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Thread: "It gets better."

  1. #1
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    "It gets better."

    I have seen this phrase consistently and regularly thrown around the forum since I first joined here a couple of years ago. It's an easy thing to write, after all. It's an easy promise to make.

    "It gets better."

    Three simple words. Three simple words designed to breed and elicit hope. Three simple words composed of only a total of 12 letters. There's nothing complex about it. It's easy in its stark simplicity. It's so basic, in fact, that even a cave-tranny could understand it.

    "It gets better."

    It's also a happy, feel-good phrase. I mean, "better" is good, right? It's certainly better than "worse." So who wouldn't want to hear this? Who wouldn't want to believe desperately in this promise?

    "It gets better."

    The thing is, as well-meaning and otherwise innocent as this simple statement may be, it's also quite naïve, dangerous, and a crock of shit.

    At least in my experience to date it has been. For I, too, among many others here have been the recipient of this seemingly hollow promise on multiple occassions.

    "It gets better."

    Not for me it hasn't. It's just become different. It's become more complicated. And it's become more scary.

    Please, however, understand that I firmly believe that what I am doing is the right thing for me. I cannot, in fact, do otherwise. I will not do otherwise. I shall continue on doing my thing until I am right with myself.

    But there will be much collateral damage. There already has been.

    Is this better, though? Will it get better?

    I have posted very little here lately. I haven't had much to say. Or rather, I haven't had much that I want to say or acknowledge.

    It's not better. I don't even really know what "better" means anymore. I sure as hell, though, know what "harder" means.

    "It gets better."

    Yeah. Okay.

    Whatever.

  2. #2
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
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    By the time I got around to starting to fix things, it couldn't have gotten worse. So, 'it gets better ' has become my mantra. There will be lots of trials, and tribulations in my future, but I hope the result of each will be just a little better than it was before.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Princess Grandpa's Avatar
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    Sometimes I don't know what to say. I just wish I could give a hug

    Hug
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    A person should wear what he likes to. And not just what other folks say. A person should be who she likes to. A person's a person that way!
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  4. #4
    Senior Member Jacqueline Winona's Avatar
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    Really wish I had words of wisdom for you, friend. All I can say is that I admire and respect your ability to continue to fight for what you want and need.

  5. #5
    AKKaren AKKaren's Avatar
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    Nothing but a warm hug from me too
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  6. #6
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    The way I don't like to look at it, but it fits.....Things cannot get better until you have hit the bottom.

    In no way do I ever want anyone to "hit the bottom," with all that brings with it. But there is a localized minimum, and a global minimum. In engineering we go to great lengths to find the global. In life I would hope that hitting a localized minimum would be the extent of what I could suffer , but I know that in life that is not true, and somehow life plots our path through each and every localized minimum. And within each localized minimum, the slope to get out is typically steeper, yes harder, and there is no guarantee that once you are out of that localized minimum, that your energy state (well being) will be better than it was before you went in.

    The thing is, you cannot avoid going in. We are programmed to do it. It is us. The trick is to reach down deep and pull up the will to continue on. That I know you can do Anne. But it does not get easier until there is nothing else left.

    Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  7. #7
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Anne, I know you are hurting lot and where you are at the moment it doesn't seem to have got any better, but we did also warn you that it is not an easy path to take.

    This is part of why we often tell people "don't transition if you don't need to or if there is something more important to you than being whole" - because as you are experiencing there is a lot of getting harder before the getting better.

    You ask whether the collateral damage is "better" - no, it is something that has to be endured on the road to "better", but experience teaches us that things do eventually improve. Look at the posts, for example, where Kaitlyn talks of the attitude of her wife - they show a 180 degree turn around in the relationship to the point where they are now very good friends.

    I acknowledge that compared to many, I have had a relatively easy ride, but for me things are definitely better now that the world sees who I am. I have lost some friends along the way and some new friends turned out to be of the fair-weather variety. Transition hasn't cured all my ills, but not having to fight myself has left my body in generally better health and that is a side-effect nobody warned me to expect!

    I can't take away your hurt, but please know that I am only one of many who are here for you.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

    This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any

    Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist

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  8. #8
    Aspiring Member
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    There really are many who are here for you. Big hugs! It's easy to see why transitioning is generally discouraged. It's an incredible life decision, one that I'm so proud of girls for making. Perhaps one day I'll be as strong as you. Huge hugs!!!

  9. #9
    Senior Member stefan37's Avatar
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    It got better for me the day I started estrogen. Within 3 days my anxiety was gone, not muted, but gone, nothing, zilch, and I have been relatively anxiety free since. First time in about 6 years I was not suffering from anxiety. Transition comes at great cost and it can be extremely difficult at times. Many times I ask myself WTF am I doing? I know it is right for me and you know it is right for you. So what to do. Meet the challenge head on. It is all we can do. Transition is what you want to make of it. My experience is I am the healthiest I have been in my life, both physically and mentally. I have not had alcohol or anti-anxiety meds in over 18 months. For that is a huge accomplishment. I can be me without having to fight my inner demons and I hide no longer.

    The energy I used to consume to suppress, hide and fight with myself has been channeled into positive energy. I am handling life and stress so much better than I ever had. My brain patterns are changing and it is hard for me to explain, but I am finally starting to feel comfortable as me. I am leaving much baggage behind as I grow. It is a long slow process with many missteps along the way. My relationship with my wife is nothing like it was before. We get along and I know she is extremely unhappy with how things are progressing and what once was will be no more, and that hurts so much. We both still love each other but it will never be the same. Where we end up is still unknown. We still get along, but do many activities separately.

    Stop dwelling on the negative aspects what transition is costing you and start dwelling on the positives transition is allowing in your life. If you are not experiencing any positive events. Why go forward. It will only bring more despair and emotional pain.
    It was the small incremental positive events I have experienced no anxiety, feeling of comfort, healthy lifestyle, etc that have shown me it does get better. it does not all happen at once but over a period of time. Do not be afraid to lean on others for support. Build yourself a support network, and get involved in the community to find that support. Coming out and not being afraid to interact publicly with the general population and finding others like us is positive. I have meet many beautiful people and become close with some that have enriched my life in ways I never could have imagined.

    Hang in there girl, but start to see what positives transition is providing you and at some point it should get better. Transition is what we make of it and you say woe is me, ,my life sucks or you can say this is the best thing I have done in my life to help me grow. the choice is ours. I have chosen to be positive and the events in my life have proven to be positive. I can take the downfalls and when things get hard talk to my new friends and we can get together and do things and suddenly life is better again.
    "When failure is off the table the only thing left is to negotiate levels of success" M Hobbes

    "Never Let your Fear Decide Your Fate" Awolnation

    "A new dawn destroys the tranquility of the darkness" Steph W

  10. #10
    Silver Member noeleena's Avatar
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    Hi.

    Gets better. from when.

    Being born okay abuse in our family Mom myself & a man who was ment to be a father. my Mother was abused raped stranggled is that all no theres more. Mom & i fled to get away from a very abusive firery strong temper raged ridden man.
    Just to stay alive. yes it got better when we left.

    I had a mind blank ,memory shut done for 7 years & even till age 10 when my mind woke up so yes it got better.

    Then i told Jos i was a female. intersexed. oh dear it hit rock bottom 8 years of pure hell yes we came out of that much stronger, wiser ....happy ....hmmm yes we were still alive so yes that was better. remember depression suiside oh yes, was allways there, is it worth liveing or at the time was it, now we can look back still here to enjoy our family our friendship.

    Changes oh heck yes, lots, ask this ? when you answer yes then youll understand was it bloody well worth all that. wonder we are still alive to tell the truth. , oh is it easy sitting here writeing this , no bloody way . yet we still are we had enough to go through for me allmost 66 years , Mom 69. just she never made it to see Jos & i = our kids,

    So do we think its still worth it all or does it really get better. depends on when you get out of the hell hole long enough to enjoy whats left , yes of cause i = we enjoy our kids ,plus our 10 grandkids,

    Some times we have to go through it to crawll out the other side. i wont say it all gets better what i will say is we are still here to enjoy what we have & we both take the best of that so yes that part is better , its just what it took to get there,

    We'v had lose along the way & we paid a very dear price, as i said when youv been through it you do understand ,

    ...noeleena...

  11. #11
    Member emma5410's Avatar
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    Before going full time it did not get better. It just got steadily worse. When I first started HRT things did improve but those gains were swamped by the growing GD. After going full time many things improved but a whole host of new problems and issues appeared and I really struggled. There were days I considered going back although I knew that would just bring back the GD. But things are getting better. Slowly, almost glacially it seems, things are improving. Some things get better on their own over time. Others require hard work in and out of therapy.
    I have no choice but to keep doing what I am doing. That is sometimes my only reason for continuing. But I also believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have even seen a glimpse of it now and then.
    I have had my moments of deep despair but I am growing more optimistic. It is a very long hard road. I am a long way from the end of it but I know I will get there one day.
    I know you will as well. Please just hang in there and keep going.

  12. #12
    Silver Member
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    its what I would have told myself 2, 3, 4, 5 years ago - I went through a few hard years at times I hurt so bad thought I would fall over and die some days. Thought a lot about just giving up.

    but I kept putting one foot in front of the other, moving in the direction I felt I needed to. trudging along, facing each new problem.
    Eventually it did get better, because I did not give up and I let my life unfold as it needed to.

    Better being that I found some peace with myself and my life.

    if I say those words to someone struggling its only because its my experience. It may not come as quickly as you want, but I do think it will come.

  13. #13
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    Like anything else in life, "It gets better..." may be true for some, not so much for others. Perhaps another way to look at things in the context of transition is...

    "Trading one set of issues for an entirely new set of issues..."

    Then by measuring risk versus reward, one can come to a reasonable conclusion as to whether or not "It gets better..." is realistic or not.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  14. #14
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Oh Anne...

    I hear you...

    I've said many times, my marriage was ended by my wife prior to making any "decisions"... at my age, I didn't look at transition as a decision anyway.. it just happened because I became aware of my true nature, I became aware of how my nature vs my gender role was an unsustainable situation no matter how hard I tried...I had no options...so I melted towards transition, as I got closer, it was crystal clear that I was doing it...and I did it..

    the key moments were telling my wife (ex), then my parents, then my kids...once that was over, the rebuilding of my life began..my wife cooled down as my kids got more ok with life...prior to that i'm guessing it was 2-3 years of sobbing and howling at the moon...to say it sucked does not begin to describe it..sorry...

    you are at a crossroads... perhaps this is an omg moment and you think you can get away with your current life...perhaps not...this is up to YOU!!!....the most terrifying part of it is kind of existential..

    if you are transsexual, you have been living someone else's life... your decisions, your life moments, your ups and downs happen inside of a bubble that is not really you... if you are transsexual transition is really the first thing in your life that is going to be about you...that was terrifying to me ....

  15. #15
    Amazing Member
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    Reminds me of what I used to say on my Christmas cards, about," I hope next year will be better," and then, instead it would be even worse! I guess I always accept my challenges in life, and try to get through them. (Some call taking pleasure in such things, the romantic idea of life -- think of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables. It is a kind of greatness in life, to suffer when things go wrong, but keep on going bravely.) Still, I think this yearat Christmas, I will stop saying that in my Christmas cards. Maybe saying it is jinxing me.

    Well, at least my life has not been dreary boring. Few of us who transition can say that our transition has gone so smoothly, it is too boring to recount. But there are good days. Like when I get on the scales and have lost some weight. Followed by the next time when I have gained some back. Ditto with the other things in my transition. Good days. Bad days.

    But I have an awful lot of stories to tell. Some poeple have such a level life, they have little to talk about. As your bad days recede mto more distant memory, you may even be able to lauigh about them, while tellimg the story. Others, you start to tear up when recalling them. But even that is a satisfying relief.

    Life is what happens when you are worrying about something else, (like yoir transition). (A little twist on what one of the Beatles said.)

    Hugs. Beth
    Last edited by Beth-Lock; 07-11-2013 at 11:36 AM.

  16. #16
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    So what are you planning on doing to improve your situation?

    They say things happen for a reason and works out in the end but one does have to take an active part
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  17. #17
    GG married to TS IleneK's Avatar
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    Oh Anne,
    I recognize your frustration, anger and pain. Sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

    Okay, "it gets better" is not your mantra. At one time mine was "Things will work out" as in maybe not how you planned, but just how it was meant to be

    How about we find a new mantra for you ... Nobody promised you a rose garden ... You ain't seen nothin' yet ... What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Not good. Hmmmmm try this one on for size

    It's worth fighting for (as in anything worth having)

    I think my favorite for you would be "I am growing" (and, no I am not talking about your physical changes - but I hope that put a smile on your face) I am referring to Oates who wrote "It is only through disruption and confusion that we grow, jarred out of ourselves by the collision of someone else's private world with our own

    Sorry last night was difficult. Hope today is better - but I won't make the mistake of telling you it gets better

    Hugs.

  18. #18
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    I have to hope it gets better, because I already tried it the other way and all I have left is to do it this way. I gave the male way a good go for a long time and it just didn't work out too well so.....
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  19. #19
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    Anne, despite things not getting better (yet), have there been any positives? I'd like to think it can't be all bad, but I admit to being ignorant to exactly what you're going through.

    Have you seen any good? Any experiences that have made you smile despite all the bad?

    I forget who said it but there's a quote that goes "If you find yourself going through hell, keep going". I'm sure it applies here as you want to be female, correct? You're going through hell to become who you really are, what you want to be.

    I've read in more than one place that the majority of successful transitioners are quite happy overall after transitioning. The other side of that though is the alarming number of TS suicides; a very scary eye-opener. Despite this however it's reassuring to know that most transitioners are happy. You'll get there too, after going through hell.

    Selfishly, I'd personally like to see you succeed and find happiness as it helps pave the way for dreamers, like myself.

  20. #20
    Member bas1985's Avatar
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    I have had this "mantra" in the last years when things are not always smooth:

    "Enlightenment is absolute cooperation with the inevitable"

    http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/4044...the-inevitable

    I think that in our TS case (in different degrees) we all face this "inevitability" of our condition.

    We cannot say "better" or "worse", our condition is on the "worse" side, but fighting the current is much, much more painful.

    Hugs from Italy

  21. #21
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    Sounds familiar…

    "It gets better." Okay, a few things do get better:

    Better in the sense of knowing reality. In perceiving direction. In eliminating anxiety and that body and mind crawling experience of living as God knows what before you know what you are. Good for the relief that hormones bring. An inkling – for the first time – of self-worth and self-love. Connecting with people personally for the first time in a real way.

    Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of incredible conflicts at home… And some continued self conflict also. Defensive behavior starts getting replaced by the very things you feared the most.

    Pull 'em up, Anne - this is just the beginning of transition. (Yes, I said the T word.)
    Lea

  22. #22
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    Admittedly, although it is sometimes difficult to see or acknowledge, much is better.

    I mean, I feel the most "real" I ever have. In this regard, I feel "better" about myself. Much better, actually. For all of the reasons, for example, that Lea set forth.

    But, ironically enough, I think that this may be contributing to my current state of mind.

    Which goes straight back to issues of collateral damage and the very real risk of irreparable harm.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    the most terrifying part of it is kind of existential.
    OMG!! That anyone would need to go to such an extreme, in the face of an otherwise perfectly good life, with no guarantee that it will work out afterwards is damn near unfathomable to me. It's pure loony tunes!! It's absolutely nutty, crazy-insane!! It makes no sense at all!! And it is existentially terrifying in the extreme. Yet, to not go forward seems even crazier and even more terrifying.

    Quote Originally Posted by arbon View Post
    if I say those words to someone struggling its only because its my experience. It may not come as quickly as you want, but I do think it will come.
    That's fair enough, and thank you.

  23. #23
    Future Crazy Cat Lady josee's Avatar
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    Anne sweetie, I am familiar with collateral damage as you put it. This past weekend I had to help my wife of 21 years, the love of my life move into her own place because she could not handle being married to a girl. That was so hard, hardest thing I have experienced. My youngest brother has disowned me. My two sons from my first marriage will have nothing to do with me. It just does not seem right that to gain ourselves we have to give up so much.
    The thing that has improved is I don't hate myself for being such a poser anymore. I respect myself for the first time in my adult life. For the first time in my life I am not hiding who I am. All my relationships are so much more honest.
    Yes at times it can seem like leaving one hell for another. But some things do get better. You just might need to adjust your perspective.
    https://www.facebook.com/josee.k.moore
    On my way to being whole.
    Jessica Katherine Moore

  24. #24
    Julie Gaum Julie Gaum's Avatar
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    First, reviewing a few comments: Sara said "Like anything else in life it gets better."; Nicole - "One has to take an active part";
    and Josee commented "Some things do get better". What are the common denominators in most of these posts? Able to choose,
    able to make good or bad decisions, and even knowing that there is a better place though not there yet --- the masters of your lives wherever it takes you. Where am I going? Take your journeys into the world stage and compare: I just watched BBC on TV. The
    scene was a field of bricks and stones in Pakistan. The newscaster was filming two children, a ten year old boy struggling to move a wheelbarrow full of dirt and his twelve year old sister shoveling. This is all these kids know from sunup to sundownj seven days a week until they collapse and die --- and there are millions of child laborers doing the same thing there. Will "things get better" for them? Can they make their own decisions? Will they ever know there is a better life somewhere, sometime? I cried inwardly at their helplessness.
    Compare if you would.
    Julie

  25. #25
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Suffering is all relative!
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

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