Out at Work (Police Department) and Getting Close to Full Time

[steph1964]

I am sitting on a camping chair in my new, empty apartment. The bed is the only furniture to arrive so far. I just made my first meal from scratch and now I am typing on my phone because I don't have internet or tv service yet, so please forgive the typos. My wife of 23 years is on a date. Wow how things have changed, but I am at peace for the first time in my life and all this actually makes me happy.

I rarely post so I will give an overview of what has transpired before I get to my work situation. After struggling since I was 4 with crossdressing, and over two years of counseling to get rid of the shame, I finally accepted that I was transexual in August. But I love my wife and was determined to stay male and make it work, despite hearing that I wouldn't be able to beat it. The fighting resulted in me being hospitalized twice with stroke like symtoms, likely caused by strees, and a slew of other medical problems. The depression also got very bad. My wife and I had talked about a trial separation and I would only start HRT if things didn't work out. But I got so bad that my wife suggested that I start HRT to see if it helped. I started the beginning of February and felt great, so good that I decided that I could still fight for my marriage and I stopped the HRT. That lasted three weeks and I got very bad again. At that point I realized that I could not fight this anymore and needed to accept it.

I was in my last semester at ASU so we decided that we would wait to separate until I graduated. We had already told our families and friends and everyone has been very supportive. Angie and I struggled through the process and went through all the stages of grief. We are now best friends and very close. She is dating again but I am happy about it because I was feeling very guilty that I was leaving her alone.

I am a sergeant at a large police department and I have been there for 24 years. Arizona is a conservative state and so are most of the officers. I was pretty sure that if anyone at work found out, it would go bad and I would have to retire. Because I was starting to spend most of my time outside of work presenting as a female I figured that I better make some notifications just in case it came out. I told some key people as well as my work friends. Everyone was shocked but very supportive and no one had an issue with it. As expected someone couldn't keep a secret and it spread through the whole department. I was gone on a 3 week geology trip and one of the rumors was that I was getting surgery. I was expecting problems but I was at peace with my decision so I was ready for anything. I didn't give anyone enough credit because when I returned nothing changed. Everyone knows but I have only received positve comments and a tremendous amount of support, especially from people in my district. I am sure that there are several employees who are not happy but they have kept their mouth shut.

I could retire now and have to retire in 11 months so I decided that I would present as a male at work. I am a patrol sergeant and thought that it would cause too many problems if I decided to present as female. I was offered a desk job but wanted to stay on patrol. I felt that it would look like I was ashamed and trying to hide if I transfered, and I wanted to show everyone that nothing has changed.

I went to a diversity meeting inTempe this week and presented as female. I got a great response and one of the Tempe HR people asked why I wasn't presenting at work. Their city is a lot more open minded. I was talking to a friend at work later about it and his response was that everyone knows so why not preesent as a female. That got me thinking...I am staying on patrol to show that I am not ashamed and don't want to hide, but by working as a male am I saying that it is OK to BE transgendered but not OK to act on it? Rhetorical question I guess because I know the answer. Now I am going to meet with the chief to discuss transitioning at work.

[ChelseaErtel]

Dear Steph:

So glad to see your post. I'm hoping that my marriage will survive, and it might, but he odds are still against us. I still love her and she loves me but still can't accept I'm a woman.

Since you've told work, it's not necessary to act on it since you're only going to be there for another 11 months and it is a big adjustment to your coworkers. People can hear you saying your are TS, be supportive but when they see you presenting female it takes it to another level. Of course that's there problem, not yours. The timing is up to you. Only you know how your coworkers will feel. Perhaps you can ask the ones that know who are close to you and see if they'd have any problems with you presenting female. You have one friend that says why not, so if it won't add too much stress in your working life, the what the hell. Start being who you are. I can't tell from the photos but you look very feminine and pretty and don't look as if you need FFS. But if you do, or want FFS, I'd get that done then go 100% even if you aren't retired.

My HR tells me the same thing, why not start presenting as female, she says I don 't need anything done. I'm still with my wife, so that's a biggie so I have to wait.

So if I looked as good as you, was single, I"d just have a big "Man" clothes burning party and to 100%. I just go done imagining that I was in your shoes now, single and on my own. I would go 100%, now doubt at all. If I have to leave my wife and home I'd be 100% immediately afterwards, not question. Sounds like that's your decision anyway and good for you. I'm very happy for you and with you the very best.

[Raychel]

Hi Steph.

I am sorry to hear that you marriage did not make it thru this, It must have been a awful hard decision for the both of you.
But you have to do what is right for your health, and if this is what will make you healthy and happy. then I guess that is the
road you must take.

As far as work is concerned, If it were me, and it is not, this is still your life to live.
I would wait until you retire to start presenting as female. This will be a big shock for co-workers.
I am sure that a lot of them are very close friends, and some of them may very well accept you for who you
are, no matter how you are dressed, but there may be some that feel different, and this could cause big stresses in
otherwise great friendships.

Just my thoughts, I hope all works out well for you and you have a happy live and great retirement.

[kimdl93]

Glad to hear from you too! As others have said, I'm sorry that you're marriage appears to be over, but glad that you left the marriage as friends and perhaps that can endure. I'm impressed that your transition has gone so well in all other dimensions. Evidently, even in Arizona, people are more accepting than one expects!

[Lynn Pennington]

what a big brave move. Sounds like things are going to work out. If people are supportive you've got it made
By the way you look fabulous.
Hugs!
Carolyn

[Jenny Doolittle]

Congrats Steph, I can understand completely because I too came from that Police officer faternaty. I am now retired and have accepted who I am as well. They say that police officers are so macho and conservative, but they also are a close knit group that will support their own, after 24 years support is yours!

[SherriePall]

Best of everything as you take the next step in your journey. And enjoy your retirement!

[Stephanie-L]

Steph,
I grew up in Arizona, and had several friends who were police officers (Scottsdale). I can absolutely understand your desire to postpone your full "coming out" until you must retire. Why cause not only yourself but management, etc, problems for a fairly short period of time, especially when they seem to be supportive. I suggest that when you do retire, have a combination retirement/ coming out party, perhaps come to the party as female. Would this be the first time for many of them to see you this way? My thought is that by doing this you are kind of easing them into the whole transgender issue, and making it easier for the next person who may not be as close to retirement as you are. I don't know what to say about the marriage issue, mine has been rough as well, and I just keep going, doing the best I can. Much luck and happiness to you..............Stephanie

[Rileyaz]

Steph,
Might I suggest that instead of having a "Man" clothes burning party, you donate your clothes to some of the FTMs that might need them. Just my thoughts.

[KellyJameson]

Happiness is an amazing thing when you have never known it.

I completely get how you can be happy when most people would expect you to be miserable.

Living as you know yourself to be transcends every other form of happiness in my opinion.

It compels us to search and change or live in a state of perpetual discontent that saps our will to live.

I admire your integrity to present truly to others as you know yourself to be. Working in law enforcement which is known for being a bastion of hyper masculinity you could have chosen an easier route because you will be strongly affecting other people who identify with this hyper masculinity.

You may inadvertently have a humanizing affect where it is often most needed by the courage to be more transparent than is required.

I must admit that I do not think I would have survived fighting for my own survival if that included overcoming the obstacles of marriage and employment, I'm just not that strong.

[Marleena]

Congrats on your upcoming retirement, and you coming out too Steph! I won't advise you on what to do about your work situation as that's a personal decision you must make.

[steph1964]

They say that police officers are so macho and conservative, but they also are a close knit group that will support their own, after 24 years support is yours!

My wife recently went to a jewelry party and met a woman whose husband is a SWAT officer at my department. The woman said that when her husband told her about it, she asked him how I would be treated. He told her "He's one of us" and that we take care of each other.

I must admit that I do not think I would have survived fighting for my own survival if that included overcoming the obstacles of marriage and employment, I'm just not that strong.

I'm sure you are. I didn't think that I was that strong either, and I still wonder if I am strong enough to get through everything, but you do what you need to do to survive.

I haven't spoken to the chief yet, but my Commander told me the chief said that he didn't care how I presented at work as long as I do my job. I know that it will cause a lot more issues and I am willing to take my time and work with them. Maybe it will end up that it is too much of an obsticle to overcome in a short period of time. But a good friend of mine is an openly gay sergeant, something that that was not accepted until very recently. He wouldn't be able to be openly gay if others hadn't been willing to rock the boat a little. I am in a unique situation because I get to leave in 11 months. Maybe I can make the path a little easier for the next person.

[gonegirl]

Congratulation Steph! I admire your fortitude and what you have done to be true to yourself. I wish only the best for you in your life.

Rileyaz - Steph never mentioned anything about a clothes burning party. That was another poster.

Simone.

[Rileyaz]

OOPS! My mistake. Sorry.

[larry]

11 months ? You must be kidding. Why in Heaven's name would you want to put any more on your plate ?
You have a lot to get done and get done Right before then. Social Security,Medicare,supplemental insurance,mortgage,
Beneficiaries,etc..Best wishes..

[steph1964]

Retiring from a police department is nothing like regular retirement, I'm too young for most of the things you listed. I will be starting a second career, hopefully as a geologist, but I will be receiving retirement pay.

[MysticLady]

Maybe I can make the path a little easier for the next person.

Hello Steph, I admire that your heart is in the right place w/ all of this. Keep your chin up kiddo.

[Inna]

interesting thread, and quite awesome of a support you have experienced. We usually make assumptions with much greater emphasis on negative response then, real life provides much calmer experience.

As to your last statement about presenting, I believe that such is really a decision hinging on the passability factor. If you do pass 100% then working on the front line wouldn't be a problem. However, if you do not, you and your partners are put at risk by becoming more vulnerable to the criminal element. Being patrol officer, you know that assertion of authority is of utmost importance, if you stand vulnerable, you also become more prone to being attacked or confronted.

I believe you first gut reaction was just, especially since you only have so little time left til retirement, and in contrast, by putting your survival on line if you do choose to present fem would be kind of detrimental to long term happiness.......

[ChelseaErtel]

Steph things seem to be working out for you. Wonderful. I love the idea of donating your clothes. I'd save some ratty ones you can't give a way for the burning. LOL.

[Badtranny]

Wow what a wonderful story.

A police sergeant in freakin' Arizona, and you are summoning the courage to show the world who you really are. I'm proud and humbled to call you a sister. Um, ...you GO! :-)

In regard to the last 11 months; anybody who would pressure you to "present as female" better be ready to go bare knuckles key bashing with me because there are a LOT of things at play here. It took me about a year of HRT and coming out, and hair removal, and hair growth, and yadda yadda before I was ready to go full-time and I still wasn't quite ready. Full time means name changes, which means ID change, and credit card change and so on and so on. This ain't just crossdressing, it's a complete new life, and any of us who have actually done it will tell you that there is no shame in taking some time to prepare. I wish I could have taken even more time, but work forced my hand.

Having said that, if you WANT to go full time now, then by all means, get your girl on. ;-)

[Chickhe]

I would ride out the last 11 months as is. When you are about to cross the finish line it may not be wise to change your technique. Use the time to prepare for after.

[Barbara Ella]

Steph, I am so sorry that the marriage could not work out for you, looking down that same barrel myself, but that is life. It looks like your personal situation with work and support/friends is on solid ground, and i am so happy for you about that. Only you can know what is appropriate for you to do, and when you feel something is going to work, don't hesitate. Just being in a Department, and presenting as yourself for work in the station would be so fantastic for you, but like Melissa said, it would really be a rough situation, even with your brother's support.

I wish you all the best over the next 11 months, and then beyond as you begin a new career. Begin preparing for that career now in terms of your entering that profession as a woman. That is really your focus. Your new friends will not have known you for 24 years, and you really better be ready for them.

Barbara

[StephanieC]

Wow. This was some post!

I don't have anything new to add but did want to message my support. I am sorry to hear about the end of one chapter in your life but happy to hear of your new chapter. Personally, I'd suggest waiting the 11 months for reasons already mentioned.

I do congratulate you for your courage and wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.

-stephani

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Steph, first of all, congratulations on your new journey! I am sorry though that your marriage will end though. I tend to agree with some here that you could make many changes over the next 11 months and still ride it out until retirement without somehow disrupting the department. And here's another thought that came to mind: It's great you have all of the support of fellow officers. I know nothing about the size of the municipality that you serve. But one thing that stands out for me is any public reaction. You are a semi-public figure and while it was very common in the past, there could be a news reporter that might love to dive on your story if it got out because of the circumstances. Are you or the department willing to be in the spotlight should a story break? I know in the past stories have been published about teachers and even police who have transitioned on the job. I think 10-20 years ago the stories were sensationalized. Being in such a public spotlight it could either generate negative or positive public response today. Would that be a consideration for your department, family, your ex, or for you? Just thinking and saying.........

Cheryl Ann

[steph1964]

Thank you Melissa. Coming from you that means a lot!

Cheryl Ann, the Phoenix metro area has a decent size population and if I come out it maybe news worthy. But the media tend to sensationalize everything so I would rather not go that route

One of the reasons I posted was to get the opinion of others in my situation. I have read and taken to heart everyone's comments and suggestions and many of you have brought up very good points. I had dinner with a friend last night (also a sergeant) and he and others still think the timing is right. I am going to meet with the chief and get his opinion, but I am in no hurry so I won't do anything that doesn't feel right.