Classic Overcompensation 101

[Leah Lynn]

I did the military thing; volunteering to go to "Nam. Got into a clandestine unit, Qualified as a salvage diver (until nitrogen narcosis ended that), jump qualified, even rode with a motorcycle gang. Yup, had to prove there was testosterone flowing!

Now I think about all those wasted years.

Leah

[I Am Paula]

I almost forgot. my 'biker' look. Cowboy boots, jeans , H-D t shirt, vest, and bandana. I looked manly with a capitol M. Then when the Toronto gay villiage came to life, I quickly saw that a majority of gay men dressed just like that. Drats...foiled again!

[CarleyR]

In the business world, male executives are expected to be serious, abrupt, sure of themselves. In fitting into that model, I think I took away some of my ability to act differently. I don't have the flexibility, smiles, or openness that a woman should have.

[GroovyChristy]

I never really tried to be "manly." I just kept to myself and hardly talked to anyone all through middle and high school. Unfortunately I didn't foresee the depression and loneliness that would cause. Not to mention the social ineptitude - I still have a hard time talking to new people. Sure, I had a few friends, but few that were very good. I still deal with the depression but I am proud of my femininity.

[ErinSassyPants]

This got me to thinking. Yes we all overcompensated to a degree trying to be male to hide our true selves, but do we sometimes do the same trying to be female? I find myself looking for any hint of masculinity in my presentation and doing all I can to cover it up. Since my body was ruined by a male puberty and my social skills and mannerisms were shaped by the societal pressures of being born with male parts, it causes me to try to cover that up. I have to do this much more so than a genetic woman will. There is a fear to allow any hint of what I was born as.

So, by overcompensating my femininity, am I creating a new false identity that is also not my true self? How do I know? I have never known who my true self is so am I just creating another illusion? Am I just digging another hole in a different direction? Is it possible to ever just be me? Is there a Me?

This is one of the most insightful thought provoking things I've read since I've been here.

Thank you.

[Debglam]

I cut that rope.

Retired military, former boxer, yada yada yada. . . Now I do, say, and act like "I" like now, in my middle path world. I no longer hide my interests no matter how "girly" they may be considered. I love being asked about makeup and the nuances of tearing down a V-8 Ford, sometimes by the same person. I think a number of the people that I am not out to as trans think I'm gay. So what? It is actually kind of funny watching the wheels turn as they try to figure me out. I'm also getting more and more active in lobbying for transgender causes and laws. Bottom line is it is great to be at a point where you don't give a sh*t what the other guy thinks! In fact, the more you are out in the trans community, you start wondering more about guys obviously overcompensating than someone acting comfortable in their own skin. Hmmmmm, just WHAT are they overcompensating for?????

As to the peppers. . . the next day is the killer!

Deb

[Badtranny]

I did lots of things that were considered 'extreme' to try and prove my place with the boys. (hockey, aggressive skating, mountain biking) But I think the most extreme thing was racing motocross. I started doing it to prove my manhood, but quickly found out that I truly loved the sport. It's a great way to learn about yourself and really learn to manage fear. Motocross to the uninitiated looks crazy and dangerous but it really isn't a daredevil sport at all. In fact, in the years near the end and after I had come out as gay, I actually became a better rider because I wasn't trying to prove myself with aggressive risks anymore. I was able to relax and respect the sport for what it is, a science.

Someday in a couple of years after my physical transformation is complete and totally healed, I think I'll get another bike and start hitting the track again. This time I won't have anything left to prove except to myself.

[Sarah Beth]

I have been wondering myself recently about others and how many of us overcompesated either now or in the past. This has come up with me because I a couple of days ago I ran into someone from way back past who gave me a jolt and a reminder of what I used to be like.

I started dressing when I was 13 and did it for about three years. During that time I had my first bi encounter. I was becoming increasingly worried about someone finding out and I had always been considered somewhat of a geeky, wimpy sort of kid. One day at school an couple of older guys were picking on me and I just sort of snapped. I was screaming at them that I was a "fag" and got into a fight with them. I won't go in the details of the aftermath of all that story.

After that day I became as "macho" in my mind as I could become. I bought a motocycle a week later, started drinking and smoking and if anyone looked at me funny the fight was on. I woiuld do anything, practically take any dare just to prove how much of a "man" I was.

Over the next eight years I did so many crazy things that it's lucky I survived it all. I race motorcyles and dragstsers both on and off the track. I boozed, was with any woman I could get, and got into fights at the drop of a hat. I went from cowboy boots and hats, to long hair and sandles and back again. The whole I was never comfortable with myself. Or what I was doing.

I stopped a lot of that when I got married (39 years ago). She had known me for five years when we got married and her parents were not in favor of it because they knew my past history. After being married a couple of years when my wife was pregnant with our first we had a long talk and I decided I had to make some changes if I wanted to stay married. It was about a week later when I dressed again for the first time in almost 10 years. I am not sure why I did it then I just all of sudden was in some of my wife's things and it felt somewhat right to me.

After that at times I would catch myself doing something to try to overcompensate and try to fight it off. After I came out to my wife and then she finally got comfortable enough with it for it to be ok with her I rarely felt the need to try to justify anything to anyone.

When I was in graduate school I did a project where we developed a method for counseling of gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual persons. I learned a lot from that project about myself as well as others. I just wish I could apply more of what I learned doing that to me.

Ok so I said more here than I intended but I needed to get that off my mind and this seemed like a good place to do it.

[Xrys]

I had to think back. I didn't to anything too crazy, but did perpetuate some stereotypes. I got in belching contests with other boys in middle school. I sang bass in the highschool show choir. I took the same gym class as all the football players, i had to get permission from the coach since i wasn't on the team. I wore jeans, a black tshirt and combat boots all through high school. Joined the airforce and volenteered for a combat communication unit. Even now, iam a security guard at a construction company and have to wonder if i was overcompensating when i applied. Now, i am looking for a job that i can transition with.

[CassandraSmith]

I did various white knuckle sports like motocross, whitewater kayaking, mountain biking and even choose guitar over piano/keyboards despite being very naturally gifted on the piano. I gave up in my early twenties though unless you consider computer programming a masculine activity. Possibly my aversion to cooking might also be some sort of fear of being found out? Interesting question.

[Memzy]

Hot peppers. They make me cry, yet I love curry.

Uhh. I grew a soul patch once, when I was trying to do the super cool manly man thing. It only took like. a year to grow. And it wasn't even that much. I felt so silly with it, that seemed to be the only facial hair I was able to grow excessively.