Self-Confidence/Body Dysphoria Issues

[EmilyMI]

I have been in transition for three plus years. Currently I am doing electrolysis, working on my voice and seriously researching my FFS options. Lately though I feel that I am stagnant with my transition, and I look at my self and just do not see any/very little changes from HRT with my transition so far and I am still not full-time yet.

Here is a main reason why: When I am out in public, as my male self, I do not get called Ma'am even by mistake when either at the coffee shop, grocery store or even at my evening classes. Of course this does not help with my self confidence and makes me not want to go out in public as Emily, and in return it discourages me even more. I am on taking some school time off next semester to concentrate more on my transition but any advice on what else I can do to help me get past this?

[Angela Campbell]

I wouldn't expect to be called maam when dressed and presenting as a male. What happens when you present as female?

[KellyJameson]

When you are in public most of the people you interact with will be in a service capacity such as food servers or retail sales.

Their employment is tied to their customer service skills.

For you to say "as my male self" I assume you have an androgynous look ?

I lived that way through my teens and twenties and peoples gender labeling of me swung wildly between male and female and only breast growth has changed this

I never had patience with breast forms and padding plus using them would just depress me anyway.

The public is under pressure not to make a mistake in gender labels because it is bad for business, socially embarrassing and of course you worry about offending or hurting another.

I once made a mistake of labelling a ten year old girl as a boy and I was mortified because I'm particularly sensitive to this topic.

If you are walking that line between physically appearing as either or sex than mistakes will be common unless you incorporate strong visual cues that pushes the persons subconscious in one direction or the other.

Sirs and Ma'am are largely automatic and made almost instantaneously because our brains have an innate ability to pick up on physical differences between the biological sexes.

Many of my past social interactions were slowed down and confused because I had so many divergent and contradictory physical markers and I suspect this will happen to you the farther you go with transition.

I was always a girl to children but most adults would see me as a very feminine looking male. It did not seem to bother women to much and some liked it but it sure did annoy a lot of men.

It is one reason I withdrew from public life as much as possible. I found interaction with people exhausting.

I would try not to be hurt by this because it does not lessen who you are.

There was a girl that was on this forum in the past whose attitude was that your face is your calling card. I agree with this thinking because so much about the face is how we are known, so labeled.

It is an unfortunate truth that our gender is known to others based on how we look to them but remember that others do not know your gender, only you do.

[EmilyMI]

I wouldn't expect to be called maam when dressed and presenting as a male. What happens when you present as female?

I have not really presented myself in public yet as Emily because I just do not have the confidence to do that yet. I am very hard on myself most of the time and I know that I should not be but I can't help what I see when I look at myself in the mirror. Most of my friends who know about me say that I can pass as a female in public but honestly I just don't see it.

Here are some pics of me as Emily, not very recent but it will give an idea on what I am like. Any critiques/recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
http://imgur.com/a/z4dh7

http://imgur.com/a/7Vx6m

[Kaitlyn Michele]

FFS will help you a lot. your pictures look great
You have ALOT to work with..

Three years is a long time to live as a man and be transitioning at the same time (of course some have gone longer)...if you don't present as a woman outside you aren't really transitioning except inside your own head..

You have two options
...transition now, what is stopping you? Are you waiting for everything to be perfect??? If so, the cost is what you are going through right now...it can be lousy...

if you are not able to transition then it will serve you well to reduce worrying about an unknowable future, stop calling what you are doing transition in your mind
...you are living as man, i'm not sure why you expect or wish to be gendered as female while presenting as a man other than having hurt feelings..

I posted a thread about the fantasy woman...this is what I was talking about ...the only one holding you back is you...the only one worrying about how you are gendered is you....the only person that can set the bar on your life is you..

[sandra-leigh]

I can tell you exactly which day in the last year that I got called "Ma'm" twice on the same day. The previous record was twice in one month. And I am further "out" than you are.

Being misgendered is frustrating to hurting. None the less, if you are not prepared to say "I am going to do this anyways!" then you perhaps need more ground-work.

The first time I went out in public was 3 weeks after I first realized that I wanted to go out in public. I went to the second largest mall in the city, and changed in the family washroom, and walked around. I metaphorically "jumped into the cold water" instead of trying to ease into it. On the other hand, by then I had already decided I was going to do it even if I got laughed at.

[Rianna Humble]

This thread is in the right place because it is discussing the effect of lacking self-confidence on the progress of the OP's transition.

Please ensure that you address the issues. Any post calling into question the original poster's right to call herself TS or to post in this forum will result in moderation and/or deletion.

Rianna Humble
Moderator, Transsexual Forums and Safe Haven

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm not sure if my post was on the edge Rianna.. certainly no intent to judge

the point of my statement was that as of right now, as a matter of day to day life, the way to get gendered as a woman is to present as a woman at least sometimes, and to expect differently is fodder for disappointment..

living inside your head is not going to get you correctly gendered even if by accident

get out there girl...that's the answer...

[Rianna Humble]

There was nothing wrong with your post, Kaitlyn, my remarks were to forestall problems. Your post addressed the issues rather than questioning why the OP was posting here.

[Donna Joanne]

Emily,
If I may make a suggestion. Try going out in public in a t shirt, shorts and flip flops. No makeup, maybe your hair pulled back, and that fantastic smile you have. If you don't get at least one ma'am or even better miss, the people where you are are either blind, brain dead, or both! You look as natural as any woman, because you are! Hang in there sister.

[arbon]

Here are some pics of me as Emily, not very recent but it will give an idea on what I am like. Any critiques/recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

I don't have any critique for, you look very nice and have a lot going for you. I think your friends are probably right.

What Kaitlyn said is great advice - get out there girl and stop pretending to be a guy.

[mary something]

you look really good! The eyebrows are the part of the face that is most easily changed to look more female or male. Have you experimented with different shapes and maybe had them done in a salon?
I think it makes my eyes appear bigger when using eye liner to only shade the outer 2/3rds of the bottom of the eye, try it sometime and see what you think.

You have a wonderful smile, you're really trim and fit (I love that sweater on you!), and I think you look awesome!

Is your male voice much deeper than your female voice?

[Sheila11]

I have not really presented myself in public yet as Emily because I just do not have the confidence to do that yet.


Girl it is time to get out there. I looked at your pics and I am envious.

I am a crossdresser who is far from passable and I go out en femme to shop or eat on a regular basis. Get a little help and practice with some make up, (you look so good you don't need much) wear what the other girls are wearing and go out. Start with women's stores because women are very accepting, and go to off brand fast food places in the middle of the afternoon when no one is there. If you have a friend that has offered to go with you, accept their invite. Drive to a large town an hour away cause no one knows you or cares. Just take a big breath, put on your big girl panties, and relax and enjoy yourself.

There will still be some days when things just do not feel right or look right. I have those days even in guy mode. Remember there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow the sun will come out and you will be beautiful.

[EmilyMI]

you look really good! The eyebrows are the part of the face that is most easily changed to look more female or male. Have you experimented with different shapes and maybe had them done in a salon?
I think it makes my eyes appear bigger when using eye liner to only shade the outer 2/3rds of the bottom of the eye, try it sometime and see what you think.

You have a wonderful smile, you're really trim and fit (I love that sweater on you!), and I think you look awesome!

Is your male voice much deeper than your female voice?

I am actually, hopefully very good, going to a hair stylist who does do a lot of work with the transgendered community in my area that is suppose to be AMAZING with helping find the right hair style for that person. With that I was going to see what she recommends I do with my eyebrows as well since I know that my brows is still pretty masculine. She also helps with makeup as well which I need a lot of help with still; whenever I try makeup I look like a drag queen on bath salt LOL

My normal voice is sitll pretty masculine unfortunately but here is a link to what my feminine voice sounds like. I know I still need a lot of work and I do on plan on going back to my speech therapist here soon to help with the areas that I need help with.

Link:
https://soundcloud.com/emilymi/voice-session-10-12-2012

I have not really presented myself in public yet as Emily because I just do not have the confidence to do that yet.


Girl it is time to get out there. I looked at your pics and I am envious.

I am a crossdresser who is far from passable and I go out en femme to shop or eat on a regular basis. Get a little help and practice with some make up, (you look so good you don't need much) wear what the other girls are wearing and go out. Start with women's stores because women are very accepting, and go to off brand fast food places in the middle of the afternoon when no one is there. If you have a friend that has offered to go with you, accept their invite. Drive to a large town an hour away cause no one knows you or cares. Just take a big breath, put on your big girl panties, and relax and enjoy yourself.

There will still be some days when things just do not feel right or look right. I have those days even in guy mode. Remember there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow the sun will come out and you will be beautiful.

My biggest issue right now is my confidence. My first time out as Emily I had a very bad experience which at the end of the night I just went home and cried all night. I was very nervous when I was out, and I am guessing that I was just putting off a lot of negative energy which got me clocked. Ever since then I just have not gotten out again as Emily so I know that I need to work past this for me to progress.

Thank You not only for your very flattering compliments but also for the very good suggestions. I might do that with a friend and just have her go out with me to someplace far away where no one knows me and just embrace my femininity and don't stress so much. /Hugs

[arbon]

Looks are just a part of it, you cannot rely on that alone
How you carry yourself, how you move are a big part to
And how you interact with others

Confidence can go a long

You get all that with experience, by doing it

Bad nights like you had are learning experience but you can't let those times deter you if you are serious
It gets easier each time you go out

[Jorja]

I am not surprised at all by the lack of changes since starting HRT. For girls like us it is a complete crap shoot as to whether HRT will have the desired effect or not. That being said, from your pictures there does appear to be some changes being made. Keep at it. Time is your friend. The desired changes do not happen overnight. Two years may seem like a long time but we are all different and react to HRT differently.

As far as going out, you say you had a bad experience the first time. Sorry, that does and will happen. The thing is to keep going out. Make arrangements so that you will have good experiences. Join a support group/meetup group. This will build your confidence and it does get easier each and every time you go out. There is safety in numbers.

[TeresaL]

Just do it and don't look back. After about ten times, you won't give it a second thought.

Does anyone though, look back at people through window and mirror reflections to catch whether they are watching? Hate to admit it, but I have. Seems that Kohls has mirrors all over the women's area, making it hard not to use them. They must be necessary to keep shoplifting down. Maybe they are tranny mirrors.

Thing is, Emily. No one cares. So go out and enjoy. Go shopping enfemme. You will never go out in drab to buy clothes again. You will be a lot poorer next time you visit this site. We are expecting you will go out dressed tomorrow. Don't let us down now. LOL

FFS is something we all would probably like. Not that you need it. Just saying.

[EmilyMI]

I am not surprised at all by the lack of changes since starting HRT. For girls like us it is a complete crap shoot as to whether HRT will have the desired effect or not. That being said, from your pictures there does appear to be some changes being made. Keep at it. Time is your friend. The desired changes do not happen overnight. Two years may seem like a long time but we are all different and react to HRT differently.

As far as going out, you say you had a bad experience the first time. Sorry, that does and will happen. The thing is to keep going out. Make arrangements so that you will have good experiences. Join a support group/meetup group. This will build your confidence and it does get easier each and every time you go out. There is safety in numbers.

I know that for most there is no 'magic pill' that will have miraculous changes within a very short time; especially for starting out as late as I did in my life. Don't get me wrong there have been significant changes with my chest area, and some softening of the skin. Fat re-distribution is still lacking though and my facial features is still not where I would like to be right now from HRT. I know that HRT does not change bone structure and is where FFS will help me in those areas that I need help with. Just wanted/expected more of softening of the facial features is what is frustrating for me.

I do plan on going to a local TG support here very soon. A local TG friend of mine thinks it will greatly help me with getting out as myself and just getting the support that I need.

My electrologist recently refereed me to a local hair stylist that does work a lot with the trans community and thinks that she can help me greatly with my hair and to help find the first look/style for me; which in return will help me with my confidence. Right now I mostly keep my hair in a pony tail (length is mid-back) because I still am not out yet at work.

My biggest issue with my transition (or lack of) is myself and my fear of what others may think or say. Taking small steps like going out to local support groups or going shopping with friends in a store in a different city will help with making those small steps into huge leaps in my progression.

[mary something]

you have really nice thick brows which are great to work with, I'm including a link that might be helpful. Don't pluck very much from the top, take most from the bottom and don't go too thin.
http://www.elle.com/beauty/makeup-sk...g-tips#slide-1

I really enjoy reading cosmo and a couple other mags like it to keep up with current styles with hair and clothes.

With makeup less is more, I have brow ridge that I want to minimize also and you can learn a lot from some of the crossdressers on youtube who give makeup tips. I can do my makeup in about 20 minutes even though I have to shave first cause I'm still working on hair removal. How you apply your makeup in the eye and cheek area can contour those areas and make a big difference. You need to have a daytime makeup routine and a different one for nighttime, most women will use their makeup differently depending on where they are going and when. practice, practice, practice.

The key to passing for me is to simply be a woman, if someone gives you a look just look back at them with a pleasant smile and then go about your business like you couldn't fathom what it is they are thinking.

Smile a lot and practice slightly arching your eyebrows to give a feminine shape and open up your eyes but without causing wrinkles on your forehead. I have a teenage daughter and she has literally taken hundreds or thousands of pics of herself doing this to learn how to hold her face just right, it's what girls do.

Get back out there cause you look really good! If you're feeling less confident bring those sunglasses with you cause they look really good on you and are very feminizing also.

[EmilyMI]

Thanks for the link, this helps a lot with ideas on what I can do with my eye brows.

I have looked at different videos from YouTube for makeup help. Some has helped but actually going to a cosmetics section of a mall like in Macy's and get makeover and get some first hand tips on what works for me is really my best bet. I am also going to a hair stylist here soon that caters a lot to the transgendered community, so I am excited to see what she can do for my hair. I am also working on my hair removal right now which helps but I still need to shave every now and then which I hate.

I know that a key to passing successfully is just having confidence with yourself, which is something that I am trying to work on more and more but it is very difficult on some days.

A post-op friend of mine suggested that I go out with my glasses starting out, she did the same when she first started to transition and for the most part she had no problems. I will probably start doing this more and more as well so I can start taking those little steps that I need to get me moving in the right direction.

[Nicole Erin]

A lot of GG's get called "Sir" if they are presenting like dudes, so don't feel like you are alone or cursed. Remember that gender looks is a spectrum, only those on the extreme ends would never be mistaken for the other gender.

The main problem I see is you said you don't have the confidence to go out as "Emily" yet.
The only way you are going to build that confidence is to actually go out. Yes you will be nerve racked. Yes, there will be occasional stares, comments or idiots laughing. However, it is not going to happen nearly as much as you are imagining. The way to deal with that is to remember they are strangers and are not the type of people you would have in your life anyways.
The point is - the only way to get "past it" is getting your ass OUT there. Yes us Ts women do have to make sure we look good (not necessarily to the 9's but presentable as women). The first few times might wreck you but you have to pay some dues to build confidence.

I have been full time for a couple years. I do not "pass" perfect myself but I seldom have bad experiences and when I do, I learned to let it roll off. Confidence comes with time, it took me a couple years to be "mostly" comfy. Even now rude comments tend to agitate my nerves on bad days.

Voice - To me, the voice sounds like you are trying to restrict the top part more than the lower 1/2 of the voice. It isn't bad, I just don't think you have quite found "the" spot. Congrats on working on it, some TS women don't even bother and it is a shame. Also even once your voice is spot on, you might not like it. No one likes their own voice. Except this guy I work with, oh Christ he NEVER shuts up once he gets going.

FFS - You could probably get by without it. Your face is not real masculine. Sure it would help anyone but yours looks good, maybe just adopt a hairstyle to hide the forehead a bit more.

Fashion - Not real sure how I feel about those two outfits you have there. I mean they don't scream "tranny" or anything but more like "soccer mom" with that sweater and green pants. Ehh fashion is an aside category.

[EmilyMI]

A TG friend of mine knows someone at the cosmetics area at Macy's and she is going to see if she can get me in for some help with makeup since that is kind of problematic for me. I 1000% agree that my own fears/paranoia and wondering whats others may think or say to me is holding me back. Granted that I did have a bad experience when I was first out as Emily but I cannot let that one incident prevent me from being my own self and finding the happiness that I deserve. I know that even some of the most gorgeous TS girls at one time or another gets 'clocked' so I am not going to pretend that this will never happen again since chances are that it will. My goal through out my transition is to live my life in stealth which honestly I do not know how realistic that is but it will never happen if I don't start getting out as Emily a hell of a lot more then what I am doing now.

Not sure what you meant by saying "the voice sounds like you are trying to restrict the top part more than the lower 1/2 of the voice"? Do you mean my pitch or tone? My friends say that I need to work also with my infection which will help me to sound more feminine sounding as well.

I am still trying to find what works for me in the fashion area, I do read different fashion magazines like Instyle and so fourth to get some ideas, but it is hard to find the style that works for me. I was trying to go more for a 'hippie chic' type of look with taht sweater I had but I guess I missed that look? LOL

[mary something]

You'd be amazed what hair and makeup can do for presentation. The trick to the makeup is to use as little as possible of course, and try to match you tones as closely as possible. Do you use bb cream? If not you should try some, it has a very light foundation in it but leaves a good finish and also has spf in it for your skin. You can match the tone to your inner wrist at the store provided it is about the same shade as your face. Experiment with different brands to see which formula leaves the best finish on your skin. Always wash it off at night with a gentle skin cleanser like cetaphil, then follow with a moisturizer (I like ponds).

You might want to try dark or medium brown eyeliner, it won't contrast with your skin tone as much and give a little more natural look. Brand doesn't matter as much, although avoid the cheapo liners, they are too hard to apply easily. Find something that is softer and applies easily so you can get the ridge of your lid with it. If you use blush find a shade that is very natural and close to your tone and you can use just a little bit of it to contour your cheeks.

go to a salon and get your hair done. I can't tell exactly how long it is but you can always get some extensions if you wish for fullness or length. You would be amazed at the difference the right hair style makes. You might want to consider a little bounce or curls to get some more body. Check out Jennifer@home's recent thread where she got a new hair style, she looks great and it is a change that only takes 1 day!

Dark smoky eyes are great for going out at night but during the day I like to use tones that are closer to my own skin tone and stay in the bronze range, but not shiny or metallic and applied very lightly for a subtle effect.

As far as clothing and styles just use the advice that you'll commonly find in fashion mags that will describe how to find the clothes that flatter your body type, here is a link I read over that seems to be giving good advice. I think boot cut jeans would look good on you
http://youlookfab.com/2010/05/20/how...ody-type-2010/

I really think you're gonna look great! I can't wait to see some after pics!

to boost your self confidence look at this link here lol

https://www.google.com/search?q=star...w=1517&bih=714

[Kimberly Kael]

There's no substitute for practical experience presenting in your preferred fashion. In my own transition I recognized that I had gotten very good at my male presentation solely because it was something I did for most of 40 years. It looked natural because it was well rehearsed, even though to me it felt like an act. My feminine presentation was just the opposite. It felt natural to me but looked to others like a bit of an act, simply because I hadn't had time to build a new set of habits and skills.

People use a lot of different cues to determine gender. Posture. Height. Hair length and style. Skin texture and discoloration patterns (beard shadow in particular.) Movements. Makeup. Vocal pitch, inflection, and tone. Interaction style. Even who you're with! My wife occasionally gets sirred when she's with me, just because we're obviously a couple and people make snap decisions without paying a lot of attention. It just takes time, practice, and some helpful outside observers to get enough of it to the point where it's relatively unconscious. I did find that the skills I'd build up during a week en femme at a TG/CD getaway would deteriorate again when I didn't use them. The transitional period is awkward, whether you're either presenting female without all the social cues or you're presenting male but integrating feminine cues.

Eventually it starts to come together and things get easier.

[TeresaL]

Do some people watching at a great enough distance where faces and hair become unrecognizable, like when an event lets out and pedestrians are crossing a street several blocks away. Can you discern male from female? If so, then can you fix it so that male gender is not visible for you?

Try making video clips of of yourself walking both towards and away from the lens. Check your shoulder width to hip ratio also. If your hips are narrow, and shoulders are wide, purchase some hip padding that looks natural. Veronica II are fairly good. Yet those things can look fake also. HRT can sometimes change the male body enough to compensate.

Some of us who went through denial and hiding, got into weight lifting and erected a macho facade before we gave up and accepted our true gender. It's possible though to reverse the V-shape. Some amazing changes have been made, looking no further than some of the members on this site.

EDIT: IMO, you are a lot closer than you think. Try RLE for as long as you can muster. Live enfemme in every facet of your life, and for cryin' out loud -- get out there hon!