Tips to an SO's acceptance

[Greenie]

About telling friends. Luca and I discussed who I was going to tell. But I told him that I felt I needed to share with someone who would be able to help me through my stuggles. But my best friend is awesome. He even showed her is new girl jeans, she has seen his side of the closet. She knows Luca is just Luca. I agree its good for her to talk to someone about. Although its your secret and you may feel a weight for telling her, that weight has now just been transferred to her. Secrets are always someones burden to keep. She needs to know that who she wants to tell is trustworthy enough. But you also have tp realize, this is her burden to shoulder down too. Discuss which one friend she wants to tell together. Consider the consequences and benefits, but in the end. She might need someone. I did. I got all the wonderful people here though too.

[PretzelGirl]

That is great advice Greenie! One of the things I always did when I told someone was to let them know it was okay to tell someone else. I did ask that I knew who so there were no surprises. The result is that everyone to this point has been accepting. I suspect not having a burden and being able to talk with someone other than me is a part of that.

[NickiStoner]

I currently don't have a significant other, however this has helped me realize that when I do find one, i'll need too keep it a secret. Ha, which really isn't a problem since I already live a double life.

[Tina_gm]

Nickie, I believe the point of this thread is how to be able to not have to keep it a secret and from a GG point of view, how we can do things which further help with acceptance....

[Patty F]

Married 40 years now, I started coming out to my wife about 2 months after the wedding. Did it slowly and we talked about it as we went. Not too long after found out she went both ways so I became her new girlfriend even in bed. Yes I guess I'm one of the luckiest in the world. We had 2 daughters and while the oldest knows, she mostly ignores the fact but every once in a while will make a comment about what I do and in a good way, the youngest well that something different she has actually barrowed my dresses and tops to ware. Love it! When she wants to dress up she asks dad to see his closet. You never know what life will bring.

[709love]

Thankyou so much for posting this. My boyfriend recently trusted me with his secret, that he likes to wear women's lingerie, and has experiences with more cross dressing. I have accepted the dressing, now i'm trying to understand it and work through my own insecurities. I'm confused if he likes wearing it for me or if I am just a prop in his fantasy? I have done some research (as much as can be done i guess) on cross dressing and I think it will probably progress more as he gets older and matures. I'm not sure how I feel about this part yet but I have actually come to really like him wearing lingerie because he has a beautiful body, and I now get super turned on and look forward to when he wears lingerie, especially mine. Anyway, it's great to know there are people out there who are in the same situation and I'm super glad I stumbled upon this forum.

[Laura Collette]

709love, I'm very happy for you and wish you a smooth road ahead. Remember we are all here for you.

[Greenie]

709love! Keep posting and get to know some of us other GG's (Genetic Girls) we all have wealth's of experience to help you along in your journey.

[Wildaboutheels]

Keep your dressing to strictly granny panties, granny dresses and flats?

Just kidding.

Maybe.

[Zimri]

Slow and steady is the way to go, one piece of information at a time. Save yourself a scene/breakup and find a way to confide in your partner before anything goes awry, god forbid, and you're outted before you're ready!

[Angie G]

Thus is just what some of us need in a big way. And I'm thinking all of us could use some help now and then. Great post Greenie.I do a few of the things you talk about. I always ask before I do and it works 99% for the good. You rock lady.
Angie

[Manwithabra]

Well, my GF had known about my desires for quite some time. We kind of did it in a sort of "you tell me a personal thing, and I'll tell you" sort of way. I know not everyone will have an SO that's as open-minded or willing to tell their secrets really easily, but I was just honest.

[Jenn0714]

Thank You for being "just honest" with your GF. Sometimes something so simple is forgotten and then the SO may come across as non accepting but its the honesty they wanted in the first place if that makes sense at all. This is coming from a GG (genetic girl) who has experienced it first hand. There are so many times I have wished my spouse would just be honest with me, it would be so much less heartbreaking.

[tfguy]

Jenn0714,
I agree with your just being honest comment and I am sure my wife would agree with you as well.
I hid my desire to dress for years under the guise that I was protecting her, when in reality I made it worse. For those still in hiding, I recommend coming clean. My wife was not repulsed by me as I had always imagined and she has been initially supportive. I regret not being honest years ago when the urges resurfaced.

[samantha rogers]

I always read threads like this, both here and on other forums, with difficulty. Not because I do not appreciate the candor and good advice, which I do. But rather because it reinforces the sadness and other feelings I have about how many years I lived in a back and forth run around of denial and self deluding rationalizations about my own gender dysphoria, which I now freely acknowledge dates back to my childhood.
I am now older, and at 61 I have only disclosed myself recently to my wife. I married later in life than many at the age of 40, having had many girlfriends in the preceding years. While knowing on one level that my fantasies ran to TG interests, my behavior and rationalizations caused me all manner of compensatory mental gymnastics, hiding the truth from myself. It was not until after marrying that I began to actively dress, all while away from home on business. I would have been the very last person anyone, even my wife, and even myself, would have suspected. This last point applied even to myself on some levels, even after I had engaged in full blown "sessions" so strong was my self delusion.
The last three to four years have found my attempts to appease my anxiety running to a full course of "supplements" I understand the discussion of which is forbidden here. Without meaning to cross that line, suffice to say my body has changed fairly substantially during that time, while my mind has calmed and my ability to be honest with myself has grown. I recognize now that much of my life I have been distracted, and filled with an anxiety caused by an inability to properly satisfy a need to honestly satisfy the need I have to self express an entire side of my gender identity. It is good to finally know and accept this...I cannot even begin to state that strongly enough. But that has brought forth a new sense of anxiety caused by the knowledge that I have for so long behaved in a manner so deceitful and totally unfair to the woman I love. Moreover, I am filled with sadness at what might have been if I could have faced the truth many years ago. We all have our own cross to carry.
I have now come clean, and it was and remains...difficult...to say the least. Our marriage has always been one that brought my wife only incomplete satisfaction. I am sure a portion of that is because of my distractions, and the inability I encountered in giving myself totally to her and our children by being completely there and "in the moment" when they needed me to be so.
But alongside that, because we are now older, and options for her to make an informed and honest choice about remaining with me are reduced dramatically by a variety of factors...kids, finances, health etc...she feels that I have robbed her. Make no mistake, she does love me, but to what degree, and whether that love can extend to the degree needed to continue with me, is a decision we both know is now unfairly complicated for her. I must not only live with this, but also the thought that despite the problems it will now create for us both, she may yet discover she is incapable or unwilling to continue. To say this is painful, and frightening, would be a profound understatement.
The future is, to say the least, unpredictable.
To bring this admittedly self indulgent novel back finally to the nature of the original thread...LOL...
I would sincerely offer the humble advice to anyone in a similar situation...do not wait.
It is unfair to you, and unfair to those you love. It is not, and this is just my opinion, a wise course. You cannot simultaneously deceive someone and truly love them. If you do truly love them, then your love must grant them the honest and fair option of the truth, regardless of the possibility that the truth may cause them to leave. If you love them....well, you owe them that. Much beyond that, of course, but that much at the very, very least.
At least, that is my story and I am sticking to it.
Love to you all for listening...
Hugs

[MsVal]

I read and re-read your post Samantha, and am now standing on my chair applauding. It is poignant and compelling.

Best wishes
MsVal

[MatildaJ.]

Samantha, it sounds like you did tell almost as soon as you figured yourself out. No one is guaranteed a "happy ever after," unfortunately. I don't see that you robbed your wife of anything.

[samantha rogers]

Thank, Val! (One Michigan girl to another )
And thanks, Jess!
I know what you say is true, Jess, and I do appreciate the support, honey, I really do.
But on another level, I cannot help thinking that in all the denial there must have been moments when I could have stepped back and looked at myself more honestly. Sigh... if only we knew then what we know now, eh?

[TessInJxn]

Many women are insecure. The thought crossed my mind that lucas has better legs than me. He weighs like 30 pounds less than me. Etc etc etc. Very insecure women will compare themselves to any and all women at every chance they get. They need to see how they measure up. For me its, "well at least that girl is bigger than me" is it a crazy thing. YES. YES IT IS. Maybe since she is trying to accept this Femme part of you she is sizing you up against herself. . . .The best you can do (for any insecure woman) is to remind her how beautiful she is. Maybe a day of pampering/ beautifying will do her well. I always feel best after I get a pedicure and my eyebrows done, put on a new dress and some heels.

The insecurity referenced, supra, is something that is troubling to my wife. Perhaps "insecurity" is not the correct label. Instead, she worries about being de-feminized when I present as Tess. Stated another way, she feels more masculine when I present as a woman, and she doesn't care for that. My therapist and I are working on ways to be understanding of that emotion, and my wife will join us at our next session. But, in the meantime, I am not really sure how to deal with that. Obviously, sincere complements and other courtesies and graces one shares with their spouse are used with abandon. However, that doesn't seem to alleviate her inner conflict with that fact that her husband is dressed as a woman, and for the first time in my life I am honestly working through the myriad emotions and realities associated with actually recognizing my gender dysphoria after having locked away for so many years.

The bottom line is that, like me, my wife wants to feel feminine, and my presenting as a women puts a nick in her armor of womanhood. I wonder if anyone has really dug deep into this issue? And, has anyone found a tool that works to alleviate and/or sooth that emotion?

It is important to note that my wife is quite accepting of Tess. And, for that I am terribly grateful and blessed.

[Dutchess]

Let the person know ASAP not AFTER marriage or 5-10-20 years together.. whatever .

Do NOT let yourself get lost in the fog

CHECK yourself that you do NOT engage in some kind of oneupmanship contest with your SO to see who is more femme and this one can creep up on you faster than you think..

Don't talk bad about her on here

Should you find one or already have one that is accepting , don't abuse the privilege

Don't lose yourself when after reading 20,000 posts here and elsewhere you suddenly decide you are trans I know SO many CD-ers ( HARDCORE cd-er's ) just convinced they were trans .Had every thing done and live in misery . Even if you are a blend of genders don't lose sight of either one .

Don't make it the sole focus of your life, I don't care how many years you had to wait , you will waste your life if you make this ( whatever you are under this umbrella ) your whole existence.

The bottom line is that, like me, my wife wants to feel feminine, and my presenting as a women puts a nick in her armor of womanhood. I wonder if anyone has really dug deep into this issue? And, has anyone found a tool that works to alleviate and/or sooth that emotion?

Alot of times this depends on how you are presenting vs what she normally wears in real life . In my case even though I live in Seattle I am from the southwest and wear my BEAUTIFUL spanish dresses I get in Mexico through out the day,, SOME eye make up and my hair is clean and straightened... unless I am going somewhere . Meanwhile my husband has always dressed like he is going to his 10am outcall with a "client" , wedding , a funeral or the symphony . I always say where are we going ??? Carefully look at you overall attitude , his is always just a bit condescending- as he cleans the carpet in his fishnets.

Strangely when it really IS time to go out and I am in all my velvet steampunk glory ..by husband will rarely even speak to me while I am getting dressed and during the event and I am sure would LOVE it if someone spilled a whiskey gown my front ... very sour attitude .

[CherylFlint]

Dear Cheryl Ann,
It’s too bad there’s not some “Reality Check” police out there that would hit some of us on the head when we loose track of the real reality.
This is what I mean: some of us have a female in our lives that we love. Some of us have wives and girlfriends. That said, each of us have vivid imaginations but no matter what we think about the “grass being greener on the other side”, we should not ever, NOT EVER, jeopardize the “love” that we share with our SO.
Love is a very precious thing and to throw it away because of “who we really are” is just being damn stupid.
My advice: have fun, but don’t cross the line from reality to stupidity.
I’m sure I’ll get a lot of disagreement on what I say, but, trust me, it’s just not worth being selfish.
And, Cheryl Ann, good for you and your SO.
Luv,
Cheryl

[Sallee]

to had to CD being only partof the relationship. It is only part or you.. there are other things that also make you you and CDing is and should remain a small part of the whole.

[leeann_360]

I have found over 30+ years of being married to the same woman, to take things SLOW and always TALK it out when she accepts things. I was already crossdressing in high school when I met my wife. After dating for a while, we started fooling around, as all teen agers will do. Before we got to far, I told her that I wore girls clothes and underwear. At that time, I was wearing girls t-shirts or bras, depending on what I was doing. That night, I was wearing jeans, a polo shirt, an under shirt, panties and sneakers, all girls style of the time. She laughed and said sure you are, so I showed her. She said she had a feeling my clothes looked better than most of the guys, but never thought they were girls. She accepted how I was dressed that night and I told her about my history of why I dress the way I do. Over our years together I had to cut back on some of the things I wore because of our children. I have never been around my son or daughter wearing a bra or heels, but they know I prefer womans styles in jeans and tops. As the kids grew and moved out, I slowly brought back my heels, bras and other things that slipped through the years. Yes, my wife has admitted she wished all of it would not come back, but going slowly she has accepted it again.

Just take things slow, don't push your needs on your SO to quickly, or you will scare her away and it wont be good for either of you.

[TomboyBecca]

For me and my ex, I kinda eased her way into it. She genrally was cool with the lingere part but it took time to work her up to the full deal. Trust and time are key.

[Emily43]

Never let it consume the relationship...as much as my SO embraces emily i never forget its a 2 way relationship and she loves me as a guy too.