"It gets better."

[Anne2345]

I have seen this phrase consistently and regularly thrown around the forum since I first joined here a couple of years ago. It's an easy thing to write, after all. It's an easy promise to make.

"It gets better."

Three simple words. Three simple words designed to breed and elicit hope. Three simple words composed of only a total of 12 letters. There's nothing complex about it. It's easy in its stark simplicity. It's so basic, in fact, that even a cave-tranny could understand it.

"It gets better."

It's also a happy, feel-good phrase. I mean, "better" is good, right? It's certainly better than "worse." So who wouldn't want to hear this? Who wouldn't want to believe desperately in this promise?

"It gets better."

The thing is, as well-meaning and otherwise innocent as this simple statement may be, it's also quite naïve, dangerous, and a crock of shit.

At least in my experience to date it has been. For I, too, among many others here have been the recipient of this seemingly hollow promise on multiple occassions.

"It gets better."

Not for me it hasn't. It's just become different. It's become more complicated. And it's become more scary.

Please, however, understand that I firmly believe that what I am doing is the right thing for me. I cannot, in fact, do otherwise. I will not do otherwise. I shall continue on doing my thing until I am right with myself.

But there will be much collateral damage. There already has been.

Is this better, though? Will it get better?

I have posted very little here lately. I haven't had much to say. Or rather, I haven't had much that I want to say or acknowledge.

It's not better. I don't even really know what "better" means anymore. I sure as hell, though, know what "harder" means.

"It gets better."

Yeah. Okay.

Whatever.

[I Am Paula]

By the time I got around to starting to fix things, it couldn't have gotten worse. So, 'it gets better ' has become my mantra. There will be lots of trials, and tribulations in my future, but I hope the result of each will be just a little better than it was before.

[groove67]

I think we have to make things better in the way we live and handle ourselves. I enjoy being a woman almost and carry myself that way. Really believe if you are and want to trans to womanhood as many say here put on you big girl panties and make it happen. I find myself being accepted as a woman more and more all the time as i feel that i am and having my surgery in october and many know this and i will never back off. I have lived , dressed and act as a woman for over two years. I will never turn back as i really know this is whom and what i am. So as i always say when people ask i say are women not human beings? We are either male or female i choose female. I am sorry to go on so long but i will defend women and trans women to the max.

[Jorja]

I have been thinking about your post, Anne. I have used the term "it does get better" right here in this very forum. As a matter of fact, I believe I even told you "it does get better". Could it have something to do with my actually living full time as a woman for the past 33 years that I would tell you something like that? Nah, that couldn’t have anything to do with it.

The problem is my dear, you cannot see the big picture as yet. In your case the picture is still being staged. I do not recall anyone here that has been through transition saying that this was an overnight process. I do recall many telling you that this takes time. I also remember many here saying the physical transition is only the beginning. There are many other aspects that must be involved to transition successfully.

So my advice to you is to cool your jets. Slow down and let the process work. Yes, there are going to be some very painful times yet to come. There are also some very good times coming as well. So be smart and use your head for figuring out what you need to do instead of allowing it all to wallow around up there and get you all upset. I guarantee you, it does get better if you allow it.

[dreamer_2.0]

This forum needs a 'Like' button. That was a really good post from Jorja.

[Princess Grandpa]

Sometimes I don't know what to say. I just wish I could give a hug

Hug
Rita

[Jacqueline Winona]

Really wish I had words of wisdom for you, friend. All I can say is that I admire and respect your ability to continue to fight for what you want and need.

[AKKaren]

Nothing but a warm hug from me too

[KellyJameson]

In life no one gets out alive. Better is a strange concept because you do not know until it is over with and you are looking backwards.

Some people lose or give up all wordly possessions so in some ways transitioning could almost be called a quest because we are searching for something which in the end is ourselves and the price is often everything.

I think most start to transition in childhood when they go into their imagination and live as they know themselves to be in the fantasy world they build to cope with the trauma of living contrary to their true selves.

You live in a constant identity crisis with no sense of self because you are prevented from experiencing this self so cannot take this self and create with it. Life is lived in a monotone.

Some of the behavior this crisis causes is similar to Borderline Personality Disorder which is also an identity disorder except that GID is not a mental illness but simply the mind sensing it is caught in a profound lie that is preventing the person from living truly.

It really is a matter of living as you know yourself to be and it is being prevented from this that causes the crisis plus it prevents self exploration and personal development so you remain "stuck" and "drift" through life.

If someone would ask you who you are you will not really know how to answer or your answers will be stated without the feeling that accompanies conviction.

You do not become "animated" so you live in a "depressed state" and living this way causes mental illness such as anxiety and or depression.

It is very likely that many look for surrogates to "live through" so have co-dependent relationships caused by living without identity that would have created that sense of self had they been living their true gender.

Having GID makes gender relations risky because you could make them part of your fantasy to cope with reality.

When a transsexual loses a partner they may be losing the closest thing they have ever known to an identity even though that relationship was also keeping them from taking the steps to having their own.

When you have GID everything you do has a hidden risk because it is always influencing your behavior below your awareness as the mind tries to resolve the crisis it is trapped in.

GID takes you down the rabbit hole.

Before you transition you look normal to the world but feel crazy on the inside but as you transition this reverses so you appear crazy on the outside but normal on the inside.

For me being transexual is like being Alice in Wonderland trying to decipher fact from fiction, truth from lies and reality from fantasy. This is a crazy making experience that the mind longs for a reprieve from.

For me transitioning was done to make my mind "go quiet" and to stop the constant searching for something I lost.

I think when the noise in a persons head becomes so great they will do anything to escape it so "better" is measured by the "quiet" but to buy this quiet you risk everything but it's not really a risk because you no longer can hear anything anyway but the noise so the noise drives you forward as "obsession"

Transitioning becomes a fight for your sanity by doing the insane but in a sense you already are insane even though the world thought you were sane so it is only a matter of going up and out of the rabbit hole.

Transitioning is a radical search for truth by becoming what you know is true.

Things get both much worse and much better

[Barbara Ella]

The way I don't like to look at it, but it fits.....Things cannot get better until you have hit the bottom.

In no way do I ever want anyone to "hit the bottom," with all that brings with it. But there is a localized minimum, and a global minimum. In engineering we go to great lengths to find the global. In life I would hope that hitting a localized minimum would be the extent of what I could suffer , but I know that in life that is not true, and somehow life plots our path through each and every localized minimum. And within each localized minimum, the slope to get out is typically steeper, yes harder, and there is no guarantee that once you are out of that localized minimum, that your energy state (well being) will be better than it was before you went in.

The thing is, you cannot avoid going in. We are programmed to do it. It is us. The trick is to reach down deep and pull up the will to continue on. That I know you can do Anne. But it does not get easier until there is nothing else left.

Barbara

[Rianna Humble]

Anne, I know you are hurting lot and where you are at the moment it doesn't seem to have got any better, but we did also warn you that it is not an easy path to take.

This is part of why we often tell people "don't transition if you don't need to or if there is something more important to you than being whole" - because as you are experiencing there is a lot of getting harder before the getting better.

You ask whether the collateral damage is "better" - no, it is something that has to be endured on the road to "better", but experience teaches us that things do eventually improve. Look at the posts, for example, where Kaitlyn talks of the attitude of her wife - they show a 180 degree turn around in the relationship to the point where they are now very good friends.

I acknowledge that compared to many, I have had a relatively easy ride, but for me things are definitely better now that the world sees who I am. I have lost some friends along the way and some new friends turned out to be of the fair-weather variety. Transition hasn't cured all my ills, but not having to fight myself has left my body in generally better health and that is a side-effect nobody warned me to expect!

I can't take away your hurt, but please know that I am only one of many who are here for you.

[dreamer_2.0]

There really are many who are here for you. Big hugs! It's easy to see why transitioning is generally discouraged. It's an incredible life decision, one that I'm so proud of girls for making. Perhaps one day I'll be as strong as you. Huge hugs!!!

[stefan37]

It got better for me the day I started estrogen. Within 3 days my anxiety was gone, not muted, but gone, nothing, zilch, and I have been relatively anxiety free since. First time in about 6 years I was not suffering from anxiety. Transition comes at great cost and it can be extremely difficult at times. Many times I ask myself WTF am I doing? I know it is right for me and you know it is right for you. So what to do. Meet the challenge head on. It is all we can do. Transition is what you want to make of it. My experience is I am the healthiest I have been in my life, both physically and mentally. I have not had alcohol or anti-anxiety meds in over 18 months. For that is a huge accomplishment. I can be me without having to fight my inner demons and I hide no longer.

The energy I used to consume to suppress, hide and fight with myself has been channeled into positive energy. I am handling life and stress so much better than I ever had. My brain patterns are changing and it is hard for me to explain, but I am finally starting to feel comfortable as me. I am leaving much baggage behind as I grow. It is a long slow process with many missteps along the way. My relationship with my wife is nothing like it was before. We get along and I know she is extremely unhappy with how things are progressing and what once was will be no more, and that hurts so much. We both still love each other but it will never be the same. Where we end up is still unknown. We still get along, but do many activities separately.

Stop dwelling on the negative aspects what transition is costing you and start dwelling on the positives transition is allowing in your life. If you are not experiencing any positive events. Why go forward. It will only bring more despair and emotional pain.
It was the small incremental positive events I have experienced no anxiety, feeling of comfort, healthy lifestyle, etc that have shown me it does get better. it does not all happen at once but over a period of time. Do not be afraid to lean on others for support. Build yourself a support network, and get involved in the community to find that support. Coming out and not being afraid to interact publicly with the general population and finding others like us is positive. I have meet many beautiful people and become close with some that have enriched my life in ways I never could have imagined.

Hang in there girl, but start to see what positives transition is providing you and at some point it should get better. Transition is what we make of it and you say woe is me, ,my life sucks or you can say this is the best thing I have done in my life to help me grow. the choice is ours. I have chosen to be positive and the events in my life have proven to be positive. I can take the downfalls and when things get hard talk to my new friends and we can get together and do things and suddenly life is better again.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Gets better. from when.

Being born okay abuse in our family Mom myself & a man who was ment to be a father. my Mother was abused raped stranggled is that all no theres more. Mom & i fled to get away from a very abusive firery strong temper raged ridden man.
Just to stay alive. yes it got better when we left.

I had a mind blank ,memory shut done for 7 years & even till age 10 when my mind woke up so yes it got better.

Then i told Jos i was a female. intersexed. oh dear it hit rock bottom 8 years of pure hell yes we came out of that much stronger, wiser ....happy ....hmmm yes we were still alive so yes that was better. remember depression suiside oh yes, was allways there, is it worth liveing or at the time was it, now we can look back still here to enjoy our family our friendship.

Changes oh heck yes, lots, ask this ? when you answer yes then youll understand was it bloody well worth all that. wonder we are still alive to tell the truth. , oh is it easy sitting here writeing this , no bloody way . yet we still are we had enough to go through for me allmost 66 years , Mom 69. just she never made it to see Jos & i = our kids,

So do we think its still worth it all or does it really get better. depends on when you get out of the hell hole long enough to enjoy whats left , yes of cause i = we enjoy our kids ,plus our 10 grandkids,

Some times we have to go through it to crawll out the other side. i wont say it all gets better what i will say is we are still here to enjoy what we have & we both take the best of that so yes that part is better , its just what it took to get there,

We'v had lose along the way & we paid a very dear price, as i said when youv been through it you do understand ,

...noeleena...

[emma5410]

Before going full time it did not get better. It just got steadily worse. When I first started HRT things did improve but those gains were swamped by the growing GD. After going full time many things improved but a whole host of new problems and issues appeared and I really struggled. There were days I considered going back although I knew that would just bring back the GD. But things are getting better. Slowly, almost glacially it seems, things are improving. Some things get better on their own over time. Others require hard work in and out of therapy.
I have no choice but to keep doing what I am doing. That is sometimes my only reason for continuing. But I also believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have even seen a glimpse of it now and then.
I have had my moments of deep despair but I am growing more optimistic. It is a very long hard road. I am a long way from the end of it but I know I will get there one day.
I know you will as well. Please just hang in there and keep going.

[arbon]

its what I would have told myself 2, 3, 4, 5 years ago - I went through a few hard years at times I hurt so bad thought I would fall over and die some days. Thought a lot about just giving up.

but I kept putting one foot in front of the other, moving in the direction I felt I needed to. trudging along, facing each new problem.
Eventually it did get better, because I did not give up and I let my life unfold as it needed to.

Better being that I found some peace with myself and my life.

if I say those words to someone struggling its only because its my experience. It may not come as quickly as you want, but I do think it will come.

[Sara Jessica]

Like anything else in life, "It gets better..." may be true for some, not so much for others. Perhaps another way to look at things in the context of transition is...

"Trading one set of issues for an entirely new set of issues..."

Then by measuring risk versus reward, one can come to a reasonable conclusion as to whether or not "It gets better..." is realistic or not.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Oh Anne...

I hear you...

I've said many times, my marriage was ended by my wife prior to making any "decisions"... at my age, I didn't look at transition as a decision anyway.. it just happened because I became aware of my true nature, I became aware of how my nature vs my gender role was an unsustainable situation no matter how hard I tried...I had no options...so I melted towards transition, as I got closer, it was crystal clear that I was doing it...and I did it..

the key moments were telling my wife (ex), then my parents, then my kids...once that was over, the rebuilding of my life began..my wife cooled down as my kids got more ok with life...prior to that i'm guessing it was 2-3 years of sobbing and howling at the moon...to say it sucked does not begin to describe it..sorry...

you are at a crossroads... perhaps this is an omg moment and you think you can get away with your current life...perhaps not...this is up to YOU!!!....the most terrifying part of it is kind of existential..

if you are transsexual, you have been living someone else's life... your decisions, your life moments, your ups and downs happen inside of a bubble that is not really you... if you are transsexual transition is really the first thing in your life that is going to be about you...that was terrifying to me ....

[Beth-Lock]

Reminds me of what I used to say on my Christmas cards, about," I hope next year will be better," and then, instead it would be even worse! I guess I always accept my challenges in life, and try to get through them. (Some call taking pleasure in such things, the romantic idea of life -- think of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables. It is a kind of greatness in life, to suffer when things go wrong, but keep on going bravely.) Still, I think this yearat Christmas, I will stop saying that in my Christmas cards. Maybe saying it is jinxing me.

Well, at least my life has not been dreary boring. Few of us who transition can say that our transition has gone so smoothly, it is too boring to recount. But there are good days. Like when I get on the scales and have lost some weight. Followed by the next time when I have gained some back. Ditto with the other things in my transition. Good days. Bad days.

But I have an awful lot of stories to tell. Some poeple have such a level life, they have little to talk about. As your bad days recede mto more distant memory, you may even be able to lauigh about them, while tellimg the story. Others, you start to tear up when recalling them. But even that is a satisfying relief.

Life is what happens when you are worrying about something else, (like yoir transition). (A little twist on what one of the Beatles said.)

Hugs. Beth

[Nicole Erin]

So what are you planning on doing to improve your situation?

They say things happen for a reason and works out in the end but one does have to take an active part

[IleneK]

Oh Anne,
I recognize your frustration, anger and pain. Sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

Okay, "it gets better" is not your mantra. At one time mine was "Things will work out" as in maybe not how you planned, but just how it was meant to be

How about we find a new mantra for you ... Nobody promised you a rose garden ... You ain't seen nothin' yet ... What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Not good. Hmmmmm try this one on for size

It's worth fighting for (as in anything worth having)

I think my favorite for you would be "I am growing" (and, no I am not talking about your physical changes - but I hope that put a smile on your face) I am referring to Oates who wrote "It is only through disruption and confusion that we grow, jarred out of ourselves by the collision of someone else's private world with our own

Sorry last night was difficult. Hope today is better - but I won't make the mistake of telling you it gets better

Hugs.

[Angela Campbell]

I have to hope it gets better, because I already tried it the other way and all I have left is to do it this way. I gave the male way a good go for a long time and it just didn't work out too well so.....

[dreamer_2.0]

Anne, despite things not getting better (yet), have there been any positives? I'd like to think it can't be all bad, but I admit to being ignorant to exactly what you're going through.

Have you seen any good? Any experiences that have made you smile despite all the bad?

I forget who said it but there's a quote that goes "If you find yourself going through hell, keep going". I'm sure it applies here as you want to be female, correct? You're going through hell to become who you really are, what you want to be.

I've read in more than one place that the majority of successful transitioners are quite happy overall after transitioning. The other side of that though is the alarming number of TS suicides; a very scary eye-opener. Despite this however it's reassuring to know that most transitioners are happy. You'll get there too, after going through hell.

Selfishly, I'd personally like to see you succeed and find happiness as it helps pave the way for dreamers, like myself.

[bas1985]

I have had this "mantra" in the last years when things are not always smooth:

"Enlightenment is absolute cooperation with the inevitable"

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/4044...the-inevitable

I think that in our TS case (in different degrees) we all face this "inevitability" of our condition.

We cannot say "better" or "worse", our condition is on the "worse" side, but fighting the current is much, much more painful.

Hugs from Italy

[LeaP]

Sounds familiar…

"It gets better." Okay, a few things do get better:

Better in the sense of knowing reality. In perceiving direction. In eliminating anxiety and that body and mind crawling experience of living as God knows what before you know what you are. Good for the relief that hormones bring. An inkling – for the first time – of self-worth and self-love. Connecting with people personally for the first time in a real way.

Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of incredible conflicts at home… And some continued self conflict also. Defensive behavior starts getting replaced by the very things you feared the most.

Pull 'em up, Anne - this is just the beginning of transition. (Yes, I said the T word.)