My Wife Wants What I Cannot Give Her . . . .

[Anne2345]

My wife and I have spoken much about my gender issues, and how these issues have affected our lives and relationship.

Consistently, we have both told each other we want to make our marriage work, but now I am beginning to have serious doubts that it will. Of course, the writing has undoubtedly been on the wall for some time now, but it's been extremely difficult for me to consider it and acknowledge it for what, in all likelihood, it really is.

I believe my wife, on the other hand, is in denial about me and the path I am taking. She continues to plan things for the long term, hoping that I will one day just wake up from this and be the person she thought she married. She has indicated under no uncertain terms that she will leave me if I transition, but I do not believe she thinks I will do it.

Recently, among other things, she has made known to me what she wants.

First, my wife wants to keep the family together for the sake of our eight year old daughter. She has placed much emphasis on the importance of our child retaining both parents in a family unit.

Second, she does not want me to upset my father. My father suffers from terminal cancer. Based upon how he responds to remaining treatment options, he may live another five months or another five years. Still, my wife has told me that I should not do "this" to him.

Third, my wife wants me to get a haircut. Although it may seem like a minor thing, it is not. The last haircut I had was in the beginning of May. This is the longest I have gone without a haircut in more than two decades, and I have no plans on getting one soon. But, my wife told me that she married a "good looking guy," and that she wants to keep me "good looking." She also would prefer that I lose my earrings.

So, what she really wants is for me to be a father, a son, and a husband. She wants me to be a man. She believes that I can be a man.

I can't be these things she wants, though, as much as it breaks my heart that I know I am hurting her. I can't be these things because I am not these things. And I cannot be these things because I am not a man.

Regardless, the thought of losing my family makes me sick with fear and pain. I don't want that. Or at least that is what I have told myself. It is certainly what I have allowed myself to believe. Now, though, for the first real time, I am beginning to think outside of my previously self-imposed constraints.

In this regard, I suppose in a very real way I am slipping into survival mode and trying not to completely lose my mind and go crazy again. But I also have to believe that there is more to life than simply surviving and not going insane. There has to be more, because I need more. We all need more. Including my wife.

Still, I recognize that I can't maintain business as usual. Doing so has failed miserably in the past, and it clearly is not working now. Given a batting average of .000 then, how could I possibly believe that it will somehow magically work out in the future if I keep it up and continue the status quo??!

A friend of mine recently advised that if I do not act at some point, something will have to give soon, because this simply can't be sustained. I agree. Something will have to give, because I cannot sustain this. I just can't, and I know it.

My friend, having been there, done that, knows and understands the deal. She stated that it may be messy, it will not be easy, and that it will hurt much. But she also explained that once it's done, it will be behind me.

Of course, the wise woman that my friend is, she advised that if I do this, that I will thereafter open up an entirely new Pandora's Box of problems with the resolution of my current problems. The upside, though, will be that these new problems will be my problems, as opposed to other's problems. Regardless of however daunting or overwhelming these new problems may initially be, at the end of the day, they will be mine, as I will finally be me.

The thing about Pandora's Box, though, as my friend reminded me, is that it is not all bad. Granted, you gotta go through a lotta shit and dig down to the very bottom to get to the good part. But once you're at the bottom of the Box - there it is - hope. And if I am going to survive this and be me, I desperately need hope.

However, it all begins with facing my fear and making decisions. After all, there can be no hope if I fail in doing so. But goddamn this is hard!!!

Sigh.

[MatildaJ.]

Hi Anne,
Sending hugs for the hard position you find yourself in. And from reading your other posts I know you've had a lot of sad family news this year, as well as the issues with your wife not understanding your need to transition. Is your therapist helpful when listening to you talk not just about gender issues but also about your family and about the possibility of separation and divorce?

As far as your wife, if she's unwilling to see a counselor/therapist on her own, it might be time to bring out the big guns, where you tell her that she has a choice between going with you to see a marriage counselor, or hearing from a divorce lawyer. Sounds like it's time for her to understand that "business as usual" (you staying male) is not one of her options. You're transitioning (if I understand you correctly), and she can either get on board or set you free to do what you need to do.

As for your daughter -- seems to me that it would be better for her to see you feeling better about yourself, rather than to grow up thinking that marriage is about being a martyr and hiding your true self. Her current age is probably a fairly good time for her to cope with the news of your gender issues, as opposed to waiting a few years until she's going through puberty herself.

Again, <<<<<hugs>>>>>

[MysticLady]

Hi Anne

I can relate somewhat w/ you regarding the wife thing. The difference between yours and mine is that, yours has faith in you. She has something in you that I want from my wife too have in me. Faith in her Husband. Your wife wants you and is willing to put all her chips on you. Now, it's your turn to roll the dice. Only you, can make that decision. Like you said about Pandora's box, what will the next set of "conditions" bring you. Will it be something that you'll be happy or content with? If not, what's next? I understand your need somewhat since I felt constrained also. Will some time alone help you make a wise decision? It's helping me in my situation but, every situation is different. You are Head of Household and you know your situation best. Sometimes, responsibility and self control are extremely difficult and makes us feel like were caged animals. I Gave PaulaQ some info that may help her and if you like, I can give it too you also. It will not fix your problem for you but, it will give you peace of mind to deal with it. You will need to accept it with an open mind though if you want it to heal you. PM me if your need arises. In the meantime, I wish you and your wife, peace of mind in dealing w/ this..

[stefan37]

Sorry to hear the difficulties with your wife. But this is where the rubber meets the road so to speak. You both have different needs and your going to have to make some tough decisions going forward. More often than not marriage is a casualty when one spouse needs to transition. It will become very difficult and the challenge is to make your decision to move forward without feeling guilty for causing your wife so much pain and turmoil. This part of our transition to me has been the hardest hurdle to overcome. We made the decision to sleep in separate rooms 4 months ago and I admit the first 3 weeks were very hard. It has become easier and we are now forging a new platonic relationship. It is never easy when we hurt those we love and those that love us back. Unfortunately there is only way to alleviate your suffering and as a result you and your wife will in more likelihood separate. Once you get through that and the pain it brings, you will most likely have a sense of liberation that will make your progress forward, I won't say easier, but give you a sense of direction. Hard to put in words, but once I finally let go and stopped worrying about how my wife would feel what I was doing, I experienced a brain shift that has allowed me to express who I am more freely.
You have a younger kids than I so I have no real experience dealing with those challenges. I do have friends that are much farther along in their transition than I and they have younger kids. They have challenges I do not have to deal with. It will be important for you and wife to get along as your parenting will still be needed. Your wife will still need your help in the raising of your kids.

I know how hard and this difficult this process can be on us and those close to us. We can not escape the wreckage that ensues when we need to transition. We need to suck it up and move on. Your wife will need your support as much as you can give move on also. Unfortunately there is plenty of support available for us, but next to none for our spouses. She will need a ton of support. We will be here for you and your spouse if she wants it. I wish I could temper this somehow, but it is going to get much more difficult and painful before it get easier and better. That is just the way.

[DebbieL]

My wife and I have spoken much about my gender issues, and how these issues have affected our lives and relationship.

Who else are you talking to? Are you seeing a therapist or qualified professional? Have you and your wife seen him/her together? What other programs are both of you doing for support? These are not issues that either of you are qualified to try and address individually or even together. It would be like asking your wife to perform major surgery, or for you to perform surgery on you.

Consistently, we have both told each other we want to make our marriage work, but now I am beginning to have serious doubts that it will. Of course, the writing has undoubtedly been on the wall for some time now, but it's been extremely difficult for me to consider it and acknowledge it for what, in all likelihood, it really is.

Have you been honest with YOURSELF about who you are and what you are? Often, especially in marriage, we try to do internal "damage control". Even when I KNEW I was transsexual, I tried to claim that I was just a transvestite, then just a cross-dresser, then transgendered, and finally admitting, with the help of an AA Sponsor, NA Sponsor, and qualified Gender Therapist, that I was transsexual. The Gender therapist didn't pull any punches either. He made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that if I tried to "Kill Debbie", that Debbie would kill me - literally. He had had several patients who tried to "norm out" and end up committing suicide. In a survey of 1.2 million transgender respondents, ranging from cross-dressers to transsexuals, over 1/2 the respondents had tried to kill themselves AT LEAST once. Based on other demographic studies, the estimate is that 1/2 to 3/4 of all transsexuals actually DO kill themselves.

I believe my wife, on the other hand, is in denial about me and the path I am taking. She continues to plan things for the long term, hoping that I will one day just wake up from this and be the person she thought she married. She has indicated under no uncertain terms that she will leave me if I transition, but I do not believe she thinks I will do it.

Have you told her that you are transsexual and are planning to transition? ARE you planning to transition? Have you discussed this in the transsexual forum?

Recently, among other things, she has made known to me what she wants.
First, my wife wants to keep the family together for the sake of our eight year old daughter. She has placed much emphasis on the importance of our child retaining both parents in a family unit.

Like it or not, that's going to happen no matter WHAT you do. My first wife wanted to keep my gender issues from my son, so I didn't tell him anything, and didn't dress in front of him until she was ready for me to tell him. Then she showed me a letter she got from a fundamentalist Christian social worker, written to a fundamentalist Christian judge, suggesting that my gender issues threatened the stability of the family, especially Nick's relationship with his "New Father" (my ex-wife's new husband). She was advising that visitation be revoked, or at least be supervised (See Mrs Doubtfire for an example of that experience). To prevent her from sending that letter to the judge, I left the state, taking a 6 month consulting engagement in New York.

This is when my wife decided to tell my son. She wanted to tell him so that he would hate me, and when she told him, he didn't believe her (even though he knew it was true), and when Leslie called asking for a picture, I had her put him on the phone, and told him about Debbie, and that I still loved him. It backfired big time. He hated my ex even more, because he didn't think that was a good enough reason to get a divorce. Then he started to be a brat to his step-father, hoping to get us back together. Leslie called me, telling me she wanted to put Nick into a foster home (with her husband's Sister). I told her that if she couldn't handle Nick, I would take immediate and irrevokable custody of BOTH children - as agreed in our divorce decree. Then I had her put my son on the phone. I told him that since I couldn't be there, he should give his step-dad a hug, climb into his lap, and tell him all the things he told me, for at least 30 minutes. In a month, they were buddies, and he turned out to be a good father (mostly).

My son told my daughter, and they both loved both Rex AND Debbie, and still do.

Second, she does not want me to upset my father. My father suffers from terminal cancer. Based upon how he responds to remaining treatment options, he may live another five months or another five years. Still, my wife has told me that I should not do "this" to him.

Even if you started transition immediately, it would take about 6 months for the hormones to kick in with obvious effects such as breasts that can't be minimized with a loose fitting men's shirt. If you are transsexual, your father probably already suspected - by the time you were 4-5 years old. He probably didn't want you to get hurt, and may have tried to help you be better at pretending you were a boy, so you wouldn't get bullied.

I'm more concerned about YOU! If your father is really dying, then knowing that he knows and loves YOU (Anne), rather than only the boy/man you have tried so hard to pretend to be, is one of the most wonderful ways to complete his life. It's also important that you let him know that you love him, and think that he did a wonderful job as a father. Even if he wasn't the best, or even if he had been abusive, he didn't have a manual on being a parent, and did the best he could with the limited information he did have. He loved you in the only way HE knew how. Let him know you are happy and have a great life, and give him credit for everything that IS WORKING in your life, and YOU take responsibility for anything that isn't working.

Third, my wife wants me to get a haircut. Although it may seem like a minor thing, it is not. The last haircut I had was in the beginning of May. This is the longest I have gone without a haircut in more than two decades, and I have no plans on getting one soon. But, my wife told me that she married a "good looking guy," and that she wants to keep me "good looking." She also would prefer that I lose my earrings.

Even if you want to grow your hair out, it's a good idea to see a stylist every month or two. She can trim up the split ends, and condition your hair for you. You also want to get advise on care product and how to style and train it yourself. Let her know that you want a cut that can be worn in both "Butch" and "Femme" mode. You can even come to the salon in femme mode, to help her visualize. Talk to your wife about style options as well. You don't need to get a "buzz cut", but you should be able to find a style that works for both Anne and your male side.

So, what she really wants is for me to be a father, a son, and a husband. She wants me to be a man. She believes that I can be a man.

If you are a transsexual, you can pretend to be a man, you've become pretty good at it, or you wouldn't have been able to fool your wife. If you are a cross-dresser, then you might be a man, or you are a transsexual and don't know it yet. Either way, you **could** pose as a man for a while longer.

If you are transsexual, then transition will help with many of the side effects of pretending to be a man, including depression, drug and alcohol use, working obsessively, avoiding social situations, and avoiding any discussions of your real personal feelings. If you are a transsexual, your wife may find that she loves you more once she starts to find out who you REALLY are.

That's not to say there won't be rough spots. When first exploring transition, you want validation, reassurance, and affirmation. Your self-esteem, ambitions, security, friendships, and love are all under threat and at risk. People may perceive that "It's all about you". Be compassionate toward them and try to focus on them and what they are going through.

I can't be these things she wants, though, as much as it breaks my heart that I know I am hurting her. I can't be these things because I am not these things. And I cannot be these things because I am not a man.

Sounds to me like you are pretty clear that you are transsexual. You MUST get a therapist with gender experience. It's a requirement for transition. You will also need to have your therapist spend time with you and your wife, together and possibly separately.

You don't have to be a man to be her lover, her partner, a wonderful parent, and a loving and caring child. What you DO have to do is focus on the needs of your wife, your child, and your father. You may have to come up with creative ways to meet those needs. You might be surprised at how accepting your daughter will be. She may already have friends who have two dads, or two moms. She'd rather have two moms, than just one mom and a dad (or mom) she only gets to see every other weekend.

Your father, more than anything else, wants you to have a life you love living. He wants to know that you are happy, healthy, loving, and loved. He'd rather have a daughter who is having a wonderful marriage to her wife and daughter, than a son who is suffering and suicidal.

The biggest problem will be your wife. You will need to listen to her and what she needs. Let her tell you what her ideal situation would be, then see if you can work it out so that ALL of her needs are met, one way or another. You also want to see how many of her emotional needs are better met by Anne. I have found that when I am in "Debbie Mode", I am more loving, listen better, more social, more interactive, and authentic. My wife actually LOVES Debbie. There are even times when she has asked me "I know you're dressed as Rex, but could you bring Debbie to the party today?". There's something magical in that request that makes me feel like I'm welcome. To survive, I pretended to be a boy. I became a good clown, a nerd, and a chameleon. I even remember wanting to go to Halloween as a girl, as a princess, ballerina, or even a sexy vampire, and going as a clown instead. As a nerd, I end up whipping out factoids, because I'm trying NOT to share my true feelings and desires. The chameleon can talk and act like others, and even appear interested, but it's totally inauthentic. The most comical form of chameleon is when others start talking about professional team sports. I hate sports and what I know about sports could fit in a thimble and you'd still have room for my thumb. If I know I'm going to have to listen to sports, such as before a super-bowl, I'll watch NFL highlights or listen to NPR to get the "reader's digest" version, enough so I can contribute SOMETHING to the conversation. But then I will give it away when I start talking about football and say "Maybe he'll get a HOME RUN!". Then I watch my wife's head hit the table! :-D

Regardless, the thought of losing my family makes me sick with fear and pain. I don't want that. Or at least that is what I have told myself. It is certainly what I have allowed myself to believe. Now, though, for the first real time, I am beginning to think outside of my previously self-imposed constraints.

What you need to do, is think WAY OUTSIDE THE BOX! You need to be sensitive to the wants and needs of others, and at the same time, be responsible for your own needs as well. If you "kill yourself to please others", you'll end up hating them. On the flip side, if you "kill off" the ones you love by separating yourself, shutting off communication, and refusing to communicate, you'll end up hating yourself.

This may mean having an open marriage, where your wife has outside lovers, or learning new ways to please her sexually. It may mean going to certain events "in DRAB", much the way a gay men pretend to be women by being in DRAG. The term DRAG came from a notes in Shakespeare's folios DRAG meant a boy "DRess As Girl". And in some where you had boys pretending to be girls who were pretending to be boys (first Night...), the note was DRAB, which meant "DRessed As Boy".

You might even camp it up when you have to be a "DraB King" - taking it less seriously, because most of the people in the room will know that you are really a girl, but you're pulling one over the guy who MUST see you as a man.

At the same time, the more you are honest and authentic with people, the more you will be accepted and the more you will accept yourself and others. My entire life, until I finally came out, I NEVER felt truly loved, or even liked. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Always, in the back of my mind was that nagging question "If the REALLY Knew me, and knew I was a girl, would they still like, love, respect me?

The trap of pretending to be a boy just because you have boy parts between your legs, is that nobody gets to know who you really are, and you never get the chance to know who others really are. If they reject you as Anne, then they never truly liked you, because they only liked the mask you wore to be a boy. If they really liked you in your moments of honesty, they will love you as Anne.

In this regard, I suppose in a very real way I am slipping into survival mode and trying not to completely lose my mind and go crazy again. But I also have to believe that there is more to life than simply surviving and not going insane. There has to be more, because I need more. We all need more. Including my wife.

There is a very good chance that what you are trying to do to "survive", IS INSANE. Think about it! If you started smoking crack every time you were hungry, you would get rid of your hunger, for a while, but you would soon be hungry again. If you smoked crack EVERY time you were hungry, you would eventually die of either a drug overdose or starvation.

If you try to "survive" and protect your existence by trying to kill your true self, by pretending to be something you are not, and pretending not to be everything that you are, and have everybody relating to you as the illusion you have created, then you are literally killing your true self, by depriving it of any place to be accepted, nurtured, loved, and supported. Instead, your environment is trying to protect the existence of the mask, while trying to destroy the real face underneath.

From the 1950s to the late 1970s, the usual treatment for transsexuals was to try and zap their minds with electroshock to protect the facade and mold them into "Acceptable" illusions - who they SHOULD be. If that didn't work, they would do a lobotomy. They would literally DESTROY THE MIND of a transsexual, to create an "ACCEPTABLE ILLUSION" of a human being. They would just assume that the blank stare was better than the emotional and tormented soul that had just been murdered.

Still, I recognize that I can't maintain business as usual. Doing so has failed miserably in the past, and it clearly is not working now. Given a batting average of .000 then, how could I possibly believe that it will somehow magically work out in the future if I keep it up and continue the status quo??!

You are not the first to go through this, and you are lucky to have survived as long as you have. As mentioned earlier, the suicide rate for transsexuals is incredibly high, perhaps as high as 1 in 3 transsexuals killing themselves before they are 30. You've learned ways to cope. You've avoided the traps of drugs, booze, criminal activities, and self-destructive activities. You've managed to avoid getting yourself killed by someone else as well.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. You have just BECOME SANE! You have realized that pretending to be everything that you are NOT is keeping you away from any chance to be who you really ARE!

A friend of mine recently advised that if I do not act at some point, something will have to give soon, because this simply can't be sustained. I agree. Something will have to give, because I cannot sustain this. I just can't, and I know it.

That is absolutely correct! If you try to stay in the insanity now that you are aware of it, you will do SOMETHING self-destructive. Smoking like a chimney, drinking excessively, recreational drugs, prescription drug abuse, or high fat high sugar diets, gaining unhealthy weight that will result in a heart attack or stroke. You might even know you are having the heart attack, and refuse to let anybody know, until you KNOW it's too late.

You might escape into work, fantasy, or just isolate and avoid people entirely. You might even be one of those guys who works all day, avoiding contact with people as much as possible, then come home and watch TV until the wee hours in the morning - trying to "survive" on 3-4 hours of sleep.

There are many ways to "commit suicide", and many of them don't involve not breathing. There are many ways to kill off others - even though they are still sucking air.

My friend, having been there, done that, knows and understands the deal. She stated that it may be messy, it will not be easy, and that it will hurt much. But she also explained that once it's done, it will be behind me.

This is where there is some possibility. If you want to have any chance of retaining ANYTHING in your life, you need to be TOTALLY HONEST about EVERYTHING. If you know that you are transsexual, that you can no longer LIVE as a "man", that you are DYING inside, every time you have to PRETEND TO BE A MAN! Then your family will be confronted with a real choice. You will become Anne. The man they knew, will no longer exist, he will be dead. There will be a name, identity, and history that will match who you really are. If they really don't want to know Annie, you won't give them your new phone number, your new name, your new address, or information about your new job, or your new credit cards.

Your employer may even assist you. Many employers help transitioning employees get a clean start by moving them to new departments or even new areas of the country, so that they can be in an environment that supports them in being who they really are.

If they don't want contact with Anne, they can tell others that your male version was killed in an accident. It's almost true. It was an accident that you were transsexual, and ended up with boy parts. The correction for this accident is to restore you to your true identity. If they want, they can even tell their friends that you comitted suicide (killed your boy identity), or were murdered (Anne killed your boy identity).

Of course, the wise woman that my friend is, she advised that if I do this, that I will thereafter open up an entirely new Pandora's Box of problems with the resolution of my current problems. The upside, though, will be that these new problems will be my problems, as opposed to other's problems. Regardless of however daunting or overwhelming these new problems may initially be, at the end of the day, they will be mine, as I will finally be me.

Actually, there is a point where you won't even be able to see hope. If you make the total and dramatic change, you will have to let go of everything that is familiar, comfortable, secure, stable. You will have to let go of your previous life. In many ways, it's LITERALLY like dying. There will be a point where you can't see the light of what you left, and you will know that there is no way to go back, and you will not yet be able to see anything but darkness ahead. You will need to push on even though you can see nothing. It's in that space of "nothing", that the future begins to create itself. You begin to create new relationships, new friendships, even new families.

For some, they are thrown into the tunnel and the door is slammed behind them. Many teen transsexuals are discovered or disclose to parents whose religion or self esteem is so threatened that they literally throw the transsexual out into the street. These young people must learn to survive, and eventually find friends, family, and business contacts who can support them in their transition. Some must turn to crime for a time, but many eventually reach the point where they can legally transition and establish an honest lifestyle which allows them to earn an honest income. They often find lovers, and even families, who can help, support, and nurture them.

However, it all begins with facing my fear and making decisions. After all, there can be no hope if I fail in doing so. But goddamn this is hard!!!

Actually, you need to make CHOICES! You need to make INFORMED CHOICES! Each choice has benefits, risks, and consequences. You may not like the consequences, but they are part of the choice. You can't say "I want a corvette, but I don't want to pay for it". If you try to steal the corvette, your consequences might be prison.

Making an INFORMED CHOICE means that you clearly identify the ACTUAL benefits and ACTUAL consequences, without making assumptions, without hoping for fantasies. For example, if you decide to become Anne, you need to know the whether your wife will never want to see you again, never want you to see the children again, or are you just painting that worst case scenario. Is she actually committed to those consequences, or is this just a threat intended to keep you from becoming Anne.

If you continue pretending to be a boy, what are the ACTUAL consequences? Is your health likely to be impacted? Is your sanity at stake? Could you go back to living a lie, knowing you are living a lie? And what are the ACTUAL risks? Statistically, there is at least a 1 in 3 chance you would kill yourself before you are 50, possibly of a heart attack, stroke, cancer, or other illness caused by overeating, excessive stress, and/or unhealthy living habits.

You also need to be clear about the ACTUAL benefits as well. For example, if you are forced to continue to pretend to be a boy, wearing clothes you don't like, shoes you don't like, and thinking in talking in ways that are uncomfortable, to please your wife, does that mean that SHE is willing to dress, look, and act the way YOU want HER to dress and act? Does that mean she will be willing to wear the 3 inch heels, mid-thigh skirt, and tight low-cut blouse - EVERY SINGLE DAY, and especially when you are home from a day of working in your monkey suit? Is she willing to do her hair and make-up the way you want HER to look?

Modern Feminism wants to make gender role diversity a "one way street". Women want to be able to dress the way they want, act the way they want, talk the way they want, walk the way they want, and completely ignore the wishes of their husbands. At the same time, they want men to dress the way they want, look the way they want, groom the way they want, and act the way they want. For me, the clincher was the day my wife told me that she had sewn up the crotches to my boxer shorts and was wearing them as shorts. I fumed "And YOU GO BALLISTIC when I want to wear panties UNDER my PANTS in SUMMERTIME!". That night I bought a pair of shorts, and a pair of women's athletic shoes, shaved my legs, and went for a walk.

For 6 years, my wife told me that if I quit smoking, she would be more accepting of my dressing in the bedroom. When I had finally quite for 6 months, she still didn't want to have sex, didn't want me to dress up, and didn't even want me to pleasure myself, so I started wearing my pretty clothes to AA and NA meetings.

Sigh.

Eventually, I DID get divorced, and I DID lose the ability to see my children on a regular basis. I DID start to transition, and I DID build up a circle of friends who loved, trusted, and respected Debbie, and encouraged my transition. When I stopped transition for a career opportunity I DID double my weight, I DID have a heart attack, I DID have a stroke, and I DID put my life on the line (DNR order).

When my dad died, I started transition again, and my Wife told me "I'm not comfortable with this", and had mixed a "Prestone Cocktail" - a pint of anti-freeze and a pint of Gatoraide, and was about to drink it when the voice of Debbie said "talk to your doctor". The doctor ORDERED me to a hospital where I had to promise to get gender therapy, get a therapist, and take other positive actions toward the things I already knew to do (AA, NA, Landmark Education, 12 step work,...). I started transition, with the support of a therapist, and my wife is now going to the therapy sessions with me. We have established a new set of boundaries, as well as plans for different phases of the transition.

The funny thing is that she got a "buzz cut" for Saint Baldricks Day, raising some money. She likes the buzz so much that she had it trimmed up. Sometimes I call her "Sarge" (She was a sergeant in the army), She's also lost about 80 lbs (down from 290 to 210, and we've been going shopping together so I don't go out "looking like a ****".

Thanks to her coaching and support, I'm getting to the point where I can go through airports, restaurants, shopping malls, and even ladies' bathrooms - unnoticed. I may not exactly "pass", but since I'm dressed appropriate for my age (57), and the environment, people just don't look that closely. Not as much fun as being the "belle of the ball", but much better for the goals I am trying to achieve.

[MatildaJ.]

Modern Feminism wants to make gender role diversity a "one way street". Women want to be able to dress the way they want, act the way they want, talk the way they want, walk the way they want, and completely ignore the wishes of their husbands. At the same time, they want men to dress the way they [presumably, women] want, look the way [women] want, groom the way [women] want, and act the way [women] want.

I don't think it's reasonable to blame that on feminism. Many feminists want to break down gender roles, for both men and women. Think about the quote in Princess Grandpa's posts:
>> "A person should wear what he likes to. And not just what other folks say. A person should be who she likes to. A person's a person that way!" >>

That's from Marlo Thomas' album for children "Free to be You and Me," which is absolutely feminist and absolutely about individuality, tolerance, and comfort with one's identity. The bottom line is that no one belongs to anyone else. If you are still unsure about whether transitioning or staying married is more important, then it's reasonable to try to work for a compromise. But once someone knows that they have to transition in order to breathe and go on living... then they just have to move forward with the transition and let everyone else in their lives figure out how to adjust or how to move on. Divorce is not the end of the world.

[groove67]

I can only say to you that my wife left me as she wanted a man in herlife and i can not be that for her. So she has a boy friend and is happy and i have decided that once i have surgery i want a man in my life also. Maybe i always did not sure, but i can not change how i feel and want tobe a total woman. I must say my two daughters have stayed by me and really are my greatest strength. They are older than yours but things have a way of working out. My x wife has her boy friend i have my life and we have found that when she is around we have become best girl friends. So everyone one wins in my case not sure that you are able to handle the loss of your wife but trust me your daughter will not turn her back on you as girls seem to undersatnd this . I wish youn well my dear. Marianne

[KellyJameson]

Crazy is part of being a Transsexual. I only became calmer once I accepted this. The experience makes you crazy because it stops you from knowing and living reality as your brain knows it and this is increased by everyone else denying what you know to be true.

How could the mind not break under such a strain?

I also think there are a lot more Transsexuals than there are people transitioning but they use other means to try and fix what is actually a gender identity problem, thinking that it is something else.

It is paradoxical that when you are prevented from living your gender you do not understand gender so do not immediately understand the source of your suffering. You experience a type of mind blindness of self.

Everything in life lives on a spectrum including Transsexuals who transition so part of transitioning is measuring where you are on the spectrum by the transitioning until you reach a type of equilibrium and this equilibrium is not guaranteed to happen even after SRS if you cannot bring this woman out into the world as a woman and most importantly if your own identity is not formed completely as that complete experience of self as acceptance

Any aspect of self inside that is still being rejected is that rejected part of self as woman.

Meaning that if you do not fully love yourself you will be rejecting yourself as a woman so your identity will stay unformed and fractured and in my opinion this is actually the hardest part of transitioning.

Transitioning is a type of dance, first with just the self and than with the self and everyone else but it is not only the physical transition.

Lea used the word process and the process takes you into equilibrium and out of purposelessness because you can now live and experience your gender which is necessary to life having purpose.

In my own life this equilibrium would change so what worked at fifteen did not work at twenty and I was pulled and pushed down a path leading in one direction but sometimes for every step forward I would take one backward largely because of fear and ignorance

It was and to some extent still is a tortuous experience that is true for all transsexuals.

The question to answer is what will it take to bring equilibrium.

By using your imagination what life do you need to live to feel "real".

To feel like you are "seen" as you know yourself to be?

It is not only the physical transition but living inside this vessel and expressing yourself through it.

The relationship to ones genitalia is certainly an important consideration if the way you are is experienced as a "wrongness" but also because this will determine your sexual way of relating so it is not only a question of gender identity but sexual identity.

I have transsexual friends who have no intention of SRS and others who must have SRS so you could say that even our relationship to genitalia lives on a spectrum as that blending of sexual and gender identities.

In my own life I had great difficulty defining my destination even when I was completely convinced of my gender and I cannot say for sure if I or events are taking me down the path I'm traveling.

There is a whole chicken or egg to this experience of what came first as gender identity versus body because they seem to create each other.

For transsexuals I thing gender dysphoria is actually the consequences of living without a gender identity because of the brain-body dichotomy.

I do not know if I have made a point and I think it is likely that I'm rambling but if possible try to use your imagination to know exactly where you want to go and why.

In my own life this has given me the strength necessary in my relations with others so I could consider their needs without sacrificing my own.

For transsexuals, transitioning equals life so than it is a question of how you define transitioning for yourself.

Do not allow anyone else to define this for you. In my opinion this is critical.

[Angela Campbell]

Sometimes the whole world wants what I cannot give.
And I am tired. I cannot do it anymore.

[Rogina B]

Anne has me all confused...I thought most all of this happened a while ago..I thought Anne had shared with her wife the direction she was heading long ago and I thought Anne had a post about her sprouting boobies...What part of "Anne is transitioning" doesn't an intelligent woman understand? This is a replay...

[SuzanneS]

Anne,

Wow...I'm not certain that I could ever be in your position. I've never been married, but have considered it....only because I think the need to cd has eluded me as much as it has before, but I know that the feeling will be back. I love the girl that I'm with more than I have ever loved anyone else, besides my family. The fact that I know that sooner or later that I will feel the need to cd again keeps me from asking this girl to marry me.
I'm not certain what to tell you. I wish that I knew the answers myself. I definitely do not want to be in your position, though.

Suzanne

[stefan37]

I don't see it as a replay. Anne is progressing and her wife is not following . It is common place to feel thus tug if war when trying to salvage a marriage. Since I am experiencing a similar experience I can relate what Anne is going through and her experience resonates. My wife and I are a bit farther along and divorce is in our immediate future. We are forging a new relationship, but still have to work as business partners.

Anne I know exactly what exactly you are experiencing and the emotions that result from it. Your wife is also experiencing a myriad of emotions also. Having younger children in the mix complicates the issues. Stay strong, stay focused and lean on us. This is probably the most difficult challenge you will face in your transition as it involves more than just you.

[LeaP]

Healings, ultimatums, replay confusion, and feminism. It puts the capitals S and F in Support Forum.

Could be it simpler, though. As in Shit hitting the Fan. That horrible sound in the background comes from people's souls being ripped apart. If you'll forgive the slightly antique reference, it's more of a long play record than a replay. So yes, earrings and growing hair prompt marriage threatening confrontations. They are concrete actions that herald more transition to come.

Anne has already passed through much of her own desperation. What's reflected here are the bands of resistance in Anne's wife being stretched to the snapping point. The thing is that despite the fact that many marriages do end, you cannot predict the way things will go when somebody finally breaks. No one knows what their limits are except by the process of smashing through them. Fighting and smashing your way to greater acceptance and love is one of the most painful things you can do, because it means you have to upset the foundation of your self-understanding. Anne went through a deeply threatening experience of self-discovery. Anne's wife is now going through a deeply threatening phase of dealing with it. The threat is to her own conception of herself and place in the world as much as it is anything else.

Debbie, I know your response was well-intended but have you read any of Anne's posts over the last two years? She's been in therapy – with multiple therapists at times – for years. She's been on hormones for nearly a year. She's out to many in her family (not her father, obviously). IF she's transsexual? She declared openly a year and a half ago. Also, suicide rates are not that high. Suicide ATTEMPTS are very high among trans people, but actual suicide rates are approximately 20% higher than the general population, i.e., 13.6 per 100,000 compared to 11.3 per 100,000. (See Anne Boedecker, PhD, psychologist and gender specialist - "The Transgender Guidebook")

[Barbara Ella]

Dear Anne, i have seen you grow in the short time I have been aware of my true self. From one of the first posts where you marveled at the smile you received from a passing woman, to the recognition of your daughter that you were a, and the exact words leave me now, "Boy mommy." Your life partner, who has supported you, has changed her mind, and is asking things that she has known for quite some time are not within yourself to be.

What was once merely a difficult path, has not become an extremely tortuous road, fraught with all kinda of IEDs jsut waiting for you to step on them, and you cannot quit walking.

After restating the obvious, I can offer no advice. I am new into my journey, and as of yet do not have a situation as promising as yours once was. I know i am in for the same rough times. I know your situation will not get easier.

It helps to come here and verbalize. They are, however, your decisions, and no they will not get easier, and they are hard. I know you will make them.

Barbara

[Rianna Humble]

Let us not lose sight that this is a support forum. Whilst challenges to what the OP has written might be supportive if made in the right spirit, I do not expect to see negative criticism.

Some posts here, whilst seeming to be supportive appear to be treating this as the first time that Anne has posted and have therefore engaged in unnecessary speculation. Even so, I do not expect to see others putting those posters down.

For the avoidance of doubt, I am not saying that I only want "You Go, Girl!" responses, but negativity and slap-downs will be greeted with appropriate moderator action.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Anne, as someone who has known you back when you thought you were "only a CD , I can only tell you my soul weeps when I read this. A friend is hurting and I can't help. But a friend will tell you the truth and advise you even if that truth hurts. You know the score of the game, know what the outcome will be. Will you have to pretend to keep going as you are and can you do that? As hard as it is going to be (and even though I'll never walk your path, I know it will hurt worse than anything you've ever endured), are you helping anyone by not just stating your closing argument right now? Nobody can answer those questions for you my friend, just know there are many people who will help you with whatever you do.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If the intensity of feelings increases, then last weeks and last years discussions with your SO don't matter.... Promises go unkept and previous "goals" are rendered meaningless.. anything said last month feels like a trap.
I know its hard for some to understand but it is what it is. If its possible to function as a male, do it. If it becomes less and less possible, then what is Anne is going through is the result...this is the real time scenario

Sometimes we all make various promises in life, or we communicate our plan or idea... When its "right" we feel good immediately, and the next morning we feel even better..mission accomplished...
for those of us that experienced the constantly increasing need and lost our ability to function as male day by day...you say something and you immediately get a lump in your throat and feel sick...the next morning you feel like crap...

.. As this happened to me, I didn't really know the end result..and I communicated all kinds of mixed messages to many people over MANY YEARS...

In fact, those moments where I tried to resolve to live as a man, to NOT transition were learning experiences because every time I did that, I felt more and more sad, and more and more trapped.

One thing I would advise anyone that is going through this is to work on progress more than any set plan... give yourself time and live day by day if you can....get ducks in a row as they say... its really difficult to transition and its a very emotional experience that can cost others and cost lots of $$....I know people that are playing a much longer game, saving up for surgery, getting hair replacement and removal and starting hrt with no set transition date...even folks that got "minor" ffs...there is no perfect path...

the hardest place to do this is inside a marriage, and I do think its fair to say that its really hard on a wife and perhaps splitting up is the best thing for both parties..but that's only speculation.

in any case,
anne's openness is a service to those of us that experience this constant ramp of intensity

...if you haven't experienced this constantly increasing and suffocating feeling then I can understand why you wouldn't really be moved by all of this..

[LeaP]

Brilliant post, Kaitlyn.

[Carlene]

In fairness to Debbie, I found her post to be sound advice for anyone trying to navigate this path. It is true that understanding more about Anne2345 and her personal struggle could have been gained by a little historical reading, but what Debbie wrote had merit in terms of helping me deal with my own situation. Hopefully, it helps others, as well.

I am truely grateful that each of you are here to provide support and insight. This road we travel is a difficult one, often causing profound periods of sadness.

Thank you again..................Carlene......

[mary something]

you can't let fear run your life, and it will if you let it. There will always be about a million things that could go wrong and its easy to get stuck in uncertainty afraid to take action because of the possible repercussions.

This is real. Keeping it inside and trying to manage everyone else's feelings is not a productive way of living your life if your goal is to be happy.

Follow the advice of some of the other commenters and focus on the small steps needed to get where you need to be. Be compassionate towards your loved ones but don't take responsibility for how they choose to react, you can only control yourself not them.

You need movement in the direction that your spirit is leading you. If you don't listen to your nature then nothing will change for the better.

Good luck!

[Angela Campbell]

, she has made known to me what she wants.

First, my wife wants to keep the family together for the sake of our eight year old daughter. She has placed much emphasis on the importance of our child retaining both parents in a family unit.

Second, she does not want me to upset my father. My father suffers from terminal cancer. Based upon how he responds to remaining treatment options, he may live another five months or another five years. Still, my wife has told me that I should not do "this" to him.

Third, my wife wants me to get a haircut. Although it may seem like a minor thing, it is not. The last haircut I had was in the beginning of May. This is the longest I have gone without a haircut in more than two decades, and I have no plans on getting one soon. But, my wife told me that she married a "good looking guy," and that she wants to keep me "good looking." She also would prefer that I lose my earrings.

So, what she really wants is for me to be a father, a son, and a husband. She wants me to be a man. She believes that I can be a man.

.

What she is doing is trying to plea to your weaknesses to make you do what she wants you to do.

think of the children - keep the family together...as long as it is her way.
think of your Father - a nice thing but not really relevant.

and by the way fix your appearance, haircut now the rest later ......

This isn't going to change, She simply will not accept that you must make changes so she is doing all she can to get you to stop. You cannot control what she does, you can only control your decisions. And you have a big one staring you right in the face.

[Sara Jessica]

One thing I would advise anyone that is going through this is to work on progress more than any set plan... give yourself time and live day by day if you can....get ducks in a row as they say... its really difficult to transition and its a very emotional experience that can cost others and cost lots of $$....I know people that are playing a much longer game, saving up for surgery, getting hair replacement and removal and starting hrt with no set transition date...even folks that got "minor" ffs...there is no perfect path...

Excellent advice. Unless things overall are absolutely untenable living inside your skin, and especially because I don't get a sense that you know with certainty that transition is a given (ie - worked out a separation, living arrangements, career path, disclosure and arrangements with your child, etc)...let alone a target date for this to take place, I would take a deep breath and see where the journey takes you.

It's not a race to the finish unless of course your heart and mind are telling you so and from what I understand, you should know if it is. If this is the case, then the reality is that your wife needs to be let off the line as gently as possible. If not, then take the necessary steps to move towards your goal (possible, or even probable goal). Permanent removal of your facial hair is a huge one because I can imagine being full time would be complicated greatly by having to allow the face fur to grow out a bit so that your electro-tech can zap it away. Where your HRT fits into this whole thing is yet another issue.

But if you do take it slow, whether out of necessity or simply a desire to try to see if things with your wife can somehow survive, consider this. If she has any insight into the gravity of your situation, she wakes up daily with the uncertainty of whether her husband is going to finally say "today is the day..." Imagine the heartache she must feel. I think this is part of the reason my wife gives me so much rope, so to speak, because the alternative was tracking towards the utter destruction of our marriage over this about 5 years ago.

Our SO's demonstrate such strength in the face of something so powerful, perhaps so inevitable. There can be many reasons they try to stick it out. I can only hope the predominant one is simply love. Reality though tells us that it's more complicated than that.

[MatildaJ.]

There can be many reasons they try to stick it out. I can only hope the predominant one is simply love. Reality though tells us that it's more complicated than that.

Love, yes. But I'm also here for the hot sex and the health insurance benefits :-P

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Those are pretty good reasons.

[Sara Jessica]

Yep, but methinks the hot sex thing takes on an entirely different meaning when HRT is involved, particularly when the partner isn't all that on-board.