I have one big add-on. Learn to laugh about CDing with your SO. Don't take it so seriously. My wife and I are always giggling about me and my hobby. We will play dress up together and share clothes. But on the same note, you have to know when to let the sleeping dog lie. Daviolin
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A CD AND HIS WARDROBE, ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
Great advise and a great thread, Thanks Greene.
my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress
"Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"
Thanks Greenie, and everyone else. Helpful ideas. Some other thoughts:
- Continue to satisfy her needs and expectations doing the "male things" you used to do - be the person she was attracted to and fell in love with
- Work very hard communicating - become more intimate, vulnerable, open
- Acknowledge and express your appreciation of her responses and degrees of understanding and acceptance
- Try to do things dressed which might benefit her or entertain her (e.g. - give her massages or house clean or role play)
- Try to do something special for her when you dress (e.g. - a card, or flowers, or a poem)
- If you buy something for yourself, consider buying something for her, too
- Make your crossdressing fun; involve her if she wants to be involved; do something special for her when you crossdress
- Watch her TV shows or chick flicks when you crossdress
- Ask if it is OK when you plan to dress
- Watch your time, watch your budget - do not be selfish
- No surprises
- Try to grow as a person, always, and share with her your growth as her partner, not simply as a crossdresser, but as a loving partner who crossdresses
- Learn how to resolve conflicts, not simply crossdressing related, but all conflicts and disagreements in general
- Avoid the "pink fog", or the effects of "pink fog", which will always appear to be selfish
Just my 2 cents. These are some of the things I tried to do, or learned to do, with a wife who continues to support me and my dressing.
Last edited by heatherdress; 08-04-2013 at 08:11 AM.
This is a very important one that I really like. Lucas and I have had a lot of talks about how CDing cannot rule his life. I was worried that at the first sign of free time, he would dress. But the problem was that at the first sign of "free time" there were other household things that should be getting done. I felt like instead of helping clean the kitchen, or fold the laundry it was dressing that was getting done. But then we had a talk about the MIRACLE of doing chores WHILE dressed. EPIPHANY! Lol.Originally Posted by Sue
That's what I have been doing this whole weekend......we are moving back to Texas soon and we will have the movers here sometime this month.....i've been dressed the whole time but still helped the mrs!But then we had a talk about the MIRACLE of doing chores WHILE dressed. EPIPHANY! Lol.
Thanks so much Greenie, what a wonderful post.
Last edited by Sabrina133; 08-04-2013 at 01:29 PM.
Greenie,
Thanks for starting this great thread. I share the hope that lots of people can learn from the advice here and hopefully benefit from it.
The one thing I'd add is that the stuff you do to simply show that you love and respect your wife/SO outside of the crossdressing part of the relationship can make the CDing side easier to handle. In general, just being a good, helpful, and conscientious spouse/SO will pay dividends.
My example is just from yesterday when I had plans to meet a friend for dinner that evening. During the day I watched our daughter while my wife had a Muffins and Mimosas party for her friends at the house. While they moved off to her crafting room I cleaned their mess in the kitchen and put all the food away. The previous night I had brought my wife some delicious fudge that she wasn't expected.
After the party she came and talked to me about my plans for the evening and thanked me for all the help. The unexpected part was that when I told her where I was going and she said that it sounded delicious I asked her if she'd like to come along and the answer was yes. So, for only the third time ever, and for the first time in 8 months, I got to enjoy a wonderful night out with my wife while dressed. It never would have happened if I hadn't been a good human that day. I had no expectations of even inviting her out that night, but just being nice and helpful can make miracles happen.
Of course, after she said yes I definitely followed Amy's advice. I also went with Jess's advice and let her pick the outfit. She had me go through at least 4 tops before settling in on something.:
All the best,
Bree
What a lovely story, Bree! Thanks for sharing the practical benefits of being generous to your wife -- then she feels generous and loving back towards you. It's great when we hear about how to lay the foundation for a fun adventure, instead of people just posting about the adventures themselves (though that's fun to read too)!
Really good post, Greenie, especially for those with accepting wives. Luca is really lucky to have found you.
Good Job Greenie on the thread, you alright. Now, we need one where they are unwilling too accept, no way , no how.Help me out, will ya.
That's very true. I am a "I want to know" everything kind of person. But a lot of women are more comfortable with a DADT policy.
Sadly the thing I worry about that is, if they want DADT and you WANT to tell then how does that work out for everyone involved?
Can only speak for myself- but I always accepted that as part of a fair deal. I'll never let CD come before my marriage, or choose dressing over marriage. Whatever it takes to make it work that I am capable of I do. She does the same with me with dressing, so I can live with that.
I hope I don't get into trouble for this but last night my wife and I were on our own phones. Her on Facebook and me on these forums. I read the beginning of this thread and shared with my wife. She agreed and gave me her input. I agree communication is key. She did however tell me that one particular part of my dressing up did bother her. She did not tell me anything due to the fact that my wife wanted to handle it herself. And it worked itself out whatever she had going on in her head. Now she's cool with it. I also told her to please login and to give her feedback so that others may use it as a tool to understand or console another member of our forums. My world is a better place because I chose to open up.
Formerly CDGigi
Great thread. May I add that you emphasis it is her that you love above all else. Make sure you tell her that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and she is the one still gets the "motor running". The need or desire to crossdress is not about her or your love for her. Rather it is about who you (we) are.
I'd like to add that because the central theme of all of these posts is about communication and it's even more important for us here. Every kind of relationship in the world depends on it. Our's is a very sensitive circumstance. Do not, and I repeat, do not do anything that might make your spouse or SO feel uncomfortable if you think it might. In other words, don't go and get your ears pierced without discussing it first, for example. If she says "no" accept her feelings and be happy for the rest. Don't pout or sulk over it. And about disclosure----would she be comfortable or embarassed if others knew?
Depending on her involvement, involve her in decisions. For example, show her the new dress on the computer screen you'd like to buy and get her opinion of it. And while wearing some feminine attire might be the norm around her, check with her first with something like, "We're home for the night, mind if I go all out dressed for the night?"
Believe me, I make my crossdressing as comfortable for my wife as it is for me. But I will not do something that I feel might make her uncomfortable. She has to look at me and her family and friends too. In a way this is a priveledge to be who I am. But to enjoy that priveledge, I have make it have the least impact on her.
Cheryl Ann
Another thing that I read on another thread once, that has proved to be important with my wife, is that if you are buying something nice for yourself, then to buy something nice for her too. It helps to remind you not to be selfish about it...
Remember that these are tips that worked for me. So in my own life situation, don't lie is a really important one. I understand while some of you believe otherwise. Trust me. I have seen thread upon thread upon thread about honesty and being "too honest". But I really am the kind of person that wants to know. For me I was told very little in the beginning. He lied to try to make me feel more comfortable. But had he told me when I ASKED, we wouldn't have had the knock down drag out fight that we had about CDing months later. We almost broke up because I asked for honesty and did not receive it in the first place. But we discussed that when all the "stuff" went down. It was a really hard week or two, but that was when I think I joined you all here.
P.S. Luca and I talk about me posting this kind of stuff. Being really open and honest about our situation has helped us both tremendously and hopefully can help some of you. I am an open book really.
Last edited by Greenie; 08-05-2013 at 10:38 PM.
Ok, how about this.
As a crossdresser, you have become conditioned to keeping it hidden, but accept that your SO may want to get past that conditioning, and may not necessarily see it as conditioning. So instead of blatantly lying when asked a question, or withholding information, keep up the communication with simple things like "I don't know if I can answer that for myself" or "I don't know if you can handle the answer right now, can you ask again in a few days?" There are ways to avoid answering extremely uncomfortable/stressful questions that you can use without lying. But you still have to come back later with an answer! You don't get a free pass, you can only get a delay. And if your SO should respond by wanting the answer, be prepared to discuss possibilities. It's not your right to judge what she should know and she should know it, unless you want to be in her "friend zone" again.
This is a fantastic thread. I only have one thought topic:
The most amazing thing Tina learned is that the socialization and emotional nature of growing up as a girl is so different from doing it as a boy that we might as well have been on separate planets. So my addition would be to assume you don't understand how your wife's is responding until she's helped you to understand her.
To me, working to understand what it's like to grow up as a girl and live as a women was the hardest part of helping Tina to mature, so we can just imagine how that gulf affects our interaction withour SOs.
I think this is where people get caught up. They are deciding what their SO should and should not know. For most of us, when we are looking at someone as our life partner, or evaluating them as a future life partner, what we should know is not the same thing as what the SO thinks we should.
It causes quite a conundrum. My biggest deal is, if you knew that the person you were with wouldn't want to be with you if they knew everything about you, why would YOU want to be with them anyway. That's a relationship built on a false foundation. I would say "not lying" is not just for the woman's sake but also the feelings of the CDer later on.
Greenie, you've jumped in the deep end on this forum and I think it's great. While your words are true and should help any cross dresser, you are either preaching to the choir or screaming a the deaf. The narcissism and denial exhibited by some here is simply astounding. The most common being, "I don't tell my wife because it will hurt her." OR even better, "Not telling is not lying."
Keep it up. You will really help some and more so, I think you will help other wives and SOs. You're a cool chick.
You Know, The "BEST" thing about this thread!!! It Locks Greenie(K) to this Forum. This is your Baby, Sweetie and it's your job to maintain it
Many women are insecure. The thought crossed my mind that lucas has better legs than me. He weighs like 30 pounds less than me. Etc etc etc. Very insecure women will compare themselves to any and all women at every chance they get. They need to see how they measure up. For me its, "well at least that girl is bigger than me" is it a crazy thing. YES. YES IT IS. Maybe since she is trying to accept this Femme part of you she is sizing you up against herself. You seem to already be handling it like you should. The best you can do (for any insecure woman) is to remind her how beautiful she is. Maybe a day of pampering/ beautifying will do her well. I always feel best after I get a pedicure and my eyebrows done, put on a new dress and some heels.
What I meant by the quote that you selected is have seen some CDers here say that they "do X better than a GG". Saying anything like this in front of your wife is a BAD idea. Sounds like you don't have to worry about what you say, more so what she perceives. That might me harder. :/
This is the nature of marriage. When one of us changes the other MUST. A marriage is the entire set of how we each define ourselves, how we relate to each other, to friends, to chores... everything. Change one little thing- like, "I don't want to eat red meat anymore," and watch the fireworks. "We always grill steak with Dan and Anne- what now??? Can we even be friends with them anymore?"
Your change bumped up against something you did not know was there- your wife constantly compares herself to other women and feels insecure easily. Now that will not get healed in her by you not dressing, though it may leave your radar screen. More likely it will come around and bite you in the ass from another direction. One day far in the future,she accuses you of having a wandering eye. Why? Because she is trying to get her insecurity delt with in your relationship.
It is useful in marriage or any long-term, committed relationship, to understand that this dynamic is just part of the fun. It should be seen as a benefit. There is enough trust in the relationship that deep "issues" tend to emerge from time to time. "Stuff" bubbles out of our unconscious that has been carried around since we were kids, looking for a safe place to be understood.
Couples counseling can be a help if you find someone good. Otherwise, just keep your sense of humor and keep doing what you are doing. Love her. She WILL learn to live with it, but you have to expect a few fireworks.
Quote: "Many women are insecure. The thought crossed my mind that lucas has better legs than me. He weighs like 30 pounds less than me. Etc etc etc. Very insecure women will compare themselves to any and all women at every chance they get. They need to see how they measure up."
I see your point, but wish to add what makes anyone think that men are not insecure also! This insecurity is probably one of the biggest reasons for not saying anything to their SO's. Personally, I think that any single CD'er who is thinking of marrying should tell before the marriage vows are exchanged. If there is a change of heart, it is better than getting into the mess of a divorce. One of the worst things that can happen in a marriage is when the two parties play into each others weaknesses, rather than their strengths. OMG, two people comparing who has the better legs, looks, hair, whatever, adding insecurity, that is a recipe for disaster that a Hollywood script writer couldn't think up!
I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!
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