Stress-induced transsexual feelings?

[GabbiSophia]

@ Kait I just saw your comment lol..for me dressing always leads to a sexual release ..call it what you will but I find myself drawn to ts woman almost obsessed with them its a turn on. I am working it out with my therapist but I can admit I am transwhatever and it is never going away. But who cares?? I do know that the more anxiety I have the.more I want to have that release and once its over I am good. I do go periods where the stress doeant even get to me. The one thing I can say is its about happiness and I so not want to change this happiness for another.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you make great point Steph..
I used to masturbate 5x a day for the same reasons you mentioned..
I thought I was "happy"... I thought in terms of trade offs...I had a 6 figure income, a lovely wife that I loved dearly...like I said, all that just paled in comparison to how much despair I felt over who I was and how I was living

over the years I have (and I am no doctor or therapist) concluded that in the end, its about intensity of feelings and quality of life
... those things are incredibly hard to quantify with any objectivity, and unfortunately its impossible to predict the future amount of intensity..

its why the old adage "don't transition unless you have" carries so much gravitas in our world.

its why for now you are clearly doing the right thing for yourself and I really respect the way you are attacking it head on and trying to make your best quality of life..

[LeaP]

...
But that's not a limbo between cd and ts...that's a limbo that was in their own minds.

What I've observed here, in group therapy and in life is that conflicted TS women tend much more to RUN AWAY from identifying as ts women ...

It is a limbo and this is well-put. I thought of myself as a "nothing" forever, really because I could never reconcile myself to the rest of the world - so I checked out. I have tried to understand myself various ways over time, and have used several different terms, including crossdresser and TG.

The sense of not fitting anywhere, of being a nothing, in limbo – didn't disappear until I started experiencing myself as female. Getting to your "stress induced" topic, that didn't happen until I passed through a really intense self examination period and identity crisis. There were several stress triggers that started all that and I'm told by my therapist that many trans people are triggered in this way, after which it all starts cascading out in a torrent.

I ran as hard as I could psychologically to avoid the implications until it became impossible to stuff the genie back into the bottle. In retrospect, this seems like a natural and understandable reaction. After all, what could be more natural than to fight this all surfacing if you've built your life on suppressing it? You run from being a woman or transsexual because when it's real as opposed to fantasy, it can be deeply disturbing and frightening, at least at first or in some ways, some going as far as to describe the identity transition as a kind of dying as the falsity falls away. I experienced it as confusion, loss and waste, cluelessness, anxiety - as if I wasn't real any longer or, more accurately, that I never had been.

From there, stress bred even more stress. Things accelerated. At some point I went from fear of being transsexual to stress over NOT being transitioned. I.e., acceptance brings its own issues and it becomes, as Kaitlyn said, about intensity.

So, "stress induced transsexual feelings"? Yes, but not in the manner I think that implied. Instead, I see stress as a trigger and a whip, forcing the breakdown (or breakthrough) and forcing the path forward as far as it needs to go. The feelings part? Nothing has been stable for me yet. Hopefully that will be the case when I reach my stopping point, wherever that is.

[Sephina]

Wow I don't know how someone could go 50+ years I know that I've gone on 29 now and I was able to "run away" from being TS simply because I did not actually know I was TS until last year for sure I had come to this realization in 2006 as well but it was easy to bury It because I was afraid of what it would mean in my life and was afraid to add any extra drama that I thought I could avoid It but it was easy to hide from what you don't know but now that I've come to terms with being TS and knowing what that means in my life I couldn't even fathom going another 20 years, stress levels and and anxiety are At all time high I can't pretend like this doesnt exist anymore.

[Angela Campbell]

You go 50 years by spending all of your energy hiding it from the world and living in fear of being found out, and telling yourself it is impossible to do anything about it. But once the box is opened you simply cannot put it back in and things escalate in a huge way that is unstoppable.

I was also told by my therapist that usually some kind of "trigger" pushes one over the edge of where they could once handle it to the place where they cannot. Yep it worked that way with me.

[Rogina B]

you make great point Steph..
I used to masturbate 5x a day for the same reasons you mentioned..
I thought I was "happy"... I thought in terms of trade offs...I had a 6 figure income, a lovely wife that I loved dearly...like I said, all that just paled in comparison to how much despair I felt over who I was and how I was living

What was "picture" in your head that happened 35 times a week? Were you seeing yourself as a beautiful girl? I wouldn't ask if you had told what was getting you off in such a dependent way..

[GabbiSophia]

What was "picture" in your head that happened 35 times a week? Were you seeing yourself as a beautiful girl? I wouldn't ask if you had told what was getting you off in such a dependent way..

The way I have come to understand it the brain finds ways to eliminate anxiety.. because at the root of it that is what it is an anxiety disorder (according to Vitale and I agree that it is that in my life). So it is a stress reliever per to say. It can control your every thought if you walk down that path as I am learning and learning to kinda shrug it off. So far so good...

You go 50 years by spending all of your energy hiding it from the world and living in fear of being found out, and telling yourself it is impossible to do anything about it. But once the box is opened you simply cannot put it back in and things escalate in a huge way that is unstoppable.

In this day and age whats it matter if people know??? to be honest I haven't told any of my friends it is just my wife and I deal it's part of the package. Yes there are days I feel like I am hiding but then I tell myself no its just none of their business. Yes opening the box is a huge deal your mind floods and your feelings over whelm but who's doesn't?? who is to say that your living a lie .. its just that your past has shaped you and here you are. I for one look at my past as a device that got me here not a predictor of where I am going. Yeah there are a lot of similarities to others stories but those are theirs .. mine isn't written. Now having all the anxiety in my mind can be overwhelming when I let despair walk in and that is where the other stresses come into play. I will say that for me personally if I didn't find happiness in my life now and here I would probably be on a different path but I understand what makes me happy so when other stresses compound the problem I becoming aware of what it is for what it is.. anxiety.. its my box and I am doing my best to get out of while understanding it.. just don't look backwards with regret that will send you off the edge faster than anything .. that much I have learned from my therapist.. oo and the feeling that you have no control of the transition is not true .. I woke up this morning and every morning with the power to say I am not transitioning today ... so that's my control and my 1 cents worth..

[Rianna Humble]

It's great for you, Steph, that your dysphoria is mild enough for you to keep it in control.

That does not give you the right to criticise those for whom transition has become a matter of survival. Just because you have not yet experienced that does not give you the right to dismiss it as fantasy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

What was "picture" in your head that happened 35 times a week? Were you seeing yourself as a beautiful girl? I wouldn't ask if you had told what was getting you off in such a dependent way..

It was simply me being a woman. I didn't consciously realize that I was either "doing something" or thinking/fantasizing/wondering about/wishing about being a woman, and the next time I could present as a woman.
I had literally no inner dialog EXCEPT a trans dialog..i barely thought about anything else...and I didn't notice it..

And so the idea that I HAD to masturbate would pop into my head at any time
My thoughts were usually centered around an idealized version of me being out in the world or a real woman that I pretended to be, often a woman that I had recently seen.

For all those years I thought this meant that it was a fetish..and I would have this thought where I considered how sad it was that I had a fetish to be something I was not..

I didn't consider the possibility that I was transsexual to be real... by meeting other transsexuals I learned that this is quite common to varying degrees and I came to terms with it

I share this about myself because its a common misconception about transsexuals that this does not happen, and it actually happens a lot.

+++++

and steph rianna is so right and you are so wrong..

SOOOOO many of us had the power to not transition for many many years..then that power disappeared...it was a brutal and scary moment when that happened for most of us..

Words don't describe it well but one way to think of it is to consider how you would feel if you didn't exist, and then had to go around 24/7 and pretend that you did, with no possible way out..every single moment, with your life energy draining out of you every single day feeling more and more trapped and empty...

if you don't feel that way, then you are lucky... but its not in your control...if it was sooooo many of us would not have transitioned, so many of us would have taken the pill to make it go away...

[GabbiSophia]

Make no mistake I am not in anyway dismissing others. I am giving my thoughts and my exp. I am sorry if you took it that way and I didn't ever say my anxiety isn't high. Isn't this a place to see multiple exp and for each person to make their own descion? I figure the police to come out on my comments but their mine and I tend to keep them there. But I know that the more stress in lifw the more I am effected and wanted to share my exp. In this subject. If I wanted to judge it would get deleted really fast.

[mary something]

I do know that the more anxiety I have the.more I want to have that release and once its over I am good.

Like Kaitlyn mentioned I think this is more common than people realize with TS folks. I've experienced this before also and was very distressed by it at the time, it made me question the authenticity of the TS feelings I was having. I was worried that there was a fetishistic aspect to my feelings that maybe was confusing me and it made me doubt and question myself.

It was really helpful to me to understand physiologically what was happening that caused me to feel relief from my TS feelings for a while after I would attain release. Basically having an orgasm shuts down the prefrontal cortex of the brain and dumps loads of serotonin and other chemicals into the brain. It was an effective way for me to make the TS feelings go away for a short time because it instantly "resets" the brain. This article explains more and links to a peer reviewed research paper on the phenomenom.
http://digitaljournal.com/article/329185

Kaitlyn's description of herself could have just as easily described me at one point in my life. I was terrified that my sexuality was broken and it would cause me to question if the feelings I had were valid. In my case I even researched and asked a Dr to prescribe an ssri that has a side effect of reducing libido. I thought that if it would make the TS feelings go away then it would be a much easier solution than transitioning, and if not then at least I would know that it wasn't just some weird sexual fetish that could ruin my life. My libido went from normal to nill, and yet the need to "become" was still there. This was a pivotal thing for me to learn and I was able to draw some conclusions about myself from this.

Sexuality is one aspect of identity. If someone has a major identity conflict between who they are and what they do but refuse to acknowledge it or live in a manner true to themselves then eventually the part of their identity that needs to be expressed will do so through their sexuality. Sexuality is part of identity. We don't control our sexuality any more than someone chooses to be attracted to boys or girls, it just is. We can repress ourselves or live in denial, but that's not an effective way of controlling our sexuality because by it's very nature our sexuality stems from the deepest parts of our brain. The BSTc region of the brain is necessary for sexual feelings http://discovermagazine.com/1996/jan...1#.UcRZk_lvO_g

If you read this article then you'll see this info midpage "The researchers chose to study the BSTc because previous research in rodents had shown that it plays a pivotal role in sexual behavior: remove it from a rat and the animal will show no interest whatsoever in sex."

I learned that I was using orgasm as a way of resetting my brain to fight the very sexual nature that shared the same physiological causation as my TS feelings.

Have you ever used Windows 98? You know how unstable that operating system could be after it had been installed for a while, constant blue screens and errors. The user would have to reboot constantly to keep the software running.

Orgasm triggers chemical processes in the brain that help us deal with feelings that can't be contained. The longer someone uses this process to relieve the feelings the less effective each time is though. That is why it starts to get out of hand, mulitple times a day are soon necessary for the same effect that once every few days used to bring.

The real question is does this make you happy and how long can you continue this and be happy?

[Rianna Humble]

Steph, I have no problem with you sharing your experience, but with respect, you did dismiss others when you said

the feeling that you have no control of the transition is not true

The fact that you have control over whether you transition proves that:

1 Your dysphoria is mild enough to keep it under control
2 You should not transition because you don't need to

But just because you don't need to transition does not mean that those of us who do need to are not telling the truth as implied by your quote

[AmandaM]

Interesting posts. But a question pops into my mind. How do you know if you have stress and anxiety because you are really transsexual in denial, or your stress and anxieties couple themselves to transgender feelings, no matter how small, and magnify them? If the former is true, you are transsexual. If the latter is true, then maybe some who seek SRS are doing it for the wrong reasons, i.e., they "think" they are TS, but aren't.

[Frances]

^^^^^The answer is therapy and lots of it.

[Badtranny]

they "think" they are TS, but aren't.

The only real barometer is transition. It's as simple as that.

You can SAY anything you want, but what you DO is the true measure of who you are. Nobody sane would transition unless they felt compelled to live that way. Most of the people who lay claim to transsexualism but can't muster the seeds to transition wouldn't even tell the guys they play basketball with on the weekends that they feel like a woman inside. They will definitely not come out at work. Only people who feel it in their hearts are able to make the commitment to dropping the dude act. People that are on the fence need to ask themselves some honest questions. Are you scared, or are you not sure? Scared is normal. Not sure means something else. I was terrified, but I knew who I was. I knew I was living a lie and I was finished with it.

A transsexual wants to come out. They want to tell the world who they are. They want to stop pretending to be something they're not. If you do not sincerely want to come out, then you need to seriously ponder why.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

One thing to remember is that this place is just a forum
Talk is cheap.

It is a very common occurrence to talk about transition and SRS here, and its really easy to talk about it as if its in your future or something you desire "someday" or "if circumstances allow it" or as something you desire but you value other things above it..

It is a very rare occurrence for people to ACTIVELY seek out SRS and actually transition when they are not transsexual....and that's because life is a lot harder than therapy and forum discussions..

[Amy A]

A transsexual wants to come out. They want to tell the world who they are. They want to stop pretending to be something they're not. If you do not sincerely want to come out, then you need to seriously ponder why.

I agree completely; I remember when I first posted in the transexual forum, when I was very confused, and I effectively asked 'Am I transexual?'. Rianna posted a reply that ran something along the lines of 'if you are too scared of loss/peoples reactions/stigma etc to transition, then you probably should'nt'.

At the time I took it in the wrong way, but she was absolutely right. In the end I was incapable of coping with people not knowing who I really am, and not being able to be who I wanted to be, so I told everyone; friends, family, employers and colleagues. I quickly realised two things: that a lot of the barriers to me living as I wanted to were in fact of my own creation, and that the thought of growing into an old man filled with regret (Inception reference there!) scared me a heck of a lot more than the prospect of transitioning, which in itself scares the **** out of me.

I lost the love of my life to this, and if there had been any other way, any path whereby I could have 'chosen' to cope with it, I would've taken it. It just quite simply got to the point where I felt I had no choice. I'm happy for those who have found a 'middle path', but it just wasn't an option for me if I wanted to live beyond 33.

[AmandaM]

The only real barometer is transition. It's as simple as that.

Really? Can it be that simple? Isn't it possible for a person who has the brain of a TS to be so petrified with fear that they never pull the trigger?

[Frances]

^^^^Yes, until it becomes overwhelming. I delayed it for 40 years.

[Kathryn Martin]

... a person who has the brain of a TS to be so petrified with fear that they never pull the trigger?

I should keep out of it, I should just keep out of it..... you know, I'll just keep out of it, phew......

[emma5410]

I do not know how many people choose to transition when they could happily continue to live as a man. I wish I had had that choice. I was terrified of transitioning and five months in I am still struggling with lots of issues. I find it hard to understand people who talk of transitioning at some point in the future. Some people seem to be in some sort of perpetual waiting room. We all have our own experiences and live our own lives I guess.
I do not think anyone who is not full time has any inkling of what transitioning involves. Believe me, taking hormones and having electrolysis while still dressing as a man for work or whatever is not transitioning.

[Badtranny]

Really? Can it be that simple? Isn't it possible for a person who has the brain of a TS to be so petrified with fear that they never pull the trigger?

Amanda I don't know what's in your brain, your heart, or your pants but you don't know any of that about me either.

Nobody knows anything about anyone beyond what they see. Do people see you? I mean, really? I transitioned because I wanted to be seen.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life hiding. It's as simple as that.

[mary something]

Really? Can it be that simple? Isn't it possible for a person who has the brain of a TS to be so petrified with fear that they never pull the trigger?

of course it is Amanda! I don't see anyone in this discussion who didn't wait to transition. Were they still a TS before they transitioned? In my opinion of course they were but that's not the crux of the matter.

Frances told you exactly what to do to help and that's find a therapist you can open up to. You need to find out if the dog is wagging it's tail or if the tail is wagging the dog.

I think that going into transition with a clear head and good understanding of yourself will help minimize a lot of problems later, if you find out that you can live a happier life simply by altering your gender expression and avoid a full transition then that would be the best solution. You gotta do what's best for YOU.

Don't worry about proving to anyone else what you are, just focus on peeling away the layers of the onion and understanding you.

You seem to be having trouble understanding the nature of feelings and that they are always subject to change. In order for us to understand who we are it's really helpful to have someone outside us to have a dialogue with so that as feelings change and flip flop back and forth it's much easier to make sense of them. A therapist is a great person for this role since you have nothing to lose by being completely honest with them.

We are not our feelings, but our feelings are an important clue to who we are.

If you decide that you can only transition when you've hit rock bottom and the other choice is death then it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy most likely if you happen to have a TS nature that is strong enough to need to transition in a hostile society.

I encourage you to get into therapy and understand yourself better so you can manage these feelings in the best way for you with the least amount of fallout later.

No one plans to fail but many fail to plan.

Try to avoid the trap of hiding and living in denial until you have to blow up your life to get enough relief to keep living. Being TS isn't like the boy scouts, there are no merit badges for people who suffer more than others. As Amy said most of the barriers that are perceived to avoid transitioning are self created. Start understanding yourself NOW and trying to find what your best solution is.

If your TS nature is strong enough then like people say you will eventually reach the point where you can't manage it anymore. There is a dangerous trap to your future happiness if you allow things to get that bad before acting because you will spend a long time after the fact justifying your actions as necessary when inside you will wonder if they really were. The GID feelings will go away and people by nature's design aren't very good at remembering pain, this creates a scenario where doubt can creep in. Work on your doubts NOW, with a therapist.

[AmandaM]

Yeah, I've been questioning myself since early childhood. I remember being 4 years old and playing with marbles. The girl marbles were turning the boy marbles into girls and they were all happy. Why would a little kid play that game? And I've crossdressed since that age. But then, the "fetish" part loomed and I became seriously fetishistic (even before puberty). Still I don't feel a great need to transition "at all times". Sometimes it looms hard on me, other times, meh. I started this thread, like lots of similar threads, in order to learn about myself by comparing notes with others. I've had therapy a few times, and still no answers. I'm not seeking a label, I'm seeking to define myself. I don't have many answers from this thread either, but it does help me solidify some inklings in my brain. So, for what it's worth, thanks for that. It does help.

[dreamer_2.0]

This is true because no one would want this. It is a huge thing in your life which is totally out of your control. Most would do anything for it not to be this way. I tried to run from it for 50 years.

This sounds about right. Having not been officially diagnosed as TS as of yet, my comments dont carry much weight, though I do know the GD is quite stress inducing. While a huge part of me wants to pursue transition, the practical side of me doesn't and wants these thoughts, feelings, and stressors to disappear. Mere CDing helps a bit but actually exacerbates the GD because these clothes aren't meant for males. Looking in the mirror is a painful reminder of that...yet I continue to do it (the dressing, but avoiding mirrors).

I want to be female, not a male wanting to be female.

Guess I'm in the running from, denial, ashamed, stage (assuming I'm TS, but I don't know anything for certain). Fortunately though, my therapist has referred me to a specialist. unfortunately though, our first appointment is a couple weeks away. Until then the stress continues. Actually, it'll probably continue for a long time.

I really enjoy reading other people's posts in threads like this. It's nice hearing the commonalities between us and knowing we aren't alone.