"I wanted to be seen.
I didn't want to spend the rest of my life hiding.
It's as simple as that."
Badtranny posted that, in responding to posts on a thread Kathryn bit her lower lip off in support of her resolve to stay out of, and I thought it was pithy and succinct (a way of writing Badtranny excels at, and one which I envy).
I'm in "gender fluid" middle earth. I'm pretty happy right now, gender dysphoria has fled, and I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. But I can't help but wonder how, or why, this is working for me. And in those ruminations, I have noticed that in getting here, and in being here, "being seen" is a really big deal to me and it has played a big role.
I am ok here in gender fluid land because first and foremost my wife, my long time significant other, found it within herself to accept "me." She "sees" "me" and acknowledges "me." The analogy to the movie Avatar where Nateri "sees" Jake despite him being in his human form is very apropos. My wife looked at me struggling with my image in a mirror one day and took my head in her hands and turned my face to hers and said "Stop looking in the mirror for your affirmation, look in my eyes and know that I see you." It was a hugely romantic thing for her to say, but she does "see" "me," and in our time together she acts like she sees me, and it makes all the difference.
(I think it helps me greatly that my sexual orientation is lesbian, always has been, as this orientation means its less important that what's in my pants gets changed. I don't necessarily need to change to make a physical accommodation for a sex partner, and my wife who isn't lesbian in orientation is happy enough without the in the pants change).
And, living in the gender fluid middle, I need some way for others to not automatically cast me into maledom upon sight. So long hair has been a huge help. It stalls most everyone's assessment of me, at least for a moment - and they then check my clothes and other accoutrements of appearance for more cues as they try to assess me, and they will find pants or blouse or something that is cross gender - and I know that in that moment they get a glimpse of "me."
So far it's been enough. . . but getting "seen" to some degree has been essential . . .
How much we must "be seen" to find some contentment seems to me to be an individual thing . . .
Am I on the right track?