Page 15 of 16 FirstFirst ... 513141516 LastLast
Results 351 to 375 of 377

Thread: Tips to an SO's acceptance

  1. #351
    GG
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Location
    Merseyside UK
    Posts
    137
    Thankyou Phili
    I think i have read one of your journals online? describing how you feel. Very interesting reading.
    It is very complex and i am still confused in my head as to what i am even down to the point of the dressing side which i enjoy myself. If guys dress as ladies they are crossdressers but what if a lady likes to dress to the same extreme? What does that make her? As a child girls dress up in mums clothes etc but usually they grow out of that side as they get older, but if it stays with her and she stil enjoys dressing then what? Yes it is normal for GGs to dress and buy clothes to go out in but when it becomes dressing just for fun even on their own and wearing clothes that are maybe classed as sissy even what is she? I have been asked have i dressed in male clothing but the answer is no. I am very much girly and love frills and lace and big dresses etc but they are not the norm for everyday GGs. I wouldnt venture outside in them thats for sure. So i do wonder if as people say dressing can start at an early age with CDs can this also happen for GGs too but its not really noticed to the extent it is for guys simply because we are GGs and it still girls clothing we are wearing. I hope that makes sense xx
    `There is no better way to find out if your taste in clothes is good than seeing somebody that dresses wearing the same outfit!!`

  2. #352
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    93
    I can say that after having told my wife about my CD’ing, our communication has improved greatly (not that it was bad before). I kept this a secret for a very long time. Now that she knows, my communication with her is an open book. If she has a question, I answer without hesitation. If there is something I would like to have, I check with her first. I do that for two reasons. One, that way she knows I’m buying something and two, I’m making sure she is ok with my desired purchase. So far she has been very excepting and she knows that even tho I like to CD, I’m still me. I’m still the man she married. Someone in this thread mentioned bending over backwards for his wife. I do the same. Anything she wants or needs, I do my best to make it happen. Whatever I can do to make her life easier since I owe her the world.

  3. #353
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    San Francisco Peninsula
    Posts
    1,436
    Re GGs relationship to dressing
    Dress is the first thing specified for us a babies- and then hammered in day after day- so it is no wonder it is the primary signal for sexual identity. Women are trained how to dress and that it is how they are known as women. Thus gender behavior and grooming norms get linked to sexual [anatomical] gender- i.e. if you are a girl or boy then this is how you dress and act. It is like gravity- very simple and everpresent rule governing everything- for most people.

    The whole transgender thing is new and confusing- where it used to be easy- mannish girls and girlish men were gay, and were expected to stay in the closet and not make waves. So our SOs have no idea what this means for them, except that it is devastating and out of bounds. Those that have trans/bi leanings or who are supremely secure in their identity, can understand and try to appreciate their cross-dressing spouse. That is a small percentage of partners, just like cross-dressers are a small percentage of partners, so it is rare to match.

    Women are taught that their dressing is messaging- are you practical or whimsical, ****ty or chaste, etc. Are you flaunting your wealth or trying to attract attention, competing with your peers or trying to fit in ? Do you indulge in lacy underthings or not. It is a daily mass of decisions, as anyone who waits for a GG to get dressed to go out has witnessed!

    Status and safety are huge for all of us, and women in particular- with respect to how secure is their man relationship- and how supportive, durable, etc.

    So my wife can barely get her thoughts around how she feels when seeing me dressed:
    - she can't accept that it doesn't mean I am gay and leaving her for depraved company
    - if anyone found out they would assume she was lacking/failed as a sexually attractive woman
    - she hates seeing my desirable manly characteristics, that she previously 'owned', being mixed up with womanly affectations [I use that word since it assumed that it is not natural]
    - she is a real woman and as such owns the right to decide when and how to be sexy and attractive in the feminine realm. She doesn't like me infringing on that right and claiming it for myself
    - she doesn't dress in anything short or show off her legs and she doesn't think women should, so I shouldn't either.

    These are all linked into an impenetrable knot of problems, even when she thinks about trying to live with it- does it mean she would have to do it too? Does she have to play act that I am cute and sexy, when she doesn't feel it, and would rather she was the one doing it if anyone does, [which she doesn't want to but to her that is beside the point!]

    She was deathly afraid that our elderly women neighbors would find out, but after i did come out to them, with no ill effects, she still can't accept it - The web of how she calculates status and safety does not include 'being a modern woman who understands and supports men who have some gender complexity'.

    I'm trying to tell her it is like a glacier melting- I am finding myself, there is no turning back, and I feel much better- more whole and emotionally available. She says she can't tell any difference, but that is impossible, since I really am a much better partner for her now. But she is very emotional and the fear and tension override any desire to process it. She is banking on total rejection as the best strategy, though she knows it isn't good for her either.

    On my side, I am getting nicer and more gentle, more solicitous and attentive, and deal with the issues at hand. I want to and am making sure I fulfill her survival and physical security needs, and keep improving our nest. She knows I love her fully and am devoted to her, which in the end has to win this battle with historical fear-based training.
    -
    Last edited by phili; 03-02-2018 at 12:21 AM.
    We are all beautiful...!

  4. #354
    New Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2
    I have been up front and honest with every woman I've met since my wife passed 10 years ago. She gave me acceptance and nurturing. I have always known who I am and donot see the point in hiding it for 1 minute. It's the deal-breaker and I don't want a woman to tolerate it is want her to enjoy it. I'm also bisexual which I also made clear to my present day wife weve been together for 3 years and my bisexuality I think she would hope I'd grow out of or she could control lol. Although she loves having a girlfriend in Robyn, every time we have plans to get done up and go play some bs starts and everything gets cancelled. I've always been upfront because this is who I am and no one else should try to control that. We share men together and she did more before we were married. It causes fights and I'm standing at the fork in the road. Be me or try to explain and make changes to the effect of what I need. I just don't feel that anything will change.

  5. #355
    happy and complete kkaye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Houston, Tx
    Posts
    111
    Similar with me but myEx SO always threw my CD in my face everytime she did something. It became a crutch for justification. Every lie , I caught her in, I am being called a liar and a cross dresser. Fact is she was the problem, She come in at 2 in the morning. I get it thrown in my face how I been wearing her clothes. Get caught in a lie, She shows me a makeup , I left somewhere, Bottom line. We broke up because of it just being a bad relationship.
    My advice is. If differences are not fixed in one or two discussions of any problem. Treat it as not being fixed and will linger and even attach to other new crap. Good relationships that have these constant little or big spats are the signs of a diseased relationship. Work on an exit plan on your terms and time. Most of all keep it to yourself and make sure you hint and offer her an exit plan.

  6. #356
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    15,813
    Moderator Note

    We are starting to stray off topic.

    This thread is about tips to members being accepted by your 'SO'.

    Please keep it that way.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  7. #357
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Location
    Washington DC suburbs
    Posts
    111
    I’m new here, but I’d like to offer my insights since I recently came out to my wife. We’ve been married 19 years, 2 kids, and otherwise normal life and recently ended an extremely high stress job that gave me time to reflect on myself and my relationship. I think that my context in coming out is important - our marriage was fine on the surface, no major issues, but in truth we had slowly grown apart over the past several years. As I neared retirement from my job, I increasingly thought and dreamed of dressing more. But after retirement, I quickly realized that I really needed to get back into the role of being a husband and father. I spent a month reconnecting with my family and it was great! As I neared retirement, I thought that my urge to dress was stress induced, but after retiring the urge was still there, just like it’s been my entire life. So I wrote a letter to my wife and came out as a “full fledged” crossdresser. I wasn’t sure how much of a surprise this would be, since she’d always known that I liked wearing lingerie, pantyhose, and stockings in the bedroom. She was OK with that, but probably thought it was more of a sexual kink and not really a necessary expression of my own personality.

    Themes expressed in the letter:
    - This was always a part of me that I kept hidden
    - I no longer want to hide it from you or keep secrets like this
    - I’d like to develop my feminine side WITH your help and support
    - This isn’t about sex, I’m not gay, not cheating
    - I don’t feel like I’m transgendered and dont’ want to give up my male self
    - I don’t want the rest of my family, friends, or kids to know about this

    Upon receipt of the letter, it took her a few nerve racking days to collect her thoughts. We booked a couples spa weekend where we could decompress and get away from the kids - this ended up being amazing and helped us both de-stress. Interestingly, neither of us talked a ton about my CD side all that much, other than a few small bedtime discussions. She revealed that her biggest fear was me going out, sneaking around, and having sex. I’ve never cheated on her, but it shows that her mental picture of being a CD was different from mine. For about a week or 2, she voiced that she’s at least tolerant even though she doesn’t understand. I found a couples counselor and we also started counseling (that’s another subject... so far we’ve had 2 sessions with the counselor and we’re not 100% convinced that she’s right for our needs). During this time, I started to write a journal, spanning from the time I was a kid, going through school, through various stages of our married life, and how my dressing evolved during that time in response to life changes. Additionally, I discussed how my dressing started as a sexual kink/fetish, but over time I realized that I’ve got a hidden woman inside me. I think my journal turned into about 7 pages. I never gave her the journal, but I found that it was absolutely essential once we sat down (about a month after my initial “coming out”) and had an extended talk.

    She was much more inquisitive by this point. I can’t say that either of us fully understands why I’ve got this side, I think she at least understands it at least to the point that she doesn’t view it as a threat. She even asked me if I’d like makeup, wigs, or breast forms and I said yes. For me, I’d like breast forms and body shapers simply to fill out a dress and not because I feel like I am missing or should have been born with breasts. I explained how I’d like to occasionally (1-2 days a month) fully dress, and that to me, looking down and seeing a flat chest would be about the same as looking down a nice dress and seeing hairy legs and combat boots. I explained that, yes, I like the feel of women’s clothing, but additionally, I really do have a certain percentage of me who truly wants to be a woman for a day. My true desire to be fully dressed and as passable as possible is what confirms that this isn’t just a fetish or kink. I’m 5% girl trapped inside an otherwise normal man’s body and mind.

    I could go on forever, but in the end, gaining an SO’s acceptance isn’t a simple thing that you do. It’s a process, and it’s bound to have ups and downs. She has a right to tell me what her comfort level is, and she has a right to have varying degrees of comfort as time goes on. So do I, and we’ve found that the key so far has been open communication and not being afraid to say those things that you fear saying the most.

    Good luck to everyone! I’ve got an amazing wife and after going through this, I’d really like to help anyone else.

  8. #358
    Member nikinylons's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    223
    WAY TO GO LYNNE!!!!! It's not what you do, but how you do it right? Proud of you girl!
    Last edited by Shelly Preston; 02-06-2018 at 02:07 PM. Reason: no need to quote all of the previous post for a one line reply
    I'm half the man I used to be, and twice the person that I once was...and Nothing beats a great pair of L'eggs. Be all you can be ladies! WARNING:Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies, projects, or any other purpose - YOU DO NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION To Use Any Of My Profile Or Pictures In Any Form Or Forum Both Current And Future.

  9. #359
    New Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Posts
    3
    Lynneskirts

    I read you email and was amazed at how similar our situation is. I'm sixty. Not retiring, but getting to where I am letting my sons handle more and more of the work. We've got two grand kids, been married 35 years. The only additional thing I have is gynecomastia. anyway, long story short I had a major crisis at work and ended up having a nervous breakdown. Through that process, I saw a counselor and after a few sessions with her...came to understand that I was a cross dresser, and it is a part of who I am. Slowly, I began to process all this and began to tell my wife about it. Its taken a while but she has come around. She even helped me figure out what size bra i needed now that I have gynecomastia, (40 C!!). It s a long process, but it has brought us much closer together.

  10. #360
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    San Francisco Peninsula
    Posts
    1,436
    Now that I am out in the world dressed fairly often, I feel accepted- with neutral tolerance by most, faint and ill-defined reservations by some, and friendly welcome by a few. But now that the thrill of crossing over is replaced by simple pleasures of dressing, such as they are, I have a pretty good sense of what it is like for women to wear women's clothes. And I have come to a much more realistic understanding of the SO's feelings and the reservations we encounter against the acceptance we seek.

    In a nutshell here is what I have come to. it is a bit of a book- and it is meant to help understand our partner better-

    For women, clothes are carefully chosen branding messsage. Most important first statement- I am a woman. Then - such and such type of woman. Then- here is what I think is appropriate for this situation, or at least where I was just before seeing you -i.e. visiting the gas station after work. Then- I trust you to understand all this and do the right thing towards me.

    Obviously income, and weather, and what is clean, and what is the occasion, and desire to rebel against it all are also at play, but basically 'what to wear' is a decision with a meaning a target audience for the message.

    This is true for men, too, and again the primary message is "I am a man". The messaging about anatomical gender is understood to be the most important question- for mating and future reproduction, for sexual interchange, for predictability of behavior and therefore safety- economic and otherwise. Men have certain powers in society, and women have special roles, too. When you SO picked you, they also thought about how their choice made them look to important others in their lives. They made a bet on us for a lot of things, based on our anatomy and our expected behavior.

    Is it any wonder that so many of our SOs are shocked- deeply when we brand ourselves as their sex and flood the relationship with new information about ourselves? Everything is undone- destabilized, lost, in question, dangerous. For female crossdressers, the shock for their male SO is the same story in reverse- what happened to my woman- the one who is societally entrusted with emotional work and safety, and who will back me up?

    The SOs who are not shocked, who see opportunity are rare- and may be unknowingly bi or transgender. There are also a very few SOs who unconditonally love and move forward to support us as we see our need. There are some whose decades of social and cultural training are modifiable by logic- much as parents who find their children are trans, but a trans SO falls in a different category from a trans child for most people. Rather than being our offspring, who is a mystery and helps us figure out what to do, SOs choose each other based on mutual expectations. It is of course devastating to find that you have been lied to, or just that such an important secret was withheld.

    It doesn't seem to reduce the shock, dismay, or anger when we say we were afraid to reveal it, or that we trusted our partner would be ok with it because they are such good people. It is expected that we would be sure to tell our story, the unfair expectations being that we would understand it, and know how they would feel so if we loved them or were just honest, we would have told our secret.

    It is nearly as bad to find out that a transgender time bomb in your partner just went off to the surprise of both of you. Unlike a serious accident or a terrible disease they have heard about, it seems to the affected SO that it is somehow voluntary or at least manageable like a gambling addiction. And unlike gambling, the sexual secret aspects of cross-dressing tempts us and or SOs to hide it with even more fear of impending shame.

    There is a small but growing body of research on the roots of transgender experience. This is helpful in proving the murkiness of it all, but is only useful when someone wants there to be a reason and will accept the reason and let us be valid. Generally, our partners feel wronged and desperate and taking a huge and important loss, much greater than any they expected from a marriage. They are just not in a place where they can be forgiving. Acknowledging that is important to the conversations we still want to have.

    My tips- then, from having come a long way over 18 months, from closet secret to naively fully disclosing and mistakenly thinking the door was wide open, through the meltdown of my wife, DADT, therapy, and coming out to our daughter and neighbors, and now feeling at peace about my choices with DADT as the plan.

    Before doing anything else, devote as much time as possible to understanding the depth and range of your transness. The Forum is super useful for that, as is spending time on other CD web sites and testing your feelings. This is a lot more difficult than it looks, since we tend to simplify so much. First step is to get as much out on paper in a journal as you can, or better- post your thoughts on the Forum. If your partner is not inclined to help, turn to the membership to help and focus on the half full part- everything you can learn.

    For every statement of truth you come to about yourself, after you get others' feedback here, try to dispassionately test whether it is true. Take the opposite point of view- i.e. In what ways isn't it so great to wear women's clothes? How much time does it take to 'look good'? What messages am I actually sending beyond how cute I look? What do I want people to think or feel towards me? Is that reasonable? Is it going to happen? What would I be gaining and giving up if I had to wear stockings and heels everyday to work? What if I like my manhood but just am jealous of sexy lingerie? What if I actually had a boyfriend- what would it be like when he is watching football and asks me to get beers for him and his buddies, who are not in the mood to appreciate me? What do I really look like to someone considering whether to get to know me? This was all very difficult to do for me, as my desire was so great that all I could see were advantages.

    This prepared me for making the most progress in self-knowledge by actually doing things in public. Instead of imaginary eyes on me, I get real eyes. I understand my appearance and the feelings of the clothes and behavior in much more detail, de to the much more varied circumstances. I see lots of people and can see and count the cost to others along with the benefits to me. It is safe to do today in many places, so the main difficulty is finding a place where no one knows you so you can test it all out. And it takes time- every day is just one slice, and our SOs had a lifetime of days to experience so much of what we want.

    After doing this, maybe 20 times, what I know is that desirably feminine clothes are somewhat fragile and constrain my actions a bit, but I do like them and am entitled to wear them, as long as I don't mind being looked at funny. And that when actually relating to people I am very glad for the space to be more personal and flexible, rather than 'as expected' for a man [some deeply buried childhood training]. I am happy to be an outlier- claiming space in society as a mirl, since I am a social activist. But after a few minutes, the only thing that matters is whether I am a kind person, interesting, useful, helpful, etc. My clothes are no longer important to anyone else. I'm happy with the bargain, I have succeeded in establishing space for my gender expression, and I can exercise that freedom more or less like anyone else.

    This then gives me calm when talking about myself with my SO and confirming that the world around her is not upset, so she really doesn't have to be. She claims that people hate me but don't say. This is partly true-some people will be stiffly polite, or turn their children's attention away. But for the most part I feel people are relieved that crossing clothing taboos isn't actually a problem. Being at peace instead of worried or guilty or ashamed or provocative or depressed is helpful for our SOs to see, and lowers the tension dramatically. My wife doesn't feel I am leaving, but that I am respecting her needs.

    The next best thing is to ask for dressing at home- where no one else knows except your SO. This is very helpful, since although it is not as simple emotionally as being in public, it does increase how much of your daily life can support cross-dressing and our SOs are our primary relationship. My suggestion is to acknowledge with humor all the objections and frame it as a cuckoo research project, with our SO being of equal importance in recording the results- how we and they feel about things.

    It can be difficult, much like trying to discuss and experiment with sexual practices, or reconsider how money is spent at home. If you have the ability to do that, you probably already are doing this step! But my wife brightened up when I laughed with her when she said something about "wearing that ridiculous outfit! " Keeping it super light acknowledges the basic problem SOs have- we are not women, or men, as the case may be. Being a 'lady' or 'man' for an hour keeps it manageable . Some SOs can work with the secret plan, but for many home life is not separated from public life, and generally secrets are anathema to many people. When more people admit to the trans people in their lives, it will get easier. We are in the pioneer stage on this.

    Next and most available option is to get as much closet time as possible, as it takes quite a while before the novelty and excitement wear off. This, BTW, is what bothers our SOs - there is no excitement for them about clothes after a while, or if there is, they want it as part of attracting us. They see us as both not being there for their idealized fantasies, and then fetishizing in their territory- which, in a sense we are-[since it means we are overly exaggerating the value of an object or behavior] . To us we are just trying to be princesses or wise women like a teenage girl might. To them this is off limits and only can be done if joking about how ridiculous it is and crazy making.

    Safety for an SO is knowing that we are still the original foundational gender, and we are just experimenting in a way that is safe for everyone, recognizes the perceived dangers, reinforces assurances that we are not moving away from our basic agreements with them, etc.

    Significant relationships are slow moving in terms of major changes, and this is difficult when we are exploding inside, so my best path has been to get as much done as possible without bothering her. I am then relaxed, which means she can relax, so that we can negotiate small things.
    Last edited by phili; 03-03-2018 at 01:03 PM.
    We are all beautiful...!

  11. #361
    Junior Member Betsy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Location
    Southeast
    Posts
    30
    At least for me I believe that my chances for acceptance are predicated on me being honest and forthright with my SO and for her to believe me. She needs to understand why I CD. I don't want there to be any incorrect assumptions on her part. This is all so new for us but so far things have started out well.

    I love looking at women particularly those who feel good about themselves. I can look and appreciate without feeling the urge to touch! I like the way I look and feel when I CD. My wife needs to understand that I have no hidden objectives aside from wearing clothing that excites me and makes me feel good about myself. It's not about me wanting to transition or to have intimate relations with others. I think if I can convince her of this my chances are good that she will be able to accept this.

  12. #362
    New Member Kendal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Location
    Windsor Ontario
    Posts
    2
    My wife seems to be very accepting of my change, just today she took me out to shop for skirts and tops, a nice nighty and last week she brought home a wig that she found in a store. Short dirty blonde, I love it... She still only wants me dressing in the house where I can be discreetly out of sight of friends and neighbors. I hope that will change soon and I'll get to show off my look in public. I think she is becoming comfortable with me dressing as a woman with encouragement from a good friend of ours who also dresses.
    Anyways thank you for letting me into your community. Kendal

  13. #363
    New Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    3
    My SO and I have been married for 30 years. He came out to me a out 25 years ago.

    CDing has been a PART of our lives since then, at home and when the kids were not around. I never loved it but accepted it as our lives. It worked.

    Now, my SO has decided to take it out in public, shopping, restaurants etc. I can't do this. We have talked about my feelings, about this, but he is going ahead no matter what I feel.

    We have had a very good marriage, but I don't know what to do at this point.

  14. #364
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    Alberta, CA
    Posts
    113
    Hi hindy,


    I will try and keep this short (I have a tendency to drone on), but why is it that you wouldn't feel comfortable with your husband going out dressed in public? It could do wonders for his self esteem and confidence, and even bring you two closer, if you were to stay involved. What if your SO talked about what clothes he wanted to wear, you both, mutually agreed on outfits. Does he want to go out dressed ****ty, conservatively, to draw attention, or just to go out and give it a go? No harm, no foul? Or for another 100 reasons of his own?

    I would really hope that he would consider your feeling, but if you have fears, are they founded? Do they have meaning and purpose? Is it to protect your kids and family, or just yourself? If you expect him not to be selfish, then you can't be either, hindy. You have to consider his needs and wants in all of this, as they matter and are just as important as your own.

    I hope you both can discuss this and it doesn't become an all or nothing situation.

    Good luck to you both on this new chapter of your journey, I wish you both the best.

    -g

  15. #365
    Junior Member TXSara's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    44
    Phili, thanks for your take on this -- I read the whole LONG post!

    I'm now about a month into this new chapter after telling my wife, and things are going as well as could be expected. I've tried to follow all of the sage advice -- being completely honest, taking everything slowly, etc. The lines of communication are open, and she seems to be OK. Good luck to everyone else, and I'll probably continue to log the progress! As Lynne said above, this is a process -- one that I have just started.

    Sara

  16. #366
    New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Posts
    8

    how I told my wife

    As the years of high school continued so did my urge to cross dress. I found that working was a way to keep this expensive habit going and everyone was happy. I found out that catalog ordering was the ticket to restocking my wardrobe. I found myself struggling over and over with the desire to dress and the many purges that followed. On one side I was in seventh heaven when dressed and on the other side I felt so much guilt and denial and was so ashamed that I was dressing like a girl.

    I had very few friends. I could count them on one hand. I hated every waking day of my life in high school. I somehow survived by inventing my own personal friend within myself to talk to. There was very little love at home and my dad made life a living hell. It was almost like ...will I survive until morning. Life was pretty grim. I became introverted and turned very cold to society.
    During my junior year I started having stomach troubles. I thought at the time it must have been an ulcer and just went on with my life. Not really thinking about the things that were eating me alive on the inside. Girl friends were not an option at the time and living in the country with no wheels made it all the worse. Work became a conduit to divert my attention away from the guilt, denial, and shame. The harder I worked the more I did not think about it. I started my work career at age 15 and was able to master it in my early 30-s. I concentrated so hard that I thought I could erase cross-dressing from my mind. However, this did not stop the effect of the being in the closet, as I will explain later.
    Work entailed sweeping the floor at my dad's shop. I had to walk there after school and always passed the church on the way. Our minister always told us that the church would always be open if we ever needed to prey. I remember several times stopping by and preying in the dark asking for god's forgiveness and letting this madness end. At the time I thought cross-dressing was a terrible thing and purged my wardrobe several times. I never really understood that this was the way god created me and was a hidden gift until almost thirty years later.
    As I entered into college it was like a whole new world. People were actually friendly and I made several permanent friends. During my first year of college the urge to dress became so great that I once again purchased a whole new line of lingerie. They had to be very tight and restrictive. Almost like punishing myself. I even had the balls to go in person to Sears to buy an 18 Hour all-in-one girdle. As you can imagine I got quite a look from the sales clerk. I vividly remember stopping on route 2 and changing in the car on the way to see one of my college buddies. You can imagine the adrenaline rush as all the cars were whizzing by and there I was naked and squeezing my way into a brand new all in one girdle. It is amazing how compelling the urge is and I was quite desperate sometimes.
    At home I became the master of hiding the stuff. I thought I was really good at keeping this a secret. All along I was thinking about how good it would feel to be tight laced into a very tight restrictive corset. The idea of having a tiny waist and having that constant hug was something I craved for. I spent quite a lot of time over the years trying to find a corsetiere to make one but never seemed to find one. I even tried to construct one from scratch but it never worked out.

    Then one day at college it happened, I met a girl. I disliked her at the time. She had so much makeup on she looked out of place. As the weeks progressed I soon became friends and we started dating. She was the one to ask me out. We would spend hours talking and having fun. Three years would pass before I married this gal, my future wife.

    The shit hit the fan at home once again. While I had my girl friend and two of her friends over at our house for a visit, my dad popped in to say hi. He asked me what the nature of the letter he was holding was all about. Evidently the mail order company was interested in finding out how I liked all the lingerie that I had purchased. The company was very interested in my opinion and satisfaction. My jaw must have hit the ground. There were three girls and my dad in front of me waiting for an answer and my face was beet red and on fire. By now I had become a master at dreaming up ideas. I said it was for a fraternity prank. Of coarse that's it! They bought it. I had to be way more careful.

    Cars and women then became a big motivator for me. Cross-dressing seemed to take a back seat for a while. During one of my dates with my wife I told her that I had done things that I could never admit to. I never had the guts to admit cross-dressing to anyone at the time. One seems so alone and as if you are the only one on the planet. At the time it didn't matter. We were in love. Love was such a new thing and distracted my attention away from the cross-dressing. I thought I could hide it from her forever.

    Around this time in my life I grew a beard and never once shaved it for 25 years. It was a facade for me to hide behind. A masquerade show to prove I was manly.
    The wedding day finally came. When we went on our honeymoon and I remember buying her lingerie for the celebration. She wasn't really all that enthused when I presented the gift to her. She did wear it to please me though. This act was a way for me to enjoy the lingerie without me wearing it. As a few years passed I bought her many outfits of lingerie to wear. She would wear them a few times and seldom again. It should have been apparent to me that she didn't really get into dressing this way. So it became like an obsession to me. The more I bought the more she had to wear and the more she rejected it. During these years the compelling urge never bothered much. As long as I could enjoy it on her it was leaving me alone. This was the escape from reality.
    One night during one of our more creative and wild sexual encounters I had tied my wife up and blind folded her. I then went and changed into some of her lingerie and returned for some wild sex. It is amazing how the alcohol relaxes the mind and the true inner person emerges from within. The girl within was having the time of her life with my wife and suddenly my wife realized what I was wearing. Even though she could not see she could tell what I had on. She was not a happy camper. Not a good way to let her find out. I blew it off as just some fun and she seemed Ok with that even though deep down I wanted to tell her. I never pulled that one again as I did not have the courage. I had slipped up. I just could not face the truth and tell her. I tried to bury the cross dressing back deeper into my mind.

    Children finally came about and then the urge for me to dress reappeared as well. Not having sex for six weeks was hard. The cross dressing was back in full swing. This time I had to be very careful. I dare not let her find out. I really wanted to secretly get into her wedding dress but the opportunity never presented itself to this day. I became very worrisome that I would forget some detail and slip up. This worrying led to a very horrible stomach disorder that I did not know the cause of at the time. It manifested over time from many years prior. Atrophic Gastritis - the lining of my stomach had disappeared. It became so bad that I told the doc that if this were how life had to go on I would rather die. The doc had said that this was a disease that women usually get and there was no set time period for cure. They didn't know the cause and didn't know the cure except for time. Just the news I needed to hear - I had a womanly disease. With drugs it took 8 years to get over.

    Then one night I was to embark on a very difficult journey. It started by us watching a special on Drew Carry. He went on to tell how he was child molested when he was a young boy. That statement hit me like a bolt of lighting. I was frozen in time as I remembered back to when it had happened to me. Tears started to run down my cheeks as I listened and tried to fight back the tears. I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of my wife. This was the start of me coming to terms with my hidden past and the cross-dressing. Slowly but surely I was coming out and there was no stopping. For quite a long period I struggled with what was going on inside me. I seemed out of sorts and had no control over emotional things. My wife asked me for the longest time what was ailing me and that she could see a dramatic change in me, as I was depressed and very quiet once again.

    I bought a book called Parting the Leather Curtain. At the time it seemed something to re spark the life back into our marriage and get me out of the rut I was in. Written by mistress Jacqueline, It was her life story and how she came to terms with it. It talks about how she evolved from being a submissive partner who always wanted to be spanked. Eventually she became a Mistress who now provides these activities to individuals who need it. I was one of those people. I deserved to be punished and wanted it to be at my wife's hand. I tried to get my wife to read the book and kind of get the idea. She wasn't into this sort of thing. I became even more demanding. Now I was becoming sadistic. I wanted my wife to tie me up and treat me bad like she was my leather-clad mistress. You know all the associated things that go with it. I was becoming a different man. Almost like Dr. Jerky and Mr. Hyde. Our marriage was suffering badly.
    She woke up one morning upset and suggested that I go see a Psychologist. The funny thing is that I did. The same morning I made an appointment at the Cleveland clinic. I knew the problem but didn't want to think about it. Prior to seeing the doc I wrote down most of what I have written here except for the major cross dressing stuff. I was trying to fix blame somewhere else like the world was at fault. During my first visit I read the doc everything and was very close to breaking down. I wanted her to know that I was there to save our marriage. She stated that I had to tell my wife the same thing I had read to her.

    I was in shock. I wanted her to do the legwork. I wanted her to do the telling with hopes that my wife would be accepting of my cross-dressing. I finally got up the nerve to tell my wife. Not the complete part of my desires, just the fringe stuff. I kept my composure and she was in shock. This info had caught her totally off guard. I thought it would be the end for sure. Low and behold she sort of accepted it and agreed to attend the next meeting with the doc. At the next visit the doc suggested that I continue the mild cross-dressing. I was the happiest man alive then. But it took two more trips to the doc for my wife to accept what I was doing. I felt good that I had saved the marriage and had the blessing to cross dress. I thought I was in seventh heaven.

  17. #367
    Member Mermaiden's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    240
    Francineman,
    Your entry is moving and almost heart breaking in parts. Sounds like you’re on a good path forward with your wife. Hoping for the best for you.

  18. #368
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Location
    Virginia USA
    Posts
    3,470
    Francinemann, Wow That was some post, I found it a very interesting read. That was certainly a long journey to get where you are currently. I’m happy your wife is accepting as that makes things so much nicer. I have to say I was very touched by it and could identify with parts of it. Crissy

  19. #369
    New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Posts
    8

    do's and dont's for accepting wives

    You must love yourself first!

    DON'T lie:
    When you tell her, be an open book. Answer her questions when she asks. Tell her that you will answer any question she has and will be honest. This establishes trust.
    Don't tell half truths, this will hurt later on down the line and we found this one out the hard way.

    Lets face the facts: We have mastered the art of lying! Most of us anyhow. Be honest and upstanding. Even though you might feel that the earth will swallow you up when you tell her. You have to tell her!!!!!! Not let her find out. Be a man and tell her! I remember the time I told my wife and I wanted to die but she slowly realized this was a big part of who I am.


    DON'T steal her clothes:
    If you have in the past, FESS UP. Then stop. We don't like to share. We don't want you stretching out our favorite blouse, or heaven forbid ruin one. (note) some wives are cool with sharing. Just ask/talk first.

    Ahhhhh this is a big one! If you do and she finds out there will be war. All they can think of is cooties!............unless she asks you to wear her stuff. Otherwise her stuff if off limits!



    DO tell her when its going to move further:

    I think we all have to figure out where we are going and what the end result will be. Be honest and reasonable. I for one want all of my body hair gone. My wife loves this part and it is not negotiable. Just one of the things I have to live with.




    My Personal Thoughts

    The following is the unfinished business I struggle with from day to day within myself. It is not what's wrong with me, just stuff I think about and ponder from time to time. I know we all think about hidden stuff within our own minds but this is the stuff that bugs me all the time. Some of this is scary even for me to write. I guess maybe we need to face our fears to find out who we are and where we are headed. Don't get the wrong idea here. I'm not going off to the deep end.

    I often ask myself what the hell I am doing. This usually stems from "zoned out" daydreaming. Those that know me well know what I am talking about. I can stare right through people and things as if they do not exist for several minutes at a time. I daydream about cross dressing and becoming transgendered. I also daydream of difficult problems to solve. I often find myself doing this and it leads to tremendous procrastination at work. Work piles up and I get very little accomplished. Even worse is when it happens during business meetings. Thank god it doesn't happen every day. It is very embarrassing when someone is talking to you and you see right through him or her as if they don't exist. This also leads to depression that is usually short lived. I know I must control this. It has been with me all my life just like crossdressing.

    Back in the early 80's I remember very distinctly about writing to Spartacus about how I always thought about becoming a woman. Back then I never gave it much thought and it scared me so much I pushed it far back into my mind. How could one ever think about such a thing? What prompted me to write that? Was it a subliminal time sensitive thought just escaping at the right moment? I really didn't do that did I? I never realized that 20 years later it would come back to haunt me and keep me from being productive. I go through these phases every now and then but the reality of it all just cannot work. I enjoy being myself too much and living the life of Francine is just a fantasy. Or is it? That is the struggle. It is like riding on a see saw day after day. I just want it to stop and let me live my life peacefully. This cannot exist at the same time my marriage does and certainly society and business just won't allow Francine to run the business. I love my wife and family more than anything. Something has to give, as the life of Francine is not a viable option. The contract and commitment I gave long ago rules my life by my ethics. I will uphold my end of the bargain.

    Long ago there was a time where I used to be like my father. He hated queers and his war stories from the Navy were a testiment to it. Like him I was convinced that any guy who like guys or guys who did feminine things was being queer. I was a kid at the time and had no idea why. It was just the thing to do because my dad said so. I never knew anyone that was this way, or so I thought. To this day the thought of the word seems to be the most hideous thing to me. A very poor choice of words dad! As I began to mature I realized I was not that far removed from these folks that were called queer or gay. The dilema was what would my dad think of me if he ever knew about me?

    In high school there was a kid two years older than I and he always carried his books like a girl and would sit like one. The kids always picked on him and made fun of him. The sneering and talking behind his back was always eating away at him. About ten years later he had SRS surgery. It was the talk of the town and quite a shock to everyone including me. In 1980's this was quite a big deal. I just couldn't understand what would make someone want to trade sexes. I really wanted to meet this guy/girl because I felt sorry for her/him. I didn't know why at the time. It was just easier to go along with the crowd and make fun of it. I always wonder what happened to this person. I still remember his name but know nothing of his family.

    Another kid in my own class was very much the same way. He was a friend prior to school and I always felt a pull to befriend him but never did. As young children he taught me how to climb up a rope. I thought this was a real feat. We never really connected throughout school. As school progressed he became more and more withdrawn from the rest of the kids. He was different and we all knew it. He isolated himself from the rest of society and stay far removed from the mainstream. Could you blame him? Every once in a while I see the guy and want so badly to talk to him but do not know how to ask of his nature. What do you do just go up and ask if he is gay or transgendered? I want the chance to tell him it is OK.

    On my way through college I met my future wife and we became best friends. I knew that she had two brothers and a sister but never met the brothers. One lived in New York and the other lived in California at the time. After we were married I then met my wife's brothers and found out they were both gay. I about wanted to die! How could it be I was chosen to marry into such a family? I was ashamed to tell anyone. For years I felt so ashamed to be associated with them for fear of what the rest of the world thought. As I look back everyone else knew and never said a word. It was almost like a secret.

    After marriage we were on a flight down to Miami and I had to be the one chosen to sit next to a gay guy. You kind of get the idea when you ask where they are heading when they say they are visiting "just friends" at thanksgiving. He was also taking along a box of Godiva chocolates. I knew the routine after knowing my brothers in law after several years. You know full well they have names but won't acknowledge them ever. I remember asking my wife, why it was me who always gets the gay guys. Maybe part of the big picture was that I was being broken into the thought of accepting this behavior a little at a time. I think someone was trying to tell me something.

    One day at work, I received a call from one of my childhood buddies. He called after 17 years without contact to make up for lost time. Our high school friendship had become fractured during high school over a stupid argument. He had called to tell me he missed the days when we were kids. We did have many great times when we were kids. We both attended a science fair. He was trying to study the effects of toluene producing cancer in mice and I was trying to study the effects of electron bombardment with a particle accelerator, a home made one I might add. The call was short and brief and I thought the call so strange and did not make much talk. We said our good bye's and it ended. A couple of weeks later I learned he died from aids. I almost wanted to crawl into a whole and die. I had let him down by not offering my friend ship in return. He had called to mend the past as he knew his time was near and I was the one who barely said a word. I felt like a heel. Arthur I am truly sorry for not extending my friendship in return.

    Business also took me to New Jersey very close to where my brother in law lived in NY. I stayed with him one night to save money for a room. He showed me all of New York City and I was never so scared in all my life riding on a subway train in another world with a gay guy. It was packed with people. The people there were very standoffish and I felt isolated. The people in New York are way different than the Midwest. Not friendly at all. We went to a town carnival and had a wonderful time. I stayed the night, did my business in Jersey and left for home. It didn't seem all that bad staying with a gay guy. He seemed perfectly normal to me. He made me breakfast and I met several of his close friends. Then a few years later he died from aids as well. It was a very sad day for the family but I never saw why at the time. I just thought it was justice for gay guys having too much of a good time. I had fallen into the trap of condemning gay people just like society. It wasn't right and it wasn't funny.

    Years later I eventually came out of the closet. An extremely emotional time I might add. Years of pent up feelings I was too afraid to express all racing out of me at once. This is when I realized I was not that far removed from gay and transgendered folks. This is when I realized that being gay or transgendered is part of the norm. I was beginning to understand the big picture about me and the rest of the world. God had created them just like me and he doesn't make junk. It is society who wants us to believe he has. As I look back I about want to die for all the mean things I've done to others. It was wrong of me to think the way I did. I want to go back and tell them I love them and tell them how sorry I was for making their life even more hellish. I know I can't go back and wonder if it is too late to make up for lost time by changing my ways and helping others like us now. I often wonder if all of these different people who I met along the way was a test to prove my worth and to eventually change mankind's thinking. I would like to think so. I have another 40-50 years to get the word out and to change the world. At least I am going to give it hell trying.

    Shortly after coming out, my wife and I attended SPICE and met a very nice looking guy the first night we were there. I didn't know it until later he was a guest speaker there. We all attended a very stiff picnic the first night and he was so glad we made his night comforting and had a great time. During the conference his mission was to informed us he was gay and how he hated it as he told his life story for us. I felt so sorry for him. Not because he was gay but because he didn't want to deal with the cards God had given him. His goal was to get us all to see that we are not in control of who we are. It is at the hands of our creator. We became good friends and one whom I will never give up on. Ed miller, if you out there man we love you.

    Not very long ago one of my close friends son just committed suicide. He was no more than 25 years old. This happened just before I came out. I look back and wish I could have been there for him to point the way. I later told his mother and father I had been there once, in his shoes. I tried to make sure they knew it was not their fault. When all along I know what drives these people to the end. To this day they have been sort of removed from me. I feel sorry for them. They lost a wonderful son because society drove him away and he didn't have the courage to deal with it.

    All of this was written after reading the web site of Renee Reyes. A person I look up to in many ways. She has challenged many to write about their own past to see how screwy it looks as her has looked to others. Some of which are the things she thinks about and things she has done. We think along the same lines very much. It scares the hell out of me as I sometimes consider her lifestyle myself. It is strange to imagine if things had gone just a little different with me, my life may not be far removed from hers. After reading much of her site I realized how similar we are. This really got me thinking about the reality of living as a woman. When in reality I have to consider my age, surgery required, the change of life style, family, and loss of my job, all of which I love way too much to let go. All of these things add up to...it cannot be feasible. So I live life to the fullest with the cards I have been dealt. I have to look at the positive things I have done and what I still want to accomplish. The list is very long and time so little. I would like to build my own 60' yacht and cruise the Great Lakes.

    I tend to surround myself with people of Renee's caliber. Many are of the Mensa recognized or calibre. I often wonder if they too are TG or Gay. It doesn't matter at all. I fit right in. I love them more than anyone will ever know. They have made my life much easier to deal with and I owe them eternal gratitude. In return I owe them making their life a little easier to deal with as well. We all need each other to run our lives, kind of like I'm OK... your OK. We need to know it's Ok to be different. It's what makes the world go around.

    You can bet your ass this person is making sure my two boys and every one around me knows that society has to be totally tolerant of individuals who appear different. It is high time we educated those pig headed individuals who think otherwise and force the rest of society to change. This dream I will follow with all my heart.

    Last edited by Shelly Preston; 11-15-2018 at 02:38 PM. Reason: language

  20. #370
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    444
    Francine, I relate to many of your stories and feelings. Thank you for sharing. Julie
    Inside my heart is breaking
    My make-up may be flaking
    But my smile still stays on

    Such is CD life (sounds so much better in French)

  21. #371
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    177
    I'm new to all this buts there's some great reading here .And its nice to know I'm not alone

  22. #372
    New Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Birmingham Al.
    Posts
    17
    Thanks for your stories. I am new to CDing. It began as my wife encouraged some gender role swapping in the bedroom. I have followed her level of comfortability including recently painting my toes, shaving body hair etc. I cross dressed as a teen and am enjoying it now.

  23. #373
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    San Francisco Peninsula
    Posts
    1,436
    Francine- could you edit your post so the light blue is a darker color- I literally cannot read it against the white! Thanks!
    We are all beautiful...!

  24. #374
    Member Confetti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Sad San Francisco
    Posts
    213
    Your not alone, these are some of the most compassionate people you can chat with! I hope you are able to make things work successfully. It’s hard to meet the right person at any age.

  25. #375
    New Member SOtoaCd's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    las vegas
    Posts
    5
    As A SO what am I supposed to do when my needs aren't being met. There is never man time at home for me. Jennifer is always needing to be present. I have been supportive for over 5 years, with outings, role playing , make overs for Birthdays. And yet I sit not getting reciprocation back . I do love her and him, but I cant force them to love me. So I am sure that the "I'm done" stage is very near.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State