still far to go

[arbon]

A friend invited me to her house warming, girls only, tonight. She had just moved here a few months ago and we met and became friends. My being trans not an issue with her or anything.

But there were 4 other women, they were all from out of town and spending the night at her house and I don't know any of them or what they know about me. I was the only local woman there. It was fine to a point - we had dinner, talked - casual stuff nothing serious, went for a nice evening walk along the river. It was all good.

But then they want to play a game. I've never been much of a game person, and well and I thought it would be a little more of a traditional game like pictionary or something innocent.

Then they said it is a game called cowgirl. You should stay and play and it will be fun. So I stayed. But the whole name of the game is called Cowgirl - The Trail of Truth - there were a lot of pretty intimate questions in this game and these women were into telling all, about sex, guys, relationships, everything. Its a little more like truth or dare - not so innocent. And their all hetrosexual women with husbands, boyfriends, or in divorce.

Because I did not know the other four women that came I was pretty guarded, not giving detailed answers like they all were and I was not a lot of fun.

My experience of being a woman, a late transitioning transsexual woman, is so different then their experiences as living as women there whole lives. I can't relate to a lot of what they are talking about because I have not shared most of the experiences they have. Likewise they are not going to get my experience as a transsexual with a difficult to explain sexuality or my experience with relationships. No way was I going to be open about details about me with four women I just met.

I felt really out of place and rather stupid. Some of it even hurt - like one of my questions was how many men have told me they love me. None. I really wish I had a good man that would tell me he loved me, its a dream but one that I am pretty sure I will never experience. So those types of questions would stir my feelings - it was all awkward for me and uncomfortable.

I feel very strong in my identity as a woman,
but I have not lived it. Or at least I have not for very long, not long enough to connect with other women at the level they were all connecting with each other tonight. I was/am still an outsider.

It was a good learning experience for me I guess, and gave me a lot to think about. brought my confidence in myself as a woman down a few notches. I've got a long ways to go.

[TeresaL]

Whew, that was an awkward scenario. You handled it the best you could though, and was able to finish without outing yourself.

Sans the promiscuity episodes, my spouse gives me reference to many things like that too, whenever she thinks I get too big for my panties. For openers, I've never had periods so bad that I had to have a hysterectomy. There are a lot of things that we haven't experienced. We, on the otherhand, are driven and tormented with an unsettled soul which is incongruent with our physical and mental gender. We seek a cure, and it can be medically tended to, of which we respond to in various degrees.

[kimdl93]

It's a silly game and you handles I as well as possible. It's still a step, a big step, to be included in that evening meant for women.

[Marleena]

Arbon I don't know how any transwoman in your position could prepare for that "game". I know I wouldn't have handled it as well. Just consider it part of the learning process and don't let it bother you too much.

[mary something]

You might feel that you still have far to go especially considering the evening you had. But don't forget that you were being totally accepted as a woman! In my experience women can be just as ribald or even more so than men when talking about sex because they usually are a lot more honest. Maybe they were just curious and wanted to help you feel comfortable by sharing with you details about them that their friends probably know. Unless you felt they were picking on you, which it didn't sound like that in the post, I think its more something to feel great about rather than worry over. Last night you did something that at one point you could only imagine you'd live vicariously in your dreams.
The uncomfortable part is not knowing how much to disclose. What are your feelings about this with this new group of friends?

This is just my feelings and I'm not guaranteeing anything lol. But I don't think they would have played cowgirl with you unless you were already accepted in the group. If they suspect your trans they are probably curious but not necessarily in a disrespectful way. This gives you a good opportunity to bond with them if you can find the commonalities between their experiences and yours

Don't let any feelings that are between your ears make you feel less in any way. You will always be different but people will still consider you a woman and see you as such. Your caring personality shines through in your posts, make sure your new friends see the real you with a smile and they will love ya!
Maybe a little farther to go but you've come a long ways and its downhill now.

[Jorja]

You may feel you have a long way to go but not really. I am sure you have had sexual relations at one time or another. Simply modify your stories to meet you new needs. You are not lying. Just telling an alternate version.

[Barbara Ella]

Arbon, you went to a dinner party, met complete strangers, spent what appears to be some quality time with them, and were accepted into their small group to share some very personal time. My, how far you really have gone in your travels.

Who ever really feels comfortable when in new situations? Just keep looking for and accepting them when they come your way.

Barbara

[ReineD]

Likewise they are not going to get my experience as a transsexual with a difficult to explain sexuality or my experience with relationships. No way was I going to be open about details about me with four women I just met.

It's true that most people have not lived in your skin and we cannot possibly fully understand everything that you've gone through. Nor can we even imagine what it must have been like to have lived in the male culture.

But ... we do spend a lifetime talking about the most intimate details (we don't need a game like Cowgirl to do this ). This means that we are not only practiced at sharing about ourselves, we're also good at empathizing with others over experiences they've had that we cannot know. Most of us can put ourselves in someone else's shoes even if we don't get it entirely. I had a dear friend whose daughter died of leukemia. I've never had a daughter and all of my sons are alive. How could I possibly understand what she went through? It didn't matter. I cried with her just as much as if I had shared her experience.

I think that most women would at least be able to understand the horror of having been born in the wrong body and all the challenges this presents, even if we haven't experienced it directly. So next time, you can share from your soul just like they did, and this is what will place you in the same space as them: the ability to communicate your inner being and experiences with other women even if your experiences are different than theirs.

Some of it even hurt - like one of my questions was ...

Likewise, you regret not having been assimilated into the female culture since birth. This is devastating and I don't want to take away from this. But, many of us do look at other people's lives and wish that we had what they had. Last night I went to a party. My SO is out of town so I went alone. Everyone there was happily married and had been for years. I could see the type of connection and security between them that only such people have. I felt immensely alone in my life, I was greatly saddened, and I felt envious, even though I have a SO (we don't live together). I'm not saying this to compare my situation with yours or that my grief is as big as yours. I am saying there are lots of people who do not experience the good things that other people have.

You've not had a man tell you that he loves you. This is very sad, but it is your truth and it is OK to share, along with your sadness over this. I can't imagine a woman who would not be able to empathize and again, it is the sharing and the empathizing that places women in the same boat, more than having had identical or similar experiences.

The sharing and empathizing over dissimilar experiences is what forms bonds between people much, much more than having lived the same experiences.

[docrobbysherry]

Arbon, life is NOT about being something or doing something. It's all a journey. Like on a cruise ship.

U r not a GG. U never will be. However, no GG will ever be u either! But, won't be an issue if u realize it isn't all that important. We ALL want things we can't have! I would LOVE to enjoy a nite out with real GGs like yours. But, THAT will never happen for me! Try not to dwell on things u can't have. Concentrate on the realistic goals u CAN achieve!

And, most important. Try to enjoy your journey!

[Badtranny]

and was able to finish without outing yourself.

Please don't got there. Arbon was absolutely outed and she knew it, her problem was more about relating to others and being vulnerable than it was about being trans.

They were comfortable with her, but she wasn't comfortable with them. That's the point, and that's what she needs to work on.

[KellyJameson]

Arbon

I have a 39 year old GG friend that is still a virgin who is a nationally ranked athlete so suffers from a lack of privacy that her modest fame as brought her and she has the same problem of fitting in because she is not the "norm" but she is very much an individual with self respect and dignity.

Also many woman are reserved and would never speak openly about sexual topics because they would see it has disrespectful to the precious memories and partner they created them with.

In my opinion it is not identity that caused your pain but associating with those who you may not have anything in common with independent of gender.

I urge you to be cautious with wanting acceptance from woman to the point where you associate with people who are not a true reflection of who you are at your core.

Associating with women is not a prerequisite to being a woman.

Inclusion or rejection by others should not define who you are in your own mind.

Please do not put your self esteem into the hands of others defined by the "group" you identify with.

if you were on a deserted island you would still be a woman because you carry this with you as you.

[Amy A]

I have to agree with Melissa here. It sounds like you quite quickly put up the barriers and perhaps even took offense where none was intended. They tried to include you in their game and treat you no differently to any other girl, it's you that set yourself apart here.

Rather than question your validity as a woman, or attribute wrongdoing to these women, I think you need to look at other aspects of who you are. This environment clearly just wasn't for you, which is fine, it just means that if such situations make you feel so uncomfortable then you are best off avoiding them in future. There are plenty of women out there for whom this situation would've been just as uncomfortable, it's just that they've perhaps had longer to build social circles of female friends who share their interests and enjoy the same things.

Keep meeting new people, take all opportunities with an open mind, but just be prepared to accept when something isn't for you without taking it to heart as an attack on your femininity. Put aside your background and past experience and just look for like minded people.

[celeste26]

Seems to me that this friend of yours did not do you a favor, she should have stopped that "game" before it started. It tells me more about this friend and who she likes to pal around with.

[Nicole Erin]

WRONG Celeste. Wanna live as a woman, one needs to RELATE as such even during shady moments.

Wake up Arbon! Here is the reality, this is the God's honest truth -
EVEN IF women know you are TS - they understand you are becoming a woman and usually respect and treat you as such.
That means they will relate to you as another woman. Maybe not 100% but this acceptance goes further than most of us ever thought it would. Believe me, I have found myself in some awkward conversations with women where they tell me things that they would not say around men. I have had female friends tell me things about their sex life that I didn't need to hear. I have had women confide in me on things that I never thought they would say.

You may or may not pass, people may know but as I said, you want to become a woman, expect to be treated as one for better or worse.

For some of us, including yourself, the days of "do I pass, do they know, should I wear panties under my work clothes?" are over. After all the coming out, going full time etc, that is when you need to get your ass in gear and live as a woman and accept yourself as such. And good bye male privilege.

[arbon]

It was not about being clocked or passing.
If those thing were and issue for me I would not be able to leave my house.
I live in a community were it is very well known that I am transsexual.

And in this case I don't know if my friend told her other friends before hand if I was trans or not, and if she didn't the big adams apple and funny voice and being a little tall compared to most women would fill them all in to what I am.

But that was not a concern for me. I'm used to people knowing I'm trans, it really not a big deal to me.

And I was not offended by them, or implying they did something wrong, and did not mean to come across that way in op - rather this is about my stuff, in my head, and how I interact with other women. I feel like I have a long ways to go with it.

. Arbon was absolutely outed and she knew it, her problem was more about relating to others and being vulnerable than it was about being trans.

They were comfortable with her, but she wasn't comfortable with them. That's the point, and that's what she needs to work on.Please don't got there.

Melissa hit on it very well i think

I mean here I am with this close group of women who are engaged in sharing very intimate details about their lives as women and wanting me to participate in this with them. But I got hung up, stuck, because most of my history / life is as a man and only a few years being out as a trassexual woman. How does that fit in to what was going on in this group of women? And I am also a pretty closed person anyway, I don't really talk much about the details of my life - I'm not used to it.

Now my wife on the other hand loves to talk about me to just about anyone. But she was not with me last night, it would have been real interesting if she was. lol

I did try doing what Jorja suggested, modifying details, it just seemed to come out weird. It was not working very well for me. Or did not seem to be at the time.


I really appreciate Reine's post, it really speaks to what it was about. Thank you.


I did spend some time today with the friend that invited me so we got to talk about it. She was a little worried about the whole thing and how I was going to do with it. She said I handled it very gracefully but also she did say something similar to what Reine said in her post here and said that next time I relax a little and just be myself. she said she would invite me the next time they do it. lol well at least maybe I will be a little more prepared. hopefully.

[Badtranny]

Melissa hit on it very well i think.

Cuz I've been there doll. Socialization is as long a process as the physical transition. Speaking for myself, I spent a lifetime on the outside looking in, and when they began to let me in, I was a little taken aback. Luckily I am outgoing and enjoy the company of brand new friends so it was a stepping stone that I didn't trip on.

Hang in there Arby, it just takes time. Everything about transition takes a whole lot of time.

[noeleena]

Hi,

What i have to say may or not apply yet here is something that may help you. i have been in many situastions like that though not this kind of game, for myself i do relate with women , well female from birth, i had to answer ?'s that would cover life, yes very close to my heart, i was accepted as a normal woman with in a group of 25 members one rejected me out right yet none of the others wonted me to leave they knew enough about myself to know im female.

Now in another group i;v been rejected by 3 members who wont accept im female because of how i look, & yes i can site other case's ,

Now because im different & it can come down to life & details i'v missed out on such as not haveing my womb am i then rejected because of that , no ,
i cant tell all that other females can yet i know some who are born female cant ether so would they feel out of place had they been where you were with your friends & the game you played, yes very much so. so you see some of us females have not had a full life as female because we are born different or not able to have our own children because of abnormal things that have gone wrong before birth.

Being a woman does not give every woman all of what we need or should have in our life,

Now would i be out of sorts say id been invited to a get together like you were, because i was not able to express myself in the same way they could or did,

Im a very strong woman who has a backbone & can take care of her self yet even though im female i lack some inner parts that would complment my body, because of being intersex,

Hey i get my down days big time because im not compleat. i struggle i know what its like to be rejected by my own kind, yea its bloody hard i can tell you.

I'v looked at other women & say why , i am like you just because my body is suspect do i have to be rejected,

We who are different dont have it all together & never will yet we are who we are live life love life & dont let this get you down or put off . remember this sometimes we need issues like this to make us stronger, they are not there to break us, they are there to show us we can get through life & yes feeling out of it or hurt, we must just press on .

I know what it feels like i live it every day......Hugs to you.

...noeleena...