I lost my supportive spouse and now I'm back in the closet.

[Sarah Doepner]

After a long, tough fight with cancer, my wife passed away recently. I'm getting love and support from friends and family and have lots of wonderful memories to help me move along and lots of wonderful memories to cry over as well. But reason for the post is to examine a crossdressing issue. She was the only one in the family who knew of my crossdressing and had known for about the last 10 years of our nearly 40 year long marriage (not enough in either case, but we can't change the past). At least she is the only one either one of us told, so I'm back in the closet except for on-line and my local CD group.

We both always wanted her there when we told one or more of our adult children, so that plan is no longer valid. Somehow I'll need to muster up the strength to make that next step myself. I'm still a little too fragile to even worry too much about that for now but I see now that it's something I'll eventually have to do. One step at a time.

Until then, I'm back with those who must hide everything when someone may be coming over. I'm back having to tell stories that aren't true and having to worry about how and when the next person in my family comes to know Sarah. I think it will be easier to share the information because of the support and love she gave me. My self confidence is much higher now than before she found this side of me. It's a new world out there and many of the parameters have changed, but I'm moving along and in a way, I guess she will still have my back.

[docrobbysherry]

Hang in there, Sarah! It sounds like u r.

It's funny how something can change in your life and all of a sudden your dressing is affected. Often not in a good way. Like your tragic loss.

In my case, my daughter moved in with me full time recently. Since I began dressing some 15+ years ago I've always known which days and weekends I would be alone. So, planning my dressing was easy with no chance of being caught. Now, I never know when she'll leave or return. So, extra stealth and risk is involved when I dress. This uncertainty is a completely new experience. And, since I've almost been caught a few times, NOT a pleasant one!

[Sabrina133]

Hi Sarah. I cant even offer advice but wanted to respond to offer my sincerest condolences on your loss. I cant even imagine what its like to loose your life's partner after such a long and eventful life together.
Hugs sister.
Bree

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug
I'm so sorry for your loss!

[StacyPump]

So sorry to hear of your loss, Sarah.

Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. Trust that after some time has passed, and you do some grieving, the path will reveal itself to you. I have a feeling that your children will be supportive and loving.

[suzanne]

Sorry for your loss. Not much else I can say except, "Hang in there, it gets better". Hugs

[dawnmarrie1961]

My heart goes out to you and your family, Sarah.

[SherriePall]

Sarah -- My heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your wife. It must be comforting to remember her support of you after waiting so many years to tell. I, too, waited nearly as long, with a different result (not supportive, but not hostile). Again, my condolences and my prayers for you and your family.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Hi Sarah, I can't imagine how difficult this time is for you. Please accept my condolences for your loss. I'm sure you and your wife shared many other special times aside from the fact that she accepted and embraced the real you. Please take the time to heal and take things slowly. You say your were married about 40 years so I'm guessing you're around my age of 60? You say you have adult children? They may surprise you. I have two 30-somethings girls and one step-daughter who know about me and still love me no matter what. You might be able to lean on our youth who are more accepting. I know I could!

Just continue to lean on us here. While we mourn the loss of your loving wife, you still have a future. It will take time since you show that you loved her so much. But today she may very well be your guardian angel in heaven! That's one of the reasons this group exists. You have many friends here to lean on! I wish you the very best.

Cheryl

[RADER]

Sarah;
I also lost my wife in early April. We had 19+ years together, the best years of my life.
She knew of me dressing since we where dating, so no surprises.
Now the daughter wants to come over and help me "Clean" out old clothes.
This is one job I must do my self. I must separate hers from mine, and she would not understand.
I think the worst thing about Marriage is losing your soul mate from death. I do miss her.
Rader

[Tess]

I was touched by your post. My wife has begun a battle with cancer with a few health related strikes against her already. Its frightening when I think I could loose her. It is so difficult to close the door on the past and move forward without the partner that has been there for so long...and knew most of our secrets.

[Persephone]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs,
Persephone

[rachael.davis]

I am sorry for your loss, Please give yourself enough time to grieve before speaking to your children, or other relatives.

[Ashley Lyn]

My heart goes out to you, and your family..
I lost my 'supportive' wife to a similar fate in 1998.. I too, wanted to tell the kids, so they wouldn't 'discover' Dad's closet, but hesitated to do so.. Especially so soon after her passing, as ones mind is not clear for several months.. Take your time!

I remarried in 2004, and she was introduced to my 'closet' just before we 'got serious'.. I'm really mostly closet, but we have been out to a few quiet places together, as I was with my previous wife.. There may be someone out there....

Again, please take your time..

[Tracii G]

I'm so sorry to hear about losing her but memories are always great to look back on.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

[Laura912]

Little can be said right now that will speed the healing. Perhaps, as you approach telling other members of your family, you can introduce the topic by saying, "Your mother knew this about me and was comfortable with it. We were going to tell you so now I will tell you by myself." That day will be a while coming though.

[Eryn]

I think that Laura's approach is a good one. There is no rush, so let the grieving period get well past before you discuss this with your children. That will let your wife's sharing in your CDing be seen as your fond memory, not associated with the grief of her passing.

[Annette_boy]

Hi Sarah

first my deepest sympathy to you on your loss . I too have been there I lost my wife of 30 years who knew of my dressing and other things the whole time this was 9 years ago. It does get easier but never goes away the grief . I am now out to everyone and live full time but your journey is going to be different from mine. I wish you well and take things slow and they will work out .I wish I could give you a hug more substantial than this virtual one.

Hugs Annette

[Cami desiree]

Sarah,
If you ever need any one to talk to or support please contact me. Perhaps we can get together someday in Salt Lake City?
Cami

[Maria 60]

I am so sorry to hear about your lost. It was just last week when my wife was doing some spring cleaning and asked me if I wanted some of the cloths she was giving to goodwill. I really don't have anymore room for more fem stuff but I still took most of it, she asked me why I was taking so much considering I don't really dress that often. I told her I don't know what the future has in mind for us and for whatever reason I may end up without you I want to make sure I have a life time of cloths.. She answered I hope that never happens. I could only imagine what your going threw. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Jonianne]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Sarah. Do allow the greiving to come whenever it comes. My Angel passed two years ago this month and hearing of your loss brings greiving back into my heart. In a way, it's a comfort, because it brings back our most intimate connection between our hearts, even though she is not here physically. God be with you as you go through this time. Joni

[Cindy M]

Sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Cindy

[Lorileah]

For what it is worth, since I have been there. Don't worry about it right now. After my wife died I dressed at home only and then maybe once a month or so, for 6 months. After my GF died, I went OUT with a vengeance. Two different reactions. But the second loss just reinforced that life is short and you can't wait until tomorrow. You will KNOW when you are ready. Dressing aside you need time to grieve and process. You have had a long and stressful road recently. You are worn down. Take time to process and recharge. It isn't easy, trust me, You will be in shock for awhile. Take your time, you need to do this on your own time. DO NOT force it along .

You know you have many many friends here who support you 100%

[jamie-upstate]

Sorry for your loss. I don't know how I would deal with the loss of my wife. She has been very supportive for me and my dressing. I just went to your Facebook page and there are a lot of hints that you like crossdressing. It may not be as hard as you think to let family know about Sarah. Our prayers are with you at this time of you loss.

[denese]

my condolences to you. i feel your pain as i am in much the same circumstances. my partner passed away about one month ago. we were only together 22 years but they were great ones. like you she was the only one who know and helped keep my secret from others.