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Thread: "It gets better."

  1. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rogina B View Post
    Suffering is all relative!
    Yes it is! Everyone suffers in this life, some too much and others not nearly enough. Try not to worry about the things out of your control, or fear things that haven't happened yet. Obviously the situation with your wife is a big obstacle in your life right now and causing a lot of pain. When it is time for change to come it will. In the meantime take care of you, Steph had some great advice.
    "In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom."

    "My actual gender identity emerged as I healed from the scars of childhood not because of those scars" - Kelly J

  2. #27
    Member groove67's Avatar
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    I think we have to make things better in the way we live and handle ourselves. I enjoy being a woman almost and carry myself that way. Really believe if you are and want to trans to womanhood as many say here put on you big girl panties and make it happen. I find myself being accepted as a woman more and more all the time as i feel that i am and having my surgery in october and many know this and i will never back off. I have lived , dressed and act as a woman for over two years. I will never turn back as i really know this is whom and what i am. So as i always say when people ask i say are women not human beings? We are either male or female i choose female. I am sorry to go on so long but i will defend women and trans women to the max.

  3. #28
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    I have been thinking about your post, Anne. I have used the term "it does get better" right here in this very forum. As a matter of fact, I believe I even told you "it does get better". Could it have something to do with my actually living full time as a woman for the past 33 years that I would tell you something like that? Nah, that couldn’t have anything to do with it.

    The problem is my dear, you cannot see the big picture as yet. In your case the picture is still being staged. I do not recall anyone here that has been through transition saying that this was an overnight process. I do recall many telling you that this takes time. I also remember many here saying the physical transition is only the beginning. There are many other aspects that must be involved to transition successfully.

    So my advice to you is to cool your jets. Slow down and let the process work. Yes, there are going to be some very painful times yet to come. There are also some very good times coming as well. So be smart and use your head for figuring out what you need to do instead of allowing it all to wallow around up there and get you all upset. I guarantee you, it does get better if you allow it.
    Last edited by Jorja; 07-11-2013 at 11:10 PM.

  4. #29
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    This forum needs a 'Like' button. That was a really good post from Jorja.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 07-12-2013 at 03:13 AM. Reason: Please do not quote a whole post to add a few words

  5. #30
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    In life no one gets out alive. Better is a strange concept because you do not know until it is over with and you are looking backwards.

    Some people lose or give up all wordly possessions so in some ways transitioning could almost be called a quest because we are searching for something which in the end is ourselves and the price is often everything.

    I think most start to transition in childhood when they go into their imagination and live as they know themselves to be in the fantasy world they build to cope with the trauma of living contrary to their true selves.

    You live in a constant identity crisis with no sense of self because you are prevented from experiencing this self so cannot take this self and create with it. Life is lived in a monotone.

    Some of the behavior this crisis causes is similar to Borderline Personality Disorder which is also an identity disorder except that GID is not a mental illness but simply the mind sensing it is caught in a profound lie that is preventing the person from living truly.

    It really is a matter of living as you know yourself to be and it is being prevented from this that causes the crisis plus it prevents self exploration and personal development so you remain "stuck" and "drift" through life.

    If someone would ask you who you are you will not really know how to answer or your answers will be stated without the feeling that accompanies conviction.

    You do not become "animated" so you live in a "depressed state" and living this way causes mental illness such as anxiety and or depression.

    It is very likely that many look for surrogates to "live through" so have co-dependent relationships caused by living without identity that would have created that sense of self had they been living their true gender.

    Having GID makes gender relations risky because you could make them part of your fantasy to cope with reality.

    When a transsexual loses a partner they may be losing the closest thing they have ever known to an identity even though that relationship was also keeping them from taking the steps to having their own.

    When you have GID everything you do has a hidden risk because it is always influencing your behavior below your awareness as the mind tries to resolve the crisis it is trapped in.

    GID takes you down the rabbit hole.

    Before you transition you look normal to the world but feel crazy on the inside but as you transition this reverses so you appear crazy on the outside but normal on the inside.

    For me being transexual is like being Alice in Wonderland trying to decipher fact from fiction, truth from lies and reality from fantasy. This is a crazy making experience that the mind longs for a reprieve from.

    For me transitioning was done to make my mind "go quiet" and to stop the constant searching for something I lost.

    I think when the noise in a persons head becomes so great they will do anything to escape it so "better" is measured by the "quiet" but to buy this quiet you risk everything but it's not really a risk because you no longer can hear anything anyway but the noise so the noise drives you forward as "obsession"

    Transitioning becomes a fight for your sanity by doing the insane but in a sense you already are insane even though the world thought you were sane so it is only a matter of going up and out of the rabbit hole.

    Transitioning is a radical search for truth by becoming what you know is true.

    Things get both much worse and much better
    Last edited by KellyJameson; 07-12-2013 at 12:56 AM.

  6. #31
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rogina B View Post
    Suffering is all relative!
    I don't know so much, sometimes friends and work colleagues can be a pain too!
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  7. #32
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Rianna,I just see that Anne doesn't have a "terrible situation" relative to what a terrible situation in life can be. So many Transpersons are drifting around the world,unwanted,and without the skill set to ever have a "happily ever after". That is not Anne's case at all.And like Jorja said for many of us,Anne has got to settle down and calmly handle what this adventure will bring. We have a saying in the seafaring world that aptly applies here.." The difference between an ordeal and an adventure is YOUR attitude".
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  8. #33
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    I'm sorry that humour apparently doesn't translate into humor...
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    This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any

    Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist

    Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity

  9. #34
    Future Crazy Cat Lady josee's Avatar
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    Folks who make light of others suffering bother me.
    Last edited by josee; 07-12-2013 at 09:21 AM. Reason: See below
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  10. #35
    Senior Member stefan37's Avatar
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    Regina

    While she may not have a terrible situation compared to many. Her situation is real to her and she is reacting to how her transition is affecting not only her life, but her wife's and children. It is not an easy journey as you know. We all deal with it differently. Anne has to deal in her own manner.

    I agree with attitude having a huge impact on how we deal with life's challenges and we all have to learn to deal in our way. Just as Anne will have to learn to deal on her own.
    Last edited by stefan37; 07-12-2013 at 07:59 AM.
    "When failure is off the table the only thing left is to negotiate levels of success" M Hobbes

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  11. #36
    Member emma5410's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by josee View Post
    Oh that was supposed to be humorous!? Folks who make light of others suffering bother me.
    I think that is very unfair. I do not think that was Rianna's intention at all. She is further down the path than either of us and will have a better understanding of the suffering involved. As for humour and smiling. You can never have enough of that especially when you are transitioning.

  12. #37
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    The concept of slowing down to allow the process to work is only partly applicable. When you are married with children going through this, the conflict at home can be ferocious and intensely painful. It also cannot be avoided, offset, controlled, timed, or anything similar. It takes away your home as your safe haven and cuts through the relationship in which you've invested your life.

    Marriage issues at this level, including divorce, separation, etc., are among THE most stressful things in life. While I agree completely with Jorja and others that time and process is required ("process" in particular has been on my mind a lot lately, in fact), transition-associated stress is unavoidable. Maybe there's still an acceptance issue in play, also. The periods of highest stress for a transsexual - and risk, according to what I've read - are in youth, the immediate post-transition period and, applicable here, just prior to accepting the need for, and committing to transition.

    Rogina, if you are having a calm "adventure", good for you. It is not so for many of us and can't be waved into existence.
    Lea

  13. #38
    Future Crazy Cat Lady josee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by emma5410 View Post
    I think that is very unfair. I do not think that was Rianna's intention at all. She is further down the path than either of us and will have a better understanding of the suffering involved. As for humour and smiling. You can never have enough of that especially when you are transitioning.
    I was not talking about Rianna. I was talking about people who like to come on here who are not going through what some of us are and make light of another's plight. Rianna knows our pain others who do not should stay out of it.
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  14. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rogina B View Post
    The difference between an ordeal and an adventure is YOUR attitude".
    OMG!!! Wow!!! Just absolutely freaking WOW!!! What is unbelievable here is that this NEVER occurred to me!! But it is ALL so clear now that you have pointed it out!! This is an adventure, and just like in the movies, adventures are super cool, super fun, and super awesome!!! I mean, you are right!! I have been looking at this all wrong. Screw ordeals. Ordeals are for saps. So YAY adventures!!!

    Now, what to do about my wife and partner of almost 20 years who has said she will divorce me if I embark on this adventure, my 8 year old daughter, my family, my home, a job, and my friends? I haven't a clue. But who cares? Because this is an adventure!!! And since adventures are like the coolest things ever, it will all somehow just magically all fall into place in the end. Just like in the movies!!

    Oh, and everything that Lea wrote, too.

    @Rianna - don't you dare apologize for anything!! I love you to death, and you know it!!! I also loved how you used the "humour" versus "humor" distinction. Lol!

    @Emma - you misunderstood Jess. She wasn't referring to Rianna.
    Last edited by Anne2345; 07-12-2013 at 09:23 AM.

  15. #40
    Member emma5410's Avatar
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    My apologies. It was just directly above Rianna's post about humour. So I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

  16. #41
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    I should have been clearer in my saying to slow down. I am not talking about the physical act of slowing down. I am talking about slowing the mind down. When we have all this stress and turbulence going on around us we tend to allow things to eat at us. Why, because our minds are working overtime trying to figure out what the next move is. The next thing we know is we start jumbling fact and fiction. This leads to what Anne’s OP was, a total freak out. This is a hard task but if you are going to survive you are going to have to learn to do it.

    Another thing I feel needs to be mentioned. Each and every day we hear about someone having marital problems, separation, getting a divorce. Most of the time we hear all the bad stuff like how bitter and savage the divorce is. We rarely hear of those that split and never have a problem. We never hear of those couples that have remained friends throughout the proceedings. Surprise!!!! You and your spouse do not need to depart the relationship mortal enemies. Instead of acting like third graders at a all you can eat pizza fest or hogs at slop time, act like and treat each other like adults. With a little effort the two of you can come to an agreement and make a clean split. Heck, you might even become best friends. There are thousands out there that are and have done it.
    Last edited by Jorja; 07-12-2013 at 10:28 AM.

  17. #42
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    My beautiful, lovely, amazing younger sister is dying very painfully of terminal cancer as you read this. She will leave behind her incredible two year old daughter who probably will be unable to remember her as she grows up because she is too young. My sister would LOVE to have ANY of our problems. So I get that this is not a competition, and I get that there are many, many people in this world that have it FAR worse than I. But I completely and totally digress . . . .


    Quote Originally Posted by Jorja View Post
    This leads to what Anne's OP was, a total freak out.
    As usual, Jorja, you are correct. My post was a total freak out. But you, too, know me (at least through my writing), and this is what I do from time to time - I freak out. Sometimes I let stress and things build up, they get the better of me, I lose it, and I write about it. Writing about it helps much. It's a coping mechanism for me. It also helps me focus my thoughts and feelings more thoroughly, so I can hopefully figure out and address what's really going on. And, of course, most importantly of all, I am thereafter able to benefit from the wisdom of those such as you who have been there, done that, when you gift my with your responses (for which I am quite grateful, I might add). So yeah, I freaked out. I have done it before, and I will do it again. We all freak out at some point or another, don't we?

    And really, this thread has been extremely helpful to me, for reasons that I will soon write about and submit in a separate OP (I apologize in advance for doing so).

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    you are at a crossroads...
    You are completely right about this, Kaitlyn. But no need for me to tell you this. You already know it, don't you?
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 07-12-2013 at 03:51 PM. Reason: Reply to deleted post removed

  18. #43
    Future Crazy Cat Lady josee's Avatar
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    I think what Jorja is referring to is what my therapist would call "being in the moment". She is continually talking about that and she wants me to do more meditation.

    I love Anne for her honesty and transparency. I think she voices what so many of us feel from time to time but do not talk about. Her posts often get us to think about these things and help newbees know in advance that transition is not for wimps and should be considered carefully before jumping into.

    Comparing transitioning with a family to anything else is insane. I had my own business years ago and had employees also. Piece of cake in comparison.
    Last edited by josee; 07-12-2013 at 12:18 PM.
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  19. #44
    Future Crazy Cat Lady josee's Avatar
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    I have a very optimistic view of my future also, not everyone has our twisted personality flaw though. This is meant to be a support forum I think. We share our stressors and joys.
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  20. #45
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    I have worked extremely hard, and obsessively so, just as so many others of us have, just to get to where I am now. Even more so, I am proud of myself for the accomplishments and victories I have had to date. I like these things. I need these things. I very much desire and strive for positive progress. Still, as you know, as we ALL know, it IS hard. It IS difficult.

    So I make absolutely NO apology for the occasional freak-out here and there. And I make absolutely NO apology for writing about my freak-outs on this forum.

    Also, I do NOT dwell exclusively on the negative. I have written many positive posts in the past. Hell, I have written all kinds of crap here. And each and every OP I have submitted, no matter how serious, ridiculous, crazy, nonsensical, humorous, light-hearted, or just plain random it may be, is important to me, and helps me in some fashion or another, just as this one has.

    But perhaps I have lost some of my patience here and there lately on this forum with some of my responses. It is not without cause or reason, though. And whether right or wrong, I have the battle scars to prove it . . . .
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 07-12-2013 at 03:53 PM. Reason: Reply to deleted post removed

  21. #46
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anne2345 View Post
    ......................straight back to issues of collateral damage and the very real risk of irreparable harm.

    OMG!! That anyone would need to go to such an extreme, in the face of an otherwise perfectly good life, with no guarantee that it will work out afterwards is damn near unfathomable to me. It's pure loony tunes!! It's absolutely nutty, crazy-insane!! It makes no sense at all!! And it is existentially terrifying in the extreme. Yet, to not go forward seems even crazier and even more terrifying.
    Anne, you know I love you but my god are you a drama person (please note the politically correct term)

    Collateral damage is a word invented by mothers of spouses who are being left by their partner. They meet with the partner leaving and implore them: "don't you know how much you are hurting everyone, your "person" (politically correct for wife/husband) your children, your mother in law".... This is of course complete non-sense and simply a guilt trip laid. It says "my feelings are more important/have more value than yours". The primary damage is done to you, remember! It's like saying to a terminal cancer patient that your resent their selfishness. What a crock of sh*t.

    And honey, if you lead an otherwise perfectly good life what the hell are you doing here. But that perfectly good life is of course everything but, isn't it? Not on here but take a minute and count the ways you were going to kill yourself over the last whatever many years. Then take a minute and count how many times you got totally smashed just to forget for one moment, the number of times you wailed inside until the edge of your heart started bleeding?

    If you were here I would take you in my arms and then smack you upside the head, then make supper for you and ask you to tell me everything..... sheesh
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  22. #47
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathryn Martin View Post
    And honey, if you lead an otherwise perfectly good life what the hell are you doing here. But that perfectly good life is of course everything but, isn't it? Not on here but take a minute and count the ways you were going to kill yourself over the last whatever many years. Then take a minute and count how many times you got totally smashed just to forget for one moment, the number of times you wailed inside until the edge of your heart started bleeding?
    No beating around the bush there, or sugar coating it, huh? But the point you have made is undeniable. Suicide and alcohol. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't even begin to count how many times I have drank myself into complete obliteration to escape the thoughts and the pain over the past couple of years. Although not every day, it has been every week without fail. Classic alcohol abuse 101. And thoughts of suicide have been common. I actually came close 5 or 6 weeks ago. Funny how I am able to block those memories out and not think about them afterwards. So yeah, your point is very well taken.

    As is your point about collateral damage. I just feel soooo much guilt about it. Logically, I know that I shouldn't. But I do. And that issue will be the substance of my next OP that I referenced earlier in this thread. While I do feel tremendous guilt, I at least believe I recognize it for what it is, and what it should not be.

    Although I know I deserve the smack upside the head, I would be willing to settle for a big hug, supper, and conversation! Oh, and some nice wine! :-)

  23. #48
    Senior Member stefan37's Avatar
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    Well girl I am transitioning and I do know what you are experiencing. It is not easy and very difficult. But with the attitude you are displaying when people tell you in not so many words to grow up, you lash out at them. Good luck with your transition. You will need it!!
    "When failure is off the table the only thing left is to negotiate levels of success" M Hobbes

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  24. #49
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stefan37 View Post
    But with the attitude you are displaying when people tell you in not so many words to grow up, you lash out at them. Good luck with your transition. You will need it!!
    Ok. You win. I give up. I can't take it anymore. Clearly I am all ****ed up, worthless, and a complete piece of immature shit that has no clue about anything or about what I am doing. I'm done here. I am simply done. Bye bye.

  25. #50
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    This thread is done

    It seems that too many members do not understand the concept of Respect and Tolerance of Other Forum Members

    This thread is now closed
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