Coming out to my housemates??

[AshleyW]

So... I rent a house with four other guys. They're all fairly typical heterosexual cisgender males in their early twenties; (I'm the oldest at 25). I've only been living there for a little over a month now, and I didn't know any of them before I moved in. They seem to be fairly open-minded. At some point I feel like I'm going to have to come out to them because it's really frustrating having to keep my dressing just to my room. I'd love to be able to just lounge around the house in casual girls' clothes.

They probably already suspect that I'm "different" anyways, since they've all seen me with eyeshadow and mascara on, and at least two of them have noticed my pink toenails. Of course they were polite about it and didn't say anything, but I could tell they noticed. Part of me wants to just walk into the living room in a dress and be like, "Yup, I'm a crossdresser!" But I feel like that's not the best way to go about it.

By the way, my crossdressing is definitely about gender expression, there's nothing sexual about it. I'd be sure to explain that to them if/when I come out.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[SaraNZ]

I'd try find a flat with mostly (all) women... but sorry no experience in this matter.

[Beverley Sims]

I shared a house with three girls,
I never came out to them, they came in and dressed me.
They needed a fourth girl for bridge.

[Sabrina133]

Tiffany, If they've seen you with make up and pink toes, they know.

[jenni_xx]

I applaud anyone who has the courage to be honest with others. I applaud you, tiffany, for even contemplating coming out to the four guys who you are currently sharing a house with. Many cd's may well be tempted if it was four girls they were sharing a house with, but wouldn't even dream of thinking about coming out to four guys.

Only you can say with any surety whether the four guys you share a house with will be accepting, and for that reason you are the one who is best judged in terms of making a decision in your situation. Sabrina is in all probability correct, but then the things they have seen could be easily explained away if anyone of the guys you live with chooses to raise the subject. If you do feel that all of them would be accepting, then go for it. The chances are that they will think that you are gay, so it will be up to you to correct them if that isn't the case.

I would say though, it's one thing telling them, it's another completely lounging around the house dressed up. They will, more likely than not, poke fun at you. If you feel that you can take such ribbing with a pinch of salt, then that wouldn't be a problem for you, or indeed for them. But remember, if you tell them your secret, then rest assured that they will tell others -all their friends and partners. Come out, even if only to group of people - especially a group of people that you haven't known for a long time, then you'll eventually be out to pretty much everyone. If that doesn't bother you, then go for it.

[Sabrina133]

jenny, i think you are spot on.

Tiffany, what I should have said is 'if they've seen you with make up and pink toes, you telling them will confirm what they all ready suspect." If you are ready for your secret to spread and you are comfortable with that, then so be it.

[Barbra P]

I agree with Sabrina in that they know, but what they know or think they know may be entirely different than what you think they know. I’m a long way away from my early twenties and when I was I was not sharing a house with other twenty-something’s but rather in the Marines, in combat in Southeast Asia. I do know that society has changed a great deal in almost fifty-years but then seeing a man wearing eye-makeup and sporting pink toenails the thought that would have crossed most minds is that he was gay, heck I doubt if most people even knew about crossdressers then. Even today I’m fairly sure that upon seeing a man wearing eye-makeup and having pink toenails the first thought to cross their minds is still, he is gay.

I believe that most of us that have come out of the closet, whether to our wives or so’s, relatives, friends, or other acquaintances have been asked if we were gay, or felt that we had to explain that we were not gay (that is for those of us who are not gay). I’m also sure that a fair percentage came across someone with the “Yeah, right” attitude. I can’t help but wonder what the percentages are that all four of them (possibly none of them) are going to believe that your “crossdressing is definitely about gender expression; there's nothing sexual about it.”

I fully understand you’re not wanting to be restricted to your room, that would drive me up the wall in short order and I know that I could not continue to live someplace for very long with a restriction like that. Sooner or later the others will find out, whether you tell them or one of them catches you dressed. Do you have your own bathroom or do you share the bathroom(s)? If shared, being caught may not be too far in the future.

I can’t say what I’d have done at your age, but as I pointed out societal norms were different, but now I think I would broach the subject with your housemates. I see several outcomes; one is that all four of them are totally cool with your crossdressing and like some TV sitcom Tiffany becomes the fifth member of the household with her pantyhose drying on the shower curtain rod. Another possibility is that they don’t care if you dress but it is strictly DADT, they don’t want to know and they don’t want to see Tiffany; this scenario might be subject to change as time passes. Yet another possibility is that one or more of the four takes an instant dislike to you and your lifestyle and wants you out of the house post-haste – making life totally miserable for you. Then there is the possibility that they simply ask you to find some other place to live.

I think one of these scenarios is apt to play out sooner rather than later seeing as you have already worn eye-makeup and toenail polish and I suspect that has been the topic of more than one conversation among the other four.

Good luck and I hope you get the first scenario, but I’d be prepared for one of the others, even in this more enlightened age.

[AshleyW]

Thanks everyone for all the advice! I think I wrote that post as more of a catharsis without really expecting a response, so it's very nice to get some replies.

I'd try find a flat with mostly (all) women

A mixed-gender or all-woman household would definitely be my preference. That being said, there are many things I love about the place I'm currently in: the location is absolutely perfect for me, the rent is super cheap, and I do really get along well with the guys that live there. All in all I'd rather not move if possible.
Ironically, it was during the month between when I responded to their ad and when I moved in that I really started to learn what transgender meant and to accept the fact that I was a crossdresser. If I had known just a little bit sooner I might have made more of an effort to find a mixed-gender place.

I would say though, it's one thing telling them, it's another completely lounging around the house dressed up.

That's a good point and something I hadn't really thought about. I guess if I started dressing around them it would be best to begin with something more androgynous (maybe skinny jeans and a girly tee-shirt without any body shaping?) and see how comfortable they are with that before going any further.

Come out, even if only to group of people - especially a group of people that you haven't known for a long time, then you'll eventually be out to pretty much everyone.

Also a good point, and also something I hadn't thought of. My long-term goal is to eventually be out to everyone, but the key words there are long term. Telling these guys could expedite the process beyond what I comfortable with.

if they've seen you with make up and pink toes, you telling them will confirm what they all ready suspect.

Indeed. Part of the reason I feel I should talk to them is that if I don't it leaves them to speculate and conjecture on their own and I assume they'll reach the wrong conclusions. I'm almost entirely straight, and while it doesn't bother me if people think I'm gay, I'd still rather they had accurate impressions. It would give me a chance to at least try to explain the gender stuff too.

I can’t help but wonder what the percentages are that all four of them (possibly none of them) are going to believe that your “crossdressing is definitely about gender expression; there's nothing sexual about it.”

To be more accurate, I should probably have said there's usually nothing sexual about it. 'Cause yesterday I bought my first bra and breast forms and got pretty "excited" looking at my reflection in the mirror. So I guess it does get sexual now and then.

Good luck and I hope you get the first scenario, but I’d be prepared for one of the others, even in this more enlightened age.

Thanks. The thing is, even if things go poorly and I have to move, that's probably still better than having to keep my feminine side perpetually cloistered in my room. (Even though I love that house and would rather not move if possible). So I guess even the worst case scenario is preferable to not coming out at all.

[Wildaboutheels]

No have not been in a similar situation.

Do you like all of these guys and how hard would it be for you to find other living arrangements? No matter how open minded they SEEM to be. What you propose is a far cry from what they have already seen. What if being much more open about it rubs even one the wrong way? Many people will bite their tongues but wear their discomfort on their shoulders for all to see which will eventually ruin the harmony of all five unless people mostly work different schedules and rarely see each other.

[Rachel Morley]

Many cd's may well be tempted if it was four girls they were sharing a house with, but wouldn't even dream of thinking about coming out to four guys.

I would say though, it's one thing telling them, it's another completely lounging around the house dressed up.

These two quotes were very much in my mind too when I read them .... caution required!

[SamBrook]

I lived in a 4 bedroom with 3 others before, and I wouldn't even keep my clothes at that location

[mikiSJ]

Tiffany, If they've seen you with make up and pink toes, they know.

...and I think the odds that one of your housemates may find an attraction you may or may not want to be as high as the chance one or more of your housemates may harbor a phobia not to your liking.

You may want to do some further investigation into your housemates attitudes before you come out with a pair high heel sandals showing off you toenails.

[Stacey Summer]

I have to echo what most have already said. Learn more first!! What I usually do if I'm not 100% sure how a person will react is to work the subject of crossdressing into a conversation and make my decision based on what they say.

As Jenni said, you're the only person who can know how they will react. They've already seen you with makeup and painted toenails so I can imagine they're fairly accepting and open minded. However, even if they're ok with it, take it slow! Don't immedaitely start lounging around in a skirt or dress. Start off small and give them a chance to get used to seeing Tiffany around the house.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I also have new living arrangements, but the couple my GF and I share with, have known us a while. Before we moved in, I did tell the male that he might see me in a skirt, and he was perfectly fine with it. I assume he's told his GF, but I have hesitated to walk out in a skirt, so far. I want to be able to just hang out around the house in a skirt, especially as Summer is finally here.

[Chickhe]

If you are going to do that, then the whole world will know... but, I never believed in 'proclaiming what you are'...just do it, but make it fun for them. Halloween is a great time to do it. Dress in drag, be the hit of the party...show them all how much fun you are. This gets rid of the shock factor, opens up the chance to talk and then you can be more open about it.

[boink]

Never been in a similar situation. The closest I can think of was my freshman year of college when I had a (male) roommate to whom I did not come out to. I just wasn't at the right place with my own self-acceptance, and I got singles the following years, no big deal. I've always found it more intimidating/challenging to come out to men, personally, but I've yet to have a bad experience.

I definitely would not recommend just walking out in a dress, but I think you could pretty safely come out to your housemates if you feel comfortable with it. Maybe pick one of them to talk to first (perhaps if there's one you're closer to or have spent more time with), and see how that goes and take it from there. I'd just be straightforward about it and be ready to ask questions. I always feel like the slow-hinting method...oooh, maybe they'll notice this (even if I'm guilty of having done it) is awkward and doesn't really accomplish your goal. So I'd say just go for it. Pick your time and place carefully, and make sure you feel comfortable. Other than that, best of luck. Who knows it could very well be a total non-issue for them.