Probably An old Question

[VanTG]

What is the best way to tell people that your Transgender and going to change with or without their support? I have told only a couple people and none of them I am really close too. I am worried that if I tell my mom it would kill her and she would say they classic "Its all my fault" "Where did I go wrong" etc. The attention would be about her and not about the actual issue that its noting to do with her and its me.

I have a sibling and I know that they would write me off the books, and Im ok with that because we were never close and they are not the type to change, nor do they want to change.

Thoughts and Or suggestions.

PS. Is anyone going to the gender odyssey conference in Seattle? Im thinking of going.

[sandra-leigh]

Skywriting? Singing Telegram? One of those fake lottery cheque presentations at their work that ends with telling them "You've been served" and then when they read that all it is is you transitioning they'll be relieved that it wasn't worse? If they go to fortune tellers, have the fortune teller tell them that This Must Be? Have the local advice columnist print a letter and come out in support of transition? Send a set of those Russian nested dolls with the announcement inside, and the "hidden depths" being symbolic ?

Dang if I know ;-)

My mother isn't going to be entirely pleased, but luckily it isn't going to kill her either.

[Amy A]

With some people, I told them face to face. They tended to be the ones I knew would be cool about it. For others, who's support was vital but who's reaction was hard to predict, I sent emails with plenty of links and information, followed by face to face meetings once they had responded positively.

What you don't say in your post is whether you are financially dependent, or live with, your mother or anyone else. If you are independent and can survive without anyone's support, and you've made the decision that you are definitely going to transition, then you are going to have to tell your mother at some point, it's just up to you to make sure she has enough information to realise that this isn't her fault.

I found it easier to come out to my friends first, before my parents and employers. This way I had a support network in place in case anything went south.

Best of luck to you!

Amy

[Rianna Humble]

A few years ago there was a thread called How to tell your partner. Although parents and partners are not the same thing, I found some very useful information when preparing to tell my (then) 88 year old father.

As a lead in, I told my father that I had always known I was different to other people but that what I was going to tell him was no reflection on him or on my late mother as parents. I also stressed that there was nothing that they could have done differently when bringing me up that would have changed my gender dysphoria.

It worked for me, I hope you might find something in there that will work for you, but as always YMMV

[I Am Paula]

Here's a letter I wrote to some friends. I personalized the first paragraph to each, but the rest is cut and paste. Something like this may help if a face to face meeting is not in the cards.
Dear-------------
You get the dubious honor of getting the first of these letters, since we may be working closely together this summer. I have a few more to send over the coming months. Through some of our correspondence I've mentioned 'personal issues', that have prevented me from doing some things. I have a lot on my plate.
The next six paragrphs are going to shock you, and test our friendship. I hope you can accept.

Fifty five years ago I was born, by appearances, a healthy male child. By the time I was an adolescent, I realized that life was playing a very cruel joke on me. I was born with gender dysphoria, or, transexual. To use the cliche, which still fits to a degree, born in the wrong body. This is not a psychiatric, or medical condition. More of a birth defect, that can be corrected, but not cured. About 1 in 27,000 natal males are in this boat. Transexualism does not automatically imply gay. Transexuals can be of any sexuality, just like those content with thier gender.

You have always known me as a guy. I assure you, this was just an act, perfected by years of rehearsal. Underneith, lives a terrified, lonely, and confused woman. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to live a happy and fullfilled life is to align body and mind. After doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists all agreed, I have started hormone replacement therapy, were the testosterone based male chemistry is changed to an estrogen based lifeform. This will cause some physical feminization, but more importantly, help with mental conficts as my body and mind meld into one single feminine being. This is a long tedious process, with major changes taking a couple of years. I have openly lived as a woman for quite awhile now, only presenting as a guy when society dictates, so you may run into me in social, or business situations presenting as female. I'm still ***, the one we know and love, but my body, and presentation are different, and ***'s mind is finally properly set.

I have no idea how far my transition will go. Letting the chips fall where they may, I could someday have surgery to fully replicate a natal woman, or I may stop when the level of anxiety lessens. I realized my entire life has been a well orchestrated lie, so I'm letting some things just flow, and I'll see where it goes.

**** and I are staying together. She has come a long way in accepting me. She has seen me looking like a woman since we got married, but it's a different kettle of fish when I announced that this is not just a hobby or weird fetish, but a manifestation of who I truly am. It is shallow solace to think she has lived 17 years under a veil of falsehood, while I have had to endure 55.

'Coming out', be it as gay, transgender, or admitting you like Michael Buble, is a very difficult process. It has to be done in a certain order, with some discretion, and tact. Here I am dropping a bomb on you, then asking you be discreet. Go ahead, talk to your friends and loved ones, but if you can, say it as 'I have a friend who...' This is not a deep dark secret, and soon will be common knowledge, but in the meantime, among our mutual friends (the musical community) please let me be the one who reveals it.

This is alot to ask. If you feel disgusted, repulsed, have moral or religious objections, or if you feel you could never accept me like this, I understand. Just delete this Email, and if we see each other in social situations, just ignore me. Some people will. If you feel that this is part of the progression of life, and stay my friend, thank you very much, I will always cherish our relationship.

Celeste

[Michelle.M]

I wrote a letter, rather short (page and a half) explaining what I was doing and why. I also explained that I wasn't going to clog the letter up with too much detail, as those details could be studied online.

I sent the letters (there were only 2) by registered mail for a couple of reasons: the letter could only be delivered after being signed for by the recipient and the special handling would prevent it from being lost or misdelivered. Also, a registered letter gave me delivery confirmation so I knew the message had been received, and a letter gives the person time alone to read it, reflect on it, reread it several times (without having to deal with the awkwardness of me being right there while they're wigging out) and sleep on it and think it through before having to respond.

Worked great! News was well received.

[Nigella]

I told everyone that mattered to me and Sandra, face to face. Everyone else either found out by word of mouth or just seeing me out and about. Once I had figured out where I was going we wrote a letter, with my senior managers support, explaining to our work colleagues what was going on. At the time Sandra and I worked in the same place. I have been open with anyone that asks questions, explaining what is happening. I make it quite clear that the only thing I won't talk about is anything I consider too personal.

I guess you need to decide how personal you want the telling to be

[Chickhe]

First, think about why you are telling them. Secondly, if its not a lifestyle change, don't tell. Just go about your routine and if it comes up, just shrug your shoulders and say its nothing new, you've always done it... I believe our imagination is very powerful and can make huge issues out of things that need not be. Its what you make it out to be...

I think Eddy Murphy said it best in one of his movies, someone told him he was black, and he freaked out. Just be yourself, act shocked at anyone else's shock.

[I Am Paula]

Chickie- I think you missed that this is the transexual forum. When you transition, somebody's going to notice! Also, transition and 'lifestyle' are completely different things.

[vikki2020]

I started to tell casual acquaintances-- people from work related stores that I deal with a lot, so, they "know" me, but, not really. Clerks at the stores I shop at a lot, stuff like that. My "test tube"! It got easier, as I went along, and the reaction has been wonderful. Now--moving on to those closer to me is next, and, I think I'm ready--- and I'm starting to make my list, lol! I have to admit, I feel better with every person I tell!

[Angela Campbell]

Chickie- I think you missed that this is the transexual forum. When you transition, somebody's going to notice! Also, transition and 'lifestyle' are completely different things.

I would think the point of transition is for EVERYONE to notice.

[josee]

No matter what you say, one thing to remember for me is that it almost never goes as badly as I thought it would. People who I thought would turn their backs on me have been some of the most supportive. Of course it has gone the other way too, like with my wife.

[I Am Paula]

So far I'm at 100% acceptance from those I've come out to. A few took some time to mull it over, and I may still lose some friends, but, so far, so good.

[Alexis.j]

Lol, let it slip on facebook, or set up a facebook profile with your "new" self, it will spread like wildfire and the curious or concerned/caring individuals will probably contact you, the un supporting ones will most likely unfriend you, parents and very close relatives I would think to tell in person, its not as we really want to tell a unsupporing friend while in there company, could get uncomfortable, especially if the start insulting you...

[VanTG]

Thanks for the tips, there are numerous ways to do it and I will let you know how my experience goes! The facebook slip is a good one though.

[Rianna Humble]

So far, I have been assuming that when you said Transgender you actually meant Transsexual. If that is so, please be wary of taking up the sarcastic suggestions of someone who has no experience of what it means to transition.