What is "Improved"?

[LeaP]

... if your quality of life has stayed the same or improved maybe go with the flow for a while ...

The comment above is a good one - but got me to thinking. Just what kind of quality of life improvement is enough?

I do think of myself as better off in many ways these days. I'm far more stable psychologically. I'm more present, and have moments of ... dare I say it ... actually happiness at times. Don't laugh, but when it started happening, it was so novel that I didn't exactly know what it was until my wife pointed it out, also that it's normal! ... To which I replied, quite genuinely and innocently, "really?"

But depression still creeps in. I have my "Anne" days (see Anne2345's latest thread). I have a looming collision over physical changes from HRT with the male world in which I still live. There are the effects on my wife and marriage, which are considerable. The inner monologue goes on. The desire to be is still there. And now I know, of course, what the problem was that screwed up my life to-date.

So is THIS an improved quality of life? Frankly, on the whole, no. It's analogous to now knowing I have terminal cancer as opposed to simply being miserable and sick. (Not that I'd run TOO far with that analogy.) The treatment is helping, but the problem is still there. As Anne put it, it is still the issue to rule them all. There's no retreating from HRT. I'm certain that would be one of my last decisions.

So what's good enough? Or is the concept itself completely screwy? Maybe the idea is inapplicable to TSs?

[arbon]

I don't know what is improved or not where you are at, I'm not trying to treat the dysphoria and maintain a male identity
just hrt was not enough for me, I could not keep living as a man. It was not working.

I don't have days like Anne or Paula or you are having anymore. I used to have them all the time.

I blew my life up, risked it all, took my losses,
accepted the harassment and discrimination that I have already had to deal with and I know will still come,
walked through my fears, let things unfold as they needed to in my life. Sometimes it was incredibly hard and painful.

to get to a point where I don't really experience the dysphoria, I don't feel like I am living a lie
I don't have the anxiety and depression that I used to have from it



whats good enough - its interesting because I'm not driven by the dysphoria anymore really, so when I think about surgery its something I would like to have, its something that I think would be beneficial to me. But its a choice, its not a need. Its not something that I get depressed about not having or feel like I absolutely must have to be complete. Even my long neck and big adams apple is not that bothersome to me anymore, but its still something I would like to improve about my appearance.

so is where I am at good enough,? well it could be better, yes, there are things I would like to do. But I can live comfortably with myself as I am now also, where as I could not live comfortably with myself before.

I have experienced a lot of personal growth in the last few years, a lot of self acceptance, a lot of improvement in my life.

[stefan37]

Making the decision to transition was the best decision I have ever made. The quality of my life has improved. I am capable of doing thins I was incapable of doing previously. The energy I was consuming to hide and suppress my inner self has been released and been replaced with positive energy which has resulted in many positive events in my life. I am enjoying the changes I am experiencing both physically and mentally. I do not hide the physical changes such as breast development and if people ask I am forthright in discussing I am in the process of transitioning. I have no anxiety anymore that is paralyzing. I am alcohol and substance free for 18 months now since I made the decision to transiton. I have lost 4 lbs since last June and weigh in at 180. I swim 3600 yds weekly. I have disclosed to my family, friends, employees and about 4 of my clients and customers. Those others I know notice things, they do not bring it up so neither do I.

I am in the home stretch with facial hair removal. I have my lower neck left to initially clear. My tech clears every session and my upper lip, chin and cheeks are effectively cleared with very little regrowth. I plan on applying for legal name change hopefully this week or next once I decide on a middle name. About six months ago after 6 months on estrogen I finally know what it feels like to start feeling comfortable with myself. It is hard to describe, but I noticed it and I am enjoying it. I am making progress and have started to save for ffs and with luck my health insurance will pick up srs or at least a portion of it.

It all has not been sugar and roses. My marriage of 30years is a casualty. We still live together but it is more matter of convenience at this time. It has effectively ended and become a platonic relationship. My daughter is cordial but there is a distance between us. They know I still love both of them and will do what I can to support them, but I must travel the path I am on and they have to find their own path to travel. I have been filled with sadness and guilt over me being the cause of our demise. There was a coldness this weekend and I think I now know it is definitely over. It has become easier and actually is liberating in that I am now free to progress as I see fit without worrying how it she will feel about it. Our conversations are honest candid and we do still tend to get along as business partners.

I have met new friends that are really nice and a lot of fun to be around. Most of my old friends still want to be with me so that is positive. I do not socialize with my wife or her friends anymore so that is a loss. Overall, my marriage aside the changes transition has afforded me along with the positive events has resulted in my being comfortable for the first time in my life. My anxiety is gone and more importantly it is gone with no impairment. I am looking forward to the challenges as I progress forward.

[groove67]

This is something i would tell any trans person that you need to make sure if you know you are trans and will make the move put money away as you never know what will happen in work place. In my case i did just that and job is fine so far so good and almost two years since i went fulltime and little over 4 months from srs and we are moving on. My wife left wanted a man and so do i and my daughters are my best friends and call me mother t. I have never been more happy in my life and being almost a total woman is great and truly i already live and feel that way. It is very costly to make all this happen so you need to plan ahead as i doubt that any of us just found out in last few weeks that we are transgender i have known all my life just tried to make my family happy being a man lol marry have kids. Well i knew entire time i was wrong just finally came to terms ten years ago that this is not me, but i made sure i had the money to get through all this and i have so far.

[Angela Campbell]

Hmmmm maybe I will just wait and see how much like a girl I have to look before the people at work say anything about it? They have a very strong policy against discrimination of gay and lesbians so maybe if they just think I am gay they will just leave me alone.

As far as I am concerned I began my transition almost a year ago. When I began losing weight to make me look better as a woman I was transitioning. Taking hormones is just one more step in that direction. I was already a woman from the start ....all I have to do is make my body look more like one.

At work the women would wear the same clothes as the men do. Not much would change for me either way. I will slowly begin to look different, but then again in the last year I lost over 115 lbs, and all of my facial hair. I will grow out my hair and see where it goes from there. I will likely not go to HR until I am ready to change my name and legal gender.

[groove67]

If i where you i would talk to hr and plan my transation . If they feel as you say do not see them doing any different with a transgender person. Let me say i know that couple of promotions have came up at work and i know if i where not wearing a skirt i would have gotten one of then however i decided not to upset things as been pretty smooth and in four months will have my surgery and never know how long i will be off so just leave well enough alone.

[KellyJameson]

I am no longer afraid of my own mind and what this mind may do to me or my life.

After thirty years if you start from when I was born the anxiety is gone partly from finally getting the hormones right for by brain and body and partly from seeing myself physically more as that internalized image that I have always carried but I'm no longer scared out of my mind of being "out of my mind"

I feel anxious from external situations that challenge me but I am free for the first time from the existential terror that I had always know that was the foundation for the dissociation and repression caused by the brain body dichotomy

It is nice to finally live and be able to feel like I'm not in a "bad way" and have a future to look forward to.

I never lived with a future because I was always trying to "hang on" and this is a novel experience.

I have a different relationship to the past as well where I'm not obsessing with the "why", who, what or "how" that has always driven me to distraction. I have let go of the past trying to find what was lost because I have found my identity as a transsexual.

It gnaws at your brain constantly as the mind tries to make what is wrong "right" while also trying to understand what is wrong.

It is so important to see yourself clearly as a transsexual who transitions to a woman to recapture that identity that was stripped from you in childhood.

The naming of the experience is one important step to healing the fracture but you have to do the work to earn the right to the word otherwise you risk the danger of going into an identity that is not really yours to have.

[groove67]

yes kelly ithink you have nailed it aw weall feel the torment we haqve gone through knowing we where born in the wrong body and what a really tough time that is for many us many many years.

[Anne2345]

Like you, Lea, I also still suffer from the occasional "Anne2345" day or two here and there (that's one crazy chick, btw. I would really hate to be her. I'm just sayin'.).

Also like you, and quite thankfully so, I am much more stable psychologically than I have been in a long, long time.

In fact, as you have also written, I even actually feel good these days. Sometimes even fantastic. And I have had my fair share of happy moments that previously did not exist.

In all, I would consider it an improvement. A big improvement, actually. But not an improvement that will allow me to maintain my current status quo.

I still obsess about the issues. The thoughts are always there. Seeing women out in the wild and desperately wanted to be them, and knowing that I should be among them as they are to the world cuts deeply. It still hurts, despite the improvements, and it hurts bad.

I do, however, think that my current state of mind has much to do with the plans and attendant timeframes I have made as I progress forward. I am no longer floundering about in the unknown, and without direction. I feel really good about the decisions I have made to date, and those things that I shall do in the future.

I know such things will be hard, but the necessity of doing these things is becoming increasingly clearer and easier to do.

Perhaps this is the eye of the hurricane for us both. We have written about this in the past.

Is there a "good enough?" Some here would say so, and we know who those are, and what they have done. And what they did they had to do. Nothing short of that was "good enough," nor could it have been.

But don't get me wrong, though. I will take the "improvements" without hesitation. To be certain, they beat the hell out of where we both were.

Still, I have no hope that they will be "good enough." Just as I believe you have no hope yourself that you would be so lucky . . . .

[Angela Campbell]

That is kind of how I see it. I have made improvements and it makes me feel good. I am not yet happy enough to stay like this so I will continue to improve until I am satisfied. I do not know where that will be yet. I am relatively happy as long as I am making progress. It is too slow but that isn't something I can change.

[mary something]

"So what's good enough?"

for me it's hope, a plan of action, measurable progress, and knowing that I will undoubtedly complete my transition if I'm patient enough and do the small things every day. Although I don't have the marriage stress anymore, I've already turned that part of my life upside down and rearranged it to get the roadblocks out of the way. When I was still married I didn't really feel the complete ownership of myself that I feel now, ironically it hasn't sped up my transition but it has lowered my anxiety and depression tremendously. Knowing that it is my choice only has helped a lot. That's just me though.

[LeaP]

I also still suffer from the occasional "Anne2345" day or two here and there (that's one crazy chick, btw. I would really hate to be her. I'm just sayin'.).

Truly. She's completely and totally screwed, no doubt about it.

Still, I have no hope that they will be "good enough." Just as I believe you have no hope yourself that you would be so lucky . . . .

Well there's a happy thought!

Maybe it's how you look at it, but I see the non-transitioned state in two ways - either comfortable accommodation or raw survival. It's hard for me to see the latter as enough, never mind good. Thinking over the oft-given advice to assess yourself and to only transition if you have to, it just struck me that the whole notion of non-transitioned, good enough doesn't seem to be applicable to transsexuality. Not that everyone CAN transition, of course, but that's another topic.

[mary something]

I wasn't trying to dig or be unsupportive, but I can say it more clearly than I did

I think that people who are asking themselves "what is improved" and "what is good enough" still have more to do. We all start this path to escape from pain and confusion, you've made it to the point where you are happy sometimes, and that is wonderful! I would simply encourage you go towards happiness with the same amount of desire that you went away from pain.

For a long time my only motivation was to escape pain, but that taught me absolutely nothing about how to try and be happy.

You're still doing the same thing just for a different reason that is the flip side of the same coin though.

Just rememember that if you hear a part of your brain asking yourself to settle doesn't that mean in some way that it feels that you aren't entitled to be happy just not in pain?

I think it is a hallmark of being healthy to feel entitled to pursue happiness, don't let yourself waver or feel too much doubt because you have learned to be really good at living without happiness and in pain.

This is probably a common issue that a lot of transitioners deal with along the way, I know I do, thanks for bringing it up.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have always thought about things in terms of quality of life. there is no "magic" in living as a woman, and even the concept of living an "authentic" life has its limitations.

Transition guarantees NOTHING except that authenticity. Lots of people lead authentically low quality lives for all kinds of reasons both in and out of their control.
don't get me wrong, the idea of transition does give you a new lease on life, and opens up lots of doors for a productive life that leads to peace and happiness...happy happy joy joy!!!...in my own case, that door was opened because only in hindsight could I see that literally 100% of my inner dialog was about my gender...I lived a bifurcated life...work...kids...work...kids...parents... and literally every single free moment I was abuzz with my gender...I lived with it so long I was used to it... when I became mindful of it, I started to add to that buzz a feeling of being alone and trapped...and in turn I started to go to therapy and talk out loud about things I had only thought about before...

It would be optimal to "know" that you are woman and that you "know" transition will improve your quality of life... and even if you KNOWx10000000000 there are things that will occur outside of your control that will impact quality of life...the best laid plans kind of thing....Melissa has found out about that in her job...supportive wives realize a year or two into it that its not for them.....

In the case where there is questioning , and I was a bigtime self questioner, I made a decision that my quality of life was low enough (mostly because of how empty and trapped I felt) that I simply had to act. I had to take it on faith that transition would be a positive for me. By acting, that gut feeling was rewarded almost immediately.

sometimes you have to go with your gut...I do think lea that your op highlights something I would say and your response to it highlights the difficulty in saying the words vs action... sometimes you just have to be a good guesser.

[LeaP]

...
I think that people who are asking themselves "what is improved" and "what is good enough" still have more to do. We all start this path to escape from pain ...

Just rememember that if you hear a part of your brain asking yourself to settle doesn't that mean in some way that it feels that you aren't entitled to be happy just not in pain?

I think it is a hallmark of being healthy to feel entitled to pursue happiness, don't let yourself waver or feel too much doubt because you have learned to be really good at living without happiness and in pain.

This is probably a common issue that a lot of transitioners deal with along the way, I know I do, thanks for bringing it up.

These at good observations, I think. You bring up a lots of things that interrelate in interesting ways, particularly pursuing happiness vs avoiding pain, and entitlement. Interestingly, I DON'T feel entitled to happiness. I don't think I've thought explicitly in those terms before. Rather, I'd say that I've been chasing the minimum needed to make it. The idea of pursuing happiness in more open-ended fashion feels like giving myself more leeway (fun pun here) than I'm entitled, perverse as that sounds.

Which brings us to:

Transition guarantees NOTHING except ... authenticity. Lots of people lead authentically low quality lives for all kinds of reasons both in and out of their control.

...

I had to take it on faith that transition would be a positive for me. By acting, that gut feeling was rewarded almost immediately.

sometimes you have to go with your gut...I do think lea that your op highlights something I would say and your response to it highlights the difficulty in saying the words vs action... sometimes you just have to be a good guesser.

Faith. There it is again. I started HRT on that basis. A breath, then a step into the dark. (It was amazingly easy and light once I crossed the barrier, but I digress). But my final decision - or confirmation, really - came only after making the move. In this case, literally on the way to my doctor's appointment. And now I find myself again without visibility ahead.

I think I prefer the paradigm of faith over guesswork, though! Too much of the lottery in the latter, and you know how often you win those ...

Oh, and the concept in my OP should sound like something you would say. I copied it from your PM to me!

[Michelle.M]

I do think of myself as better off in many ways these days. I'm far more stable psychologically. I'm more present, and have moments of ... dare I say it ... actually happiness at times.

And this is an improvement, IMO. It may not be enough for some, but for me it was wonderful to have taken decisive steps toward living the real life I knew I had in me somewhere.

. . . But depression still creeps in.

And why wouldn't it? Life is tough, even when you don't view it through a transgender lens. We're not exempt from any sort of malady that afflicts the rest of the world. It's just that the issues we get depressed about may be unique to us.

So is THIS an improved quality of life? Frankly, on the whole, no.

I am sorry that it's worked out that way for you. I may be an anomaly (I rather doubt it), but still my quality of life has improved immeasurably.

Once I decided to admit what I had been denying about my gender identity, life improved.

Once I began therapy and was able to give words to it, life improved.

Once I began HRT (and even long before there were any physical changes), life improved because I knew I was moving forward. Body changes only made it better.

FFS, and people treated me more like a woman (yes, I know - seems superficial, but it really did work like that for me), and I definitely experienced an improved quality of life.

RLE, finally living my real life, and life improved.

And losing friends and family members? Actually, an improvement. I now know who I can count on and who thinks I am worth less than their own dearly held prejudices. And those who rose to the occasion and supported me are even closer to me than ever.

So what's good enough? Or is the concept itself completely screwy? Maybe the idea is inapplicable to TSs?

Nope, totally applicable. But we often get too preoccupied with the mechanics of transition (ie: get this treatment, that surgery, do this thing) that we forget that the real work of making a new life happens on the inside. In my case, "good enough" was my starting point. I kept my expectations realistic and have never been disappointed, and life continues to amaze me way beyond what I expected.

[mary something]

"Interestingly, I DONT feel entitled to happiness. I don't think I've thought explicitly in those terms before"

That's because you're transsexual baby! I guarantee you that most cisgenders I know unless they are having sexual orientation issues DO feel entitled to pursue their own happiness. And they expect you to be the same way. And that is an important thing to consider because this feeling we have affects so many of our choices not just the really big one.

If someone tells themselves their entire life that they are not entitled to pursue happiness it bleeds over into all of their thinking at least a little bit.

The idea seems really foreign and unusual at first lol, at least it did for me.

We start this journey to escape pain and numbness, but somewhere along the way we have to find a new motivation or else we can get stuck once we have reached slightly above our pain threshold.

[LeaP]

Michelle - not improved enough to stop here is what I was trying to convey. And not improved overall, or on balance. Considering myself alone, yes. Considering myself in the larger context of marriage, work, family - not so much. There's also a guilt aspect of *wanting* more. Maybe that trips into Mary's happiness issue, i.e., that feeling things are not better is a justification of some sort, that pursuing happiness for itself is wrong somehow. I'm not sure.

[Angela Campbell]

Happiness? Hmmmm, OK. I can see improvements from the point I started doing something about this. I actually went out and met people. I now have friends....friends! I never had any before.

[Michelle.M]

. . . that feeling things are not better is a justification of some sort, that pursuing happiness for itself is wrong somehow. I'm not sure.

But isn't the pursuit of happiness one of our "certain inalienable rights" to which we are "endowed by our Creator"? How can this be wrong?

Interestingly, I DOMT feel entitled to happiness. I don't think I've thought explicitly in those terms before.

Why pursue it if it's unattainable?

There's also a guilt aspect of *wanting* more.

This is do not understand. Why does wanting more, something better, or in my case (maybe yours as well) simply wanting to live a whole and satisfying life have to make one feel guilty? Wanting more in this sense sounds like a pretty decent aspiration to me.

[stefan37]

There is nothing wrong with wanting happiness for one self. Seeking happiness should not induce feelings of guilt. I know easier said then done. Nobody else can give you that happiness if you are distressed internally. Only by releasing your inner self and relieving your distress can you even begin to experience happiness. Transition by its very nature can be considered by others to be a selfish act. But the reality is nobody else will do it for us. Transition is something we do for ourselves and nobody else. If you are able to mitigate your GD and exist on some level that is great. I know for me the longer I travel this road the farther I want to travel. There have been real losses along the way. As painful as they have been, it has also been liberating in a sense. i am no longer trying to please others and if they are uncomfortable with my progress that is on them. I am feeling so much better and it is a weird phenomena but I am feeling freer to let my inner self loose.

In the end will we achieve happiness who knows. For myself at this time happiness is elusive. I am feeling much more comfortable but that comfortableness comes at a great cost. It comes with great sadness and mental pain as I think about the good times and the times my wife truly seemed happy. She has her good days and we get along good, but many times there is a sadness in her eyes as she realizes her future will be nothing what she envisioned and it all fell apart in a very short period of time.

There is a saying I read someplace and I put it in front of my computer so i see it every minute I am on "If you feel trapped with your feelings and what people feel is right always go for what makes you happy, unless you want everybody to be happy except you". I think that is a powerful statement about what we do in life to make those close to us comfortable and try to give them happiness at our own expense. YMMV but for me what I am doing is right and I will continue to achieve congruence and integration.

[LeaP]

But isn't the pursuit of happiness one of our "certain inalienable rights" to which we are "endowed by our Creator"? How can this be wrong?

...Why pursue it if it's unattainable?

...Why does wanting more, something better, or in my case (maybe yours as well) simply wanting to live a whole and satisfying life have to make one feel guilty? .

Michelle, you sound blessedly free of conflicts!

There's nothing wrong with pursuing happiness. The guilt comes from accepting others' opinions of the means.

Happiness (in the large sense, meaning a happy, fulfilling life - as opposed to random moments) may be obtainable. I'm really not sure about that as I've never tried. It never occurred to me TO try. So what leads me on? Change. Isolated instances and areas of improvement. To some extent it's me asserting myself, as myself, for the first time. Good, bad, or indifferent. You know that comes with the charge of selfishness or inflicting pain on others at times, another source of guilt that I tend to internalize.

[stefan37]

Lea, the guilt you feel and internalize is that is what which you have to overcome. People have to be responsible for their happiness and you have to take responsibility for your own happiness. It is not easy and I completely understand. And there is no guarantee that you acquiescing to make others happy will make them happy. Take ownership of your life and if they want to join and walk with you great. If not then you walk along if your pursuit of comfort is more important. there are no easy answers just hard, tough, difficult choices, but choices we need to make. It all depends on how much discomfort you can manage.

[Michelle.M]

Michelle, you sound blessedly free of conflicts!

And it only took me half a century to get that way!

There's nothing wrong with pursuing happiness. The guilt comes from accepting others' opinions of the means.

In my world that generally doesn't matter. Oh, there are a few whose opinions matter and my valuing their opinions is rewarded by their support of me, and I support them just as much. But I can't please the implacable, so I keep my mental health intact by not trying to do that impossible task.

[Donna Joanne]

Just truly beginning my transition, I really don't have the plethora of experiences you ladies have to draw from, but I can say the only real "improvement" I have had in my life is my outlook on it. I see a future for me, Donna, and am no longer looking at how the world perceives me as the source of my happiness, but how I perceive me as the true benchmark to my happiness. And with this change of perception has come so many useful and beneficial side effects!

Just a side note, it is so comforting to see that I am not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. This group has and continues to remind me "I'm not the only one." It's like an electronic Group Therapy session sometimes.