Three questions about SO's

[I Am Paula]

I read that the road to acceptance about transition by our SOs (in my case my wife) is similar to the stages of grief over a lost one. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
I can certainly see parallels, and my wife has been thru' them all. However, my wife goes thru' them in no particular order, revisits old favorites, and and can stay on any one for a week or more.
My wife can be totally supporting, and even optimistic about our future for a few days, then call me a freak, then weep at our prospects, and suggest a BA instead of full transition.

Any of you in commited relationships going thru' a roller caster of feelings/messages/emotions from your SO?

Also, my wife has cancer, and I'm the caregiver. She knows she could not cope without me, as she no longer drives, and has about three Drs. appts. per week, and needs help dressing, and bathing, so sometimes I think she hasn't thrown me out because she physically can't live without me. At this point our marriage is one of mutual need, not love. Do you think we stand a chance?

Final question...I promise. Can ANY loved one really understand GD, and the need to transition?

[RADER]

My wife also had her health challenges, not Cancer but Hart and liver/Kidney troubles.
She needed a walker to get around or a wheelchair for longer trips We where married
for 19+ years, the health questions only for the last 4 or 5 years.
When I first met her, I mention that I wanted a dress on TV at the time.
She laughed it off, but 2 weeks later, she asked me how many dresses I had.
Well only two skirts and tops.
So go put one on, I want to see, I did and she said we must improve your clothing style.
Over the years she did, but the only rule was to stay home, (Closet) as to not embarrass
her. so I did. On Halloween, she had me all dressed up to give candy out to the kids.
That was fun.
We loved each other to the end. Yes sex was out of the question, the last year, Doctor was
scared her hart might not take the extra strain. But that did not matter, she was still
my best buddy.
Rader

[Barbara Ella]

I do believe that unless you experience GD, most cannot truly appreciate the depth. My wife intellectually supports the LGBT ideal. She cannot, however, fully accept the T in me. She would invite transwomen over to the house, but cannot have me dressed in her presence. The personal nature of the female/male dynamic is a very difficult one to challenge successfully. She loves me, and does not want to leave me, but I fear there are limits (and I am approaching them) to her abilities to deal with me.

Barbara

[mikiSJ]

My wife knew and tolerated the CDing part of me before our marriage. Now, that I have asked for more freedom for Miki (who is not CD, but TG) we are experiencing more than a rough spot. Our 38th is next Friday and I don't know if there will be any more.

[josee]

My wife has also been on the roller coaster of emotions surrounding my transition and only very recently has come around the corner to real acceptance. Were still days away from being divorced but in the last couple of weeks she has began treating me with that respect that I sought and mentioned in a recent post.
I do know personally one couple who stayed together through transition but it is a very rare occurrence. Best of luck with yours it is tough.
I think it is nearly impossible for anyone who does not suffer from gender dysphoria to understand it. My brother a conservative Christian even said as much recently on my facebook page. He said " Jess, I hope you understand that although I don't understand everything that I love you and want you to be happy". I think this is a common sentiment.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Health issues we have had them for coming up 40 year, major depression many different meds, some i had changed a good number of times bluntly death would be from suiside pretty quick . plus other health issues life would be hell. & was Jos is on meds for life, so Jos needs those meds,

So yes there have & are Emotional issues to contend with & it did not help before or after i told Jos i was a intersexed woman. It took Jos 8 years to come to terms with me remember Jos married a surposed percived male. so you as a partner have to think you have messed her mind up taken away her life her world her lover mate, & every other detail, why you were married in the first place, & then have the ordasity to say . im a bloody woman & female. ...WHAT...your a male , well no im intersexed, .....your not a male..... well yes & no...... ohhhhh ....... so no its not a .... oh okay lets dance....sorry, its a bloody mess,

Jos has accepted, what i am more than she barganed for, Jos understands & yes we get on well, better in many ways than before, yet for now cant live with me , im not a husband , to understand another you must be like them so really for us it comes down to liveing with some understanding though never will because compleatly its so different .

Yes Jos was up & down of cause she would because how i see it is through a female eyes, i understand what its like, now had i not been intersex no i would not understand because i would not have been female,

You two are codependent well more so your Wife, i dont know you both to be able to answer the ? of do you both stand a chance , all i would say there is a need by one a bit like Jos & i for 35 years plus the other 3 as close friends or two very close women . i know i cant back away thats just not who i am i made a commitment no one can or will come inbetween us not from where i am , i can live by myself for as long as Jos is away, ill bring her back when i need to look after her, because of the issues she has,

Last ? yes i belive so i know so. i will not say every female can or male from the other side, now that ? has a proviso , To how far or how much would be only answered by the person / woman concerned, in my case Jos , there will allways be ? s there will allways be doughts as to ....why.... why you ... why us cant it be some one else, , i mean why us ....WHY....

Can i answer that, id love to i wont to . you come to a place you must stop asking why ...why me . this is the way it is, its not going away ,
so can i offer This ,

this is what we are, this is who we are, & do you wont life or the other. yes death is very attrative oh dont try & tell me different i know because iv been through it first hand to go looking down that road,

this for some is where they dont understand why we are the way we are, when people get it then they will have some idear of what we go through just to have a life & can live that live,

Ill leave you with this .

............I live life .....because i love life......i love life because i can live life..........................

It may be simple yet with out it i dont have a life.

...noeleena...

[Marleena]

Celeste in most cases the wives thought they were marrying a man. A TS person does not intentionally marry to hide the fact they are TS. It usually is repressed and when they hit the wall there is no other choice but transition. The wife does not have gender issues and this is almost impossible for them to understand. I totally get it too.

My wife knew I was TG and was okay with it. Then the GD started and she saw me going crazy trying to handle it. She had issues when her "E" levels dropped and it made her suicidal so she understood what hormones can do. She supports me with the decision to be on HRT however if I go any further with transition I'm sure that would be the end of us. I'm broke anyways so I'm basically stuck where I am and coping okay so far.

I don't think any Cisgender person can truly understand because they can never feel what we do and it just doesn't make sense to them. JMO.

What else is unfortunate is that some people within our own community (this board) don't educate themselves about TS individuals and often don't understand what is going on either.

[mary something]

Final question...I promise. Can ANY loved one really understand GD, and the need to transition?

yes, the question is whether or not they can balance that understanding with the personal discomforts they perceive they will experience. The stages of grief is not an orderly process, everyone revisits them and sometimes feels different emotions almost simultaneously.

Don't let her doubts and fears effect you if possible. What you do for your wife is admirable, not everyone would be willing to make a commitment like that. You deserve treatment and care also.

If she is capable of being optimistic for the future of the relationship for a few days at a time then I feel there is a very good chance for you guys. What does it really matter if your relationship is about mutual need? Love is a verb. Overwhelming needs from an individual will make some people run away, while others dig in deeper and do what they need to do for their loved one. Bathing, dressing, driving, and caring for her are acts of love that are much more powerful than words.

Don't let her transitory feelings make you feel doubt about yourself or the relationship. What is different between the days when she is optimistic and the days she is weeping except what's between her ears?

I think it's really good that she feels comfortable expressing herself to you as much as she does, certainly much better than if she bottled it up and then exploded later. Communication isn't always what we want to hear. Feelings are not always valid, but they certainly feel that way when they are very strong, until they change and then those new feelings seem real and valid lol.

I think that because she is working through the process while you are daily performing acts of love towards her that you guys have an excellent chance. Hang in there!

[Kimberly Kael]

...my wife goes thru' them in no particular order, revisits old favorites, and and can stay on any one for a week or more.

Different people cope with stress and loss in their own unique ways, so there's no guaranteed order or closure on the process even though there are observable themes. I suspect transition is especially challenging because she's losing you, but you're also there as a constant reminder of what she is losing.

Any of you in commited relationships going thru' a roller caster of feelings/messages/emotions from your SO?

While actively discussing transition and leading up to my social transition? Absolutely. In my case, we established a timeline together once my wife understood that this was the right choice for me. That gave her time to grieve, but put finite limits on how long she could hold on to different aspects of me.

Also, my wife has cancer, and I'm the caregiver.

That's a hard situation all around. You both have my sympathy, and I'm sure it complicates things tremendously. It means that your wife won't feel like she has a choice, but it won't stop her from having fears and a need to express them. She may well get trapped dwelling on worries if she doesn't have other ways to occupy her time. Does she have hobbies or interests she is still able to pursue? You stand a chance together so long as you're both trying to find ways to better each others' lives.

Final question...I promise. Can ANY loved one really understand GD, and the need to transition?

To be honest, I'm not sure I understand the need despite living with it myself. I do think some partners do understand to some extent. My wife spent enough time talking to other trans* individuals during Diva Las Vegas that she came away knowing how gender dysphoria affected their lives, and understanding that just ignoring it wasn't an option.