Your SO is with ALL of you, not just 1/2

[CherylFlint]

I was up front with my SO. On our first date I told her I dressed to relax, it was something that I enjoyed doing and it was a part of me and I had no intention of being “cured”. Take it or leave it.
She took it. Six months later we married and, from the very start, she’d pick out what she wants me to wear that night. It used to be every night but she has me dress on weekends now.
She takes me to wig stores and chooses the wig.
We go to many thrift and consignment stores together.
All in all, it’s been a LOT of fun.
So, reading what you girls write, I can’t believe some of you “sneak” around and “hide”. I couldn’t live like that and I think it’s the same as lying to your SO. You wouldn’t like it if she lied to you so what’s the excuse for the “double standard”?
If she can’t deal with your dressing, she’s the wrong SO for you.
I don’t see how ANYONE can justify the sneaking and having a “stash”.
Please explain yourselves if you are one of the ’fraidy cats why you’re lying to your SO.
My wife and I would each like to know.
THIS IS AN ADDED EDIT:
Look, I’m sorry if I got anyone upset, I don’t mean to. It may be true that my wife is not of the ordinary, although she says “if you love someone, you love all of them”.
That said, Cding doesn’t hurt anyone and if anyone gets bent out of shape and freak out over it, maybe there’s more to the story than meets the eye.
But those who have commented, thank you for taking the time to help us understand.
Cheryl
ps, married for 15 years.

[Princess Grandpa]

In principle, I totally agree with you. We are still married because we don't sneak around. Practically however, if she weren't there when I came to understand what I had been hiding from all those years I don't know I could ever come clean about it. I would probably try to suppress my needs. When I couldn't resist I would be so wracked with guilt depression would set in. Still I wouldn't be able. Eventually she would catch me and my worst fears would come to life.

One has to be extremely comfortable and confident in themselves and willing to give up everything to come clean. Fear can be paralyzing.

[mikiSJ]

Cheryl, I think you have to admit that your relationship with your wife is not typical of what most of the married, or with SO, CD/TGers here experience.

I was upfront with my second wife (38 years last Friday) and I would say she is with 3/4s of me. My wife only knew I CDed before we married, and I only came to know about Miki a year ago.

She is tolerant of Miki and I keep Miki out of the house. I usually give notice when Miki is going to be out, but it as often as I want.

[reb.femme]

If SOs didn't have secrets from each other, history and this site would not be littered with tales of woe and divorce. Unfortunately, this is the human condition. This is not a sly, back handed way of having a swipe at you Cheryl, just a Devil's Advocate stance.

Moral high ground is wonderful if that person is whiter than white, but rarely are humans built that way. I'm not religious but I love the old quote of "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Apologies if I'm not exactly correct in the referencing but the moral of the story stands the test of time. People will have their own reasons for holding back on their 'hobby' and quite honestly I think no worse of them for it. It's their life and I really couldn't give a fig.

I am me and make no apologies to people outside of my family for my decisions, other than if my decisions impact upon them. Just for clarity, I am out to my wife but only since last year.

Rebecca

[Brynna M]

It an interesting problem. I had no hesitation telling my girlfriend now my fiance that I studied karate, played video games, liked Japanese cartoons... but I didn't come clean about crossdressing until she caught me on this site. we quicly went to a DADT relationship. I think it has something to do with lack of acceptance of ourselves at the start of a relationship and not wanting to reveal the lies later for fear of loosing someone we love.

I say that I accept myself but thats not entirely true. I accept that this is part of me that will never go away. I don't think I have completely accepted that crossdressing is a "perfectly ok" part of me like karate or video games that should be accepted even if its not my partners ideal. I live that way because I don't want to loose someone I love and I'm not convinced in my heart that she will or really should be expected to love the crossdresser in me.

[~Joanne~]

You have to take into consideration that for a lot of CD's there is a great, long period of denile. For a lot of us, we start a relationship thinking that the relationship itself will be enough to make us stop dressing which for a while it may but it never lasts. With the way society thinks, we tend to bury it as far down as we possibly can hoping that we can be "normal" and have a relationship without ever having to divulge this information.

As time passes we find that it comes back, again and again, and usually harder than it left. To ease our own personal suffering, because again we haven't "accepted" this part of our own being, we dress privately when no one is home or around and keep our clothes and such privately put away where they can't be found.

By time we do accept that this is who we are, usually your deep into a relationship and you really don't know how to bring this to the table though you really want to as you do feel a lot of guilt that your lying to your SO. We call this being in the closet. Some of us never will leave that closet due to uncontrollable fear.

Now, if I were to leave my SO, which will never happen because she is very accepting, supportive, and understanding of this, I would most certainly tell my future SO about this before I started the relationship because now I accept this fully and know I will never be able to change and would never want to. I am pretty sure that most girls here do not go out of their way to be deceptive. They didn't start out wanting to lie to their SO's. Had they known where the road was leading them, had they known there was "no cure", Had they known they wouldn't be able to stop dressing, Had they fully accept this as being part of who they are, I am sure they would have been up front with it from the beginning. Unfortunately for a lot of us, this just wasn't the case.

I am glad that You were brave enough to be up front with your wife from the start but I am curious, is this your first wife? what age did you get married? How many relationships did you have before you became this brave, or fully accepted yourself, that you did exactly the same as the rest of us?

Please do not jump on the band wagon and try to crucify those that haven't been up front with their SO's. Each girl has different circumstances, different fears, and have yet to fully accept this unconditionally themselves let alone tell someone else. I am not saying it's right to lie, but is it lying when you just don't "know" ?

[Tara D. Rose]

There are very good reasons as to why some cd's do not tell, even the ones that are on here and do not disclose this side of us to our wives, do read stories of wives leaving as a result of disclosure, and thus, do not tell their wives for the fear of losing them. I can understand that. Some may love and need their wives so much, that yes, they will keep this side of them a secret forever. There are those marriages of 30 plus years or so and the wife doesn't know. Should the cd tell now? Those are the cd's that grew up in the 50's where this was a horrible taboo. These wives in those long term marriages, grew up in that same era where this was a marriage killer.

I agree with the op that it should be disclosed at the beginning of a relationship and or marriage. So when two people get together and are thinking about marriage, why heck yes, it's time to tell, she may leave the cd, and they may not get married. She may tell all of the friends. But at least he was honest, and if she does leave him because of the cd'ing, then he will not have a failed marriage as a result of disclosure. In today's times whether young or old, when a man meets a woman and thinks of becoming married, they have this site and so much other information on this topic to help everyone understand, and so, it is right that the cd disclose the cross dressing especially even more so with so much help to define cross dressing.

Things are different today than those that married in 1959 or 1962. For some cd's that have been married for a long amount of time, in some and not all of these marriages, the husband is the best one to know how the wife will react, especially the long term marriages where they know just how they will respond to almost anything. So the husband doesn't want to lose his wife in some cases, so he never tells. We read of divorces on here a lot by the husband disclosing. If they dress only sometimes and they have a happy marriage and he knows she will want divorce in his heart, should he tell anyway, knowing she will leave?

But this is different to ones meeting these days, yes, tell it all. Tell everything about this to someone new. Even still, she can ruin his life by telling the world. It will be a fact, that after he tells his wife to be, regardless of what she does with it, she will always have something over him. We even read of divorces where the wife has known for years and years, and then gets a divorce for other reasons, but then claim, it is the cross dressing. We have read these many times on here. it works for some and not for others. So I say, yes always tell before marriage, and maybe after marriage, but not in all marriages.
Younger people especially have an advantage in this, for they are more open to diversity and acceptance at 20 to 25 years old than what the 55 plus age group is or grew up.

I'm not disagreeing with anyone here. I just feel that to ALWAYS disclose is not ALWAYS the (right,best) thing to do in a long term marriage. Some husbands did tell and lost their wives, then live with regret and pain. Some CD's read stories on here of divorces, and may say to themselves, well I better just keep on keeping this my secret, for I need her more in my life this way, than for her to be gone. Sometimes they disclose, and all is well. There are many married cd's that do know without a doubt that there wives would not only leave them for it, but would ruin the cd's life by telling the whole world around him. Should this cd tell his wife? Not every wife is okay with it, some tolerate it with DADT, there's one cd on here now that is now separated because he told his wife. Is there something our wives have kept secret from us for the whole marriage? My wife knows all about me. But I do understand if a cd must keep it a secret. I wouldn't call the CD a 'fraidy cat, that chooses for good reason not to tell,, or just because it works for others. If ALL the cd's on here that are living in secrecy of their cross dressing from their wives, took the magic pill that made them tell everything about their cd'ing to their wives tonight, then tomorrow we would see a lot of threads entitled: "Told my wife last night, she left" There are already many threads on here just like that.

For a lot of cd's in the world not just on here but all around the world are in such positions in their relationships, not me of course but some CD's are damned if they do tell and damned if they don't tell. I support both sides of the coin so to speak, I applaud the ones that tell and all is good, I applaud the ones that must keep it secret for whatever good reasons.
Sometimes the price of disclosure can cause greater pain than a clear conscience. Just my 2 cents worth.
Peace and Love,Tara

[Leona]

You have to take into consideration that for a lot of CD's there is a great, long period of denile. For a lot of us, we start a relationship thinking that the relationship itself will be enough to make us stop dressing which for a while it may but it never lasts. With the way society thinks, we tend to bury it as far down as we possibly can hoping that we can be "normal" and have a relationship without ever having to divulge this information.

Indeed, it was through the process of dressing up with my wife (then-fiance) that I came to accept myself. But I had certainly been wearing her clothes secretly from time to time already. It didn't take long after I came out to (first me and then) her before we started buying my own clothes. Now, the step-daughter gave me a cute blue cloudy scarf for Father's Day.

[Jacqueline Winona]

First and foremost, give your wife a ton of affection, you hit the lottery with her. Unfortunately most of us are never going to find a wife who participates in dressing, encourages it, or directs it (assuming you're into that.) The best most of us can hope for is the classic out of sight, out of mind/DADT.) Telling all is a liberating experience for the CD, but not necessarily for the wife or the marriage. Most women do not like their husbands or SO dressing, even if they are fine with others doing it, and that is why you see the "sneaking and hiding" as you put it. And I firmly believe that many would prefer to not to know when their husband is dressing.
Think of it this way- you either risk losing your marriage, or you keep this part of your life to yourself. If you can't have it all (full disclosure, happy and healthy marriage), what do you choose? Especially if you do this just once in a while, don't spend that much money on clothes, etc. and have a great marriage in all other respects. Now if dressing is something you have to do every day, or if you want to live your life en femme more than as a guy, I'd probably agree with those who are talking full disclosure. But not everyone here wants or needs to be feminine all the time.
I'm really happy for anyone who has a wife who is so understanding that she can truly interact with them while dressing. But I don't judge those who do what they have to do to keep their family happy.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm sorry, Cheryl. I can't congratulate u just yet. Because u omitted the most important part of u and your SO's situation. How long you've been married?

If it's been 7 years or over, then congratulations r in order! If it's under 7, u MAY still be in your "honeymoon" phase. In that case, instead of congratulations, I wish u lots of luck!

[Wildaboutheels]

Clearly, you are one of the MANY confused individuals that water here on a regular basis and wrongfully ASSUME that ALL Cders are created equal and that every CDer needs/wants/should share with the SO. That's every bit as silly as claiming that EVERY female or EVERY male is alike. How many different acronyms are kicked around/argued about HERE at a CDing Forum on an almost daily basis? WHY do you think there are so many different acronyms?

REALITY? Everyone has dealbreakers.

And there IS at least some truth in "out of sight, out of mind".

[Barbara Ella]

While I favor the act of bringing a loved one into the inner circle, that is definitely not for everyone, nor should it be. Sharing something with the potential to be devastating is strictly on an individual assessment level. A wife who finds this out, and reads to become educated about what a crossdresser is will quickly become inundated with the stories of how a CD progresses to transgender, to gender fluid, to transexual. This progression does not hold for everyone, but you are then fighting their inner mental processes, and their perceived impact of your being a TS on the quality of life. This overbearing thought can stretch the "true love" and break it very easily. It is not a simple coming out, there will be a long term education and reassurance of just who you really are.

In my case I have devastated my wife. After 42 years of marriage, and only 3 months after my discovery that I was a crossdresser, she was thrown into the middle of this. The impact on her future, or the perceived impact was too much for her to handle, and she supports me but cannot have anything to do with the dressing, and our retirement has been thrown into disarray, or potential disarray, if I progress further. To my dismay, I have progressed. She senses this, but we have not discussed it to date as I see the anguish in her eyes when we get close to discussing something as simple as merely dressing.

Everyone's flavor is different, that is a great thing about us, but also the thing that makes a one size fits all decision process so unsuccessful. I am glad that you have something that works. Hug your wife, and treasure her.

Barbara

[Beverley Sims]

Cheryl,
Situstions and any honeymoon period do change over time.
One rule of thumb is never push the boundaries too far or fast.
This can sour the situation.
If things are going down hill back off a little so as fresh and interesting thoughts can come into play.
First and foremost whatever the titillation or attractiveness of your intimate life....





Your wife thinks she married a man.

"Never destroy that illusion."

[Stephanie47]

As a senior I really get a little peeved at some of the advice and observations made on this forum. It's seems for some it's a "one size fits all" situation. Several of the respondents have already expressed the majority of my opinions. I just wonder how many marriages have been destroyed because members and readers have followed some of this advice and initiated "the talk?" Each relationship is unique. Each woman is unique.

I'm sure you have made mistakes and bad choices over the decades. I went back and read some of your posts. You met your wife on AOL LOVE and disclosed you're a cross dresser. She participates with you and encourages you. Fine.

I also read that you took a break from cross dressing for six years. Short of military service on a submarine for six years or going on Navy Seal forays, that's a long time for a cross dresser to give up who he feel he is. You also purged several times. Did you outgrow your wardrobe, lose too much weight, or have the emotional baggage many cross dressers have or have had in their lives. Just wondering.

I am not trying to be mean, but, I really get tired of all this bullcrap about deceit and lying by omission.

[Leona]

I definitely feel like if my wife and I split up for any reason, then I will tell any future girlfriend and have that talk, and if it's a dealbreaker for her, I'll make sure that happens before either of us is too emotionally invested in our relationship. I'd rather get dumped after dating for 3 months than divorce any day of the week.

[CherylFlint]

15 years married

[noeleena]

Hi,

And again not all of us have the same issues because of our body differences, hormones & such like, im comeing up 66 years & going back to the time i was born just after the 2 ww even if we had know the words to explain what we were, we would have been carrted off to the nuthouse. done over with elc shock meds & what other demonic what evers ,

would any one open thier mouth & say im this or that, no bloody way. i know too many cases of people who went through that , In fact i was scared stiff i would see that van pullup one day, sorry its not a story its too bloody true, & was real.

It distroyed thier life destroyed thier mind.... hells bells..... we had to keep shut tight our mouth , i was told by my Mom if your so much as different in any way the men in white coats would arrive in thier white van & take you away , so is it any wonder that fear was instilled in me so young.

What the hell could i say hey Mom im intersexed ............. sorry hey this is real life & i lived in those times .

I told Jos what i was, after 24 years of marrage, we'v known each other comeing up 40 years married 35, yes im mad insane as well. yet i have my own mind i have a life because i shut my mouth long enough to get to an age i could tell someone years later im an insane bloody female, thats bent.

Yea well we love each other had our marrage anuuld live apart for now love our family of 16 of us with two more grandkids comeing we have 3 grownup adults .

I would never have had bugger all had i said im .......... look what i would have missed out on hey not perfect far from it yet we together have had a life together, well still have in some ways,

...noeleena...

[charlene#2]

tara i totally agree with all that you said,every ones situation is always a little different.i told my wife after we were married for about 6 or 7 years,she has always been open minded and we had fun with it for a number of years,she never stopped me from buying anything femme for myself and a lot of the time she encourged buying certain items.since that time i have always worn panties 100% of the time and she washes them with hers dried and folded back in my dresser with the rest of my panties.there are some gg,s that have a different outlook on crossdressing and do not think that it is a bad thing that their men would want to wear womens clothes,then there are others that all of a sudden when they find out, they decide that their mate has just commitited the worst crime ever.i believe its in the persons up bringing,how the person was raised and taught right from wrong,as to how they accept or not accept crossdressing.some people are just to uptight,just my thoughts

[Joanne f]

Unfortunately this is not a subject that is as straight forward as it should be , yes you are right in a fair world you should be able to be straight and upfront with your wife/so and most GGs will agree with you on that but it is not a fair world as when you are a bit different to other people in ways that some find distasteful and unacceptable you start to get complications, some GGs will say that they would have accepted it right from the start if they had been told yet most will also say that you have to keep it from the children, extended family and friends , so what is that telling a CD apart from you have to hide it so until there is complete acceptance by all for all some will feel like it is much safer to stay in the closet .
I am completely open with my wife but I do understand why some cannot be or are fearful of being open as they may know their wives/so far better than I do so it would be wrong for me to tell them to be completely open with them as there are so many other factors to be taken into account and they are all different for different relationships but at least on here all can see that there are a great deal of advantages for being open as long as you are honest with it and not use it in the wrong way or to be used against that person , not all of society accepts so all as you need to remember is that everyone is a part of that society ,you,me wives,so , children, family ,friends ,work colleagues and the rest of the 7 billion people it's just a matter of knowing who you can trust .

[NicoleScott]

I can’t believe some of you “sneak” around and “hide”. I couldn’t live like that and I think it’s the same as lying to your SO. You wouldn’t like it if she lied to you so what’s the excuse for the “double standard”?
If she can’t deal with your dressing, she’s the wrong SO for you.
I don’t see how ANYONE can justify the sneaking and having a “stash”.
Please explain yourselves if you are one of the ’fraidy cats why you’re lying to your SO.
My wife and I would each like to know.

There's nothing wrong with inquiring as to why others do as they do. So you should just ask, instead of passing judgement on others for not having it as good as you. Because some of us don't have the open relationship that you do, we're described as lying sneaking hiding fraidy-cats with a double standard and the wrong SO. And you want an explanation? I'd give you one if I thought it might change your snobbish attitude.

[Claire Cook]

We certainly have agreement here that there is no "one size fits all"; so much depends on the individuals involved. Cheryl, you and others like myself are so lucky to have understanding wives or SO's, but we shouldn't be critical of those whose relationships would be seriously threatened by disclosure.

[linda allen]

There is no "one size fits all" here. If you are dating someone and tell her about your dressing and she is revolted by it, it's pretty easy to move on and nobody gets hurt.

Some of us may have dressed once in a while in our younger years but felt the need to do more as we grew older. After, say 30 years of marriage, or with a few young children, it becomes a very big risk to "come out" to your wife. You have a lot to lose. Your family, your home, your cars, boat, etc.

There are different ways of bringing this up. I chose not to sit my wife down after 30 years and say "Honey, I'm a crossdresser." or just walk into the room fully dressed one day. I chose to ease into it and judge her reaction. Specifically, one day I jokingly put on one of her old bras in front of her. I told her it felt good. Then I added panties later that day. I took her clothes shopping and went into the dressing room with her. She had two blouses so while she was putting one on, I put the other on. Then it was buying blouses, skirts, shoes, etc.

Fast forward to the present and I have a closet full of female clothes, shoes, forms, wig, etc. She is not thrilled, but she accepts it.

[Leslie Langford]

I think that Joanne and Tara have hit the nail right on the head with their observations regarding supportive/non-supportive wives, the reasons why some of us (especially the senior members) did not divulge this part of ourselves to our wives in a timely manner, and the pitfalls in revealing our true selves when we finally do so. These points fully mirror my own situation, and there is much wisdom and good advice contained in their posts. I fully agree that "one size doesn't fit all", and that despite how well we might think we know our wives or SO's, the outcome of such a disclosure can sometimes be a total crap shoot, with winner take all.

But what I haven't seen in this thread so far has been any reference to the reality that for many wives or SO's, the fact that her partner might have hidden this from her for so long is a huge deception/trust issue, and that this is often a far bigger deal for her than the crossdressing itself. That, and the difference between willingly "outing" oneself to come clean and initiate a discussion around one's crossdressing and gender identity issues as opposed to being "caught in that act" - thereby dropping this bombshell on one's loved one in the worst possible way, and which can significantly impact the way she processes and handles this information in the long run.

I speak from first-hand experience, as my wife found out about my crossdressing in a less-than-ideal manner over 30 years ago, and during an era when crossdressing was still considered to be something that was only indulged in by "weirdos" and "perverts". It is a truly a testament to her that she has stood by me all these years and even managed to come to terms with this side of me to some degree, given her strong feelings surrounding it. Ironically, even though we are still fundamentally in a DADT relationship, my wife's stance has actually softened a bit in the past year as her retirement from work approaches, along with a realization we are getting too old to continue fighting this protracted battle, and that it may finally be time to live and let live.

Still, it pains me that while she often tells me how much she loves me, couldn't imagine life without me, and has never met anyone else she would rather have married - there remains an (unspoken) side of me that she finds repulsive and is generally a "no fly zone" when it comes to either acknowledging it or even bringing it up in a conversation.

So to the OP's point - I am flattered and honored that my wife is still so deeply attached to my "guy" side, but the reality is that this is only 1/2 of me, and I am forced to live a less-than-authentic life as the price of admission for participating in an otherwise "normal" life replete with wife, children, and grandchildren - none of whom I could bear to be without if I ever had to make that choice.

So far, I am managing to keep a lid on all of this, but I just hope that one day this house of cards doesn't come tumbling down around my ears and I sink into a deep depression as a result...

[kimdl93]

As others have said, I agree in principle and by experience. My wife doesn't go so far as to pick my clothes, but she's wonderfully supportive and I appreciate her immensely. But alas, not everyone is capable of such acceptance. And I know that each of us must choose to live with or without our SO's acceptance. It's a lot more fun to have it.

[CherylFlint]

Dear Stephanie47,
You’re right, I’m wrong.
I apologize to all for even bringing up the subject. My wife and I just wondered that life would be “easier’ if one didn’t have to “sneak” around.
I have purged a few times, but when I did was before the advent of the internet where you could learn about there is no magic “cure” for the desire to crossdress.
Yes, I was in the Navy.
Again, my sincerest apologies for upsetting anyone,
Cheryl