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Thread: If I could go back in time..

  1. #1
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    If I could go back in time..

    I sometimes wonder where I would be today if I'd never done some of the things I've done in my past. Take that first time when you experienced putting on a pair of panties ,what drove you do do that? Have you ever wondered that if you didn't do that life would be very different for you today?

    I know as children " genders" are not fully developed and as a child my punishment was sometimes being forced to dress in my sisters clothing and maybe ( just maybe) that could have been what drove me to take that first real experience .. Or, then again, it could have been reaching the stages of "puberty" and finding that "fetish attraction" to the material and the items that you were attracted to and what they represented through those stages..

    Looking back at all the phases in my dressing and never fully understanding what they represented or meant can honestly make me wonder ..Where would I be today? I think my biggest disappointment with myself was allowing this to engulp me.. It was like having an OCD but in reverse of those with gender disorders, in other words " my dressing had no real meaning"..

    Which is why I hide it and it was why I was also ashamed of it .. ( there is no need for people with GID to be ashamed of their dressing you have a solid reason for the purpose of dressing)..There was a earlier post that suggested "porn" being relatively close to the fetish reason that promoted my need to dress..I've never thought of myself as "porn additive " and that wasn't the posters theory .. But was " in theory" what promoted me to dress and it was also similar to what promoted people to become porn addicts..

    I was addicted to "certain" clothing and material that I tied together in a sexual way at puberty, it was to me exotic and in time grew.. At first it was every so often but the exotic experience never left me or my mind. I continued to crave it until it started to consume me and my time( more often than it should) which left me to become obsessed .. It started to become frustrating because I had no femininity and I felt no femininity so after the "show" I would fill myself with guilt and anything and everything Femme would be ripped off and quickly put away back in hiding..

    Funny thing about looking back.... Was all these years I never tied this together I never new that each phase was a growing part to the addiction and that eventually it had no end sight .. I do not wanted to let it go because it has became part of me.. The puberty thrill has long past and has been replace through the phases that brought a calmer, longer experience that was a more pleasurable experience, it's embedded..

    I believe " self denial" was most responsible and the lack of reaching out for help but from what I have learned it's not uncommon and people like myself tend to keep this about us private.. I don't know where I am heading now for sure ..I do know now that I have a better understand of myself which can also give me a better understanding in how I live my life, only time will tell.. I will stick around here and hope to help as much as I can other people with similar issues I faced and try not to step on any toes of others. Maybe I can make a positive impact for those who come here seeking support and not so much fantasies ( not saying anything is wrong with fantasies they are the fun part of dressing)..

    Thank you for reading
    Last edited by Lucy_Bella; 06-14-2013 at 04:51 PM.
    I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.

  2. #2
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    "Most" here either STILL feel guilty or ashamed... [There are countless threads to support this] Or did at some time in the past. I think the guilt that "most" here suffer, most likely comes from having Os while wearing the clothes. Os are highly fun and addictive. Men are designed by Evolution to be extremely visual which allows them easy, convenient Os. FEMALE clothing items provides that visually as well as the tactile aspect. I think "many" here progress on to "fuller" dressing as a way to help alleviate that guilt. If they can dress as a woman AND pass in public, clearly they are not "mentally deficient" when/if they look in their mirrors and are "turned on" by the image. Also, IF the guilt does come from the Os, could not simply the dressing by itself and the "high" that comes from it perhaps drive the "orgasm"/sex drive aspect down? Our brains are capable of all manner of things. Being "dressed" might provide an hours long "substitute" for an O? The HIGH without the guilt?

    Unless I am mistaken, MOST men DON'T need to look at WOMENS BODIES to get an erection which of course is necessary for an O. Pictures of body PARTS work equally well. I think the math is very easy from this point and the "info" easily available in the P&V gallery pretty much backs this up.

    Of course this is simply one man's opinion but I do find it tragic that possibly many here feel guilty because of/over the basic "program" Evolution has given them.

    You are never going to find a GG accused [or likely capable of] "Slam, Bam, Thank ya Mam".

  3. #3
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    If I didn't put on that pair of panties and slip when I was four.....I would have done it the next day or maybe the day after that. Not much could have stopped it.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  4. #4
    Member Michaela42's Avatar
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    About the only advice I would give my younger self is to get over the emotional eating . . . maybe then I would not need to have my dresses made by a tent maker. 'sigh'

    /kidding
    // but not by much

  5. #5
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    If I could go back in time?

    I WOULD date that pretty, smart but crazy redhead that had a crush on me in highschool.

    I WOULDN'T have gotten married.

    And, I wouldn't have dressed alone in my closet for 10 years!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  6. #6
    Senior Member Princess Grandpa's Avatar
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    If I could go back and tell my younger self its ok...
    I don't think anything could have stopped me from putting them on then anymore than I could stop now. The difference being now I know it's ok
    A person should wear what he likes to. And not just what other folks say. A person should be who she likes to. A person's a person that way!
    ~Marlo Thomas~

  7. #7
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    If I could go back I would tell myself to put on the panties sooner, start transition sooner, go with the C cup the DD's are too damn big!

  8. #8
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
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    Simple, I'd be a woman NOW, not just starting on that trip.

  9. #9
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    Lucy

    Your dressing may have been a form of therapy for you so it would have had meaning.

    You talk about being punished so if you were "shamed" by being forced to dress as a female with the purpose of humiliating you this would be a deep violation of your "person" that leaves a shame wound that would look for healing.

    You would obsessively repeat the act in an attempt to remove the "shame wound" similar to performing an exorcism to expel a bad spirit which was always about shame but not understood in the past because of a lack of critical thinking skills but instead superstition.

    If you have ever observed someone who was sexually abused they keep repeating the sexual abuse to "control it" in an attempt to heal the humiliation experienced from the original sexual abuse.

    This is why many prostitutes who were sexually abused as children, to regain the power stolen from them use sex against others as revenge and to heal from the shaming of being "used"

    You may have crossdressed as an act of personal empowerment to overcome being disempowered through humiliation and shaming as a child.

    If so than you may actually want to be thankful because many men who are shamed by their mothers/fathers as children become extremely violent against women later in adulthood.

    Crossdressing may have kept you out of prison and prevented violence against women.
    Last edited by KellyJameson; 06-15-2013 at 06:59 PM.

  10. #10
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    I would go back and listen to the people who told me to get help for the depression/anxiety. I would accept and love myself and realize that there are many, many others like me and that we are all the product of a crazy mixture of hormones, DNA, and psychology. It has always been so easy to accept others as they are but not myself.

  11. #11
    Luv doing girl stuff CherylFlint's Avatar
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    My BIG regret is not telling two girlfriend that I’m a cross dresser. If I had things may have turned-out different.

  12. #12
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    Oh wow!! Too bad Cross dressers.com doesn't have a like button!! ..... I like every reply ..Please tell me about your experience.. I would love to hear them , lets go way back !!
    I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.

  13. #13
    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    I grew up in that generation who thought Christine Jorgensen was a freak. I was never macho, and was always trying my best to be one of the guys ... when deep down I really wanted to be one of the girls. Back then GID was pretty much not known, and I was clueless about gender identity. Did I feel guilt about getting into my mom's clothes? Probably, but it just felt right. With all of the magical powers of hindsight, sure I'd have done things differently. But then I wouldn't have married the wonderful person who has been my life partner, who accepts me as I am.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

  14. #14
    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jorja View Post
    If I could go back I would tell myself to put on the panties sooner, start transition sooner, go with the C cup the DD's are too damn big!
    Jorga, maybe there's a lesson here .. "Be careful what you wish for .. you just might get it!"
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by almostalady View Post
    If I didn't put on that pair of panties and slip when I was four.....I would have done it the next day or maybe the day after that. Not much could have stopped it.
    How very true I was feeling of the bras and panties in the store at age 4 put them on at age 7 the rest is history

  16. #16
    Silver Member Mollyanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jorja View Post
    If I could go back I would tell myself to put on the panties sooner, start transition sooner, go with the C cup the DD's are too damn big!
    COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER!!!!!!

    Molly
    "To thine own self be true"

  17. #17
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    In retrospect knowing what I know now, I probably would still have not transitioned.
    I do wonder if I missed the boat sometimes.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  18. #18
    Asphalt Angel Donna Joanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tgirlceleste View Post
    Simple, I'd be a woman NOW, not just starting on that trip.
    DITTO Celeste. After I got caught dressed when I was 18, I would have just moved to another town and started living, and not pretending to be someone I'm not for the past 36 years. But then I've always heard it said "hindsight is always 20/20".
    Namaste
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  19. #19
    Duchess of Eyeliner Erica2Sweet's Avatar
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    In the earlier days I think I was ashamed of my crossdressing activities more so because it was behavior that was contrary to what I was taught about what it was to be a male, and I thought it was a bit twisted and bizarre, but the fact that I allowed it to become such a large part of my life very well may have contributed to my feelings of shame, and of course my negative self-image. Honestly, I really haven't thought about that prior to reading the OP.

    Crossdressing was, for me, and I think is for many, escapism, pure and simple. What better way to escape feelings of embarrassment and low self-esteem when we look in the mirror at our male selves and feel shame and embarrassment about our crossdressing, than to step back into the phone booth and once again change into girl-mode? In the early days, the female person I "became" when I dressed never had to look anyone in the eye and harbor any uncomfortable secrets because she was completely and totally isolated from everyone. The fear of being ostracized led me to take any and every precaution to be sure she was untouchable with regard to the outside world. Even though she (being my second gender identity) was caged and controlled by my male self (my primary gender identity), she was able to embrace unique freedoms that I in male mode simply did not get to. I (in male mode) was the one with the embarrassing secret life, the unusual fantasies, and had to look my parents, friends, siblings, and classmates in the eye and she had no such baggage to carry. She truly lived a fantasy life, the shell of a life it was, and as we all know (or should) any time you live outside of reality, there are negative consequences.

    The escapism factor, I think, is something that a lot of us who do this don't realize is at play. It's yet another list of reasons why it feels so "relieving" to again and again revert to our femme selves - to escape the guilt, shame, and awkward internal feelings that were created by participating in the behavior that causes all of these issues. It can easily become a viscous cycle. The only way out is to either stop the dressing, which at some point leaves us feeling we're living in a state of being a broken fragment of our whole selves, or somehow gaining control over the negative feelings that the crossdressing is causing.

    As far as what I would do differently if I could go back in time... If I could take back the knowledge and wisdom I've gained, I would have actually tried to deal with my guilt and shame in an effort to rid myself of the low self-esteem and all of that those negative feelings I carried around in my youth. I know now it caused me to miss a lot of positive experiences all through my 20s which I'm sure could have been a lot more enjoyable given the opportunities I was blessed with. In reality, I know now I squandered much of that time in isolation, and I can never get that time back.

    If I was given the opportunity to go back in time but couldn't take with me what I have learned since my younger years, I'd politely yet confidently say "no thanks", because I would not want to re-live those years in the same way I did the first time around.

  20. #20
    Woman in Progress Aly Cat's Avatar
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    If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would have told my sister. She has mentioned before that she would have totally supported me had she known and would have even bought me stuff and covered for me. If that had happened, I'm sure life would have been very different for me. I would most likely have not felt that fear to be open and honest in relationships which ultimately would have lead to me not marrying my wife and potentially marrying someone else that I would have made sure accepted this part of me. Would that have made life easier? In some respects possibly. In others, possibly harder. Traveling down different paths leads to different destinations. Those destinations could be better or worse. Who are we to guess what those might be? Its fun to fantasize about sometimes, but you may not be who you are today if you had not gone through what youve been through. Never doubt yourself. Be who you are and be the amazing person God has created you and situations have molded you to be. We are all wonderful and amazing people and no matter what we think or believe, there is a plan and a destiny for our lives. Live it and walk it with your head held high.

  21. #21
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    If I went back in time to stop myself from beginning crossdressing, a time paradox would be created in that I wouldn't be who I am today, so wouldn't go back in time to stop myself. Tricky stuff, time travel. It would actually create an alternate timeline. So, in one I would be and in the other I wouldn't be CDing.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  22. #22
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    If I could go back in time, I'd bring and deliver to me a book of truths, to counter all the half truths that I stitched together in my clueless mind, like " and now you know the rest of the story, "ahh ha" moments" for a more rational " base of operation" may have formed . a book on "animal husbandry", to fill gaping holes left by " approved public schools curriculum on sex ed. ". a book on growing up in an alcoholic house hold, some ipecac for my first beer.....I might have taken 30 years off the learning curve. Also a book on business practices aimed at youth. yes it might have led to a local economic collapse , if the boundless energy were to have been paid what it was worth, and did not piss away what it was paid on instantaneous gratification.
    I should also bring back and install with out notice in many school and pubic libraries many copies of above said books .

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