Ouch, comment from my brother.

[Lady Slipper]

So my brother and I were watching some movie with Hugh Grant in it and the subject of his arrest with the TG prostitute years back came up. His comment. "I don't get Transgenders, what, are they trying to fool people?" I was biting my tongue and facepalming so hard it must have looked like i was having some sort of seizure. I'm not out to him and he's a bit of a racist, homophobic bigot (how we came out of the same household I'll never understand) I just didn't feel like banging my head against that brick wall at that time, but darn it that kind of hurt me a little inside. It's still bugging me two days later, but I see no way to get into the subject with him without eventually having to out myself on terms not of my choosing. Grrr.

-Stephanie

[Ellie52]

Lady slipper
We love our families more than anyone else and their opinions count highly, but sometimes you have to wonder if family members who express distaste at so many non conformist or under represented groups are doing so purely to provoke a reaction. My son (a big hairy tradesman) often spouts racist comments (we have an aboriginal problem similar to the American native indian) but as Kenny Everett used to say "its all done in the best possible taste". Usually these comments are made to make the person saying them feel above others and means they may have an insecurity issue. I would be very careful what you say around your brother as I would say he may be insecure and is using these phrases as a way to make YOU think he is cool.....Ellie (talking crap like usual)

[kimdl93]

You might ask him why homosexuality and transgenderism would bother him so much.

[ArleneRaquel]

Some people just can't except anyone different from themselves, others may be apprenhensive that they may be one of the groups that they despise. Neither of my suggestion my apply in the OP case.

[Eryn]

One can support a community without being a member of that community or outing oneself as a member of the community. You could say "I don't think that they are trying to fool anyone, they're just trying to be themselves."

[RADER]

Stephanie;
Remember an old saying....
You can chose your friends, but you can not chose your relatives.
It seems to be very true in your family.
Good Luck
Rader

[Wildaboutheels]

Is your brother anywhere close to your own age? I suspect he is. If that is the case, you are NOT going to change his mind in any way, shape or form. Translated? Forget about what he said unless and/or until you plan to come out. I imagine a conversation with him on the matter would only make you even more frustrated.

I imagine you feel bad because you did not speak up, but I doubt having done so would have benefited you in any way.

[Badtranny]

Wow, you can't even support the rights of other people to be themselves with your own brother?

Why do people persist in thinking that defending freedom is tantamount to outing themselves? Every non-trans person I know would have said something.

[Alice Torn]

Both my older brothers condemn gays and are racists. One is in prison. The one out of prison throws some anti gay, anti cd barbs my way, too. I think he may suspect. or know something, as he has yahoo too.

[DebbieL]

It hurts when a family member "Rejects us" by putting down what we are.

Until I came out, I had several family members, including a grandfather who was a Fundamentalist Christian, who would say terrible and hurtful things, and I would feel terrible for days.

The problem is that they didn't KNOW that I was transsexual. They new I was a "pretty" boy, that I was "different", and that I was nothing like masculine, nor did I try to be. They had no clue what was really going on. They were ignorant as well. They didn't understand any part of our world. The problem is that I didn't either. I knew I wanted to be a girl, but I didn't even know how to express THAT! I told my parents, some therapists, and even my doctor, but it was like telling them I had been abducted by aliens or that I was psychic and could see the future. I was 13 before Harry Benjamin's paper was published in medical journals, and even then it was controversial and hotly disputed, even discredited in some circles. I was 15 before I met boys who openly admitted to being gay. I was 19 before someone outside my family even hinted at what I was.

Even in erotic literature, the information was confusing and inaccurate. Even when I found people who were accepting, we couldn't even have a conversation. The problem was that I didn't even know what I was, what I wanted, or what was even possible. When I hit puberty, started growing hair in all those places I didn't want it, growing to 6 foot tall, and getting a deep bass voice, I was so upset that I tried to kill myself dozens of times. I also tried to get other people to kill me. I drank to black-outs, I combined booze, recreational, over the counter, and prescription drugs - hoping to either overdose or be so numb that I could get into a fight with someone (I couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag), I hoped they would either kick me between the legs, destroying the "boys", or they would kill me so I'd end up in heaven.

When my grandfather saw me looking at a pretty girl wearing a pretty outfit, walking down the street on a Sunday afternoon, he said "She's a ***** and she's going to burn in hell". He didn't know that I wanted to be as pretty as she was, to wear a pretty outfit like she was wearing, and be the girl I had always wanted to be.

Two of my cousins, one of whom I KNEW was CD and gay, got similar treatment, and ended up actually killing themselves. The worked out ways of killing themselves in a way that would assure that they would die, then repented their sin and claimed salvation and forgiveness of sins (in their suicide notes), then died.

Out of 25 cousins, at least 15 went into self-destruct mode at some point or another. My sister had an abortion, my brother tried to kill himself in the army (pulled the pin and dropped the grenade by his shoes), my mother ended up in a psychiatric ward for 2 years after I was born, and several of the cousins turned to drugs.

A big part of the problem was that the horrible things said, were said by people who had no idea who they were talking to. Grandpa didn't know I was transsexual, or that my cousins were gay, or that mom had been brutally raped by her fiance', whose father was a top politician. He didn't know my sister had been told she couldn't get pregnant unless she was having her period, or that she believed him because no body had told her anything about birth control.

In my 36 years in 12 step programs, including 33 years of continuous recovery, I have heard stories that were amazing and shocking. People who were ritually and sexual abused by parents, people who were forced to let their step-father rape them - daily, people who had been brutally raped. I heard most of them share how suicidal and self-destructive they became. For many, death wasn't their terror, it was the possibility that they might have to LIVE in their own skin, living roles they hated, for half a century or longer.

Your brother has no idea who he is talking to. No guarantee that he will accept you when you tell him. My brother cut off contact with me because he didn't want to be reminded that his brother was his sister, and more important, he didn't want his friends, including facebook friends, to find out.

There have been hundreds of times when people have made comments that were sexist, racist, homophobic, and hateful, not realizing they were talking to a transsexual living in stealth.

[jillleanne]

Too bad you kinda froze on the subject; it would have been a perfect opportunity to show him how accepting and open you are as a person by educating him on people that aren't exactly like him. Things like, " I don't have a problem with tg people as they are just being who they are, not hurting anyone, not condemning you for being who you are, etc. " " And remember, if you ever have to depend on someone you don't personally know in a life or death situation, for any reason, they may be tg and what would you say to them then? Would you refuse their life saving help because you think they are not like you?"

[Jana]

I just didn't feel like banging my head against that brick wall at that time

If not then, when? It's not about trying to change his opinion, but about standing up for yours. What's wrong with that? And how exactly does saying something automatically puts you in a situation of having to out yourself?

[NicoleScott]

I see no way to get into the subject with him without eventually having to out myself on terms not of my choosing.

Well then, don't get into it with him. You probably won't change his views. You probably have more to lose than to gain.

[Sabrina133]

Well then, don't get into it with him. You probably won't change his views. You probably have more to lose than to gain.

I would agree with Nicole. When i came out to my sisters, one fully accepted and embraced while the other did not and we are still estranged. Her mind is made up and that is that. No amount of logical argument will help her see the light of day.

[Rebecca Watson]

His comment. "I don't get Transgenders, what, are they trying to fool people?"

Perhaps I'm missing something, but what's wrong with this question? Was it the tone or context it was said in? To people who are not familiar with transgenderism, it seems like it would be a plausible hypothesis to think we're trying to fool people.

- Becky

[linda allen]

Wow, you can't even support the rights of other people to be themselves with your own brother?

Why do people persist in thinking that defending freedom is tantamount to outing themselves? Every non-trans person I know would have said something.

We have to pick our battles and this one is probably not a good one to pick. The brother will not change his way of thinking and will wonder why this is important to her.

It's probably difficult for someone who is not "in the closet" to understand the feelings and fears of someone who choses to remain in the closet, but these are real feelings and fears to that person and she has reasons for those feelings and fears.

[Ressie]

His comment. "I don't get Transgenders, what, are they trying to fool people?"

This is one of those things that would throw me off making it difficult to say anything. This would probably bring on emotional distress and leave me dumbfounded.

Other than that my answer would be that there are different cases and many different reasons. Sharing my knowledge any further than that would end up with his response being, "how come you know so much about it"? Now a can of worms has been opened...

[Beverley Sims]

Stephanie,
I would just let it slide for now, your time will come.

[Lady Slipper]

Thanks Linda, this was just not the time or place for that battle. I plan to try to educate my brother, he's not a bad guy, just misguided.

[pedalpusher]

Its a great plan Stephanie! Be prepared for that battle though in case.

[JamieG]

I think there are plenty of ways to respond to that without outing yourself. You could say that you saw a special on TV, that there's a TG person at work (assuming your workplace has many employees and your brother knows no one there), etc. Then follow up with, "Doctors say they don't choose to be that way. Can you imagine how difficult it must be to live like that?"

I can understand your hesitance to speak up, I was the same way not long ago. Heck, I might have even nervously chuckled along. However, I have realized that if we don't speak up, then who will? If we want to change the world, we need to do it one person at a time, and the people we have the most influence on are our family and friends. We can deliver little bits of information in a loving and gentle way, and although it might not change their mind on the spot, it might get them thinking.

[noeleena]

Hi,

As you know im involved with many people & with in one group im a member of, one guy 2nd to our chef let fly at myself in front of some 15 other women . well i did not know what to do or say, well the women closed ranks on him & stood between him & my self & told him to go be quiet else were , i gather its because im different , so I was ready to resign, Jos said no dont do that. well i did not wont to go back.
So im still a member.
Later with another group im a member he was to help us in doing displys in this case , he needed help so i did, till we had to do some prep work so i said ill go get my heavy gear to redo our job so i did the work he then came over & said , i did not know you were a chippy well things changed there & then he was very surprised this woman gears up sorts the job gets it done he was flabergasted, so from then on he has total respect for me one as a person & 2 as a woman. whos not afraid to get stuck in & work.

Okay the point is he rubbised me wrote me off, yet 6 months later he relied on me a mear woman to do the mans job. its about acceptance & respect i have both & from this man because i keeped my mouth shut did my work & gained him as a friend,

I took Jos's advise stayed on & won him over, so sometimes we dont have to do battle not even say anything sometimes all it needs is time & an oppitunity comes .

I need to win a few more women in another group & i will its time & i know ill have more people on my side because i waited or will. & its not by words its by action or doing,

...noeleena...

[Leona]

I'd have said something like "No, they're just being who they are, and there's nothing wrong with it."

Of course, I've had that conversation with my mother, which was quite a surprise. She didn't totally buy it, but at that time she didn't know I was a CD.

When I was finally out, my brother warned me that I shouldn't be showing off my "fetish" to the world, because sexual matters are private. I asked him what he was talking about and he just blew up and walked away. I'm still not sure what he's talking about, but I suspect it's the CDing, not the part where my wife and I went shopping for sex toys in a hardware store...

[Meg East]

I feel for you. Nothing like prejudice in the family. We too have a bigoted family member who is also a cop. When the family is together we ignore bigotry and concentrate on his good points.

[Eryn]

I agree that peace must be kept in the family, but I pity the poor trans person that comes into that cop's sights.