Feeling guilty. Anyone else experience something like this?

[cdona20]

So I found out I have Klienfelter's Syndrome. I am intersex with XXY chromosomes. My hormone specialist got me a karyotype after my 7 and a half month followup citing my fast progress as well as symptoms she gleaned from asking me questions about my childhood and puberty.. She figured it would be medically relevant as it would reveal if I have a heightened risk for conditions such as breast cancer.

I read up on the condition before I got the results. It seemed to describe alot about me. I just prayed that it would show my chromosomes were normal.That wasn't the case. Afterwards I felt a large amount of guilt. I knew my transition so far had been smooth. I knew for the most part I passed in public as I was living full time 8 months before I started HRT without a single incident in my conservative, military town. But for the most part I thought it was because I worked hard on blending in. I thought my skill with makeup, voice and body language contributed to a large part of my success so far.. It was something I was proud of.

But now, I found out a good portion of my transition came down to dumb luck. People sometimes tell me in trans circles that they look up to me, that I am an inspiration. But I don't deserve any of that

The only bright side I see to my condition is that I no longer feel bad for not banking any sperm as I was probably infertile anyway.

Has anyone else had a reason outside of their control that has made their transition easier than most. And has knowing of this reason made you feel guilty, or do you feel something else having attained th9is knowledge?

[Angela Campbell]

I have been wondering about this for myself. I look like I have been on hormones a while, in fact a week ago when I went to the Dr to get my first prescription he asked me several times if I was on hormones. (I wasn't)

[Barbara Ella]

Christie......I cannot add anything about something uncontrollable making my transition easier, but i can comment on your feelings about your situation. YES YOU DO DESERVE THEIR FEELINGS. It does not matter whether you feel you have done anything or not, your life has put in a position, and you made that position your own...YOU...

I am very insecure, and have extremely low self esteem, and have seen very little worth in myself, although i do try my best in all situations. In my professional life I have received praise, and others have told me I am responsible for helping them get where they are today. I know it was their hard work, and I was merely there for them. But if I had not been there for them, who knows what would have happened, so i feel better

Thank god you are there for them and are presenting such a positive model. Absolutely nothing there to feel guilt about. you can only do what you can do, and the results are beyond your/my interpretation. Don't ever stop being yourself. Stay the course.

Barbara

[noeleena]

HI,

Feeling guilty about myself never, i knew at age 10 what i was & knew i would live life as a woman when i was growing up. im not trans so never transioned never dressed ether for that matter, some of us are different, How we react will be different for each one when your both male female in some ways well most its easyer,
Yet some of our issues are quite different as well our own hormones can help or hinder that depends again on the person, had they known or put I T on my birth cert that would have saved a lot of issues, dont matter now of cause, im just a female / woman.

...noeleena...

[melissaK]

So I found out I have Klienfelter's Syndrome. . . . But now, I found out a good portion of my transition came down to dumb luck. . . . But I don't deserve any of that . . . The only bright side I see to my condition is that I no longer feel bad for not banking any sperm as I was probably infertile anyway.

Sweetie! Are you sure its guilt? I mean this is kind of a bombshell in the middle of your understanding of yourself. I mean all of us in this gender muddle work so hard at self acceptance, and we all harbor some thoughts about why we don't fit in. And this news just changes all your frames of reference in a big way. You could well be feeling various feelings from the grieving process because the old you, the one you thought you had a handle on after years of work, was in a very real sense just unceremoniously replaced!

Maybe you should give yourself some time to adjust to this. You could have a lot of feelings running for a while. Check in with your therapist for sure.

[Michelle.M]

Has anyone else had a reason outside of their control that has made their transition easier than most. And has knowing of this reason made you feel guilty, or do you feel something else having attained th9is knowledge?

When I began HRT my doctor asked me if I had been self-medicating. Standard question; he needed to know going in what my hormone profile was like. "Of course not" I said "that's dangerous and stupid!" When he got the baseline (pre-hormones) lab tests back he challenged my earlier answer to the question. His look made it clear that he thought I had lied to him. My estradiol level was very high; it was pre-menopuase genetic woman level. The only thing preventing my body from feminizing itself was that I had a healthy male level of testosterone keeping the estradiol in check.

I was thrilled! This seemed to explain quite a few things I had been wondering about myself all those years, and it made me feel much better about my decision to transition. To me, this was a real confirmation of my own unscientific belief that something was amiss, and although before this I had a few doubts about my path from that point on I never had any doubts about transitioning.

In retrospect, my doctor probably could have just put me on spiro and let my own endocrine system do the rest. When I moved and changed doctors the new one upped my spiro and my physical development took off like a rocket!

No guilt required. You are as you have been created. Your transition path will merely confirm that.

[I Am Paula]

The goal of any transwoman is to fix a defect. That it all you're doing. You may have a slight edge on most of us, but the goal is the same. Guilty? Hell no, just consider it a head start. We take what we've got, and do our best with it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

being guilty is a common feeling and I guess this genetic info made your guilt rise to the top...

I didn't transition until I was 47...one thing that brought me to the point of transition was that I made and saved a lot of money...I could easily finance my procedures...I felt a great deal of guilt over this...I felt bad for others that were not so lucky..

in the end I decided F*#K Guilt...I hope you decide the same thing..

[Badtranny]

This is funny. I totally get what you're saying but don't waste any perfectly good guilt on the roll of your dice.

We all have our own "El Guapo's" and I have plenty,

Some girls have incredible success with HRT. I didn't.
Some girls take a few laser treatments and their facial hair is GONE. I think mine will be around forever.
Some girls get a nose job and come out looking like a GG. I've had a LOT of work done and I still need more.
Some girls are tiny with tiny feet. I'm 5'11 and built sturdy like an athlete.

...I could go on but I would need some wine.

On the plus side I also have small hands, small wrists, no apple, and decent skin. Most of my problems can be remedied or mitigated by surgeries and I have a decent job so those procedures are available within a reasonable amount of time. Should I feel guilty because of the positives? Should I feel badly because of the negatives? Of course not. The best thing any of us can do is be grateful for the good, and make the best of the bad.

Having said that, I've always thought you were kind of a bitch cuz you were so pretty, so that's probably not gonna change. :-)

[Serana]

I did happen to have an experience that made me guilty, and for a fair portion of time.

A friend of mine, who was very determined to start on hormones (M2F), was constantly telling me how she was jealous of how good I looked or sounded, and that she thought she'd never be as good as I was, and how I was always so skinny.

Personally, besides taking any nice words with a pinch of salt, it always left a pang of guilt that I was lucky to be of a not too tall height (5'7") and that I had a somewhat feminine face and frame for the most part. I worked hard on my voice to make it the best I could, and I put "some" effort into makeup, as I really didn't need it to pass in the street (THAT lucky, I'm also pretty lax/lazy about makeup outside of foundation and eyeliner).

As I say though, it left me feeling guilty for a long time about how lucky I was compared to a lot of people that probably put in much much more effort than myself and probably deserved to be much more beautiful than me for the hard work they had put into it, and still do put into it.

I've never really been part of a trans circle, so much as I happened to have bumped into a fair number of trans people in my walk through life, and made of most of them; quite good friends, and there was always the compliments, from walks of both transition(er)s.

Just like you, it just came down to dumb luck, like you said. However, you should make use of that dumb luck and be the best person you can be. A fair bit of modesty is always a nice thing to keep around, I think.

Though I don't think you should feel guilty, much in the same way I shouldn't have. Unfortunately, it's a very normal human emotion. It also shows you're empathic, which is a wonderful trait to have.

Because mine wasn't any real attained knowledge, I suppose I just feel guilty for the luck of the draw I was given. But this was completely out of your control, and from what it seems, you do work very very hard to be the best YOU that you can be. So I feel the praise is well deserved. As long as your proud of yourself, then there should be no reason to feel guilty.

Besides, there are two sides to the coin, like you said. I'd quite happily stay as I am than change it and have XXY chromosoms or such; because of the heightened risk to breast cancer, and other things I can imagine.

Your "fortune" came at a price, so there should be no reason to feel guilty about it, when there are negative aspects to it.

Oh yeah, BT, I have biiig hands. Like... oh my god, I would happily exchange my hands for something smaller, like a set of dustbin lids or something :P