Up and downs (mostly downs) of transitioning

[emma5410]

There are plenty of threads about people who think they may be TS or who say they are transitioning but are not living full time. Not so many about what transitioning is really like. I wish I could have read more of those before I went full time. The following is my experience. It may be general or it may be specific to me and influenced by my personality.

I am five months in and in some ways it has been a breeze. I live in the UK so I have legal protections that our US friends may lack. My employer is fully supportive and made sure that all the staff understood that and were aware of the law. I have had no problems with my colleagues. At least to my face. Some people who used to be very friendly now seem distant. Others, especially women, who were less friendly now go out of their way to be nice. Most people treat me as they always did. My family are fully accepting. I had no friends and I was not married so they were not a problem. I do not claim to pass 100% but I am not generally stared at as far as I can tell. I have heard no unpleasant remarks or suffered any abuse. People tell me that I pass well not that I let myself believe them.

So everything is fine except
I have lost my identity. I used to work so hard to be male that I felt I knew how others saw me. I may not have felt male inside but I knew my place in the world. Now I am lost. I do not how people at work percieve me. They all knew me as a male but I am not sure how they see me now. Am I a man in a dress, a transsexual (although I am not sure how many really know what that is) or a woman to some degree or another. I notice as time goes on the men no longer talk sports to me or engage in male banter with me .
People tell me this does not matter. What does it matter what other people think. It does to me. I can't help it. As a psychiatrist told me, part of your identity is reflected back from other people. I cannot see my reflection. People say I am still the old me. I find that depressing because he was male and I do not want to be him anymore.

Which brings me to the next point. How do you integrate the person you used to be with the person you now feel you are. I know my personality did not change overnight but many aspects of my personality were part of my male facade. I want to lose them but they still cling to me. They are like a fith column inside my head. I fight the world to be accepted as a female and yet there are what I percieve to be male characteristics lurking inside.

Some days it is hard to face the world. With strangers I always worry that today is the day when someone stops and shout abuse at me. This must seem pathetic to those who face this each day. It is not the abuse I fear but what it will do to my self image. Being able to live as a female is everything but if I am not achieving this then I would rather be dead. I know others have it a lot tougher but it is still the way I feel.
At work I feel I am always being judged on my appearance and the way I behave. Although logic tells me that most people have enough problems of their own and probably do not care.

I had a real problem letting go of my male relationships at work. I was hesitant about being myself in case it was too feminine. When a woman talked to me about clothes I felt awkward and embarrased wondering what the men who had known me as a man for so long would think. I am slowly dealing with this but it has taken a long time to let go.

What am I? I know I am not male but am I female? Biologically no. It does not make any difference how many operations I have or how many hormones I take or how convincing I look. I will never be the same as a natal woman. Am I a transwoman? What is that and is it enough? I never felt at home as a man and I fear I never will as a woman. I am not sure I can live as something inbetween.

Being full time is unrelenting. I cannot run and hide in male clothes when life gets to stressful. I have to go and face the world.

I was stressed in the months before my transition and I have been stressed since but for different reasons.

I broke down and cried my eyes out in front of my therapist before I went full time. She asked me what I wanted. That question broke me. The answer was I wanted it to stop. I wanted to go back to the days when I did not need to transition and I could cope as a male. I still have moments when I wish for that although I know I could never live as a man.

In the weeks before and after my transition I received a lot of support. Understanderbly, people have moved on with their lives. It must seem as if I have achieved my dream and everything is going well. That is not how it feels to me. I cannot live as a man. I sometimes doubt I can live as a woman. It may sound melodramatic but I feel I am in a life and death struggle and no one else even notices.

My patience with the people who are not transitioning has grown very thin. I know that is wrong and I can see my previous self in many of their posts but I really believe that if you are not living full time then you are not transitioning and you really do not understand what the word means. You are almost certainly suffering from GD but you are not transitioning. Changing your name and taking hormones is not transitioning.

I feel lost. Cast adrift from what I have known for fifty years. A stranger in a strange land. Maybe I became institutionalised as male. I have been set free but miss the security of my old cell.

I see someone old and ugly and too often male when I look in a mirror. People tell me I am not but I cannot trust their opinions. I was born aged 55. Unlike some people on this board no one whistles at my behind. I am attracted to men but I am invisible to them as a woman.

There are positives of course. I am happy to be Emma. I feel more natural and normal living as a woman than I have ever felt in my life. Just this week I finally took possession of my name. Up to now when I heard people call me Emma it seemed strange and wrong. Now it feels like it is me.

I am not looking for solutions to the above. I know the rational arguments. I am just trying to give a feel for what my transition is like. It will differ from others.

The above may seem confused, rambling, even self pitying but transitioning is the hardest thing I have ever done. The rewards are great but some days, far too many days, I wonder if it is really worth the pain.

[stefan37]

You have been socialized as a male for many years. The fear of others finding out about your femininity have forced you to erect barriers to that disclosure. Now that you are transitioning you need to make an effort to learn all you can about socializing as a woman. It will not be easy and will take much time. You do not mention how long you were on hrt before going full time or did you go full time and then start hormones. I disagree with your opinion that starting hormones and changing your name is not transitioning. It most certainly is. I have been on hrt for 12 months now. I am transitioning. I am not full time yet as I have to wait for my legal name change, driver's license and gender marker, and more importantly I need to fully clear my face which I expect to have completed shortly. I will still need electrolysis but I can let what little growth I have for each session. Just the fact someone is starting facial hair removal with the intention of starting hrt and changing gender is transitioning. Transition is a long process and for some of us takes much longer to get to the point where we can go full time. My family, friends, employees, business members, clients know I am transitioning even though I have not gone full time yet or legally changed my name. I have filed for name change and it is in the courts domain when it will be scheduled and become real. Besides it is hard to hide my breasts and i will not wear tents to do that.

It is normal I think to miss the old you.I have been fighting it and it became clear to me 3 weeks ago what I need to do. I need to shed the male me and start to show the world my new self. It is uncomfortable at times but that is what is needed for me to become accepted as female.

[emma5410]

I appreciate how difficult it is for you and all the effort you are making. You are progressing and doing a lot of things. I will not argue about semantics. I wish you all the very best for the future but I do not think you have any idea of what it will be like when you go full time. It may be easy for you. I really, really hope it is.
As for myself, I was on hormones for a year beforehand. This has probably helped with my passing. I started electrolysis and voice therapy six months before. I was going out as Emma for shopping etc. The tranny grenade still blew my life apart.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Emma, yes transition is a difficult stage, we are not what we used to be, but neither are we yet whole. It takes time to let yourself just be.

I understand what you say about your old personality being part of your male self but please remember that what you are deep down inside has already affected the characteristics that you previously displayed, now is the time to let them have free rein.

To try to illustrate from my own experience, I was always noted as a considerate individual, but now people see me as more caring and "nicer" than he was. The underlying character trait is still there, it just gets a more complete airing.

How do people perceive us at work? I think that I have seen that shift subtly with time. I no longer have any hang-ups about talking clothes or shopping to other women. I do believe that at the beginning some of my male colleagues probably saw me as that odd person who "wants to be a woman" but now (years on in my case) they seem to have no difficulty seeing me as a woman (even if a bit of an odd one ).

I am a little more concerned by what you say about biology and operations. You are a woman, but your body betrayed you. Is that your fault? Some people may say that because we cannot bear children we are not women - perhaps they should see what the recipient of the first womb transplant feels about that - her womb never developed, yet she is a GG.

Transition is hard even with the protections that we have in UK law, but it beats the alternative hands down every time.

[Badtranny]

Thank you Emma. I love hearing from TransitionerS, though there are a few of us who have been giving unvarnished reports from the transition front for quite awhile now.

You're right, living full-time is a whole 'nother ball of wax, for sure.

You've misunderstood, Steph though. She is openly transitioning in place and while she may be in the middle yet, she is walking her talk. She's doing the legal stuff as well as coming out to everyone that matters. I've had many IM chats with her and trust me, she is the real deal and definitely not one of the people who talk talk talk. Her marriage has ended because of her commitment to live authentically. I think that pretty much says it all.

[emma5410]

I did misunderstand Steph and I apologise.
It was actually a comment by you, Melissa, on another thread that made me post. As I said my experience may not be typical and reflect my personality but I wanted to post a snapshot of where I am up to. I can answer many of my points with rational arguments and have people around me all too ready to do that but somehow that does not make the feelings and doubts go away. My therapist's favourite word is process. I am in the middle of the process of transitioning. Things will change over time for the better and, maybe sometimes, for the worst.

[STACY B]

Boy ol Boy ,,, I tried not to Respond ,, I tried to walk away ,,,, But NOOOOOOOOOO ,,,,,, I just had to come back !
Its just not gonna happen ,, SORRY ,,,
You started it not me ,, So here we go ,, So in other words if you change your name an take Hormones your Not Transitioning ?

Well ,,, Well ,, Then tell us what the hell are those people doing then ? Come on ,, Tell ,, Don't be shy now ,,, What are they just hoped up CDs ,, ????
So in other words what YOUR SAYING is if your in transition no matter what stage you should go out an tell EVERYONE all the time even if they don't want to know ?
Or better yet maybe you should just dress up in full drag the first day an just make a total fool of yourself ,,
Just because you didn't do it Right or you get dogged out doesn't mean everyone one else should do it YOUR WAY !!
I really think if some one went as far as changing there name they should get some credit .
So what your saying is to be in total transition you should shave your beard off an put on a dress an go to work an tell all that I am a woman now an I am in TOTAL TRANSITION ?



HERE YEE ,,,, HERE YEE,,,,, LISTEN UP ,,, Is that the way it goes ,,, Tell all an be a dam fool an your in the Club ?
Well sistah !! You can have your club ,,, I don't know about the rest I still havent seen the right way to do it ,,, SO if anyone finds out let us all know !!!

[Angela Campbell]

For me the process is going to be slow and take a bit of time. It would not make sense for me to openly go full time at this point, although I will at some point. If I did that without planning and a bit of work it would not go so well. If I went full time at work today, I would not be accepted as I have "man" hair and cannot wear a wig on the job, I still have facial hair for several days a week until more electro is done, and the company is not ready yet as we have not worked out a plan. I don't think my customers will enjoy the masculine, bearded almost a lady. Losing my source of income will make transition impossible for a time.

It is my intention to do this as smoothly as I can. I have contacted the HR department at work and we will work out a plan. I will allow my hair to grow, continue to remove facial hair, continue on HRT and eventually have the name change and gender marker change done. At that point I am ready to go full time. Then continue with any other procedures I may choose to undertake and eventually SRS. All this I am doing with the help of a therapist that specializes in transitions.

So it seems I am not yet in transition. At what point do I consider the transition begins?

[StephanieC]

Emma, you are certainly to be lauded for your courage.

I can't offer any relevant experience but I will offer a thought...time can be your friend. I have found as I have move along at my glacial pace that I meet new people that only know me at that time. So, for them, there is no past, no old molds to break. For those people, they see who I am at that point.

I think that is likely to happen as time goes on and your "birth at 55" progresses. Gradually, we end up with a new support system. We'd like all our old friends and associates to get on the same page but that is alot to ask. New friends, new support systems may help. But this can be daunting. Of course for me, this is still a bit down the road.

[Badtranny]

So it seems I am not yet in transition. At what point do I consider the transition begins?

Goodness. I hate being in the position of defending folks, but Ellen and Stacy are not examples of Emma's main point. She just didn't phrase it very well. Her post was good because it illustrated the vulnerability we face during the awkward phase of transition. (the first year or two) I had a feeling she was responding to some of my recent comments and she confirmed it in her last post, so I feel confident in defending her from the good folks that are actually indeed transitioning that may have taken offense at her sloppy comments.

Emma, is referring in her own way to the same people I find myself arguing with about what it means to commit to transition. I have always said that transitioning slowly is STILL a transition. It's smart to get your ducks in a row before you pull the pin. The point we are trying to make is that things get REAL once you go full-time. I don't know what she meant by the changing your name comment but when your name IS changed, and you've got a new ID and you've come out to EVERYONE including work, there is no hiding from your decision. How are you going to "man up" when your driver's license and every credit card says you're a woman named Melissa?

Emma is describing what it's like out there on the edge. The first year of full-time is the hardest year as far as I can tell. I'm in year 2 now so I'll let you know.

[stefan37]

And in many cases including mine it gets real before going full time.

[KellyJameson]

Nice Thread Emma and I thought it was very concise and not rambling at all.

I would not say transitioning hardens you but it could which would be unfortunate but it does force you to overcome certain mental handicaps and one is trying to read other people's minds.

I personally had to let go of that internal self talk of "thinking I knew what they were thinking" and "being worried about it" because I was driving myself to distraction and into exhaustion.

I have lived my whole life this way because I have always been a target of violence for being such a "feminine appearing and acting male" in "others eyes" so it was and to a degree still is an automatic survival mechanism as a way to get a feel for the lay of the land.

I cannot imagine a transsexual not giving off a strong feminine "vibe" even if they were desperately trying to "man up" at some point so you may have this automatic defense mechanism in you to be constantly watching and evaluating that you developed earlier for your own survival that is now making transitioning more difficult.

We sense we are woman subconsciously long before we understand or admit it consciously so defense mechanisms are automatically built usually starting in childhood and these defense mechanisms will harm you if you misuse them and or sometimes hold onto them once you start transitioning.

There is alot of mental stuff you have to let go of as you transition as that stuff you used in the past so having a disciplined mind is crucial but this takes practice and huge amounts of introspection and self awareness which your words clearly show you have a capacity for.

As far as your identity you really never had one because you cannot build an identity out of something that does not exist so you were living with a false identity that you created.

This identity was not you but a suit of armor you walked around in that you called you for the benefit of others even though it was actually detrimental to you.

You have always lived with a false identity so now for the first time have an opportunity to have one.

An identity is not something that you can create with intention because that is nothing but a role you play on the stage of life but it is that which results through self discovery so it is going inward and than bringing what you find outward and sharing it with others.

Being born transsexual forces you to do the opposite which is to project a false identity that you "create for others" so it is nothing more than echoing back to others what they communicate to you.

Whether you realize it or not you have been living a long and drawn out existential crisis which is the essence of gender dysphoria and the source for much of the mental illness caused by being born transsexual BECAUSE YOU CANNOT HAVE AN IDENTITY.

An identity requires living in a body but we are born bodiless as "gender"

The trauma of beng born misaligned into an intensely gender binary world makes us sick.

You are moving from this sickness into health but it feels at first like you are getting sicker but you are not getting sicker but only realizing that you were sick.

I suspect the longer you live this way the greater the shock so at fifty five you are taking steps to begin living for the first time in your life and your words show how painful and dangerous it is to transition late in life.

Try to keep an image in your mind that you are both mother to yourself and child, teacher and student, spiritual guide and novice, potter and clay.

Transitioning is an interactive process of self creation on every level done in many small steps that will never stop nor will it ever be perfected.

You will be taking what nature did not do plus the first fifty five years of your life and making it into what should have been.

The most important gift you can give yourself is the gift of humility because in my opinion only this will give you the strength to continue. From this humility will come the love of self that will allow you to nurture the child never born.

These are not just pretty words but necesssary to your survival and in my opinion success.

At it's core transitioning is a gift we give ourselves because we want life even if only for a minute before we die.

It is a fight for life.

[emma5410]

Ellen and Stacy. Why is the word transitioning so important to you. I will let go of that word since you cling to it so hard. As others have said its meaning has changed somewhere along the way.
My original plan was to never go full time. Then I realised that it was going to happen like a steamroller heading straight for me. I was going to go full time in May, then as the GD got worse it became March until I had to go in January.
I was on HRT, I was having electrolysis, I was having speech therapy. I was making plans with HR. I was venturing out more and more as Emma. I was seeing a therapist. I was suffering badly from GD. I did not have a wife and family and those that do have my sincere sympathy but in every other respect I know how it feels.
My point was that all of that is nothing like being full time. That is what I call transitioning. You can call it what you want. You can have the word because I know how tough it is where you are.
I have been largely where you are now. But you have no idea what it is like where I am. When I was where you are now I had no idea. I was not trying to deride your experience but to try and explain that for all your trials you ain't seen nothing yet.

Melissa. Thanks for the defence. I was trying to make a point that you have made many times. Obviously not as well. To me the things you have said about walking the walk are so true that they need shouting from the rooftops.

Kelly. You are a beautiful writer and always leave me inspired. I think you are right about life long defence mechanisms. They served a purpose but are now an impediment.

[Angela Campbell]

Full time is full time. That is part of transition. Perhaps to some it is not transition until you have had SRS. Use words the way you want. The people I work with (professionals) consider transition a process including many parts.

Why is the word so important to me? It is important because words convey meaning. I must have misunderstood your meaning.

I will let you know if my transition is like yours when I get there. Hopefully yours will get better. And I do see in myself some of the things you have talked about.

[emma5410]

Thanks Ellen. I have read many of your post on many threads. From them I have some idea of what you are going through. I respect you for what you are doing to deal with your situation. Whatever word is used to describe it does not make it any easier to deal with. I truly hope your RLE is easy and straightforward.

[Angela Campbell]

I have no illusions that it will not be difficult. But will it be more difficult than the 55 years I had to live as a male? Frankly I wish it would come sooner, but that is not something I have much control over. I am moving as fast as I can.

I can tell you I am always very interested in hearing of others experiences. Good and bad. I think I can handle the bad. I always have.

[stefan37]

I will say this Emma I am not full time yet as I have to wait for the court to assign a date for the hearing for my name change and get my paperwork in order for driver license and other documents. At that time I will be full time. You are right I have no real idea what it will be like full time but I have a clue. I have the personal experience of several close friends that are full time and transition is what you make of it. I am out at work and in my personal life at this time. I have built a support network of very close friends that are or have gone through what I will be experiencing in the future. Will it be difficult? I am sure I will have rough spots. I have the lost the one person that meant the world to me. Everything I own in life is a result of this marvelous woman and we now have to navigate our way towards forging a different type of relationship.

I also do not have the identity crisis you are going through. Even at this early stage I am experiencing many events where my opinion is marginalized or I am not heard. I have to speak to my employees in a different manner to get them to do what I want. I work in a male centric, dominated industry and they do not like to take orders from a woman. So I need to take a different tack. I have 2 traits that will see me through any difficult periods i experience. I have probably to a fault and maybe arrogant self confidence and I have a tremendous perseverance as evidenced by my successful career as a contractor for the last 30 years self employed. I have made mistakes growing my business and I am doing my transition my way so i am sure to make many mistakes in that area. I know who I am and have an idea who I will be. I am already shedding my male traits and learning the intricacies of socializing as a female. It will undoubtedly take a long period as I have 55 years of male socialization to erase.

I guess you hit a nerve telling us transition does not start until you are full time. I know many that are years post op and it is their opinion transition does not start until you are post op. In many ways it is like an individual declaring themselves transsexual , yet taking no action to change how they are presently living. Transition is a long process and there are many stages along the way. full time is just one of them and it will present its own set of challenges. Another stage will be ffs and srs and I gather you are not there yet. That will introduce another set of challenges to be met. If transition was easy, everybody that felt they needed to would. But it is dam hard and there are serious losses incurred on the way to inner peace. I have no doubt whatever the challenge or obstacle in front of me I will find a way to navigate around it and come out with a successful transition. And for the record 56 years of testosterone has left me with an undeniably male physiology and I am living my life today as authentically as I can with all the humiliation, ridicule and downright prejudice that goes along with it. I am also a ways away from being able to afford ffs so I will have to endure the the trials transition throws at me.

[kellycan27]

Just an opinion here but ... Five months full time isn't a very good barometer of living your life as a woman.....
If you transition in place.. You will forever be that chick who used to be a guy.... No matter how well you're treated. Fact of life. Most people don't get the concept of transsexuality.. You may look and act the part, but your past will continue to haunt you.

[stefan37]

If I had the luxury of youth Kelly I would not transition in place. However this is my life and how I make my livelihood. I do not have the energy to transition and learn a new profession nor do I have the finances to do both. So given the choice of transitioning in place or moving and learning a new profession. I will take my chances transitioning in place and have the finances to ensure a fairly successful transition. I also have a business that I have a tremendous financial and sweat equity investment in with a large number of clients I have had for over 25 years. I have quite a number of employees that their livelihood depends on and I made a commitment to them to help them support their families. Transition so far although early has provided me with positive energy I am able to channel into making my business a success. I have lost my wife as my wife and we have to figure out if we will be friends or not. We have made the commitment to each other to continue as business partners and her livelihood is dependent on the business thriving to make that a reality.

[Angela Campbell]

J.. You will forever be that chick who used to be a guy.... .

This is preferable to being the girl who never got to be a girl.

[kellycan27]

Please don't misunderstand... Them's just the facts. Transitioning in place is definitely better than not transitioning at all. I was addressing the OP's question as to how her co- workers and those who know her are going to see her while or post transition. If nobody is giving her grief... Priceless!

stefan37

I did transition at a young age but.... I did transition "in place" both in college and in my career as a CPA...

[Jorja]

emma,
Yes, transition is a very hard path to follow. Right about now at five months is where you truely begin to realize that everything you had been told about transition or thought about it is either true or a lie. Now is the time you must be mentally tuff. This is the time when you learn to draw from your support network. Now is when you pray and draw upon your faith. If transition is what you really want/need, now is when you completely open up and let her out. Now when you are doubting yourself, you look to the end of the tunnel for that light. You might not be able to see it but believe me, the light is there and you are moving toward it.

[dreamer_2.0]

The above may seem confused, rambling, even self pitying but transitioning is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Not at all. That was a very touching read. Thank you for sharing.

[bas1985]

Indeed.

Emma, I sympathize with you and I also have your feeling of "you cannot tell the cake is good until you bite it".

in our case the cake is full time... with all the consequences (up and downs).

It's like learning to drive, you may take all the theoretic classes, but until your hands are on the steering wheel... well,
you have not driven yet. Dressing "en femme" in home is not the same, it is like driving a Ferrari on a simulator... not
that real. You can put everything, cure every detail, but until you walk the front door it's not real... and not
for "a test", but because you are now THAT woman you were hiding for many years.

You have to give Emma "flesh and bones", your flesh and your bones which were of a male now are
"transitioning" to become flesh and bones of a woman. It's not easy, because there is no surgery, no
hormone, nothing... it's like being born like a siamese twins with a twin that has given only a brain (female)
and another twin that has given only a body (male).

Now you are rightfully giving to the female twin a body. It's not easy.

And you are dismantling the fake male brain that the male twin has built in all these years. It's not easy. I agree
and I wish you all the best.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry Stacy, you have completely missed the point of the OP by 180 degrees!

Try rereading the opening paragraph. Here let me help you

There are plenty of threads about people who think they may be TS or who say they are transitioning but are not living full time. Not so many about what transitioning is really like. I wish I could have read more of those before I went full time. The following is my experience. It may be general or it may be specific to me and influenced by my personality

You see? It is categorically NOT saying that you are not transitioning!

What it is saying is that there are too few posts showing what living 24/7/365.25 is really like for those people who are considering going down that road.

Until you know that from your own experience, how are you going to tell people what to expect with any credibility?

Well, at least now you will be able to point them to this thread where they will be able to see posts like yours criticising the OP for giving their experience.