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Thread: Tips to an SO's acceptance

  1. #1
    GG/SO of a CD
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    Tricks to an SO's acceptance

    Tips to an "easier" road to acceptance, as told by a GG.

    I think that I have made a place for myself here. Many of you know me. I have met and become friends with many of you. I just realized a lot more lately there is quite a bit of verbiage on here that worries me.

    Many of you have become my friends. And friends help friends not make horrendous mistakes. As a GG, to be honest if Luca said HALF of the things I have heard around here about wives, SO's and etc. I would be CRYING in the corner and then packing my bags. If the goal is to find an ACCEPTING SO or to have your wife accept you.... Some of you are doing it wrong.

    The GG's that are here, who stick around, have SO's that they are making it work with. We aren't always right either but I think that we have some valuable insight that might make it easier on you and your wives. Take it with a grain of salt because all relationships and wives are different.

    While Lucas and I's relationship is FAR from perfect. CDing is my LEAST concern. I think its because we have done a pretty good job in the last couple months establishing "rules of thumb"

    DON'T lie:
    When you tell her, be an open book. Answer her questions when she asks. Tell her that you will answer any question she has and will be honest. This establishes trust.
    Don't tell half truths, this will hurt later on down the line and we found this one out the hard way.

    DO Appeal to our femininity:
    Explain to her the feeling that you get when you dress. Its similar to how when we dress up for an event or wear heels. When most women dress up they feel Sexy. Confident. Ready to take the world. Find something about how we like to feel when we dress and when you tell her appeal to that need or feeling. For us it was luca telling me he thought that it was "fun" to dress up and he wanted to be included in that idea of "fun".

    NEVER tear down HER view of what makes her feminine:
    Remember that she is a NATURAL woman. She has things about her that make her feminine by birth. her CLOTHES. HAIR. MAKEUP. NONE of that is what makes her feminine. Its her walk, her talk, her attitude, her confidence. What makes YOU feminine and what make HER feminine, don't have to be the same things.

    NEVER compare yourself to her:
    This would be a disaster. Comparing how "good" you look, or how "well" you walk in heels. This is never going to help. if she is super feminine and she is the "kind of woman you would like to be" Then use HER as the EXPERT. Ask her for help. Just last week I had a "walking" in heels impromptu class for Luca down the hall way. If she feels like she is the "leading expert" on being a woman she will not only be happier with herself, but in turn will be happier teaching you to be more feminine.

    DO respect that she has been a girl her entire life,
    Sometimes wives aren't your idea of feminine. Remember that your idea and her idea of feminine are different. But being a woman here entire life she has a great deal of amassed knowledge that you, having lived most of your life as a man, will probably never be able to approach. So DO ask for help doing your nails, even if you think you know how. She might have some tricks for you. DO ask her for help with your hair and makeup. DO talk to her about those silly things like why women insist on showing bra straps under a cami. DO defer to her on many things.


    DON'T steal her clothes:
    If you have in the past, FESS UP. Then stop. We don't like to share. We don't want you stretching out our favorite blouse, or heaven forbid ruin one. (note) some wives are cool with sharing. Just ask/talk first.

    DO have her help you purchase new ones:
    Buying clothes for luca was a bonding experience. I actually found out his size and went shopping for him on my own. It gave me time to get used to the idea that this was a new reality. I could pick up something and decide that I liked it. Yeah this way some things didn't fit. We had to do some returns, but I got comfortable knowing.

    DON'T use CDing as a substitute:
    For anything. For sex. For emotional connection. CDing is a part of you, but it cannot rule you. Once you start using CDing as a substitute for something else it becomes this large pink fog monster that your wife will have no idea how to handle.

    DO tell her when its going to move further:
    So this part sucks. CDing for most is progressive. Luca and I had a conversation about always being honest when he needs more. But I am always allowed to be honest and say when it becomes to much. Is this scary? Yes. Could this mean either a massive compromise that leaves one of us un happy? Maybe? Could this lead to a break up? Maybe. But in the end just TALKING about wants, needs, fears. Will give a greater understanding of "what's going on."






    If anyone has any rules of thumb to add, want to talk about mine or whatever. Lets talk about it. I think it would be nice to eventually have a massive list of these. Even though all of them wont work for your specific situation. Even if one tidbit is helpful that would be great.

    Isn't that what we all are here for? Support? Acceptance?
    Last edited by Greenie; 08-04-2013 at 10:19 AM.

  2. #2
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    Greenie! Bravo! You nailed a lot! I've had to learn a lot on my own and you have compiled it here where I believe the mods should make it a sticky for anyone having problems with the key element in any relationship---COMMUNICATION!

    I love reading your posts because of your perspective. I also think that many wives can find that by giving acceptance to a CDing husband, they may find themselves in a better position in the relationship. To explain using me and my wife, I do all I can to bend over backwards to fulfill her needs in everyday life. It's only fair! I don't put any demands on her, but she reciprocates by doing little and big things for me and that's in every area of our lives. I have to say that she and I enjoy a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. The fact that I CD is of no consequence and a small normal part of our lives. One thing my wife said to me that she doesn't worry about me straying and cheating on her because I am the "other woman." LOL!

    I'm glad for what you posted. It needed to be spoken. Thank you! I wish you the best!

    Cheryl Ann

  3. #3
    GG / SO to a CD MatildaJ.'s Avatar
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    I love this post, Greenie. It's great advice, and an excellent starting point for both people to consider what they want and how to get there amicably.

    I totally agree with the stealing clothes thing, and the advice to ask instead for permission to borrow something.

    On the other hand, my own preference as a GG spouse is to NOT be treated as the expert on all things feminine. I feel like I'm only faking it sometimes myself, and I wouldn't want my husband to act like I must be able to teach him how to apply makeup, plan outfits, or sew up a hem. I don't mind being asked for friendly advice, but I don't like being put on the spot.

    One other aspect to consider is about how playful / serious your wife is. Some wives might enjoy playing with gender roles, dressing more male themselves for a night out, or going out with you mixing up male & female clothes, or wearing very sexy clothes together, in the house or out at clubs. Some will be more inclined to follow society's roles, so that when you go out they want you dressed appropriately for your age and for the event, so neither of you stands out. Seems like it would be helpful if a crossdresser can find a way to be excited about dressing while still matching his wife's expectations for that evening, as far as playfulness or appropriate attire.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    You learn something new every day and today was no exception.
    I may have given this advice myself on many occasions but it is reinforcing to see it come from a GG.
    It pleases me to think I am giving similar advice and it appears to be along the same lines as yours.
    Thank you for the advice.

    As this has been made a sticky I felt I should elaborate.
    Take it slowly with your wife.
    If you are given encouragement in dressing, do not push it and accept what extra freedom you have been given.
    Dressing to extreme.
    Do not over dress as this can spoil the moment, when encouraged dress conservatively as possible unless your SO has suggested more.
    She does have to get used to any new look you may wish to portray.
    Do not try to be too girly.
    This can be a turn off and destroy any progress you have made.
    Makeup.
    Care is needed here also. If you have a beard and she likes hair you do have another problem.
    See where it takes you.
    Shave all over.
    Not if your SO objects.
    Suggest that you would look better with a limited shave and wait for a positive response.
    Try just under arms and chest first. Legs can be attempted also.
    Last edited by Beverley Sims; 08-20-2013 at 03:04 PM.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  5. #5
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    So the book of secrets is now open???

    Very comprehensive. We may have to explain it to some here in a language they understand sometimes. Not lying means don't tap dance and say things like
    "Gee I don't know maybe aliens put those pantyhose in my glove compartment"
    It means
    "They are mine...I like how they feel."
    the FIRST time you are asked. It means let her decide how she feels. But since we have a lot of people who speak the language..I am sure we can work that out later
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  6. #6
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    BRAVO, I couldn't agree with you more! Thank you for this wonderful input.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Princess Grandpa's Avatar
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    Good advice all of it. Obviously no two people are alike. There is no guarantee that following this advice will end in happily ever after. In my humble opinion, its your best chance.

    Hug
    Rita
    A person should wear what he likes to. And not just what other folks say. A person should be who she likes to. A person's a person that way!
    ~Marlo Thomas~

  8. #8
    Happy to be me!! S. Lisa Smith's Avatar
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    Great post!! I appreciate you posting it!

  9. #9
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    I agree that this post is one of the most significant in recent months. And I truly hope and wish and pray that those CDers you refer to, Greenie, who have no idea how to treat their wives and SOs decently, will pay careful attention to what you have written.

    Thanks for posting this! Perhaps it may end up as a "sticky"?
    Have you ever noticed that all those in favour of abortion have already been born?
    "If we had never sinned, we could not have called Christ, Saviour!"
    There's just enough religion in the world to make men hate one another, but not enough to make them love one another...
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  10. #10
    Senior Member Princess Grandpa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GaleWarning View Post
    Thanks for posting this! Perhaps it may end up as a "sticky"?
    That would be great!

    Hug
    Rita
    A person should wear what he likes to. And not just what other folks say. A person should be who she likes to. A person's a person that way!
    ~Marlo Thomas~

  11. #11
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greenie View Post
    DON'T lie:
    When you tell her, be an open book. Answer her questions when she asks. Tell her that you will answer any question she has and will be honest.
    Sadly, life gets more complicated than that. There are times at which the whole truth is too much to handle considering overall life circumstances, and one must judge what to say and what not to. Yes, I agree that this gets dangerously close to (if not goes over) the line of making a decision for someone instead of allowing them the self-determination of making their own decision. But if job hours have just been cut, a child just broke a leg, and the in-law's basement just flooded, then it is not the best of times to say, "Guess what, honey?". There is seldom a good time to make revelations, but some times are worse than others, so sometimes if something can wait, the delay can help.

    Quote Originally Posted by Greenie View Post
    DON'T use CDing as a substitute:
    For anything. For sex. For emotional connection. CDing is a part of you, but it cannot rule you. Once you start using CDing as a substitute for something else it becomes this large pink fog monster that your wife will have no idea how to handle.
    Using CDing as a substitute does not necessarily become a pink fog. It might, it might not. If the thing being substituted for is only temporarily lacking, then using the substitute can provide "breathing room" until an external situation is resolved (or normalized) or until internal factors have time to sort themselves out. But since humans can be pretty irrational, providing easing space can be interpreted as if you are no longer interested or no longer care, in which case the real thing might get more withdrawn, leading to more substitution, leading to further withdrawing. "You stopped asking for sex all the time; what was I to assume except that you started an affair?"

    If the factor being substituted for has been absent or much reduced for a time, then CDing as a substitution might be what allows the situation to be bearable. For example, if there has been no sex for 2 years, you can either break up the relationship primarily due to needing sex, or you can find ways to cope, preferably without having an affair.

    If CDing becomes preferred to what it was being substituted for, then the long term outlook is not great. But, there might be reason for it to be preferred: the quality of whatever-it-is might not be very good. To my mind, a clear marker of problems in the relationship is the situation in which the CDing becomes preferred to the prospect of improving the quality of whatever-it-is that was being substituted for.

    I would rather dress than nag my wife for months on end until she said, "Whatever. Let's get it over with so I can go back to watching Gilligan's Island." But if she were to say, "Hey there, how about getting out of that skirt and us doing some more exploring?", then I'd be quite happy to spend time with her.

  12. #12
    Junior Member jennyscott's Avatar
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    Yes, a sticky would be of great service.

    I plan/hope to fully share of my CDing side with my wife very soon. Now isn't the time because we're on a extended-family vacation on the NJ shore. No sense in opening a can of worms without providing her the opportunity to digest and discuss us. A significant anniversary approaches over Labor Day and I hope to do it then. I will return to review Greenie's post to help establish a good and effective "reset".

    Thank you Greenie!
    Jenny

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member Ellanore G.G.'s Avatar
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    Great thread, can my H stay with you for a few lessons please......lol xx
    I am Loved because I am me, not just because I accept.

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Leona's Avatar
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    I'm going to disagree with the "treat her as an expert on all things feminine". That's giving any woman more credit than she deserves. if she's having trouble understanding or accepting that her man is a CDer, then she obviously can't be regarded as an expert on all things feminine.

    So I'd replace that with this:

    DO respect that she has been a girl her entire life, and as such has a great deal of amassed knowledge that you, having lived most of your life as a man, will probably never be able to approach. So DO ask for help doing your nails, even if you think you know how. She might have some tricks for you. DO ask her for help with your hair and makeup. DO talk to her about those silly things like why women insist on showing bra straps under a cami. DO defer to her on many things.

    As for the lying vs too much truth discussion, I found it helpful when my wife asked certain questions that I felt she couldn't handle the truth to ask her if she really wanted the truth, and before actually answering, we'd talk about several potential answers before I'd volunteer mine as a way of testing her ability to accept the truth. You don't have to lie to withhold an answer, you CAN get her consent to not answer a question for a time while she assimilates what she's assimilating already.

  15. #15
    GG/SO of a CD
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leona View Post
    So I'd replace that with this:

    DO respect that she has been a girl her entire life, and as such has a great deal of amassed knowledge that you, having lived most of your life as a man, will probably never be able to approach. So DO ask for help doing your nails, even if you think you know how. She might have some tricks for you. DO ask her for help with your hair and makeup. DO talk to her about those silly things like why women insist on showing bra straps under a cami. DO defer to her on many things.
    I like this. Can i add it? Maybe as an edit? : I know this stuff wont work for everyone. Of course. This is just what has worked for me. I am a damn beautiful woman and I like when he learns from me. In my mind it means that he places me over other women and that I am an authoritative figure on being a beautiful woman. Obviously a wife of a SO are that for a reason. Like how we learned from our closest female role models "mothers" I think that CDer pick up more from their wives than they might realize.
    Last edited by Greenie; 08-04-2013 at 10:28 AM. Reason: typing on phones sucks.

  16. #16
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Wonderful post Greenie - and yes I think you are beautiful inside and out

  17. #17
    Administrator Tamara Croft's Avatar
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    This is a really good thread, consider it made a sticky
    Administrator

    Missing my Libra babe Sherlyn, I hope she's rocking up there with the angels
    Missing our Rianna, doesn't seem right, gone to early, hope she's partying with Sherlyn

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member Leona's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greenie View Post
    I like this. can i add it? maybe as an edit? i.know this stuff wont work foreveryone. of course. this is just what has worked for me. i.am a damn beautiful woman and i like when he learns from me. in my mind it means that he places me over other women and that i am an authoritative figure on beimg a beautiful woman.
    Of course. You don't even have to ask.

  19. #19
    New Member Lucifershal0's Avatar
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    I recently told my wife of almost 2 years I am happier dressing. She is not into female stuff what so ever. I have more shoes and clothes than her if that says anything. I could probably do makeup and nails better as well.

    J.

  20. #20
    Member Kimberly Kael's Avatar
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    Great advice across the board, Greenie. My only concern about the thread is the title: going in with a mindset of "tricking" your partner into accepting you is a disaster in the making.
    ~ Kimberly

    “To escape criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard

  21. #21
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Good advice Greenie!!
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  22. #22
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    Great list Greenie. If I may....

    Don't let CDing become the priority:
    In anything. It shouldn't be the priority when there is free time. A marriage should be about things you do together and things each of you should do without each other. Don't look at every free moment as a CDing opportunity. In the same vein, every free dollar isn't for another dress. Keep the family priorities straight. Every bit of this should be about balance and the balance is achieved through communication.

  23. #23
    Lady in Being (7/20/17) AmyGaleRT's Avatar
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    I'll add one thing I consider important...

    DO always make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and her acceptance. You might consider this an obvious aspect of any relationship, but it's worth special mention for CDs. I've developed the habit, after I've been Amy for a while and then detransformed back to my male self, telling my fiancee, "Thank you." It's a recognition that, without the acceptance and support I get from her, "Amy" wouldn't exist in anything like the form and depth she does now. Also, whenever I've "splurged" on something nice for Amy, I try and reciprocate with something else nice for my fiancee as soon as possible...or we get nice things together, like our Tamara dresses.

    - Amy
    Amy Gale Ruth Bowersox (nee Tapie) - "Be who you are, and be it in style!"
    Member, Board of Trustees, Gender Identity Center of Colorado
    aka Amelia Storm - Ms. Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2018-2019, Miss Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2015-2016

  24. #24
    GG/SO of a CD
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    Thanks for the great responses.

    I don't mean tricks like trickery, like "tricks of the trade" kind of phrase. But I get what you are saying.

    And OMG? I made a thread worthy of a sticky? I am honored.

  25. #25
    Senior Member Amanda M's Avatar
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    Greenie - I´m pretty sure I have read all of your posts, and watched them change over time as you grew and matured with all of this. It has been great to see!

    I´m not going to chime in with my two cents worth (or tuppence worth), simply because I thing you have covered things so very well, acknowledgeing as you do that there is no one size fits all solution. I thing you are simply a super person - oh, and gorgeous as well!

    Best,
    Amanda M
    If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!

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