A Little Bit Sad Today

[Emily83]

I was just making the bed & noticed 'his' smell has gone. I mean I had noticed it was changing when we cuddle or whatever. Now it's gone & I feel like I've been sucker punched.
This just really knocked me. I love who she is becoming so much, but these sorts of moments sends me back to grieving. I love my wife, but I also desperately miss my husband.
I know I'm allowed to have these feelings, but the guilt from these feelings makes it so much worse. I'm so thankful that she's not @ home tonight. I'm a mess & I hate making her feel bad when she has done nothing wrong. I guess there are always going to be good days & bad days.
As a famous Australian once said, "Such it life".

[mary something]

allow yourself to grieve, it's only natural to feel this way I think. Change can be difficult, but it is constant in our lives although it is that tipping point moment when we perceive it that it becomes real to us. Try not to worry about the feelings of guilt, we don't control our feelings nor do they control us hopefully.

Just remember that you'll still be able to see your SO's soul by looking deeply into her eyes when she returns, some things never change.

[KellyJameson]

A very touching thread Emily. We forget that so much of our attraction happens below our awareness such as the scent a person leaves behind that brings the memory of them rushing back when we encounter it unexpectedly.

I hated the scent my body starting giving off when I reached puberty so your thread offered some interesting food for thought as far as my brain reacting to my body because until you mentioned it in this thread I had not thought about how this has been gone from me, thankfully, for quite sometime.

I like that scent on others but not coming out of me.

Change brings loss but hopefully opens up new possibilities but I certainly understand your sadness.

We see the obvious changes but there are many subtle changes as far as what we gain or lose.

So much of transitioning touches on metaphysics so it almost becomes a spiritual process for everyone involved.

[ChelseaErtel]

A very touching and sad thread indeed. I have been feeling lately that my wife is coming to understand my condition at the same time that she realizes her husband is never returning. She wants and needs a man and I'm not a man. It kills me that she is going through so much pain and I wish it could be avoided but it can't. I can't hide or act the man part any more. At least you are still with your spouse (avoiding personal pronouns) and you are accepting. That doesn't detract for the sense of loss you feel.

I am deeply touched that you said "I'm so thankful she's not @ home tonight....& I hate maker her feel bad..." That is very loving and giving especially considering the pain you are going through. I have a friend who's husband left her and has transitioned to a woman. She goes through these things as well and I'm amazed she can even be friends with a transwoman. I can only give you an "over the internet" hug and let you know my thoughts are with you. You are amazingly giving and loving and by this one thread seem incredibility strong so I know you will not only survive but thrive.

Love to you and your spouse.

[Breeze]

I don't reply to threads very often but I felt compelled to reply to yours.
I read your thread and it reduced me to tears (not many things do)
The journeys that our lives take us on are long and windy. We can't always choose who we fall in love and the how and what the turns our lives will take. But what we can take our strength from is finding a love that is so deep and true that we will take these bumps, curves and windy turns offer us and face them together. No one ever said life would be easy but having a collective strength doesn't half help.
Keep strong because that's what we do!

[I Am Paula]

Despite my wife already having displayed all the stages of grief, I don't think she has hit the 'He's gone, and never coming back' stage yet. Your post made me stop and think, again, about what she must go thru'. Thank you.

[StephanieC]

This is so touching. I suppose this is trading the known past for an unknown future. Likely it is you that sees this more poignantly than she might.

I think it really takes faith...and love, and you seem to have that in spades.

-stephani

[josee]

Do you have any single sisters? What an incredible statement of unconditional love and acceptance this is.

[Emily83]

Thank you all so very much for you kind words & understanding. She is my soul mate & it's going to take much more than this to get rid of me.
As you said StephanieC, it is totally an unknown future. But I figure I might as well give this one a really good try. I mean, how will I know if it's not for me if I give up now? In the very end, only the packaging is changing, not the product. Our marriage is so much happier & relaxed. It's wonderful. I guess it's really just about how scary change is when you're so used to something or someone. If only it was as easy as getting used to a hair cut. Lol

[Just Elizabeth]

Emily,

My current therapist tells me it's as if our husband has died..The person we knew...And we have to go through all the stages of grieving, just as if they were in fact no longer here. Yes, there is a person here, but not the one we knew and fell in love with.

Hang in there. I'm told we'll handle it. It just looks pretty bleak from where we're standing right now.

Hugs.

Just Elizabeth

[Emily83]

Thanks Just Elizabeth. Where are you & your will be wife @ in transition? I'm pretty sure I'm up to the acceptance stage. It probably really helps our circumstance that I'm bisexual. A lot is changing, but I can see it's all for the better. It's just those moments of "I knew this was going to happen, but I didn't realise I would feel upset". That's why this is a wonderful forum. I make sure I keep nothing inside because it doesn't help. I share my moments here & my feelings are validated & understood. Everyone is so wonderful. I hope you keep sharing too.
I've had a 'mushy' day today. I couldn't be more in love with my one & only. I know she reads my posts from time to time. I hope she catches this one.