we go through to achieve congruence. This condition sucks make no mistake, the losses we suffer are costly and are sometimes very tough to swallow and we incur tremendous pain and guilt as result. For me i am accomplishing things and handling stress so much better than I could ever hope to before. I am experiencing so many positive events in my life as result. Is it costly, yes and not just financially, many of us lose our marriages, jobs and family. Pull up your panties and find the good in you and start looking at the positives you are experiencing as you discover your true self. It is so worth it.

[LeaP]

Bad week, good weekend, bad days, followed by ...?

Failing? Or free?

Everything is possible? Or is it nothing?

And they say roller coasters are fun ...

Lea

Don't let those ear lobes close up.

[PaulaQ]

@LeaP - Roller Coasters have seatbelts or other safety restraints - none of that to be found here! We do at least get all the screams though - they just aren't the "OMG THIS IS SOOOO FUNNN!" ones...

@Anne 2345 - I'm sorry about your job, that's just awful. And yes, this is one issue to rule them all.

[Angela Campbell]

I talked to someone this weekend who told me how she knew it was time to transition

She said when she was a man all that she could think about was the girl. When she was the girl she never thought about the man.

That about covers how all encompasing this thing is.

[I Am Paula]

I'm still very new to transition, but damn, I'm an expert at GD. Everything you said was my life up untill a few weeks ago. If I didn't at least START the ball rolling, I would have ended up a mass of quivering ectoplasm (don't even really know what that is), rolled up in the fetal position on the floor.
I hit rock bottom on my in April. I had to get all drab and ugly for a dinner with people who didn't know yet. It took me four hours to get some guy jeans and a shirt on, punctuated by long crying jags. I felt so horrible and ugly, and well...not feminine that I could have ended it right there.
I talked my GP into an urgent meeting with an endo, who, just as urgently, got me a meeting with a gender therapist. I honestly think she saved my life, if not my sanity. When she told me I should start HRT ASAP (also my self diagnosis) a great wieght was lifted. Even tho' the drugs haven't even really kicked in yet, I know that at least I started something, and that helped me 100% in itself. 16 months ago, although I always knew I was transgender, I considered myself a content non-HRT, non-op, then the GD hit me hard. To the point I couldn't function anymore.
I hope you can come to some solid descisions, and soon. GD can make your life a living hell. Transition may sound hard, but it's got to be easier than GD.

[Julie Gaum]

Do you feel better getting that off your chest ?--- I'm sure you do as writing down one's feelings is a cathartic for one's self.
"I get it" ??? No you don't. "I don't care anyways" ??? Of course you do for "this shit" does matter very much to you. Yes, you sorely need a qualified therapist to put your head back on. Now that you're out of work it's not likely you can afford to take this vital step unless you can borrow from a family member. You have a wife to whom you have obligations and yourself that you also owe an accounting; so first off use all you energies and mentality to find a good job --- that is first priority and will keep your mind away from feeling sorry for yourself. Not an easy task for it is a very normal trait for all of us when confused, frustrated and dealt a severe blow job-wise. That one f-----g issue must go on the back burner for now. God put you on this earth for a purpose so find it!
Bear with me for a tale that comes to mind that you may have already read: Farmer has an old horse that he believes is useless to itself and worthless to the farmer so he throws the poor creature into an abandoned well. Then the farmer begins to shovel dirt and manure into the well in order to bury the poor animal. This activity goes on for hours but, strangely, the horse's cries seem to becoming louder the more the farmer shovels. By nightfall the horse can be seen jumping out of the well. You see, instead of being buried by all the shit thrown at her, she has been stepping on each shovel full which, foot by foot, brought her that much higher in the well untill she was free!
Julie

[Nicole Erin]

I remember when I felt like that a lot.
It takes time but you get to a point where you wonder what you were so worried about.
I think the best way is to spend time in the real world as yourself. Eventually your social circle reconstructs, your confidence grows, and you get treated like just another person. People probably figure out I am TS pretty easy but no one makes a big deal of it, nor do I.

You have to hang in there, move forward, roll with the punches. Hang in there and eventually you will come out so strong that being TS is not even a thought. It takes work though.

They sometimes say confidence helps you pass. While that isn't entirely true, it DOES allow you to live and move through the world no more scathed than anyone else. Confidence cannot be bought, given in surgery, or anything like that, you have to EARN it.

[mary something]

sounds like you're dealing with a whole lot right now. It's good to be able to vent these feelings out. If it helps I know how that between a rock and a hard place feeling is while being at war with yourself internally also.

Do everything you can to take good care of your body right now. Try to make sure you're getting enough sleep, tylenol pm's work great for me when I can't. Try to eat healthy and if possible get some vigorous aerobic exercise in every day even if it's just for 15 or 20 minutes, it will metabolize a lot of those stress hormones that are being pushed into your bloodstream. Take advantage of the mind/body connection and you'll feel more centered and less overwhelmed by the tremendous amount of crap that's hitting you right now.

Take care Anne

[Barbara Ella]

You have been stressed beyond limitations right now. Your job loss coming the way it did is a killer for a person with simple normal activities to put up with. You, girl, have activities going on that are far from normal. So, sure, feeling right now that you have been crapped on by an 800 pound gorilla sitting on your head is understandable.

Can't fall back on the old line that "this too shall pass" because, although my experience is minuscule, I know the hurt, desparation, and uncertainty. I just have not had the time in grade yet to do more than sympathize.

It is understandable why you would focus on the one issue to rule all others. It is your life right now that you have been balancing with what you need to have a life with your family and friends. Now Your wife, perhaps rightly, thinks you should really be focusing on that which she sees as most important, taking care of them, and not yourself. I know you are having angst with this, and know that you must put them first, but are trying to figure out how to save yourself, because if you go down, everyone follows quickly.

I know you will handle this moment, and can read between the lines that even while you were having your moment here, you were also figuring out things to try. You will try them. You will have successes. You will move on and succeed in the long run, just hang on girl, not the time to let go yet.

Barbara

[Emma Beth]

I can sympathize with your situation, Anne.

I know that fear and feeling of worthlessness. From what I know of how far you have come in your journey, I know that you have the strength to pull through this and come out on the other side shining and radiant as ever.

Do your best to find that new job and once you start working again, you will feel so much better.

My Wife has been out of work for over ten years and just started a new job a little over a month and a half ago and I see how much it has helped her self confidence, self esteem, and self worth. She loves this job so much that if she can't find another one after the season is over, she will go back next year.

I know how hard finding another job is and to compound that with your transition issues that you feel like much less than you should.

Pull up those big girl panties, square your shoulders, and flash the world a finger just before you smile and carry on. I some how know you can do it.

Love and Lots of Hugs,
Jamie

[FurPus63]

I agree with almost everyone on here. You need a therapist. I'm a professional counselor and could talk to you privately if you wish, but you need to find a gender therapist in your area a.s.a.p. I know how much life can suck and be shitty. I've suffered most of mine and continue to go through horrible life circumstances myself right now. I lost my job in February after working for seven months as a woman. I'm past one year now in full-time transition and HRT. I'm trying to find a job and life is getting tough.

However; I am still living my life as a woman and loving every minute of it! That's my suggestion to you. Take sollace in the little things. Enjoy what you can about being a girl/woman. Dress up even when you don't have to, constantly work on your walk, voice, etc .... doing those things that are necessary to present yourself as a female. Get joy from the smallest details of your transition, painting your fingernails, getting a new hair style, buying and wearing a new dress or skirt, etc...

I could go on and on about this, but the bottom line is enjoy being a woman! That's what this is all about.

[elizabethamy]

Anne, I haven't written much lately here but I have to jump in right now. As you might remember (it was hard to avoid with all my ramblings on here at the time) I lost my job a year and a few months ago, and it was a fate so cruel and so misery-inducing that I barely made it out alive. At the time you and others told me: take care of how you are going to eat and have a roof over your head and pay your bills. Maybe let your gender issues back off a bit while you solve that big problem. I was actually offended at that advice because I was in the middle of the greatest and most magical and terrible and overwhelming life change I had ever imagined, and how could I return to worrying about money in the middle of that???

But with the help of an army of therapists and an angry but ultimately supportive wife, I did what was suggested and though it was painful and difficult and I hated having to let go of my elizabethamy explorations and searchings, focusing on the job/money/house/food situation was absolutely the right thing to do. I'm not as far along as you in the whole transition/gender exploration question and am probably further behind where I should ahve been by now thanks to all that job stuff, but I can say this: I'm alive in part because I took care of all that and it helped hold my self-esteem together. I'm also sure that no matter what happens with me gender-wise (and marriage-wise and children-wise) I know everyone including myself will be better off for having addressed the job problem straight on. So I guess I agree -- it is one ring to rule them all, but I remember not believing that and not seeing it. But if/when you solve it, then you can deal with transition and everything related to it from a much stronger position.

Remember there is a person in the center of all this who is beloved by many on this forum and, I'm sure, by many more in real life at home. Trust that you have earned the help you'll need. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need, Anne, and I believe it will be given to you, because you are shiny and golden and deserving of all the love and support and job prospects that you need right now. Take care of yourself.

love,

elizabethamy