Getting the itch

[mishmam32]

So....I told my wife nearly 2 years ago that I cross-dressed. I was terrified but as it turned out it wasn't so bad. All the advice I received was to give her time and her curiosity would lead to more discussion. Well in the past 2 years the subject has rarely surfaced, for the past year I've had a full beard, and I have been about as manned out as I can be but, that itch is getting strong. I feel like I'm going to implode if I don't get to shave, dress up and put on some heels. I've had a couple opportunities to put on a dress but the make-over just hasn't happened in a while and the urge is building. I'm wondering what my wifes reaction will be if I was to clean up. I think the beard is comfort for her to know I'm not CDing. Crazy how that desire to dress wont subside, its like a drug. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

[Roberta Marie]

May I suggest that, before you make any changes to your appearence, you talk them over with your wife? Before I shaved my mustache, my legs, and my chest, I talked it over with my wife. Her initial response each time was, "It's your body, you make that decision." But after some discussion I discovered that she really did have some concerns and feelings about these changes. After we talked, and she knew that I had considered her feelings, she was more at ease with the changes. I also learned that she really does like my hairy chest, so I only shave as low as I need to for the top that I'm going to be wearing, a compomise that she very much appreciates.

Taking the time to understand our wive's concerns and feelings can go a long way toward their understanding our feelings and accepting us.

Just my opinion.

[Rachel Morley]

Perhaps when you told her you cross-dressed you didn't indicate just how much this is a part of who you are (just guessing?)... if you need a point of reference click on the link below.

How To Tell Your Partner

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...l-your-partner

[docrobbysherry]

It hasn't been an issue for 2 years because u haven't dressed or made it one, Mish.

It sounds like it's GOING to be one now, tho! U NEED to talk about this with her BEFORE u start shaving, wearing, dresses and heels, and getting make overs.

Or, u may be VERY SORRY!

[AllisontheGoddess]

This is very similar to my situation with my SO. Though in the end I didn't talk to her first and shaved everything.
She flipped out. She shot so many questions at me, gave me lip. Etc. In the end it is "your body" but it could turn out like my situation and your SO might feel a certain way about it.

[Beverley Sims]

Shave the beard and see what the reaction is.

[monalisa]

Hey its hot in Florida now so you can just tell your wife you are shaving your beard so its cooler. Go to first base and stop rather than going for a home run and end up out.

[NicoleScott]

My observation over the decades is that while women change hair and makeup styles on a whim, men are stubbornly reluctant to shave off beards and mustaches. Same with me: it seemed like a major decision to shave or get a short haircut after having long hair and facial hair. We have heard from some CDers here that their wives threatened divorce if the husband shaved off a mustache or beard, while maintaining their own right to style themselves as they please. I don't think anybody needs permission to shave a beard or mustache. Shave it, Mishell, you'll be happy you did (from a CDing point of view - only you can know the relationship consequences).
"It's easier to get forgiveness than permission"

[UNDERDRESSER]

Talk to her. That's all.

[~Joanne~]

I usually disagree with most on this subject as always, except for Nicole, but it is your body and you should do with it as you see fit. Your wife never asks permission to do whatever she decides to do with her's ever so how is having a beard in 100+ degree weather fair to you? Ultimately it is YOUR choice.

[Wildaboutheels]

It's YOUR face. My advice? Trim it to half it's current length and wait a few days or a week if you can hold out. Then trim it very short and then hold out as best you can before you go smooth. Most people will more readily accept change when it is done incrementally. She'll realize that the world does not revolve around your facial hair. OR hair anywhere else. But Ones' FACE I think is a "stand alone"/separate issue. Any other shaving will require negotiation/compromise I think.

IF you had had a beard for 20 years and was part of the "reason" she fell for you she might have an argument.

[Maria 60]

It's stronger then a drug, it runs threw our veins in our blood. When you think you are finally out, it draws you back and even stronger then before.

[ReineD]

I'm wondering what my wifes reaction will be if I was to clean up. I think the beard is comfort for her to know I'm not CDing.

It's true that wives who aren't initially supportive or tolerant need time to wrap their minds around this. But, they mustn't be lulled into a false sense of security by seeing no evidence of any desire to engage in cross-gender expression, or by not being involved in any conversation about this. Your wife's attitudes will not change by themselves with NIL exposure.

Growing a beard I think was a mistake since she is getting an entirely different message through your actions than you intend. A good way to approach this now is to open the lines of communication. Don't spring a freshly shaven face on her out of the blue, since this might surprise her, knowing what she knows. You need to tell her gently that you do not like your appearance. Also, if you grew the beard to make her feel somehow safe and not threatened, you need to tell her the truth. The two of you need to hash this out before she will understand without a shadow of doubt how important it is for you to shave your face. Also, if she senses an awareness that you want to do more than you do, shaving your beard bit by bit hoping that she will not notice will be disastrous. She is not a child and she will not like being treated like one.

After the beard, it will be progress in incremental baby steps: discussion followed by action once she understands. Eventually she will need to understand the benefits you gain by the crossdressing (or feminizing your appearance), and what happens to you psychologically when you cannot do this. These discussions will need to be balanced with continual assurances that you love her and you are not, in fact, wanting to turn into a woman, that you are not doing this to attract men, and that you fully intend on continuing to be the same husband to her that you've always been.

If she is like most of the wives who have difficulty wrapping their minds around this, she will have to live with each step for awhile and see for herself that your lives are not blowing up in smoke each time you do something new. At the same time, if you have an ultimate goal in mind such as getting breast forms, wig, makeup, etc in order to go out in the mainstream, then in my opinion (although you are the best judge of this), I would forewarn her with the added assurance that you will not go farther than she feels comfortable with, providing that she promises you that she will try to stretch so that eventually you and she can be both comfortable with where you're at. I personally did not like continual surprises, not knowing where it would end, but that's me.

I was accepting of the concept from the beginning with my own SO, although she did the bulk of her changing after we met. She went from shaving just her lower legs occasionally to shaving her body all the time, plucking eyebrows, piercing her ears, laser beard removal, there was a huge increase in wardrobe for going out, she began to go out a lot and regularly, she joined social sites as her femme self and made friends to meet in person, she had photo shoots, hair coloring and female cuts, she posted pics of herself online for validation, she went to a large TG/TS conference, and as accepting as I was, I went through a phase when I felt that I was secondary in her list of priorities and that she wanted to be with lesbians or men more than me, and that she was on her way to transition.

We are not married and do not live together, so I didn't feel it was my place to say much, which looking back, was a mistake. While I did not want to seem non-supportive because I was supportive, I didn't have the language to formulate exactly what I was afraid of and what concerned me and my feeble attempts at trying to tell her how I felt made her feel as if I was being critical of her. It was a sad, sad time in our relationship and at one point I didn't know if our relationship would survive.

Of course she didn't end up wanting to transition nor was she interested in men or other women. But I'm saying all of this to illustrate that it took a lot of time with things being stable for me to reach a level of certainty that things were not going to progress as far as I thought they would, and how it looked to me based on her behaviors at the time.

Everything is OK now, my SO goes out regularly sometimes alone and sometimes with me, she is free to switch back and forth at will and I fully support this, and I no longer believe that she wants to be with other people. She has a busy schedule and just dressing to stay at home doesn't do much for her anymore, so she goes out on average twice per week. More when schedule permits, and less when she's very busy.

Hope this wasn't too much information and hope it helps.

Crazy how that desire to dress wont subside, its like a drug. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

Yes. You are like a pressure cooker with no steam vent. You do need to start working towards educating your wife (and in the process educating yourself) and having some outlets, else you might reach a point where you will convince yourself that you will want to go much further than cross-gender expression for the purpose of going out, or just staying home if you cannot see yourself going out yet.

[NicoleScott]

IF you had had a beard for 20 years and was part of the "reason" she fell for you she might have an argument.

One who invokes that argument might get it thrown back: you're not the young, slim, wrinkle-free, gray-hair-free woman I fell for.

[mishmam32]

Wow! I'm loving the feedback and advice. Believe it or not the beard was more me then her to begin with. I thought it would help the cd urge go away. One smart thing I did was not purge my collection (gets pricy). Usually I change my day to day look 2 or 3 times a year always working in a clean shave period where I can CD a little more. This was the first time I kept a beard for the entire year and like I said my wife likes it. Tonight after taking some of y'all's advice I shave it down to scruff and I'll give it a few days then take it off. I need to work up some time to talk to her about my desires. I still feel real sneaky about this even though she knows. I guess I didn't want to force this on her I wanted her to feel like nothing had changed but I also feel I didn't really make any process. Ugh how so I bring this back up?

[celeste26]

Just wait until you want electrolysis and see how she reacts then!