So I've found myself in quite a bind...

[friasinnet]

Hi guys and gals!

I just wanted to share this, since I feel like I'm painting myself into a corner right now...

I have a GF since about 2 years ago. Very lovable, open, and accepting. She's accepted my CD'ing without much of a fuss. I've also come out as a trans-person to almost everyone; work, facebook etc. thanks to her. Splendid so far.

Now however when I think of myself as being transsexual, I'm afraid to come clean and tell her how I feel. And when we talk about it all I manage is some half-assed "uh I feel like both man and woman... and it shifts from when I feel either way..." sort of thing. Like a mixed gender, and that has become my standard answer.

Now, I am seeing a team of doctors to figure out my gender identity, but I am pretty sure myself of the way ahead. I want to live as a woman. Not pink-foggy-want-to-live-as-a-woman. But really deep inside. It's gut wrenching and I feel it every single day.

The thing is, that since I've repeatedly said I am both man and woman, just telling her out of the blue that I want to live the rest of my life as a woman... It' won't exactly make her happy. She has been asking about this in such a way, that the displeasure of the thought of me wanting only to be a woman shows through. And her fear of me wanting exactly that. And she has also asked that when I want to be a man, wether that is because it's comfortable and the easy way out.

So, I have two thoughts.

1) How on earth should I tell her that I really think that I am transsexual?

2) And I'm afraid to tell her, because then I might be left alone, and that scares me like crap. How do I deal with that fear?

I'd appreciate any thoughts, ideas, advice... Thank you!

Love,
Michelle

[Badtranny]

Don't let the fear have a vote.

Any decision made out of fear will always become a regret later.

[kimdl93]

Look, you owe her and yourself the truth. You may, however, not know the truth at this point. It may take a while to get to that point. At the very least, you should be letting her know that your self appraisal is changing - that, you feel that its possible that you may want to live as a woman full time.

Yes, she may feel that's too much for her. But it will be better if the intimate relationship ends on an honest exchange that leading her on. If she chooses to stay with you, it should be with her eyes wide open.

[Dawn cd]

Just tell her you're evolving. All of us are evolving in one direction of another. Yours is a tectonic shift in identity, and it's not be be expected that you saw clearly from the beginning where it's all heading. Often we hide the truth even from ourselves. But as the truth becomes clearer to you, you owe it to this person you love to be truthful with her.

[Marleena]

Might as well tell her now since you know where this is heading. It's a lot tougher when you're married that's for sure. We have lots of proof of that here.

[I Am Paula]

Through therapy and brutal honesty, figure out what you are first. It doesn't need a label, just be sure in your mind. If you're transsexual, and want to begin transition, you really have no choice but to tell her right away. From there it's pretty much a crap shoot. If you have openly crossdressed around her, she might find it a little easier, cause it's not coming right out of the blue. If her initial reaction is not good, don't despair YET. It took my wife a couple of weeks to digest what I had told her, and then one day she just said 'Do what you have to do'. Believe me, that wasn't the end of it, but a positive start. Look up 'the stages of grief'. She will go thru' them all, in no particular order, and some over and over again. What are your odds? I think all of us will tell you, not good, but give it your all.
Remember, find out what your status is, cause once you've told somebody you are a woman, and seeking transition, it would be worse to later change your mind. You can't say 'I was just kidding'.
It's been 2 1/2 months since I had the talk with my wife. We're still together, but it's going to be touch and go for a good while yet. Good luck. This whole community is behind you 100%.

[melissaK]

Yah . . . Bad Tranny wisdom . . . Lets' follow up her lead.

I take you at your posts word that you are genuinely afraid of being alone, and not just going to be less happy alone. I have genuine fears of being alone - it was an issue for me to address before coming out, so the idea of being afraid makes sense to me.

Investigate that fear with asking yourself why you are so afraid of being alone? Can you be alone? Have you ever been alone? These aren't TG issues, its a human issue. Maybe you and a counselor can sort out if you have childhood attachment issues, or abandonment issues or moved too many times as an only child and were alone too much in childhood. Find whatever might help you understand the source of your fear of being alone. It can help you cope better with the fear, and take fear out of your decision making as BadTranny suggests.

And then I want to ask, are you in love? You don't say in your OP. Your GF is lovable, but that's not the same as you saying you are madly in love with her. Love is an intangible and debatable phenomena of being human, its experienced differently for most of us from what I can tell. If you are madly in love with her, maybe if you lose her you'll be broken hearted, and that hurts. That kind of pain is something to fear.

And my wife and I are truly hopeless romantics who believe in love through thick and thin and for all eternity, maybe in a Princes Bride or Cloud Atlas kinda way. Sappy, yes. We used our love as the bond to hold our relationship together when I came out. It has not been easy for us. Plenty of heartache because when you come down to it, our old relationship was gone. If we wanted to be together because we still loved each other we had to create a new relationship around that love. And somehow we have.

And that brings me to a last point (I know, you're thinking thank God she's wrapping this up, she does drone on!) - you don't mention it, but are you afraid of hurting her? Of letting her down? Its not unusual. We are often very loyal kind people and our own moral code is offended when we change so much and leave someone else alone and without their companion. This is the "selfish" aspect of transition. Anne Vitale's book "The Gendered Self" has some observant thoughts about this. And there's been more than one forum thread about it. If this act of selfishness is upsetting your own moral code, you will have to change your moral code. AND you may have to be a bit more selfish than you otherwise might like to be.

(Ok, I lied, I have another point ) And that moral code analysis may lead you to realize you have some self esteem issues - perhaps you always make your happiness subordinate to other peoples happiness, deep inside you don't think you deserve to be happy. I'm not saying any of this self esteem stuff applies to you, but self esteem issues are not always from TG issues (though they can be), and self-esteem issues can get in the way of transition and it's a topic to explore with a counselor.

[Kaz]

Hi Michelle,

This is a journey honey.... who knows how it will go.... maybe TS maybe not... tell her how it really feels.... If you lose her now it may be better than what may be down the road.... But if she really loves you... will always stay best friends.

Love Kaz xx

[Jorja]

The fear of the unknown keeps us from doing what is important in our lives. Yes, she may be unhappy about your decisions and feelings but that is life. Not everyone gets to have everything the way they want it. I am here to tell you, sit her down and have a serious heart to heart talk with her now. Don't hold back, tell her everything going on with you. It will be much better now than 5,10 or 20 years from now. Move forward, whatever direction that is for you.

[Chickhe]

Sounds like you don't know for sure. The problem is she might not want to stick around to find out. Maybe tell her what you are scared about... and ask her what she would do depending on what you discover... My real advice, don't wait for a doctor to tell you what you know for sure...but if you don't know, get out there are figure it out so you can move on with your life.

[Angela Campbell]

I always found that honesty is best. Tell her you are going to counseling, tell her you have questions about where you are and where you are going. It may be better for you to not be truthful so as not to be alone, but is it fair to her? Will it come back on you someday?

[noeleena]

Hi.

Myself i would wont to know straight up. no hideing no lies, all out in the open dont be wishy washy. yes you may be alone for a while after the talk what is better married & miserable or alone & being who you are, ill tell you now theres a few years it can & is a pretty rough ride, i know first hand,

For myself there was never a dought what i was /am. so i cant say what its like being in the ...no mans land ...like you are.

I can look back you are looking foreward. so be total sure in your own mind because you get one go at this .

The point here is ...you think... how about ...know... you seem not sure. yes your young . why are you unsure, remember no one can tell you what you are, it.... must.... come from you, dont listen to any one , & i mean no one. how deep have you dug how far have you gone inside of you.

interesting point you make by saying you are both male & female, hmmm okay what makes you say that.
Im interesexed born male / female at birth. or another way an interesexed female. you see i know what its like being both for myself there is no difference, how im wired & hormones. yes i live as a female or woman.

If your trans then theres a lot of differences thats were you need to be so sure of your self. because once you go hormones & surgery & what ever else you may need remember you wont behaveing children later, so theres detail like that to concider,

The fear of being by your self well yes of cause that comes into it i wount say every woman would wont to be your mate though two women can live together quite nicely of cause you could adopt . i know that myself.

Okay how strong are you really, Mentaly, Pyschologically, & Emotionally this is where its going to tell on you ,sap you, take you down roads you wish youd never been try depression being down lose of friends even family & even being rejected , okay i dont paint a good pic , fact is if you are not strong its hard to do it by your self.

Now the good side one can be who they should be live in a way thats right, gaining friends oh ....yes....real ones i mean.

Ill say this i have a life that involve yes a ....LOT... of people who are neat friends. this you can not beat. plus our family some thing you may missout on = we have 17 of us, that i would have missed out on so they would,

... just thought of that... oh heck never thought about that. oh wow. you know something when i write these posts every now & again some little detail comes to me just to remind had i not been here, yes suicde plays a big part for some of us

Now if or when you are so sure with out any doughts at all then work towards were you ...need ... to go.

Please think about what iv said & take what you can , i hope it works for you. & you decide it right.

...noeleena...

[josee]

So, I have two thoughts.

1) How on earth should I tell her that I really think that I am transsexual?

2) And I'm afraid to tell her, because then I might be left alone, and that scares me like crap...

Please tell her now if you think it is possible that you are TS. Don't wait till you've been married several years with a couple of kids on the knee.
I know it is scary and you don't like the possibility of loosing someone you are close to.
I had been married 19 years when I realized that I could run from myself no longer. As I said in another recent post I had to help the love of my life, my truest best friend ever move into her own place because she could not be married to a girl.
If you tell her now you will avoid all that. Plus you stand a chance at building your relationship with honesty.

[mary something]

Tell her that you are finding that you need to express your feminity more as time goes on and that you are going to explore that to see if its right for you.

[groove67]

If this is what and whom you are it will not go away trust me . In my case lost the spouse as she wanted a man in her life that i can not be. Those are the decisions you face and possible out come. However as i stated in my case i am very happy that i made the decision as i am now becoming my true self and time heals all. It is not easy being whom we as transgender humans are but the feelings you have inside just can not be turned off with a switch. Again as all here would say seek medical advice with professionals whom can help you understand yourself.