Considering Therapy

[Aly Cat]

So, i know a few of you know my situation at home but ill just quickly share for those who dont. I have dressed off and on since i was about 13 (Im 31 now). Like a lot of people here, i kept it from my spouse for about 10 years before coming out to her. I was met with lots of resistance and rejection and things have been really hard. That was about 6 months ago. Roughly 2 months ago, my wife gave me an ultimatum about staying together as a family (we have 2 boys who are 6 and 9) and no longer crossdressing, or being on my own and getting to dress how i want. I chose to stay...which as we all know is just a ticking timebomb. Well its been two months and obviously nothing has changed with how i think or feel about dressing. I am considering going to therapy. I have found a few gender identity therapists within close proximity to where i live but God im nervous. I have never been to therapy in my life other than pre marital counseling and i dont really know what to expect. I also dont want to keep it from my wife but i dont really know how to approach her on this topic either. I dont want to do any couples therapy yet until ive done the individual thing for a while. Does anyone know if this sort of thing is covered under insurance? I dont really have money to see someone if its not covered. I just know things arent really getting better in my head and if anything, its just been getting worse. I kind of expected this but i also wanted to let my wife know i was willing to try. Ugh...

[Beverley Sims]

Even if you have to pay something I think couples therapy could help if your wife is receptive to it.

[Greenie]

A number of sessions were covered for Luca on his insurance plan. You will need to see what your insurance covers, but unfortunately at least for us, the people in the network were not "gender" specialized. We ended up needing to see a regular counselor. I think that just TALKING to someone who doesnt have a stake in your relationship is nice. Both Luca and I have done counseling together and separate... You should ask him. he was really apprehensive about it, but now is really glad it is something he did. I loved my solo counseling experience.

I would go for it.

[Aly Cat]

In terms of couples therapy, my wife is only open to it if we see the counselor from our church. I dont think it would do any good since its not an impartial person and i dont think i would feel comfortable enough to open up to him. I just dont really know how to tell my wife that i am seeking out counseling from a gender identity specific counselor. I am going to probably call the office and talk to them about how the insurance thing works before talking to my wife. No sense in opening that can of venomous snakes if i cant even afford the counselling.

[Stephanie47]

I would NOT go to couples counseling at a church. I'm sure you would be able to get a sense of how the pastor feels about lifestyles that are not just plain vanilla heterosexual. There may be an exception, but, you're setting yourself up for more heartache. The sessions may lead to just plain reaffirmation of your wife's non acceptance.

Counseling may be covered under a health insurance plan. If you chose counseling make sure the therapist is versed in gender issues.

Since your wife gave you an ultimatum the cat is out of the bag. I would recommend that you talk to your wife about how trying to live up to her ultimatum is causing you a lot of mental anguish. Tell her counseling with a minister who will do nothing more than to reaffirm her non acceptance, and, will do nothing to alleviate your anguish. Look into individual therapy to gain insight in who you are and how to cope with her non acceptance. Maybe, once seeing the angst you're going through she may be willing to listen to a qualified gender therapist.

At age 31 how long do you think you can suffer mental anguish? "No sense in opening that can of venomous snakes?" The snakes are already out in plain sight.

My wife is not accepting of cross dressing. I'm in a DADT marriage. I do not push the envelope. I would never dress in front of her. I don't want to dress in front of her. I don't want to even "arrange" time for my dressing. It just occurs when the opportunity arises. Sometimes the knowledge that one may have the opportunity to dress when it presents itself is enough to help get through the dry spells.

Good luck to you.

[mikiSJ]

I agree with much of what Stephanie has said.

Reading between the lines, it appears your wife puts much value in her religious teachings and to limit counseling only to a pastoral environment is simply a setup for a lose/lose situation.

[CherylFlint]

Bite the bullet and live up to your obligations, which is to raise your children.
As for your wife, either she’ll realize that you’re a cross dresser whether in drab or not, that you’re the same person whether you are in a dress or not, and that she obviously liked you because she married you, so what’s the big deal?
It’s her problem, not yours.
Raise your kids, and when they finish high school, off they go into the real world.
Then you can do what you want, and if your wife grows up by then, fine. If she doesn’t, fine too.
Right now, for you, family comes first.
Love is the most powerful of emotions and if it's right between you and your wife it'll work out.
You don't need therapy, you need some common sense.
Good luck. Don't loose your kids over this.

[sandra-leigh]

I have had varying experiences with therapy. The one I started going to in fall of 2012 just wasn't doing much for me; I was spending too much time educating him that gender dysphoria does not automatically mean sex change, and that No, this or that difficulty I was having was not triggered by gender issues. (e.g., I don't have so high an opinion of myself as to believe they would lay off 70+ additional people just to get at me.)

The "general" therapist I had for several years before that was fairly good, and helped me through years of rough periods.

The short-term therapist I have been going to this year is very good at digging in deep.

I could have done without that middle one I mentioned, but I am glad I went to the other ones.

[Barbra P]

Even if your insurance won’t cover therapy for your crossdressing they may cover therapy for depression even if the depression is caused by your crossdressing. I wouldn’t pursue therapy on the basis of your being a crossdresser but rather that you are depressed. You can then bring up to your Therapist that you are a crossdresser and you feel that much of your depression is due to your inability to cross dress.

Both my Physician and my Therapist pointed out that depression is a major concern, depression and the resulting stress can cause serious illness and it can lead to suicide if untreated. Do yourself a favor and get some help.

[andrea lace]

I am with Cheryl on this one my wife and I are in a W.D.G.A.F relationship and she understands that what I do hurts no one. I just wish all spouses had her attitude

[Aly Cat]

Ya I mainly just want someone who has a bit of experience working with these sort of issues to talk to and get advice from. Someone who has been trained and has helped people through these kinds of issues and depression. My kids will always come first in my life, which is why i made the decision that i did, so i will always choose them first and foremost. I just know that with how i am now, all i want to do is be left alone from everyone. I know my kids pick up on that stuff and i just want to work through these issues i have. I dont feel guilty about crossdressing. In fact, i feel a total peace about it. The problem is that that is not the case for my wife. We have two very different viewpoints on the matter and i feel like the kids are somewhat used as leverage against me with the whole ultimatum thing. She knows they are my life and that i would sacrifice everything for them...even my own happiness. I just want to have a professional to be able to talk to who if i mention crossdressing, wont automatically write it off and try to convince me that it is morally wrong.

[PaulaQ]

Eva Lynn, there is no reason to be nervous seeing a therapist. If they are good, you'll learn a lot about yourself, and they are likely to have good ideas to help with your home life. I think you'll find it a very non judgemental environment. Mine has helped me a lot.

As for your insurance, you may have to file out of network, and file it yourself. They will frequently use a very vague diagnostic code, so your insurance provider doesn't need to know what you talk about.

[ossian]

You both should consider therapy with a transgender CD knowledgeable therapist. This will help both you and your wife.

[DebbieL]

So, i know a few of you know my situation at home but ill just quickly share for those who dont. I have dressed off and on since i was about 13 (Im 31 now). Like a lot of people here, i kept it from my spouse for about 10 years before coming out to her.

This was your first mistake. What if your wife had told you she wanted to have a threesome with you and another man? What if she wanted to do it a few times a week?
If your sexual preference was for women, the idea of making love to a man, as a man, would probably be a big problem. In effect, this is what you are asking your wife to do. She married what she thought was a man, because that was what she wanted. If your behavior reinforced the masculine image, then she had every right to expect you to be a man. Many of us live in "Stealth Mode", learning to look and act like a man even when we want to dress like girls. Even those who want to BE girls can be very effective at looking and acting more masculine than most men. Many of us consider it necessary to survive.

I was met with lots of resistance and rejection and things have been really hard. That was about 6 months ago. Roughly 2 months ago, my wife gave me an ultimatum about staying together as a family (we have 2 boys who are 6 and 9) and no longer crossdressing, or being on my own and getting to dress how i want.

I'm not surprised she has done this, it was pretty predictable, however it's only one possible solution. There are at least a dozen other alternatives available that you two should explore together.

I chose to stay...which as we all know is just a ticking timebomb. Well its been two months and obviously nothing has changed with how i think or feel about dressing. I am considering going to therapy.

This is literally a ticking time-bomb. If you are transgendered and really have an emotional need to dress and/or express your feminine side, a forced abstinence can be a recipe for self destructive behavior. Given enough time, you will probably end up seriously wanting to end your life, even actually attempting to end your life. In most cases, there is no warning, and the act could be as simple as slamming on the brakes and spinning out in front of an 18 wheeler, driving until you are so tired you fall asleep at the wheel and drive off the road. You may even find yourself gaining weight, eating garbage food all the time, drinking more than you should, not sleeping, snapping at people at work, struggling to stay focused on even simple tasks.

I have found a few gender identity therapists within close proximity to where i live but God im nervous. I have never been to therapy in my life other than pre marital counseling and i dont really know what to expect.

Find a gender therapist who also does couples' counseling. The ultimate goal for both of you is to determine how you can maintain a workable marriage and still have a fulfilling and satisfactory life as a transgender person. In my case, the therapist gave us the bottom line - platonic marriage, open marriage where we each had lovers, or getting divorced and finding happiness elsewhere. The biggest problem with option two is that one or both of the outside partners may want more than just "bootie calls".

In my case, I stayed chaste, my wife found a lover, and things were OK for about 3 months. The problem was that the other man wanted to marry my wife. I made them wait a year before I would get divorced, and told her that she could come back if it didn't work out. She wanted to be reasonable with child support, but the state had mandated minimums that were no less than 1/2 my after-tax pay, not deductable, and there were additional mandates for child care since my wife was working. The worst possible time is when one of the kids is in kindergarten, because you still have to pay full day-care for the daily care if she has to work (she will have to work, no matter what you do). I also threw in a bit more, but then insisted that there would be no further increases and that if she couldn't take care of the kids, for any reason, custody of both children would automatically and irrevocably revert to me. I didn't want him "Adopting" the kids or putting one of them with his sister, who didn't think she could have kids.

Even this wasn't enough for my ex-wife. When she found out that I was starting transition, she worked with her new sister-in-law to find a social worker who would write a letter claiming my visitations were detrimental to the children and visitation should be revoked or supervised, and a judge who would issue the order without a hearing.

I also don't want to keep it from my wife but i don't really know how to approach her on this topic either. I don't want to do any couples therapy yet until I've done the individual thing for a while. Does anyone know if this sort of thing is covered under insurance?

Actually, the BEST strategy is just the opposite. You should get the counseling which may be covered by your company's Employee Assistance Plan (EAP), usually for the first 12 weeks without deductibles, and then additional sessions with a modest deductible.

I dont really have money to see someone if its not covered. I just know things arent really getting better in my head and if anything, its just been getting worse. I kind of expected this but i also wanted to let my wife know i was willing to try. Ugh...

Usually, by the end of the 12 sessions, your therapist will be able to make a covered diagnosis. Most of us, when confronted with such an impossible decision with such painful consequences, are likely to be experiencing depression, or even bipolar issues, have a history of post-traumatic stress, and many of us have been suicidal at various points of our lives, especially when facing the prospect of a life without the things we've come to know and love, and no knowledge of what wonderful things may be yet to come. I call it the "black part of the change tunnel" - that point where you have no chance of going back to what you once knew, but have not yet seen new possibilities of what could be.

As for telling your wife, just tell her you've been thinking about suicide, and decided that couples therapy might be a better choice. Once she realizes that there is a very real possibility that she could end up being your widow, she will realize how significant this issue really is. At the same time, the therapist will help you be more compassionate about how she feels. Since you haven't told me anything of what your wife is like, it's hard to say how it might work out.

What I can say is that every time I have been having thoughts of suicide, I have gotten appropriate help and my life has turned around dramatically. After my dad died, I had the desire to take his advice and "Be Yourself, even if that's Debbie". I considered transition and was starting to do something the things necessary, such as facial hair removal, researching legal process, and reading more of the details about the current process for transition (It's changed RADICALLY in the last 25 years).

One thing to remember. If you are truly transsexual, it is now considered UNETHICAL to try and force or coerce you into accepting your birth gender. This is based on research covering 1.2 million respondents to surveys over the last 4 years. Those are forced to stay in their birth gender based on fear of unacceptable consequences such as physical violence, loss of home, wife, children, parental support, job, and so on, are more likely to become self-destructive, more than have of the respondents had tried to commit suicide more than once, and about 40% had tried multiple times using methods that SHOULD have killed them. Nearly 75% struggled with drugs, alcohol, or other high risk behaviors.

The good news is that of those who did go through gender transition, about 95% reported being more successful and happy, being successful in business, having loving and supporting relationships, having a circle of friends they love, and feeling truly accepted and deeply loved, often for the first time in their whole lives. Most felt that their friendships and relationships when living in "Stealth Mode" were inauthentic, because they were based on a complex fabric of lies and deception. Those who transitioned or came out felt that people were actually loving or liking THEM rather than the puppet image they had created, often for the first time in their lives. I have found that Debbie's friendships were very deep and sincere, including both social and romantic relationships.

Feel free to share this with you wife if you'd like, along with my book. I would also suggest doing the Landmark Forum as part of your recovery program. There is a cost, but in the course, which lasts 3 (long) days and 1 evening, you can work through issues that normally take years to confront, not as therapy, but by actually seeing your life from new perspectives, and learning to create real possibilities worth living into, and having distinctions of integrity, responsibility, and committed action that will enable you to fulfill those possibilities. Even if only ONE of you does it (you), the whole nature of your relationship with your wife will change in wonderful ways.

Anyone else who wants to share this posting should feel free to do so.

[ShelbyDawn]

I have been in therapy for over two years and it has helped me immensly.
I would suggest you find a therapist you like and don't limit yourself to just gender specific counselors. From what you have said, you have a lot more issues to resolve than just crossdressing.
My therapist has helped me not only with coming to terms with what CD means to me but with the stress of my relationship with my now ex( CD was not a driving issue in the divorce, btw) and dealing with all kinds of other things.
I am a much more balanced and sane person than I was before I started the counseling. The biggest issue I ended up dealing with was and is my relatinship with my ex...
She likes to give ultimatums, too.
A good therapist can really help you. My insurance does pay for the sessions but each insurance is different.

Hang in there and good luck.

Shelby

[Amanda M]

I shall keep this brief. I do think you would benefit from therapy, on your own initially, so that you become clear in your own mind what your real feelings and needs are, then you will be in a better place to know where you want to go from there. It is probable that your relationship would benefit from your wife knowing that your are seeking therapy.

Finally, seeing a pastor or church based therapist would, IHMO, be a mistake. These people come with an agenda of their own.

[CherylFlint]

What makes it work between my wife and me is that she REALLY has someone who doesn't mind spending HOURS looking at dresses and such at the mall.
Besides, if you make it fun for your wife it's a lot easier. My wife picks out what she wants me to wear, and we even go wig shopping together because, as she says, she'll be the one who has to look at it.
With her help I can "pass" most of the time. When we're at a cafe getting lunch she's the one to order.
Hey, you only go around once so why not make it fun?

[Marie-Elise]

Bite the bullet and live up to your obligations, which is to raise your children.
As for your wife, either she’ll realize that you’re a cross dresser whether in drab or not, that you’re the same person whether you are in a dress or not, and that she obviously liked you because she married you, so what’s the big deal?
It’s her problem, not yours.
Raise your kids, and when they finish high school, off they go into the real world.
Then you can do what you want, and if your wife grows up by then, fine. If she doesn’t, fine too.
Right now, for you, family comes first.
Love is the most powerful of emotions and if it's right between you and your wife it'll work out.
You don't need therapy, you need some common sense.
Good luck. Don't loose your kids over this.

This. IMHO, we make sacrifices for marriage and the family. This is one of them. Even though I would love to dress every day all day, I can't and won't for the sake of keeping the family together. I love my wife and my son. This has priority over everything.

Some will say self-fulfillment is important, too. And it is. But I take the little bit of fulfillment I can get and I am thankful for it. Once we reach the next stage in life and our son is grown and out of the house, I will re-evaluate. My expectation is that, by then, my bond with my wife will be such that we'll be together no matter what happens.

Having said that, my situation is different than yours. My wife is not in the least religious and, as far as my dressing goes, doesn't want it to be a big deal when I do it. Just do it, enjoy it and don't expect her to take any special notice of it. She has not told me not to do it or that I should not do it.

I hope you can come to some means of keeping the family together if that is your goal.

[Amanda M]

Cheryl, I have to mention a couple of points about what you have said. Firstly, how did you decide that this person does not need therapy, just common sense? The problem here is that when issues are as clouded as the OP says they are, clarity is needed, and I believe this needs to come from discussion with a non-judgemental person who has no axe to grind.

Secondly, you say "Make it fun for your wife....." That makes me wonder if you did really read the original post. It's not JUST her problem - this is a life changing sityation that deeply affects both people in the relationship.

[Greenie]

As for telling your wife, just tell her you've been thinking about suicide, and decided that couples therapy might be a better choice. Once she realizes that there is a very real possibility that she could end up being your widow, she will realize how significant this issue really is. At the same time, the therapist will help you be more compassionate about how she feels. Since you haven't told me anything of what your wife is like, it's hard to say how it might work out.

I feel like to read a little to deeply here. EVA never said anything about being a transsexual. And just so you know, I am in a family with a lot of emotional and depressive issues. The WORST thing you can even do in my opinion is to tell someone you are thinking about killing yourself to get what you want. That is manipulative and WRONG. Not to mention the boy crying wolf. What happens if there ever is a time in which eva really does get into a depressive state. But he has already told his wife that he wants to kill himself as a manipulative tactic to get into therapy, or to dress more or whatever. The likelihood she will believe him and step up to help him save his life is way less. Eva is not going to go tell his wife that if they don't get counseling he is going to end up in a ditch somewhere. I think Eva knows that's wrong. Most people should know that's wrong. :/

NEVER EVER give advice telling people that they should tell their SO's they are going to kill themselves. I am highly disappointed and distraught at this advice. That will just scare her and she could take alternate actions like getting a divorce or telling him that he needs to go to a mental hospital. Her reaction is going to be first and foremost to protect her kids. If she is as religious as EVA tells us she is, she knows that suicide is a sin and probably wont react that way.

[Aly Cat]

I agree with Greenie on this one. I have had to work with suicidal friends before and i would never use that against my wife unless i was truly in need of help for that. In regards to depression...Yes, i definitely feel depressed. Suicide has never crossed my mind though. I have strong feelings about that topic both religiously based and on a personal level that i wont get into here.
In terms of "just having fun with it", that would never work with a wife who finds it religiously wrong. When i first came out to her back in December, she compaired what i did to Soddom and Gamorah of the Bible. Im pretty sure that in no way would she find any of it fun. Now, i understand that a lot of fun could be had if she was open to it...like shopping, sharing the passion for fashion, and so on. That involves a change in her thinking though.

I dont think i am a transsexual and when it comes to the TG thermometer, im pretty mild. I dont wear wigs or forms...i wouldnt mind playing with some makeup, but overall, i like being a guy. Besides, id be a hideous woman lol. I did that "rate your face" test that was linked from another post and i was given a 99% male face lol. My problem is that i dont have the freedom to figure out this part of myself and how far it truly goes. Maybe i would like wigs and forms...i wouldnt know because i dont have access to them nor the freedom to do anything. These are the kinds of things i want to be able to talk to a professional about. Also, the therapist i am going to be talking to has experience in gender identity issues, depression, couples, and family counseling among a long list of other things. She has been practicing for over 20+ years and i have an over the phone consultation with her in about an hour to see if she would be a good fit. Im hoping for the best.
My goal is to have all these issues worked out and eventually have my wife be a part of things so that we can move on with our lives as a couple. I dont want to get divorced and im not willing to give up. I think the worst thing i can think is....i can do it on my own...when clearly i cant. I cant afford to be ashamed to ask for help. I have too much at stake.

[kimdl93]

I agree - there's not value in threat making...of any kind. I also have a very strong feeling that your wife's religious views, and perhaps yours, are going to make this a very difficult process. People seldom change their fundamental ideas, and those rare occasions when people do let go of cherished beliefs are usually precipitated by extremely difficult situations that challenge and force one to reconsider or at least temper his/her beliefs.

My question, Eva, is how do you and your wife resolve other disagreements? Have there been other disagreements when you were able to work through the issues?

[traci_k]

What Barbara P said - I got my therapist covered too by anxiety and depression but immediately brought up GD/GID issues and am getting hrt letter in 3 weeks or so. But yes-seek therapy, it's wonderful!

Pastors not recommended unless you want to have fun. If you can get them to agree there are no errors in the Bible and everything is 100% true, have them look up Ezekial 29:9-13. Ask them, do you know of a period where Egypt was unhabited for 40 years? Never was - Bingo you win. Your wife will probably be POed..

[Aly Cat]

I agree - there's not value in threat making...of any kind. I also have a very strong feeling that your wife's religious views, and perhaps yours, are going to make this a very difficult process. People seldom change their fundamental ideas, and those rare occasions when people do let go of cherished beliefs are usually precipitated by extremely difficult situations that challenge and force one to reconsider or at least temper his/her beliefs.

My question, Eva, is how do you and your wife resolve other disagreements? Have there been other disagreements when you were able to work through the issues?

In all honesty, of the last 10 years, we have rarely had any disagreements. Overall, we have gotten along really well. Both of us are very laid back and easy going so not a lot rocks the boat. On the few occasions where we have hsd issues like finances and whatnot, we have always buckled down and done what needs to get done for us to survive.
We have always been good friends and in all honesty, i think we make better friends than lovers. Its weird i know, but the bedroom isnt all that active and yet we have a decent relationship overall. The crossdressing has really been the biggest hurtle that we have faced. Both of us are rather devout Christians, but there seems to be a dividing line between what we believe on this topic. She knows what her friends at church have told her, and i know the background of the Biblical references to which they quote and know that it does not relate to modern day...unless of course the women start dressing like men and worshiping Mars and the men dress like women to worship Venus. Then the biblical scripture would have some merit.

[Aly Cat]

I do have to mention that there was a period about 3 years ago when we did almost get a divorce because my wife wanted to be free of all the responsibilities of being a mother and wife and wanted to go on a road trip for several months alone. She was going through a bunch of stuff that from what she says, has since been resolved and no longer messes with her. I did give her an ultimatum back then saying that if she disapeared for several months to go on a joyride by herself while i worked full time to pay for it and take care of a 3 and 5 year old when we had no extra money and were scraping by to survive, that we would not be there when she got back. I explained to her that it was not only irresponsible, but also unsafe for a person to drive around the country by themselves for months. She told me that she would resent me for the rest of her life if i did not let her go. She has since (rather recently) apologized for saying that among other things and told me that she does not resent me and thst she loves me for not letting her go. Nowadays, she shows nothing but love for me. She is always telling me that she loves me, gives me kisses all the time, and spends more time with me than the computer...which is a big improvement. She told me that back then, i was the one holding the marriage together and that now, she will do everything she can to hold it together. On all other fronts, she is loving and caring and wants things to work. She just will not budge when it comes to crossdressing.