My state of progress

[Maria D]

Hi

I just thought I'd post a little about myself, since I haven't thus far, so you can see where I'm coming from when I post. If you find this boring, I don't blame you; I recommend reading the labels on near items of clothing as an interest substitute

I'll skip all the boring childhood stuff, and proceed to the living on my own phase at 21.
I felt very guilty about my feelings, and tried to supress them. Once online, I was amazed to find I wasn't the only one, but still, I never left my flat in anything other than very male clothes. At one point, I bought premarin online, but only got 3 months worth, and couldn't get more. The guilt and internal fight got so bad that when I was 25 and my work contract ran out, I stopped leaving my flat and let my food run out, intending to just go to sleep and die, since I didn't have the strength to kill myself. Punch walls until I could see my knuckles, but not kill myself.
My best friend, living hundreds of miles away, sensed trouble and ordered a load of food from Tesco which just arrived on my doorstep. It moved me deeply, and really helped, but still seemed hollow. See, to me in my twisted head, noone COULD love me, since they didn't really know me and my feminine side; they only loved the mask of man I wore so well.
Within a week of that, I met a woman online by accident, and she took my breathe away. I did the usual thing and hid my true self, and came to visit her in Leeds (very north to a southerner like me). I intended to stay the weekend but didn't actually go home except to empty my flat. She was amazing, but I didn't tell her about me until a month or so later. She dressed me up because she loves Rocky Horror, as she has dressed numerous people, like her Dad. I welled up and confessed the truth. She didn't mention it again for a month, a terrible time when I didn't really know what was going on. She brought it up suddenly a month later, after researching it online, and saying that she loved me so much she just wanted me to be happy. She wasn't a lesbian, and likely wouldn't 'fancy' me, but would do her best to help me be what I needed to be. She only asked that I involve her and don't cut her out (hence my name is her middle name).
I saw a private gender specialist in January (since the NHS is a pile of s**t), and was prescribed ovysmen (3x35micro) and finasteride (half a tab a day), and my GP agreed to shared care (cheap pills), and to test my blood regularly.
I also started the wonderful process of having my face flayed off with a pain stick (guarenteed worst pain in your life or your money back™) also known as IPL, which, though it takes months or more to complete, is really helping. Just my top lip is still annoyingly dark.
In April, my fiancee changed her mind about sperm storage, so we trundled off to hospital where I found I was completely sterile. Their advice was to stop the hormones for 3 months and try again, and I MUST see a therapist (since stopping transition is known to be traumatic). It was, too, I felt desolate, like all my hopes were snatched away. Of course, it was only 3 months, but still...
Anyway, we went back and I was fertile again, so over the next month I stored loads of sticks of sperm, before resuming hormones in October.
At last, finally, after so many years, it's happening. I came out to my friends and so far, they have been fantastic. A few months ago my fiancee told her parents.
You probably heard the explosion. They think I should just simply 'not do it', and that she's not helping me by letting me do it. They also think that I tricked her by letting her fall for me, and given the chance her Dad would probably beat me with a stick too.
In the months since being told, they've been fairly cold, while blaming my fiancee for not being in touch. This, btw, is my ill fiancee who needs a wheelchair a lot, and is prescribed morphine for the pain she's in. Sometimes I can't help thinking it's my fault and that she doesn't deserve this...
The best bit, for me, is that her parents are devout catholics. You know, the church that claims to represent what God wants. The religion of goodness and caring. Yes, I'm sure I remember Jesus preaching hatred in the bible somewhere.

During the last couple of years, I've been going out as Maria more and more, gaining confidence, and recently I'm 'dressed' (hate the term) whenever possible, and when not possible, I'm very androgenous. My hair is long, my eyebrows are done, my ears are pierced, I wear generic female clothes, you get the idea.

I work in a lab making spectacles, there are 4 of us, and a couple of weeks ago, a girl stared at my chest and said 'Bloody hell *my hell name*, your manboobs are huge! Chris, come and look at this, quick!' (They are a full A now.)
I was caught off guard, went betroot red and turned away unable to speak. She was concerned she'd upset me and all I could say was 'just leave it'.
I realised that it was time, so asked her and Noel out to the pub. (Chris I'll explain in a sec.)
They were concerned, and once there, Noel said 'so what are we here for?'
I said 'Kell, you asked what I regretted in my life, well, not having this conversation years ago. You also asked if I hated myself and I said not to ask, this is why I do... how do you say it? I can't get the words right... gibber... erm... how do you say it?'
Silence for about ten years, and then I said 'I'm transgendered, I've always wanted to be a woman and telling you is a step towards becoming one.'
Then I stared at the table trying not to cry.
Kelly nodded sagely and said 'yeah, I thought so. I've been trying to drop hints for ages, since you said you shave your legs, that's when I twigged.' (About a year ago).
Noel said 'Really? I never noticed, but then I do have blinkers on. Can I just say that this changes NOTHING with our relationship. I don't want to offend you, but in a nice way, so what? It changes nothing, does it?'
Again with the nearly crying. After talking for a bit, they are very supportive, wanting to be with me when I tell everyone else at work (the other 40 downstairs), and also offering to go down south with me to tell my parents, which is my intention this Christmas. (Scared witless about that, my Mum's a bit funny about those who she sees as 'them'.) They are true friends, really good people and sadly too rare in this world. Chris is a bit more of a 'lad', and can be a bit, well, bigotted. Apparently though, since Kelly had guessed about me, she's been quietly priming him behind my back, once even asking him 'would it really matter if *my name* became a woman? He'd be the same person and you like him, right? So would it matter? Eh? Eh?' Quite how she inserted that into a conversation I'm not sure...
Telling him is next, after my family, anyway.
So that takes us to now. I'm hoping to be full time within 2 months, but that's not hard and fast. I still get guilty sometimes, and I still get scared sometimes, but I'm happier now. Hell, I'm HAPPY now. I'm not, and never ever will push people to transition, or not, but doing it is for me.
The spur for change, for actually getting professional help, was getting over my fear, and my word that's hard. I urge anyone suffering to get professional help, it IS the way forward. It can give you somewhere to go forward TO, whether you transition or not. It really does help, and there really isn't anything to be afraid of. It's not jumping off a cliff onto a spike, even if it does feel like it. It might even be the best thing you ever do

So that's my life. Thanks if you read it, and I don't blame you if you didn't.
I don't have any real answers, I'm very human, and pretty fragile too. I do try to help though, because I do care.

Take care

Maria
xxx

[Priss]

Hi Maria.

You know, that was one of the most helpful things anyone ever said to me... "You need professional help" It got me on the road to where Iam today.

However, if you think it's bad on the face, try the genitals... Depending on whom you see for surgery, they may require some down there... You can always tell when someone is really serious about having surgery, when they actually go see someone to have the hair removed down there.

[CaptLex]

Hi

I just thought I'd post a little about myself, since I haven't thus far, so you can see where I'm coming from when I post.

Thanks for sharing your story, Maria. Each story I read here helps me to feel less alone. Wish I had some advice, but I'm in the same boat you are. Hopefully, we will find the answers together.

Hugs,

Lex

[Rachel_740]

The spur for change, for actually getting professional help, was getting over my fear, and my word that's hard. I urge anyone suffering to get professional help, it IS the way forward. It can give you somewhere to go forward TO, whether you transition or not. It really does help, and there really isn't anything to be afraid of. It's not jumping off a cliff onto a spike, even if it does feel like it. It might even be the best thing you ever do

Maria,

Your so right in what you say here. I eventually found a therapist - more by chance that by looking, because I didn't have a clue where to look. She put me in touch with my psychiatrist in London and I had my first appointment with him. I transitioned last January, so I've been full time nearly a year now and it's the best thing I've ever done.

Telling the lads at work wasn't as bad as I expected - I had a series of meetings with them at shift-change times so I could tell my whle dept. personally - I felt it the only right and fair way to do it. The rest of the factory (except one person) had it communicated to them by management - that's a total of some 850 people!

The one individual I mention was taken to the personel dept. and told in person, by them. This was my ex .

Anyway, I've not looked back at all. I've had a few downs, but I've also had so many ups and I'm happier now than since I was a small child.

If it's right for you, go for it girl.

Anne

[Maria D]

Hi all

I went down to see my family over Christmas and, since I plan on transitioning soon, I decided I had to tell them about me.
After getting over my crippling fear and bottling out several times, I tried to tell my step-Dad on his own. I was tongue-tied, so he said
'Shall I make it easy for you? Are you still crossdressing?'
I was amazed, told him it was more than that, and explained about myself. He said he'd known since I was seven. I didn't know what to think really, and asked why he didn't say anything years ago. He said he was keeping my secret, and I'd say when I was ready, as I was now. I STILL don't know whether to be upset about that. I mean, what if he'd said before puberty? At least he respected my secret I suppose?
I told my Mum the next day, and I was really afraid, since she's quite bigotted. She was fantastic, hugging me, asking why I thought she'd hate me, asking lots of questions about it, and was really sad that I'd suffered all this time. She felt she'd let me down, which was really sad, and I had to explain all about why it was never her fault. She also said that, throughout my childhood I'd shown 'bits of femininity', but she never put it all together until I told her. We chatted until 5am about it, and I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful mum!
So it turns out, if I'd told someone years ago, I'd have been fully supported. Dammit, it feels like I've wasted my life . The only thing I care about in this 'timeline' is my fiancee, so I'm happy for that, but still...
The following day I told my sister, and she was quite shocked. She gave me a big hug, said she'd always love me as she loves the person, not the brother bit of it, and she was relieved I wasn't gay, since she 'couldn't accept that'. (She's bigotted too ). Later on, after considering it, she said
'so you're a girl... and you fancy girls... you're a lesbian then?' Well done my clever sis . She's fully supporting me though, and kept playing with my breasts, finding them 'cute'. We've always been an open family. She didn't want to look at my picture for a while though, she was scared. When she did, she said I was pretty but looked like her, so she felt sorry for me.
All in all, it was better than I dared hope for. I still have a family! It's really helped my confidence, the rest of the world doesn't matter, but they do, and they still care.

Just the rest of work to tell now, then I'm ready. It's either nearly over, or nearly beginning.

Take care
Maria
xxx

[Maria D]

Thanks for sharing your story, Maria. Each story I read here helps me to feel less alone. Wish I had some advice, but I'm in the same boat you are. Hopefully, we will find the answers together.

Hugs,

Lex

Thanks Lex, that's a lovely thing to say

I watched Pirates of the Carribean with my family at Christmas, and thought of you! Suddenly your sig made sense

Lets hope the boat we're in sails like the Black Pearl

Take care
Maria
xxx

[Maria D]

The one individual I mention was taken to the personel dept. and told in person, by them. This was my ex .

Anyway, I've not looked back at all. I've had a few downs, but I've also had so many ups and I'm happier now than since I was a small child.
Anne

Blimey, I bet your ex's reaction would have been interesting!

I'm glad you are happier now, that's all we can ask for (well, and maybe icecream) (chocolate, with cookie bits in) (and choc-chip chunks in it too), and I'm glad you made the right choices for you.

Take care
Maria
xxx

[Rachel_740]

Blimey, I bet your ex's reaction would have been interesting!

I'm glad you are happier now, that's all we can ask for (well, and maybe icecream) (chocolate, with cookie bits in) (and choc-chip chunks in it too), and I'm glad you made the right choices for you.

Take care
Maria
xxx

Lets say I'd have loved to have been that fly on the wall. To compound matters with her the name I've used for myself for years - which I have now adopted - is the same as her sisters . The personel manager said she wasn't happy (which is probably an understatement).

I'm glad it went so well for you with your family. At least they are there for a shoulder to cry on etc. and you're not alone .

Anne

[CaptLex]

Thanks Lex, that's a lovely thing to say

I watched Pirates of the Carribean with my family at Christmas, and thought of you! Suddenly your sig made sense

Lets hope the boat we're in sails like the Black Pearl

Take care
Maria
xxx

Hey, Maria:

Glad you saw my favorite movie - can't wait for the sequel's release in July.

I'm also glad you got to talk with your family and that they took things better than you expected. As you say, "the rest of the world doesn't matter." I had already come out to the two most important people in my life - my son and my best friend, and, as I expected, they were both very supportive. If no one else in my life takes it well, I won't be devastated, but it would be nice to live freely amongst friends, colleagues, family, etc. I'm now trying to decide who else, if anyone, I should tell.

Right before the new year I came out to an old friend (20+ years) who I had a falling out with earlier in the year. My best friend told me I had to talk with her, preferably before the new year, so I made a date to meet with her and try to patch things up. Once we did, I decided to tell her everything and she took it so much better than I expected. She also told me that her teenage son recently came out as gay, so she's had a lot to digest in a short time. In the end I asked her if she could still be friends with me as a guy and not a girl - especially a gay guy, and she said "absolutely". Time will truly tell, I suppose, but it's encouraging.

I'm with you - let's hope our lives eventually sail as smoothly as Capt. Jack's beautiful Black Pearl.

[Maria D]

Hi CaptLex, I hope things are going well with your friend, and that time is telling a nice story. I've always imagined New York to be quite cosmo. and groovy with these things, but I also see a lot of American posts saying how groovy England is, which isn't so true, so I'm probably wrong. I suppose people are people everywhere.

[Maria D]

I saw my new psychiatrist last week, who being FTM is empathetic to the TG condition. I was the last appointment and was 45 minutes late due to an accident on the motorway. He waited behind for me!
Very helpful, and he gave me lots of handouts like letters to the passport office, DVLC, my employer, and information on changing my name, and the doctor's letter I'll need, which I thought I'd have to pay for. He's also consulting my doctor with regard to speech therapy which, apparently, I don't need a GIC referral for.

Apart from work I'm full time now, and I'll be changing my name after I tell the store manager, this month some time.

I'm fairly happy with my appearance, it's just the darkness of my top lip now that's such a giveaway. It occurs to me that since it's SUCH a giveaway for MTFs, that info might be useful to FTMs...

My Mum is coming up to see me next month, she's still trying to get her head round it. I don't think she's upset, just very off-balance at the mo. Not suprising really. I think it's helped that when she told all her friends and work collegues, all the reactions were positive. Very suprising, and not what I expected at all. Where's the mob with flaming touches and sticks with nails in? I baked cookies for them and everything.

Funny really, this is both what I've always wanted, and what I spent most of my life denying. And it's here. I don't feel massively happy; rather, calm and peaceful.

Take care all
xxx

[Maria D]

Well, I came out to my store manager yesterday. She said 'That's not exactly a suprise to me' and laughed. I said I was taking hormones and was female everywhere except work, and she asked if I wanted to be at work. I said that was why we were having the conversation, and she said she thought it was more of a hobby for me. She, like everyone else, complained that I didn't choose a name beginning with G like my old name, and that she'd have to do another Christmas card list now!
She asked what sort of change to expect, will it be drastic etc. I said I wanted it to be as smooth as possible, and she laughed and said the lab isn't the place for heels and a skirt. I laughed and said I wasn't a **** anyway. I was wearing women's clothes anyway, and she didn't know, so point proved.
Then she said 'So, I'll tell the department heads during the day, and at the end of the day they'll tell all the staff that from Monday you are Maria, she and her, etc. I thought 'errrr, bit quick innit?' but then thought, why not? My own fear and worries about other people, that's why.
So I said 'Ok, that's fine' and gibbered a bit. I gave her my letter from the psych. and she said she'd talk to head office and payroll on Monday, and to give her the declaration as soon as I do it, and that was that.
I didn't stop shaking throughout, and I'm terrified of going in on Tuesday, but it's finally done. I'm gonna be a goldfish in a bowl, I can tell.

[CaptLex]

I've always imagined New York to be quite cosmo. and groovy with these things, but I also see a lot of American posts saying how groovy England is, which isn't so true, so I'm probably wrong. I suppose people are people everywhere.

Hey, Maria:

NYC is very tolerant compared to many other places here in the US, but I don't think there is any place in the world that is totally 100% free of ignorance and prejudice. Still, I do feel lucky to live here.

Thanks for the updates and I'm glad that things are progressing so well for you - including acceptance in the workplace, etc. It's a big step and I can't imagine how my co-workers would take it - but then people are constantly surprising me.

Next week I'll be going to see a therapist to discuss my gender issues and I hope this will help me decide whether or not I should transition. Some days I think it's the best choice, and then some days I hesitate. I think this may be because my hormones fluctuate so much.

Anyway, thanks for keeping us up-to-date and I wish you all the best.