ranting of a lost and lonley girl

[Karen_the_Cutie]

i've been having one of those days where i do a lot of thinking, and having a strong desire to come out to family so i can go on with my transition to female. but sometimes i feel in a way like there are two people in me, but i know there are not. for me it's a battle between what society has taught me is okay for 25 years, and what i have known to be wrong for about 22 of them. I prefer to present myself as a female, and yet, sometimes i am content to be male, depending on what I want to do. So besides that sociological aspect of it, there is a bit if an internal struggle as well. i often think to myself, i am a perfectly good looking healthy guy, and there are girls out there that wish they could be a man like me, just as i wish i could be a woman like them. i look at girls thinking how lucky they are, and how they should be living it up and flaunting their femininity, and yet i bet some girls have looked at me thinking i should be doing the same (but masculinity) so sometimes i find myself wondering, shouldn't I just be content with who I am? Do clothes really make a difference in my happiness?

I am content on some level as both male and female, but if I could 24/7 live as female, with no problems, no questioning from others about why, I'm sure I would. This is something I've always thought. It's not a sexual thing for me, I don't get off on being a girl (no disrespect to those who do!) I remember as a child, not ever wanting to be a girls boyfriend, but wanting to be them. wishing i could trade place, or change sex somehow. it's something ingrained so deeply in me that, some days I just want to cry because I'm not being true to myself.

I'm sure this is something we all struggle with on some level, but I still often wonder...why am I not happy just being how I am when I was I was born? >_<

I'm sorry to be so long winded, but I have no one to confide the thoughts to in the real world, and I really needed to vent tonight. Thanks for reading, and lots of love to all of you. You are wonderful people here, and I am happy to have found this place ^-^

p.s. i apologize if any of this is a little incoherent, it's late and I'm tired, and really need to go to sleep, as I work very early tomorrow x_x

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Karen, I'm a bit confused. In your introduction 2 days ago, you said

I don't plan on going any further, such as SRS, or hormone treatment however, as I enjoy the ability to go out as either sex.

So what transition are you going to continue?

From your introduction and some of what you have written here, I am wondering whether you have considered the possibility that you might be dual-gender. Some people aren't simply male or female but a mix of both. Do you think that might be the case for you?

[noeleena]

Hi,

Some of us are infact both male / female , i have no worrys about that its a difference we are born with , & to accept that just means we can be different,
Clothes did not have any bearing on myself even though i hated male clothes yet did not wont to wear female clothes, well never thought about it, like i should be wearing female clothes,

I know some cant comprehend us or understand why we are different, yea maybe im weird , dont mind, its about get to know me first then by the time you do youll have gone to far to even think im different, youll just accept who i am.

I was never brought up with you can only do these things because your a boy or only those things because your a girl i was not boxed in i was given a free rein if at age 10 -11 i wonted to sew i did, i made pinnys bags did mending or what ever, if i wonted to strip my bike & redo it i did, you see for myself there was no boy or girl detail well i did not see it, & was not pushed ether way,

The real ? is do you have a mind of male or female . interesting im contrairy here my mind is of both at the same time theres not one or the other, yet most of myself is female .

You see what im saying i should be one or the other, i cant , join male clubs , no, yet im a member of female only groups, i dought i could be in a male group. my body says female, though i know a few women wont accept im female even though my orignal birth cert says female at birth,

I can tell you its hard sometimes being different all sorts of issues come along, takes a while to sort out, if at all.
any ways just be who you are, dont worry to much youll do your head in & thats not good, for me its not the clothes its about the person so wear what suits you, & enjoy what you do, live life love life & just enjoy you for who you are,

...noeleena...

[Angela Campbell]

For all of your life you were expected to be a male. After many years you get used to it and it feels comfortable to hide in the male role. No one questions you and no one would question it. I know with no doubts I want to live as a female and I am working to do so, but it is still an escape at times to hide in the male disguise. Less stress I guess.

If someone could answer the question of "why can't I just be happy being as I was born" it would make it a lot easier to explain what we are doing I guess, but at least for me I was born a female but with a majority of male physical characteristics. Someone living outside of this really cannot understand.

[mary something]

it's something ingrained so deeply in me that, some days I just want to cry because I'm not being true to myself.

I'm sure this is something we all struggle with on some level, but I still often wonder...why am I not happy just being how I am when I was born? >_<

because if you are transsexual then you are NOT being just how you are when you were born when you are living as a male instead. Life communicates messages to you with pain. If you are feeling pain now because you say you aren't being true to yourself then why would you expect that pain to end until you ARE true to yourself?

Whether you wish to transition or not you will face problems in life, matter of fact it seems like you are having problems right now. Isn't it rather self-defeating to tell yourself that the only way you could transition is if you won't face any problems?

It sounds like you are having a hard time accepting the feelings that you have had for most of your life. If those feelings have been there for the last 25 years do you expect them to change in the future?

If those feelings don't change then the only other option is to change how you react to them. Wishing you could be happy being and living as a man is fine, but you need to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. At your age your physical chances of having a great transition are really good if you can clear the mental hurdles that you are dealing with now. Some people do and go on to transition in their 20's and find happiness, other people wrestle with these issues for another 10, 20, or 30 years and then transition or not.

What does it matter if there are girls who wish they had a body like you? If you remember being a little kid and wanting to change sex that's a clue to who you are.

[Sandra1746]

You seem to be new here. Your feelings are probably very common among those on these boards. Many folks here identify as "transgender" instead of simply as a CD or a TS who must transition. Gender identity is far more complex, and poorly understood, than the simple male / female binary. Sex is a genetic determination, unless you are intersex , but how the genes on the chromosomes are expressed is quite variable, this is why there are cases of identical twins with one either presenting as gay or transgender. The entire subject is a fascinating topic and you should try and educate yourself through research, Wikipedia is a good starting point, at least for the vocabulary.

If you want to talk to someone I'd recommend the Chase Brexton group here in the Baltimore area. They have a lot more experience in gender-nonconformity than most other medical groups; IMHO. They have been a great help to me.

Educate yourself and learn who you are, above all don't let yourself be pushed into a "niche" that isn't comfortable for you.

Good luck,
Sandra1746

[Karen_the_Cutie]

Thank you all for the responses! <3

I will definitely read up on gender identity. I don't think I am dual gendered, but I am interested in reading everything I can about this to help me better understand myself. I think honestly, the only thing holding me back, is my Dad. I know it would break his heart, and he wouldn't want to explain it to anyone. From comments I've heard him make about others, I just don't see him accepting it, which maybe is why I have a little trouble accepting myself for who I am sometimes. I don't usually get upset about it like this, I think I'm just losing my desire to hide my true self, and deciding what I'm going to do has me in a mix of emotions. Thank you all again so much for your input, it means the world to me

and Rianna, that's why I say I feel lost. I don't plan to go further, but I really want to. I think possibly the only reason I enjoy being able to go out as a boy, is that I know it will never be an issue with anyone (family, friends) I don't have many close relationships in my life, and I would be devastated to lose any of the few I have. I feel like having SRS and hormone replacement is something I would love to do, but between the expenses and my fears of rejection, that is why I don't yet plan on going further.

[ReineD]

I am content on some level as both male and female, but if I could 24/7 live as female, with no problems, no questioning from others about why, I'm sure I would.

Then you need to be realistic about this, and THEN make your decisions. If you talk to the majority of transitioners here, they will tell you that it is impossible to transition and have everyone in your life begin to think of you as female right off the bat. Few are the lucky individuals who after FFS and a few years of HRT, can start their lives again elsewhere and have absolutely no hints they had ever lived in a male body. It takes many years (the number of years depends on the individual) before this can happen. Even fewer are the TSs who naturally have a very feminine face and can do without FFS even when they are on HRT and have had electrolysis.

But for the most part, even after transition, unless you meet the conditions above and you do relocate yourself as if in the witness protection program, people will think of you as being a TS and not a woman (except for the select, very fortunate few).

I'm sorry if this insults anyone here, I'm not targeting anyone, just going by the various threads we've had about this.

So if you weigh all of this, you'll need to make a decision as to whether you can live in a world that can see your past and therefore not think of you in the same way they think about other GGs, at least for some indeterminate amount of years. If your need to live as a female is strong enough, then it will be worth it to you.

I'm sure this is something we all struggle with on some level, but I still often wonder...why am I not happy just being how I am when I was I was born? >_<

Because you are not a man in the pure sense.

Depending on how you answer the question above, you are either transsexual (a woman born in the wrong body who is solidly at the female end of the male/female gender binary) and you do need to begin the long transitioning process, or you are gender non-conforming which is a combination of both gender identity characteristics. IMO it is difficult to come to terms with the latter since none of us live in a world that knows anything other than either male or female. It takes a lot of adjusting and also a creatively flexible way to live like this.

IMO

[Di]

I am content on some level as both male and female, but if I could 24/7 live as female, with no problems, no questioning from others about why, I'm sure I would.

Basically the no problem,no questioning about why... would prob not be a reality because people who care in your life.....would not understand at first.

So imho I would say I would not come out to everyone till you figure things out.

And ditto what Sandra said

Educate yourself and learn who you are, above all don't let yourself be pushed into a "niche" that isn't comfortable for you.

Good luck,

[KellyJameson]

I spent my teens and most of my twenties with the feeling that there were two people in me because my repressed female identity kept trying to assert itself and I kept trying to push it back down into my subconscious. It is why I was sure that I must be crazy because I kept doing crazy things to "fix" myself such as body hair removal and wearing my hair waist length and than the whole mental thing of repression, projection, dissociation and intense trans and homophobia.

Content being a male may mean those times when you are not being"gender challenged" so your internalized gender is not being "threatened" and you are calling this "being content as a male" which is actually not being discontent as a female because there are no triggers being experienced to remind you that you are not female.

This is how it was for me.

You use the word "wish" and in my opinion this is what you want to think about.

What experiences do you want to have as a female that you are not having now?

Why do you want these experiences?

What about your sexuality? Does your sexuality influence your desire to transition or make you pause in considering transition?

In my opinion it is very important to untangle sex from gender yet see how they are also related because each impacts the other.

Do you want children and to be a parent? Do you want marriage and if so to who?

How comfortable are you using the body you have to "live in and with" ?

Does your body express who you are emotionally?

[docrobbysherry]

I believe it takes awhile for most of us to figure out who we r. And, I would not presume do advise u about yourself. As, it took me the 10 years rite after beginning dressing late in life to realize I am a CD and not a TS.

If u r not willing to see a therapist for help, or just wait and see? U mite push things up by trying to live as a woman for a time. I believe that's required before SRS anyway? U mite feel comfortable despite all the difficulties involved with the people in your life. Or, u mite decide dressing is enuff for the time being?

[Karen_the_Cutie]

thank you all for the replies! you has given me a lot to think about.

Reine and Di: you bring up very good points, but I'm not so much worried about if other people see me as a woman or a transsexual, it's more about my own inner peace. That said I am terrified at would my Dad would say, and I don't want him to stop talking to me because of it. Based off some things i've heard him say to his friends, I fear he would...but maybe thats just him trying to fit in with them? My extended family fell apart years ago, I rarely see them, and they never call to talk to me or anything. I only have a handful of friends, most of whom are very open minded people. Really I can see it working, I'm just so hesitant to tell anyone for some reason. Perhaps a fear of "is this really me? is this what I want??" i know it is, but I sometimes struggle with those thoughts..

Kelly: I think you nailed it when you said the times I am content are where there are no triggers to remind me that I am male. To answer your questions: I do not at the moment want to have children, I would love to be married, but I don't have anyone in mind. I am bisexual, so i don't think that has a lot to do with my desires? and i am not very comfortable with the body I have to live in, nor have I ever been. I'm not sure how to answer if my body describes me emotionally, I don't understand what you are asking...

Sherry: I am planning on seeing a therapist sometime soon, I think it could be very helpful. Also I have tried living as a girl when I had the house to myself for a week or so. I absolutely loved it, and felt much happier overall.

[ReineD]

Karen, speaking as a mom who is likely the same age as your dad (I have three sons, the oldest is in his late 20s), if your dad objects it will be because he will be fearful (terrified) that some harm will come to you or that you will not be happy, should you transition. Admittedly I'm speaking from the POV of being a mom, not a dad, but if you are close to your dad, his love for you is greater than you can ever imagine.

He might have a hard time with it, but if he sees that you are OK and you are surviving well emotionally and financially, eventually his fears will subside. Unless I am naive, I just can't see parents my age writing off their kids because they need to be who they are ... unless they are extremely conservative or religious.

[Karen_the_Cutie]

i never really thought of it like that. I bet he would be worried about my employment opportunities as well...there is no way I could continue my current job once i began transitioning. He is a bot conservative, but I'd like to think we are close enough he would just want me to be happy. I guess it must be pretty hard to understand if you haven't actually experienced it, or have loved ones who have already shared what they are going through and explained it all.

I think I am going to see a therapist or somebody, and try and get a better handle on if this is really going to alleviate my gender dysphoria, and then I'll go from there. :]

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Karen, I think that's a wonderful idea. If you can find a therapist who has a good reputation for helping trans folk, they will be able to help you to ask yourself the right questions.

[TeresaL]

Karen, the recommendations in this thread are very good ones. Middle pathers, bi-genders, gender fluid, or gender non-conformist are tasked too. I just returned from therapy today because I'm finding myself into one of those categories, and have felt lost because I thought transition was full speed forward with no speed bumps. But it's not true for me. The challenge is, can I (or maybe we) accept that position. Family has a lot to do with our decision as well. In my family, I'm known as transgender, and my wife has limits to how much change she can take. My adult children have discussed SRS and it would not break our bond. But it would with my wife.

Fortunately for our marriage, my path has changed. In fact, I was able to access and live in my male gender for several months duration. But I'm starting to flip or switch hard left and hard right as male and female. Though I'm bi gender, I do each gender 100%, expressing male more convincingly, and preferring female. Dang I'm mixed up. LOL

[Karen_the_Cutie]

Teresa, Thanks for the input and sharing your situation! I'm glad to hear you have support, and don't worry about feeling mixed up, I think many of us feel that way sometimes. i know I do. <3

[a1stephie]

There's a common thing we share here, is that a lot of us are mixed up! But knowing you have the support here really helps. So much experience from people that have been through from all walks of life. From what I've read, you're in good hands here

[IamSara]

Mixed up is how we all started this path. I like you tend to be more gender fluid. I know I am transsexual but for family sake at this point I stay male. I am not always unhappy as male but as my therapist told me just last week, " When you just can't take being male any longer that is the time to make REAL change, until then we continue to talk and you (me) continue to keep an open dialogue with your wife and family. If you are getting "girl" time as you tell me, then continue on and it will sort itself out in time".
I am doing that, it is hard some days when all I want is to be Sara and no more male but I get through that day and sometimes the next day is better.

[a1stephie]

I bet we can all relate to this. We've all had those days. Most of the time I'm fine with my male life as a husband and father, and I am also in tune now with the fact I need to have girl time release. In the days before I openly talked to my wife about this, we had problems and I did some stupid things. Being open about it and not denying the build up of pink fog works for me at the moment. I know for some of us the urge is a lot stronger to live our girl side. I get those days and trust me there are times I would dearly love to jus be Steph for a week. It's the nature of what we are and finding what balance works best for us that is the challenge.