Why MUST you progress??

[reb.femme]

I find myself agreeing so much with PaulaQ.

The part I found most interesting was the comparison with addiction (smoking for me 28 years ago) and CDing. "The urges come back and increase in intensity over time during abstinence - this is the OPPOSITE of what happens with substance abusers. Abstinent substance abusers tend to get better as they maintain sobriety." As an ex smoker who found it hard to give up on several occasions but finally beat it aged 25, I can think of no earthly reason I would ever go back to it.

I've experienced the completely unexpected deaths of those near to me and the last thing on my mind is smokes or alcohol. On the CD front however, I had tried to avoid over the years the lure of the lingerie and silky soft materials but, after a short period of abstinence, bang! I'm back with avengeance.

Progression for me has been and is limited to being able to dress as I wish at home, which I keep restricted to a day here and there as my wife is not 100% supportive and after all, she married her man. I go to my local Trans group once a month and I don't really see much more for me than that. As for becoming TS......no way José!

Me and my currently assigned anatomy are inseparable....unless I upset the wife and her blunt scissors.

Rebecca

[Princess Grandpa]

Why must we progress? An excellent question indeed. I asked the same question not long ago. Only difference was I left out the word why. Must I progress? Is this some slippery slope? I went from wearing "something pretty and soft once in a great while to fully dressing with make up and forms on a a regular basis that fast. *snaps his fingers*. I grant you it happened at my with my wife's acceptance and urging. I fear greatly what truths I may learn about myself as time passes.

I remember a young boy discovering his body and masturbation. One day it occurs to him how nice those panties/nighties/slips would feel against his body. Of course after he finishes the shame and self loathing kicks in causing him to promise himself he won't be so gross in the future. I have no recollection how long this cycle lasted but at some point it faded away. I met my wife and we married when we were far too young.

We flash forward many years. A marriage on the verge of collapse. A man without intimacy for months is home taking care of his young child while his wife is out for the evening. He sees her nightgown and remembers how happy that silk made him feel when he was younger and would do anything to feel happy again. So he tries it on. Once he finishes he understands why his marriage is crashing and why he will spend the rest of his life alone. He wonders if that's a life worth living at all.

Somehow against all odds the marriage survives. The couple rebuild their life together, They have another child and both children grow up. Then one day he gets his nails painted and a feeling of peace and contentment sweep over him. He understands. This is something inside that must be allowed out!

Most of my life I have suffered from depression. Self diagnosed perhaps, but I have no doubt of what it was. Despite my ability to come off self assured and confident, I had very low self esteem and cried myself to sleep many a night. For the first time that is absent. I know who I am(I hope) and I'm genuinely happy!

This is why I had to progress. I'm so lucky! My wife is as big a freak as I am and is enjoying this with me. What if she felt as so many other spouses here? I would have to continue suppressing this. I wouldn't know what but something unhealthy would be happening inside. I would still struggle with bouts of depression until one day after I was "done being sick" I gave in to what needed to happen and committed suicide.

I think the key word in your question is "must" it's not a choice. Most of us would prefer to be normal I suspect if it were just a matter of making a choice.

Hug
Rita

[Beverley Sims]

You do not have to progress.
It is your choice entirely.
Most want to progress and albeit too quickly, that is why they get into trouble.
If circumstances dictate that you should slow down, do so.
It is your own fault and peer pressure that get's you into the mire that some girls find themselves in.
It is frustrating when you want to proceed and temptation gets the better of you, mistakes are made then.
Remember it is your own fault if you get caught out.
I feel sorry when you do get caught, but the short answer to the question is small steps when the coast is clear.
You do not have to proceed or progress....

"If you don't want to."

[Lady Slipper]

This CD business sure is confusing.

Freaking tell ME about it!

[Jenniferathome]

It is not a "must" but an exploration, I think. For most of us, after being in the closet for decades, we don't know what it is to express that part of us. So I think it natural to go a little bit overboard once out. Now, that, does not mean at the expense of wives, relationships, etc. there are those here who can not control themselves. THAT, I do not understand.

I am a cross dresser but that is not "me." I am much more. Cross dressing is a part of me, but only a small part. My wife, family, life, come first.

I think it is very important that YOU set boundaries for your husband that you are comfortable with. If you don't want to see him dressed, that is your prerogative and his to follow. The only thing you can't request is "stopping." Cross dressing is not an addiction but has similar elements. It's genetic. It's in us. Like brown hair or blue eyes.

Set your rules. It's your life too.

[NicoleScott]

Maybe there are some who, driven by an insatiable need to express their femininity, have mistakenly identified themselves as CD but are really TS.

[Jenniferathome]

...that's it. My H soon took comfort in all things NOT his father (his mother's clothing, her perfume etc) and the path was made. Now here we are.
...

Missus, the path wasn't made because of external causes. I do not believe in the gender dysphoria notion. It's pure genetics. Just like being gay. The path was there from birth. No one would want to be a cross dresser. It's not an easy way to live life.

[kimdl93]

There is no rule or law that says one must progress. And many, many of us do not go beyond a certain point. The constraints may be personal preference, it may be family concerns, it may be professional concerns.

But also, please try to imagine what some of us experience. Using myself as an example, i always felt different, somewhat vaguely so, from the earliest days of memory. And I evidently exhibited some behaviors and interests that were, well, feminine. I learned to suppress and deny those feelings and interests mostly out of self preservation.

As I've matured and come to grips with my divided gender loyalties, I've rediscovered, or at least allowed myself to express those long hidden things. It's been incremental...underdressing, then wearing a few female outer garments, but eventually I found the courage to go all the way...something I always wanted to do, but for so long feared.

Is this a progression. From the outside view, it appears as such. But from my perspective it's simply peeling back the layers of a facade so that the underlying person is revealed.

Of course it's disruptive. And of course, each step out has the risk of damaging relationships. But there's also a risk and cost to hiding, denial and repression. I know this from my own experience. I carried a deeply ingrained self doubt and self loathing that expressed itself as needless temper tantrums and depression. It damaged my first marriage and held me back professionally. Today, I'm a better person, a better partner and a better parent, more confident in myself and my abilities as I've allowed the real me out.

[Princess Grandpa]

Maybe there are some who, driven by an insatiable need to express their femininity, have mistakenly identified themselves as CD but are really TS.

Probably my biggest fear. I don't think this is the case but ten years ago I didn't think I was a cross dresser.

Hug
Rita

[JamieG]

My wife and I have been happily married for 26 years now. :-)
We have three beautiful children.
I have a job that I love.
No, no plans at all for going full time.

Once your on this forum for a while, you start to realize that a LOT of us have far longer marriages than the average person. Don't get me wrong, we also have folks who have lost or ended their marriages, and I'm sure that this was probably part of why, but there are an awful lot of us with very long and successful marriages, so there is no need to feel that yours must be in imminent danger just because your husband is a cross dresser. (I am assuming that this is part of the reason for your question? Forgive me if I presume too much)

I second what Kimberly said. I've been happily married for 12 years, and my wife has known of my dressing for ten of those. I'll admit that I have "progressed" from dressing completely in private without makeup to occasionally shaving my entire body, presenting completely en femme, and going out in safe public places with other TGs. However, this progression happened slowly over time and only after I discussed it with my wife. We were sure to set boundaries early on so that she could express her comfort level, and I was sure to stay within them in order to build up trust. Over time the boundaries expanded by mutual agreement. I am happy with our current arrangement and have no intention of progressing towards hormones or a sex change.

I think progression happens because of fear. For a long time fear of being treated as a pariah keeps us from doing almost anything. As we discover communities like this one, we begin to realize that many of our fears are unfounded. As we shed our fears, we take further steps out of the closet, which appear as progression to an outsider, but in fact we are simply realizing our entire selves. Occasionally, one of us gets such an adrenaline rush out of confronting the fears that they completely forget about the impact on their loved ones and start exhibiting selfish behavior. This is the "pink fog" that we always warn of. This is what can destroy marriages and lose jobs. But it doesn't have to happen. Being aware of it is the first step in controlling the fog.

Jamie

[Tina B.]

Kimdl said it for me, I could have written this one myself, but probably not as well.

[Frédérique]

Why MUST you progress?

Well, let’s consider the word “progress” for a moment, shall we? What is progress, anyway?

Progress is a moving forward, or onward. It has to do with development and improvement, advancement towards perfection (or a higher state). It can also imply continuing towards completion, passing through, pushing forward, and so forth. Many MtF crossdressers who post on this site relate the sequence of acts, or happenings, they encounter, along their personal path to progress. To some, crossdressing is just one step towards longed-for completion, while for others, CD’ing is an end in itself, an advancement that is most profound…

In my case, I “progressed” as soon as I began to crossdress. Having the courage to do that first act was, to me, an act of completion. I DID IT! Now I can enjoy the forbidden fruits of my labor, and spend my time making the whole crossdressing experience more efficient and self-satisfying. I have no aspirations of something higher, in terms of gender displacement, in fact I feel I have reached a relaxing plateau after a LONG arduous climb. I like it here. I won’t be pushing through any more portals, thank you (what's behind door number three?). In short, my progression is at an end, or is it?

But, let me ask you this – doesn’t the NEED to progress fuel the desire to do a thing like crossdress? I mean, you can be like everyone else, and think like everyone else, and do exactly the same things that others do, or you can TRY things, namely those things that others wish you wouldn’t do. Crossdressing is one of those taboo things, and, by its very nature, it expresses a yearning to progress beyond the societal confines put in place by non-inquisitive (and uninteresting) types. If you’re truly alive, you MUST question everything, including your own sexuality, appearance to the world, and relationship with existence, IF you are to progress as a human being…

You might as well ask, “Why must you be ALIVE?”

[docrobbysherry]

I can't speak for TS's Missus as I'm a CD.

Progression: We r adult men. Most of us start, and many still live, in our closet. Think of dressing as a guy would. When we find out others do it, we want to meet them and see if we have things in common and to learn more about our hobby/compulsion and ourselves and to challenge/improve our techniques. Think of it like a guy who gets interested in golfing. He'll want to "practice" as often as possible to improve. And, want to play with his golf buddies and learn and buy newer "equipment" when he's aware it exists. Dressers r just the same!

Your Chocolate metaphor: Yes. ANYONE in a partnership tempers their enthusiasm based on their partner's expected reaction. Someone living alone can eat chocolate whenever they like! Those with partners may not.

Shades of Grey metaphor: If u can read that book without any desire to at least try out some simple rope tricks, then u won't understand our dressing compulsion. Because if that book was about CDing it would give us ALL ideas we'd want to try!

Little boys trying on dresses: ANYONE that thinks putting dresses on "normal, regular" young boys turns them into CDs, is living on a river in Egypt.

[Lorileah]

why must it progress? Because that which does not grow will wither and die. Now I know that the OP would like that as far as the dressing goes...hope it would just go away, but when it goes it takes a part of the person it is in also. With time this could lead to anger and hate. Depression.

Nothing remains static in life. Things change. Relationships change and those that can adapt to the changes stay strong, those who cling to what was, become bitter and disillusioned. Remember that when you think you are in a groove you are really digging a rut.

I can see that the changes are uncomfortable but deep down inside I think that most relationships are built from subtle clues early on. The ability to see things for a different perspective may have been why you chose your SO. Subtle TG things.

Do things need to progress? And truthfully many don't progress at all and some progress at a snails pace. We get an unusual skew here because people who come and post are often the ones who are questioning and want to progress. There are far more TGs in the world who are happy where they are. OK not happy but comfortable and willing to live. Almost every TG in the world would like their SO to see them as they are and encompass them as they are. This is difficult when the SO isn't informed early enough to form their own opinion. No, and between partners often they won't but there is a deep longing on both sides. Finding a shared point is what can hold the relationship together. Allowing both partners to grow and develop. You can remember the past but trying to keep it wears on you. Live life, grow, progress. See the world through new eyes. You mention 50 shades (which although a boom to the increase in the lifestyle it describes is not an accurate vision of said lifestyle). That shows that you want to progress yourself. Have you discussed this with your SO? The analogy of 50 shades and dark chocolate really tells ME that your sex life is foundering. Is you SO using dressing as an alternative? If so then (s)he needs to wake up and see where this is going. Two to tango and all that. There is no reason you both cannot progress and live new adventures. But you NEED to progress. Otherwise you will look back on your life and wonder. In my opinion I would rather say "Gee I wish I had not done that" or "That was really dumb" instead of saying "I wonder what my life would have been like if..." or " I enjoyed every moment"

Life is too short to waste. There was a country song a few years ago called "Don't Blink" and it is so true.

Next thing you know your better half

Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years
Goes faster than you think, so don't blink

Yes trust me...it goes by fast. And I would rather "progress" than become "stagnate"

[Deedee Skyblue]

Anyway, I was honestly starting to believe your stock-standard fetish dresser would be a transexual by year end!! So thanks.

I don't believe that progression is pre-ordained. You DO see a lot of people saying that here. I object every once and a while; everyone is different. One thing most of us genetic males who post here have in common is that we are actively involved in dressing to some degree or other, and we choose to be here. And many of us think crossdressing is a natural form of expression. But there is a big difference in saying "Many people follow a similar progression that leads to transition" which is a perfectly reasonable statement to "Once you put on a pair of panties, you are fated to transition (so why fight it?)" which sometimes seems to be the tone here.

The men who stopped crossdressing aren't posting here. Since they don't some people think they don't exist.

Deedee

[MysticLady]

Right now I use this site to remember how it was before I was busted and discuss god on the religious forum. Blame it on AA and NA. I go to this site because it feels good. I am truly part of this group. I make it a point of treating my CD existence as part of life, not unlike the dark chocolate analogy. A better analogy is a nutritious meal or even good day.

[B][I][COLOR="purple"] We men have a great tendency to go crazy with our interests, hobbies, and obsessions.

Hello All

I have also given this a great deal of thought. At this point my conclusion is as follows(may change as time progresses) As Lynn said above, Men, I believe are designed to want more and more unless there is something restricting from going further like family or the love of woman. Over time, we become complacent and then the want(whatever it may be) comes back. We seek something that will "give us that initial High" that we once had or experienced like Love, alcohol, drugs, sex, crossdressing or anything else. Possibly a reason alcoholic or person that abuses drugs, We continue to seek that initial "high" that becomes even more elusive with every time we do what we do. As Robbin stated, some of us get to a point that when we realize that the "high" will be the elusive carrot that we will never get or have. I believe, once we realize this, we settle into contentment that we may have never experienced before and realize that the "initial High" we once had will never be obtainable again. Unfortunately , some of us continue to seek that initial high until we destroy ourselves and others and never obtaining it. I believe most GG's are wired differently and do not experience this intensity as men do, so their understanding of this intensity is very limited. A GG is content w/ her husband and family were a husband will seek more than what a wife and a family gives him. Like robbin above, when God and His teachings are included into the thought process of a man, then at that point, he may understand that the "initial highs" will never be obtained here on earth but only when we are with God in His Kingdom. Man, was created too seek God while a Woman was created to seek her man and once found, she is content where a man will never be until he is w/ his creator. Just my thoughts on this Sunday Morning.

Just an Add. When a woman tries to convey her thoughts to a man it makes no sense to man just as a man tries to convey his thoughts to a woman. It just does not make sense or just can't comprehend because of the way we're built or created.

[Princess Grandpa]

I think what Lorileah says is very important.

"We get an unusual skew here because people who come and post are often the ones who are questioning and want to progress. There are far more TGs in the world who are happy where they are. OK not happy but comfortable and willing to live."


"Almost every TG in the world would like their SO to see them as they are and encompass them as they are."

Perception is more powerful than reality
Hug
Rita

[Tracii G]

Lorileah pretty much summed it all up with her post.
Equating CDing to an addiction can be said of some CD ers They get the taste then run with it and push it too far and cause family problems.
Those I would say are people with an addictive personality to begin with no matter what they do in life. So I'm sure they see it differently than I do.
As far as one thing leading to another or because you CD you will eventually have SRS makes no sense.

[Stephanie47]

Hi Missus, I am going to limit my response to situations or family dynamics where the man is not a transsexual. I think there is sufficient medical literature indicating some people are born into the wrong body. That raises separate issues of which there have been lively discussions on this forum.

Not every cross dressing man progresses continuously into the pink fog at the detriment of the women. I have never figured out why I do what I do. So, I've stopped racking my brain about it. What I have not done is 'force' onto my wife a lifestyle she is not accepting of. She does not want any part of it. So, why should I impose cross dressing into the bedroom. That would get me kicked out of the house. If my wife wanted to have sex with a woman, she would have sex with a woman, and not a man in drag. Why should I wear a bra around the house, if it makes her uncomfortable?

It seems many men no matter what the issue will impose their point of view on the spouse. Some religions have created a doctrine that makes women totally subservient to the whim of the man. Some guys just say, that's the way it's going to be. It may be buying that all consuming muscle car to trick out at the expense of the family budget. It may be going out every Friday and Saturday night to drink beer with his buddies, while the wife sits home alone.

I wonder how many men, intentionally or subconsciously, push the issue because of their feeling of dominance. It may be an engrained defect on my part to consider the feelings of my wife, and, how cross dressing will affect OUR mutual life together.

Yes, it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." It also means I value the friendship I have with my wife. I value the mutual respect we have for each other. She is not just 'something' I acquired during my life.

[~Joanne~]

Since I finally embraced and accepted that I am a CD, and believe me it took a very long time, I have also known how far this road goes for me. My "progression" ends with going out, here and there, but not all the time. I will always try to improve my presentation while enfemme , but I know my road doesn't lead to full time, transitioning, sex with men , or anything else that strips "me" from this equation. I hope to have the best of both worlds and walk in between them unnoticed and just live my life and enjoy both sides of it equally.

[Wildaboutheels]

Utter HOGWASH and just one of many Forum MYTHS that help no one, neither CDs of "every flavor" and or GGs and especially the Newbies. Throw in a few of the Forum Dinos who are quite insistent that we are all the "same" and that our individual journeys/parents/siblings/upbringing are completely irrelevant to "what" makes us "us"...

One GG mentioned not long ago, that coming here [to this particular site] and reading various threads planted many MORE seeds of doubt. It's got to be the same for many newbies.

FACT: There must be at least multiple dozens if not hundreds of other CDing websites. I doubt if any of those men ever worry about progressing. I am also just guessing that very few are full dressers and/or try to pass as women.

My take is that maybe 1/3 of this site is comprised of females born with male bodies, who need or at least "want" to transition. About 50% Bi, and dressing is something that allows them to still be 100% guy. [in their minds]. Except when they are dressed. [The ONLY time they become attracted to guys] Surely you have seen "those" threads? The rest just want to wear whatever clothes they like and do. At home or out. They don't need or want to be seen as/treated as a female.

The common denominator for all of the above? O's.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/......&highlight=

Humans ARE animals. Pavlov and his dogs/Pavlov with his whistle. CDers [most] with their clothes. I think the conclusion is obvious and inevitable.

I am going to guess that YOUR fella has few granny dresses or flats?

[MysticLady]

One GG mentioned not long ago, that coming here [to this particular site] and reading various threads planted many MORE seeds of doubt. It's got to be the same for many newbies.

I think that may have been my wife, she's a tough cookie, that's for sure. Probably why I love her. You know, I may have brainal damage like she says, but not because of crossdressing

[DonniDarkness]

why MUST your dressing progress from whatever minor place it started into a daily nightmare where wives are lost, children are told and extended families broken apart? Why can't you exert some form of self control over the progression?

Ok so im going to say some things from the heart, crucify me if you like.

the first question: Realize that for some of us, we are not living a nightmare. Being who we are does not shame others, no matter how much the world loves to shame us. Some of us have been truthful about who we are to the women we have shared our lives with and that act of honesty is the difference between the shameful and the shameless.

Families are broken apart everyday for many reasons. Infidelity, lack of monetary responsibility....im sure i dont have to list all these reasons for you....If the relationships you forge throughout your life are broken because of what clothes you wear, these relationships were already broken and they are using CDing, Transgenderism or self expression as an excuse not to fix it.

The suggestion that we should stay in the closet or stop progressing just fuels the thought pattern that there is something wrong with us and we should be ashamed. This is not true. The majority of the people here are quite happy with themselves and progressing further is only natural....in fact its human nature to progress socially through our self identities, no matter which little ray of gender sunshine you hail from.

The second question:

Some form of Self control......hmmm like hiding so your not embarrassed or ashamed? Lets re-edify the fact that this is their/your problem. Hiding and being ashamed of who we are is what got us into this social mess in the first place.

Crusader for Change,
-Donni-

[TheMissus]

Thanks everyone for the responses. It's interesting to see how different everyone views their own personal journey and what it means to them. Progression clearly happens to some here but it's not a necessary ingredient.

One thing I saw pop up a few times was the desire for more acceptance and honestly, I don't think that's far off. Society is changing FAST and I don't doubt crossdressing will be boring to most people in the future.

But I also think some here are hoping for another acceptance to happen over time and that's women accepting this into their sexuality. I think many here hope, and perhaps even assume, women will one day view crossdressers with as much attraction as masculine men.

Never. Going. To. Happen.

This one you'll eventually have to let go. Biologically, heterosexual women will almost always choose a masculine man over a feminine man, and a man presenting as a woman is really not on her radar. Unless women change genetically and somehow our wiring of tens of thousands of years alters us to desire femininity, then this is how things will remain regardless of social acceptance.

Thing is, I know most of you know this already as I'd bet most here met their wives while presenting as men. If anyone here truly thought women desired crossdressers they'd have dated in full female regalia. I know a few may have succeeded here but let's not pretend this isn't RARE. So socially I believe life will get easier, of this I have no doubt, but I would bet my right boob that crossdressers of the future will struggle just as hard to find and keep a heterosexual relationship as they do now. Such is the hand you've been dealt. Lucky most here seem strong enough to cope with it.

And WildaboutHeels, no way is my H wearing granny clothing. Think Britney Spears at a nightclub and you have a good idea, lol.

[MatildaJ.]

I think many women are attracted to a man with a slender build, thin shoulders, little body hair, and a pretty face with long eyelashes. Many women can also be attracted to men who wear skirts with confidence and panache. I think it's possible that men wearing skirts and mascara and shaving their body hair may be commonplace or fashionable, within the next twenty years

But it's hard to stay attracted to a man while he goes through what amounts to a teenager's puberty period. From what I've read here, it doesn't sound very pleasant for either the transitioning person or their spouse. Plus the wife has all sorts of anger at the woman who has replaced the familiar male persona she married.

Seems to me that it would be easier for a MtF woman to divorce, wait, build up her confidence, and then date a new person, rather than try to keep a marriage going despite all the pain and bitterness.