Hello from Sunny Gender Fluid Land!

[melissaK]

So I've stayed away from the forum for a month or so for complicated personal reasons. I'm fine though, and I think I can dare to venture an update.

As some may recall I'm mid transition and have been trying to keep a relationship with my wife since coming out in January and saying I couldn't go on without transitioning. A month or so ago we had a really bad weekend where the relationship between us melted down completely. And I mean completely. I have dissociative issues when hopelessly stressed and they kicked in. ::shiver::

In that melt down everything we had was swept aside. All the old relationship boundaries collapsed. We both found ourselves emotionally taxed beyond our limits. Our lives together under our old rules had reached a limit and we each were drowned in our worst fears come true.

But in the wreckage, after that crazy pain that turns to numbness subsides and feelings begin to return, we both found we were still very much in love with each other. We both still wanted each other.

So we started growing a new open, brutally honest, relationship in place of the old one.

My wife has found it within herself to accept me as I am - somewhere in mid transition, a "gurl" with B cups and shoulder length hair, a mixed wardrobe that doesn't add up M or F, and male genitals that don't work as well as they used to. I pretty much look like an escapee from a heavy metal band or a left over hippie. But, for very personal reasons to her, if I transition fully, or even fully cross-dress, I cannot stay in my wife's life. It's not a threat, it's not a bargain, it's a fact arising from events in her past.

And the thing is, I realize I don't want to transition further. I'm not completely shocked by this, I made comments in the forum in February that once I was out, things looked and felt different to me. I read Kate Bornstein's My Gender Workbook and looked hard at myself and options. I doubted the presumption that full transition was right for me. But I also couldn't see how gender queer land in the middle could work. It made me real uncomfortable - it had an "ewww" factor to it for me. But here I am. I'm in the middle - and I like the phrase a "gender fluid" place better. And I'm quite startled to realize I'm really happy here.

It's not a place of forced compromise, it's not a place I'm holding to for fear of further change. Since January when I started coming out I gave myself the freedom to be me. I realized I had been repressing way more personality traits than just gender ones. I realized 35 years ago I started college as a pretty counter-culture art major, and I had 1'-2' of hair for a decade until my third year of law school when I cut it to fit in with the lawyers I work with. This self inflicted repression of 'liberal' 'anti-establishment'traits went had in hand with my gender repression.

I see that when I gave myself permission to be "me" gender wise, I also gave myself permission to be "me" in non gender areas too. And that counter-culture, anti-authority, libertarian, intellectual hippie I once was, has kinda reemerged, although older and wiser. And this "me" isn't freaked out by being gender fluid. So I've found a whole new "me."

At work, so far they tolerate my long hair and light lip gloss. In some parts of
America maybe long haired lawyers are no big deal. In my legal community I'm
one of maybe three or four out of thousands. Meh! I can't afford to care what others think. My reputation within my firm and among others is that I'm creative, think well outside the box, and have long range tactics second to few. So I hope my 'image' is just coming in line with my reputation.

And it seems inevitable to have to discuss whether I'm a true transsexual or not. Keep in mind I don't identify as genetic male and I had to transition to get to gender fluid land, so I'm keeping claim to TS status. :-) (When you comment, be kind in your words and know that I have feelings and I care what you girls think. I couldn't get to here without all of your good comments along the way.)

It's all too new to sit back and say "journey done." My wife is barely a month into being so accepting and understanding, and I'm barely a month into thinking I can make gender fluid land my home. So cross those fingers ladies and keep wishing me and my wife luck.

Hugs,

[stefan37]

Labels aside and I am not going there. I am glad you have found yourself and at present are at peace. Isn't that the goal for all of us to find that inner peace rather than waging internal war. I wish you happiness and wish you and your wife the best.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm glad that you have come to a place where you can be happy and it seems that your Gender Dysphoria is under control.

I will, however, disagree with your claim to be TS - as I understand what you wrote, in WPATH terms you are "Gender Non Conforming" and your particular type of dysphoria has responded well to the Hormone Therapy.

The fact that in beginning this therapy you thought of it in terms of transition does not make you TS any more than it makes me better or worse than you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm glad you have found a good place for yourself for the time being Melissa, and I'm especially glad that you and your wife are currently on a good path for both of you.

Why insist on saying you are TS?
That doesn't jibe well the rest of your comments and it undermines your message of finding your true self..it contradicts everything else you said..

Not identifying as a male is different than identifying as a woman as you point out by your actions

TS is not a "status" to claim

[Jorja]

I am glad you have found a place where you can be at peace with yourself. Unfortunately, many relationships do not survive the transition process. It takes special people to weather that storm. That does not mean you cannot be good friends at the end. It is not my place to determine whether or not you are TS so I will leave that to the experts. What is important is that you find that place where you personally can live and function as a productive human being. Once you have found that place, you are there.

[Badtranny]

I think it's great that you're feeling great.

That idea that you're "keeping claim to TS status" is kinda interesting in that I'm not sure what "status" that confers. Is it like a membership card? I think outside of this forum, it pretty much means nothing.

I've been thinking about people who insist they are TS just in case someone thinks otherwise, and I wonder how many of those people I encounter in my daily life. People that look like otherwise normal dudes, yet consider themselves to be women? It's fascinating to think about really. Then it occurred to me as I was watching a rather feminine guy order coffee in front of me, and he was cracking up the Barista and cashier with silly comments about social media.

Being Transsexual is similar to being funny. If you have to tell people you are, then ...

[Inna]

Be Kind in your comments! Always.....well, most of the time, lol

Transition: most if not all of us who start on the path of "Transition" understand only shallow face value of the parameters of this life changing event. To transition is to depart and arrive elsewhere, hopefully at completion, fulfillment, end point.
But such isn't at all what transition is.......

At lest in my understanding, I no longer call such journey a transition, simply because when I embarked on this path of truth, all my assumptions went out the window and smashed into pieces on the concrete pavement of presumption.
A Death of one, formidable facade, we call HE into a birth of true and liberated SHE, an old yet entirely new persona, new to the experience of living.

As I have learned and later observed to be true, my therapist pointed to a very remarkable detail. "She is 7 years old you know" she remarked when I first opened the doorway to my soul. I have placed INNA in a maximum security confinement since I have discovered her sometime between 5 and 7 years old.

When I awoke her from the lumbering sleep with the kiss of love, she started where she left off, growing exponentially with experience.

I can truly tell that I have experienced each stage of growth from 7 to about late twenties at the moment, all this possible because of my devotion to the truth and letting life take me where it may. All this confirmed by observations of other natal females who I respect and who are extremely loving and follow my new life's experience.

So you see, to fix constants is to mask yet another facade of confinement. I bet my professional expertise that you shall remain growing past this here plateau and perhaps evolve to someone yet unexpected from perception of life from your current perspective.

"Being Transsexual is similar to being funny. If you have to tell people you are, then ..." now that is funny stuff Melissa!

[arbon]

Hi Lissa, thanks for the update I had been wondering how you were doing.
If you are feeling happy with where you are at I think it is great, and if you find later you need to go further you always can. Just stay honest with yourself and what seems best for you.
Its the most important thing to be yourself

[LeaP]

'Lissa - congratulations on finding a solution that works. In the end, that's all that matters.

The "status" side discussion is interesting. Does it matter? Maybe. The public is becoming educated about "transgender" (meaning transsexual) people. To the extent that they can't categorize someone there, perhaps it turns to judgements that are less than flattering.

[Kathryn Martin]

And it seems inevitable to have to discuss whether I'm a true transsexual or not. Keep in mind I don't identify as genetic male and I had to transition to get to gender fluid land, so I'm keeping claim to TS status. :-) (When you comment, be kind in your words and know that I have feelings and I care what you girls think. I couldn't get to here without all of your good comments along the way.)

I am so glad for you to have found a liveable space. All too often gender fluidity or gender variance is pressed into some model of trans-ness that in real life does not exists. Transsexualism is not a status, it's a medical condition nothing more or less. It is nothing to aspire to, it is something that afflicts us.

Gender experience that places you outside of the gender binary has been around since we erected ourselves to walk on the savannahs of Africa. It is not a construct but rather a norm while extreme binary gender paradigm is in fact the construct and the abnormality.

It is amazing that you have gone through this process and have arrived at a place of safety, sanity and becoming. I love you for that.

[Carlene]

In my opinion, being gender fluid gives an individual the best of all worlds. Congratulations

[mary something]

I think inna makes a great point. Let's not worry so much about facades or labels right now. You seem to be in a good place right now, and I'm happy for you. Who knows where you will be in 5 years from now? Its always better to travel well than to arrive. We are all individuals, so do what is right for you right now. If your needs change again then keep pursuing happiness cause you deserve the chance at it just like everybody else!

[Barbara Ella]

'Lissa, I am so happy for you finding "your transition." I truly hope the two of you can find this position to be a resting place where you both can catch your breath and get to know one another again, because you really are another person now and she needs time to get comfortable with you once more.

Not everyone's transition has to be the same, and end at the same place. The purpose of the journey and transition is to move from a place where you are not comfortable to a place where you have comfort and peace. This travel may require more extreme happenings for some than others. That does not change who one is, or was in any way whatsoever.

I pray for the two of you, and for your continuing peace.

Barbara

[KellyJameson]

Try to always keep in mind that transitioning is a fairly recent phenomenon brought on by advances in science but transsexuals have been around since the dawn of time

That the gender binary is a western concept probably born out of religion that is not recognized by most ancient cultures

Remove western culture and being gender fluid is the natural norm.

Ultimately you are talking about your identity and being able to live it in ways comfortable for you.

There are a bazillon reasons someone will not transition so it becomes a matter of striking a balance between different forms of suffering.

People have transitioned only to commit suicide later because they lost everything to gain the one thing they needed the most. What good is transitioning if in the end it kills you.

Transitioning is being pushed by pain until the pain stops but this is all forms of pain, not just of the body or dysphoria

Sex as orgasm is pleasurable and losing it for some may be painful. Marriage for some is pleasurable and losing it will be painful.

No one transitions in a vacuum and you always lose something to gain something else.

You have found balance between what you gain and what you lose and in my mind this is most fortunate for you because many never do.

Do not let other transsexuals decide if you are transsexual or not. Learn from them but reject their labels if they run contrary to who you know yourself to be.

[Marleena]

I really like Kelly's post here. I probably sound like a broken record by now but I've always said to do just enough to improve your quality of life and allow yourself to be happy. That will be different for everyone. You can always move the goal posts in the future Melissa but it sounds like you've got things sorted out with your wife and it's working for both of you.

[TeresaL]

Good for you Lisa. Hold on to what you have, if you really want it. Our mileage varies, and what you are doing, and what you have written looks good to me. I have some of the same things going, provided I am reading you correctly.

Kelly, that's good. Maybe even profound. Hope I'm not the only one who thinks so. LOL

ADDED: nope, I'm not the only one.
Inna, stop it, your making me cry. It's meant for Lisa, but I'm taking it because there is enough to go around with some left over.

This is a painful road from hell that we travel. We crash and burn, do a 180, land between two rocks and a hard place, take the long non-scenic route, rip hearts apart, watch our family crumble, we get flamed, abused, discriminated against. We get no respect, have no comfort, get no rest.

Yet you have found a kernel of hope, a glint of love, a chance to be yourself, peace beyond understanding, a spiritual awakening, and an opportunity to taste that which you really are. That which is all we want. To be born again and change from the caterpillar to the butterfly, that always seems to be evasive and just out of reach. You seem to have found the path which enables you to grow and expand, moving off and away from the plateau which was a comfort zone of stagnation and fear. In effect, you have disassembled and reassembled, with the parts greater than the whole. If you haven't arrived, you are arriving, and you may be leaving, which will be a huge impact and greater loss - the bucket will be empty.

But we do change, we will move, and we are directed to be something else than what we were. Times have changed and we are slowly, so slowly, being melted into a society that considers us sick. It may not happen, but wish I could be there, however, that is a long shot and a crapshoot. Doesn't matter, hope I know you in the future, and will dwell on your words for as long as I'm transgender.

[mary something]

I agree too, Kelly's post was really good!

[melissaK]

Thank you all for the good wishes and insightful comments, even those who maybe define TS differently or wonder why it matters to me at all.

What is most moving about this thread is my wife read this thread!! Yes. It's the first thread of mine she's ever read here. For the first time I was able to share all of you, my online forum friends, with her.

So many of you are known to me from a year of fervent posting, so many of you have soothed my fears with kind words at the right time. And you have all been there when I had no where else to go. I have long wished that I could share you, my friends, with her. And it has happened.

And she is impressed with your kind and insightful words. Despite 20 years of marriage to me, she is new to actually accepting and learning about the TS experience, and its cool to see her pick up on the issues you point out.

And more interestingly, she has gained insight into herself. Our close relationship is in part because of her past, she is not unlike us in many ways. It's wonderful to share her own journey of self discovery, and in some way you are all a little part of it.

Thanks again, and big hugs!!!

[mary something]

That is wonderful! I'm glad that your relationship with your wife has grown to the point it has now. Perhaps she will consider joining this forum at some point in the future. It has always been clear to me that you love her very much and I am very happy to see this closeness between the two of you and hope that it grows even more in such a way that both of you are able to live the life you want together.

[Donna Joanne]

One thing I have learned from my therapy is I have no more choice about being TG than I have in how tall I am. Now I can choose to slouch and try to hide my height, or wear heels and increase my height, but the end result is the same, I can't change my height personally. I can only try and change how others see and perceive me, not who I am. When it is all said and done, I am still just Donna.

My best advice to you 'lissa is to find a therapist and work these issues out. You nor your wife are qualified to do this. In the end, you may discover something you are searching for and haven't found yet...THE TRUE YOU... Wishing you luck on your quest for you.

Donna

[StephanieC]

'lissa, I am glad to hear you have found yourself in a good place. I have always wondered about the "gender fluid" term...it seems to be used heavily with LGBT youth in my neck of the woods. I think the fact you and your wife are in a good place is a good thing...even better, that you have rediscovered yourself.

I do not think it is necessary to give this state a title or to proclaim you will not change further.

To be is good.

-stephani

[melissaK]

My best advice to you 'lissa is to find a therapist and work these issues out. You nor your wife are qualified to do this. In the end, you may discover something you are searching for and haven't found yet...THE TRUE YOU... Wishing you luck on your quest for you

Thanks Donna. Can't argue about therapy helping. If you cruise my backstory and back posts you'll see I have had plenty of counseling and my wife and I are in counselling, and have used these resources for decades . . . Keeping mental health has at times been more challenging for me than for most . . .

[Nikki A.]

As long as you're happy and your marriage can stay intact. To me thats a win-win situation.
Too many members have had their relationships crumble in the process of finding themselves some peace. I wish you both the best of luck.