The fantasy girl is your enemy

[Nicole Erin]

I think most people have this "ideal" image of what they want to be. That is why so many younger people think they will be models or movie stars or whatever. I used to have a stupid dream at one point and it wasn't until age 21 that I realized it just wasn't going to happen. The real world eventually comes along and crushes dreams for all except the luckiest few.

It is true that any given TG will try to make themselves into their "ideal" as much as they can within real boundaries.
Then you find out it is a lot of work and acting. So you learn to do the best you can with what you have.

For me, I never really had an "ideal" woman I would like to be. What I have isn't much but unlike too many TG, I learned to accept it and make the best of it. If you cannot be happy with what you have then having more whatever is not going to cure the problem.
Basically, once "there" becomes "here", you will simply seek out another "there" to obsess about.

[Beth-Lock]

My fantasies were not quite that extravagant, but were more concretely of the CD type.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Oh dear'e dear'e me no fantisy here never was i know how i looked at age ten & did not like it then & now no damm different. if you put me in with the Russian's the older ones I fit in to a tee. the working class yes & drop me down to Prussia id be at home , theres nothing girl'e about this woman im a builder used to hard work. i know my place.

as to elegant yea right,give me a break well yes i dress in our period wear = clothes of 1900 to 14. i dont fool any one ,,my clothes are just plain because id look stupid in frilly wear. i could have the best looking clothes & feel absoutlly out of place. im not a dreamer i face how i look square on , nothing about my looks say female or woman. never will ether. wonder why i dont hang out with dresser's you know why. id be so embarrised, hey iv tryed did not feel one bit of the group.

as for my expections im female born plus a bit xtra a bit weird grown into a woman no wimp hard working, grubby hands , sure no nail pol , makeup what for to cover my lovely olive skin, dress sence is pretty good & make my own clothes. nice & simple.if you meet me youll wonder what the hell have you struck here..

You wont ....REAL LIFE ....i live it every day dont mess with me......as for fantisy = no idear.

...noeleena...

[Ann Louise]

I am fortunate to work in a well mixed gender environment, where in fact most of our higher level management are women - strong confident women. In this environment it's readily apparent that there is a distinct difference between a typical, modern woman and the childhood fantasies one might have about just what a "girl" is.

The women I work with are distinctly feminine, yet bear little psychological resemblance to our contemporary culture's stereotypical portrayal of them.

[mary something]

I think to some degree it is only normal to have some type of stereotype in our heads at first to aspire to. Teenage girls seem to do this type of thing also when they experiment with different types of looks and behaviors while searching for their adult identity. They have the luxury of having a period of years without very many adult responsibilities to grow into themselves, while we have to do this at a stage of our lives when it isn't quite as easy.

I think it is very important for someone who feels strongly enough about their female identity to transition gender and social roles to avoid this trap that you are speaking of. Wouldn't that be kinda like trading one persona that is ill fitting for another?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'm not talking about crossdressing, or even goals and desires... I had goals and desires

And its totally normal to fantasize..

and to be honest I was touching a bit on appearance (And most everybody went there), but much more focused on the internal and emotional aspects of completing transition vs what its like to be thinking about transition 24/7 in your head
and I read over and over about all the anxiety people have about whether they will be good enough, or feel good enough about themselves as women, and i'm just pointing out that there is a good chance you've set a very high bar for yourself for what it is to
"be a woman"

you can't become a her, you can only become a you...its not a criticism of how anyone motivated themselves, its just an observation

[stefan37]

I can relate you what your are talking about internally. I seem to be smack dead in the middle right now and in many ways it sucks, but there is a progression. I have thought about some things , but with the dissolution of my marriage and the fact I am not expending energy to keep it together, I have found that I have a different mindset. I find my mind is in a different place and it is hard to explain or put into words. It seems like my thoughts are clearer on my direction and the steps I need to take to reach that goal. I actually feel more comfortable showing the world my true self. I am practicing, training and using my voice as much daily. I find it easier if I do not switch back and forth. I and switching back and forth much less. I feel much more comfortable with myself.
People have picked up and have asked why do I seem so positive and what is my secret. They really want to know when I tell them I am alcohol free, watch my weight and swim 3 times a week. There is no fantasy. This is my life and will be in the foreseeable future. I have to get up daily, run my business and perform all the tasks anybody would need to survive. Only difference is since I am making solid progress towards letting my inner soul free I am feeling very comfortable. My goal is at some point in the near future integrate fully so that my gd is gone completely. It is much better today than it was a year ago by a long shot. I am finding it difficult to put the words together how my feelings have changed in the last month. It is an internal feeling very similar what i was feeling after my 2nd therapy session. It was as if I turned on a light switch and just like allowing the electrons to flow to produce light, My neurons were released and allowed my mind to become clear about what I needed to do. I think those that have gone through this phase will understand what I am describing.

I plan to apply for legal name change in the next week. It is an exciting time, but also a scary time as it is anther concrete step toward my pursuit of wholeness. I expect to be presented with an entirely new set of challenges many I have not even thought of. I will have no choice but to confront those challenges head on and bring them to resolution. I can make no excuses. I have made my choices and I have to continue to own them and take responsibility for whatever outcome transpires.

[mary something]

i'm just pointing out that there is a good chance you've set a very high bar for yourself for what it is to, "be a woman"

you can't become a her, you can only become a you...

I didn't find anything critical in your comments and observations, only a lot of wisdom and perspective that I try to learn from

I agree with your message wholeheartedly! In my head I aspire to be all composed, sophisticated, and glamorous, like a modern day Princess Di. The reality is that I'm more of a Bridget Jones probably, and it's ok to just be "you" and who you really are.

[Kathryn Martin]

you can't become a her, you can only become a you...its not a criticism of how anyone motivated themselves, its just an observation

This thread is really interesting. I completely agree with what you are saying, Kaitelyn. I always felt that Helen Mirren and Judy Dench presented themselves in ways that I wanted to aspire to. But who I am as a person that is what I really wanted to be. I knew for far too long who I was and to give myself the space in which I could unveil the I am was my real core of transition. That I am elegant, poised, a good conversationalist and downright gorgeous is simply a by-product of being me.

Fantasy women suck, as every 12-89 year old woman will tell you.