Why MUST you progress??

[TheMissus]

I read often here of progression so I have to ask - why MUST your dressing progress from whatever minor place it started into a daily nightmare where wives are lost, children are told and extended families broken apart? Why can't you exert some form of self control over the progression? Surely this is part of living in the human race. Surely we can all agree that a society where people indulge entirely in their own needs is not a society that will survive. We'll be scratching our butts with the monkeys in no time.

Reading here (whether here is a true reflection on most CD's or not) shows an almost addictive element to CDing that might make many a wife lift an eyebrow and wonder why YOU get a free pass to overindulge while the rest of us limit ourselves to dark chocolate and 50 Shades of Grey (for example...not saying I read such tripe Does the lack of a toxic substance make CD progression any different from any other addiction?

I'd love to know and I'm sure I'll get flogged for asking.

[TxKimberly]

I don't think I've got the brain power for such a deep question so early in the morning . . .
What "we" are is highly subjective and changes from person to person, and so none of us can speak for all of us to answer such a broad question.
In my opinion, everything in life goes on a scale. On one side you place the positive aspects of a choice - what you "get" from it. Does it bring you fortune? Does it bring you happiness?
On the other side of the scale you place all of the drawbacks for that choice. Does it cost too much? Does it hurt? Does it harm others?
In the end, it's up to you to take a look at the scale and see which way it tips . . .

[Raychel]

Very interesting question.

For me, crossdressing has been part of my life for over 40 years.
Now at over 50 years old, I guess I would just like to live my life how I feel most comfortable
Sometimes that includes dressing up in women's clothes.

Is it right for me to force this on anyone else. No not really, But is it fair to me to have to hide in my own house
just so I can dress how I like, No that is not really fair either. I would like to progress to where I can dress how I
like when ever I want, But only if the feelings of others around me are considered. To this point all has been good.
Will I take the next step, Maybe, Maybe not, Would I like to take that step, Sure I would.

Do you have to limit yourself to Dark Chocolate. Well I guess that would be up to you. If you want White Chocolate
maybe you should give it a try, You might just like it.

[Cheryl T]

As the saying goes, "the only things you Must do is die and pay taxes".

There is no Must when it comes to this. For some it's a natural progression borne of years of hiding in fear till we at last throw caution to the wind and express who we feel we really are. For others it's never that and remains simply a private activity. For even more it's somewhere in between. There is no single form of expression that we all follow. We are all individuals and have needs and desires specific to the individual.

Perhaps what you are reading is simply the expression by those that have tossed aside the fear and caution. I'm sure that many of us here have done that and therefore may be those that are voicing that feeling to a greater degree than others who have not.

[suzy1]

The problem is, every one of us is different. We range from putting on some panties once in our lives and that’s it to going all the way to transition.
If a man realises that he is a crossdresser then that is a part of his make up, not something he can give up [Like drugs]

Is it overindulging? I don’t thinks so.

[I loved 50 shades of grey?]

[TheMissus]

Perhaps what you are reading is simply the expression by those that have tossed aside the fear and caution. I'm sure that many of us here have done that and therefore may be those that are voicing that feeling to a greater degree than others who have not.

Thank you for answering me in a way that actually makes complete sense. I do get a little sidetracked in my own personal journey here (understanding my H better) when I read repeated stories of progression and throwing aside caution, as you mentioned. But of course, those for whom CD is WHO they are and not something they do, are the people who've got the most to voice here as it's SO important...and really, I do get that. I'm sad for wives and families...but that's hardly addiction - that's authenticity.

Anyway, I was honestly starting to believe your stock-standard fetish dresser would be a transexual by year end!! So thanks.

This CD business sure is confusing.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

I love the deep questions -- only wish I was deeper.

I've gone from totally enamored with CD late last year to a 90 day purge at the request of my wife to something in between. When I started, i was convinced that I could pass for a woman as I could play a role on stage. Then, between alcohol and substance abuse, I acted out in a strange town, got "busted" because my worried relatives called my wife about the clothes that I had in my 65 pound suitcase.

Right now I use this site to remember how it was before I was busted and discuss god on the religious forum. Blame it on AA and NA. I go to this site because it feels good. I am truly part of this group. I make it a point of treating my CD existence as part of life, not unlike the dark chocolate analogy. A better analogy is a nutritious meal or even good day.

I question my sexuality but not that seriously. I hook up with the (other?) gays and lesbians in the programs talking about things like this. I recently discovered Emily Dickenson, feeling a part of her, as I do many female writers. I think of myself as living in another era, dressing and making frilly clothes for myself in my studio.

I am now convinced I will never need to be "productive" in CDing. I'll never live in San Francisco and, most importantly, I will try to stay married and truly love my wife and family. I just need to be productive in my existence, play a better musical instrument, still be a pretty good community theater actor, write, always remembering that this is part of me.

I am much more fem than male sometimes. Perhaps all the time. But that's just me. "For me" Buzz words in the program.

[Cheryl T]

Thank you for answering me in a way that actually makes complete sense. I do get a little sidetracked in my own personal journey here (understanding my H better) when I read repeated stories of progression and throwing aside caution, as you mentioned. But of course, these are the people who've got the most to voice here as it's SO important...and really, I do get that. I'm sad for wives and families...but that's hardly addiction - that's authenticity.

Anyway, I was honestly starting to believe your stock-standard fetish dresser would be a transexual by year end!! So thanks.

This CD business sure is confusing.

Yes, it is confusing.
We become confused because we have a feeling of who we are and a need to express that feeling that differs from what society has deemed correct for us based on gender at birth.
We become confused because we fear the derision and ridicule of those who do not understand what it is to be us, and who do not share our deep seated feelings.
We become confused because we are unable to accept ourselves as we are.

Once we gain that self-acceptance the confusion begins to dissipate.

No, we do not all begin as crossdressers and follow a pre-determined path to TS. We are individuals and make choices, choices that help us to satisfy OUR needs, not those of others or of a group.

[Jessica Keys]

This is a excellent question that I have asked myself while reading the posts on here.
And yes, it is possible with your "make up" to move away from this.

[TheMissus]

Robbin, you sound like you've got yourself together and are working on being the 'best you, you can be.' (gotta love Oprah)

This is all I want from my H and really, we're slowly getting there. I left here once before due to finding conflicting advice but I came back because elsewhere just makes me feel...worse? Many places leave wives feeling like freaks for staying with a CD. I had one ex wife tell me she thought I must be fat, ugly and of serious low self esteem for staying. Sorry babe, quite the opposite!

Anyway, that's another story. But it's nice to also read this CAN be controled and levelled with in everyday life if, unlike those for whom it's a lifestyle, it's something you don't NEED to survive, so to speak. Though, I'm sure plenty of fetish dressers DO imagine they'll die without it - or their penis will fall off. I'll have to ask my H which one is most scary.

If he says the latter, I guess I can put aside the transexual fears, haha

[PretzelGirl]

As it is said, we are all different. It isn't just in what we do but also the reasons why. The reasons why is what applies to your question. Someone who is transsexual may go straight to transition or take a slow path through believing they are a crossdresser and they keep progressing to find out otherwise. A crossdresser who is full time or near it doesn't start that way. Then there are those that do it once a blue moon and stay there. They aren't progressing.

While there is something inside of us that drive many of us, I also think there are many that aren't driven in that manner. I am one that believes there are some that can quit, although it is a small percentage. The difference is why we do this in the first place. And that is also going to be the underlying reason on whether you progress or not. There is always some level of choice in it, but you just can't ignore your own make-up (and I don't mean foundation).

[Robbin_Sinclair]

.....Anyway, I was honestly starting to believe your stock-standard fetish dresser would be a transexual by year end!! So thanks......This CD business sure is confusing.

Following up on my other post and what you just posted:

Remember, you are on a site that people sought out, foresaking all others. It is like going to the church on a Sunday morning and asking the choir how they feel about god and music. Not a very good sample. I made the mistake that it was. Combine that with a mind confused with alcohol and substances, I was far overly impressed.

Take it easy. XXhuggs, robbin

[Kathy Smith]

Well... If you can answer the question "why?" then you're a better TV than I am. lol

Just my 2 penn'orth:

It seems to be a question of what the driving force is. Someone who is inherrently TS, even though they may not realise it at first, is "on a journey" toward the gender that they feel that they need to be. Those with gender dysphoria feel that need the most strongly. It is this group as a whole who will be most likely to suffer the broken relationships. Not all this group will progress as far as GRS, but almost all those who do will be from this group. Many will end up full-time.

On the other hand, those of us that are crossdressers, without strong gender problems (if any at all), will probably only progress to some much lower level, where they feel that their need is met. It might be occasional underdressing or it might be regular girly nights out. This group might have more control over how far they go, or they might just have a lower target to achieve. The problems start when a member of this group discovers that they actually belong in the first group!

That's about it as far as I can see it.

[heatherdress]

Seems like these are individual questions which are best discussed with your SO or spouse - the one you feel "must progress". I am concerned about your pain and hope you can resolve the problems you describe. I do not want to be defensive, but I did try to respond to some specific questions you raised:

- mandatory progression - I do not believe everyone "must" progress, as you question. While there is a wide range of behaviors which fall under the general category of crossdressing, each individual is different. Range of dressing, frequency, purpose, intent, circumstances, age, family situation, employment, finances, location, genetics, sexual orientation, health - a wide range of differences which offers different bahavior.

- Progression, learning, experimentation, exploration, growth, discovery - has different meanings for each of us

- "daily nightmare where wives are lost, children are told and extended families broken apart" - seems awful, needs to be addressed, but does not apply to everyone or even most who CD (I am sorry for you and hope your troubles can be resolved)

- "Why can't you exert some form of self control over the progression?" - agree, we should be able to control our behaviors and, if we can't, we should seek help

- "a society where people indulge entirely in their own needs is not a society that will survive" - agree, but all crossdressers do not simply "indulge entirely their own needs" and there are many people who do "indulge entirely in their own needs" and do so without crossdressing

- "an almost addictive element to CDing that might make many a wife lift an eyebrow" - agree, any selfish addictions would cause any spouse pain and concern

- "why YOU get a free pass to overindulge" - agree, we should not overindulge, but there are few "free passes" anywhere in life, there are costs and limits; also, not all crossdressers "overindulge"

- "Does the lack of a toxic substance make CD progression any different from any other addiction?" - yes, simple CD progression does not specifically equate to an addiction; I would also offer that if someone is "addicted" to crossdressing, there would be similarities and differences to substance abuse, gambling, food and other addictions - and they should seek help

No flogging - I hope this works out OK for you and your family.

[PaulaQ]

Missus,

My opinion is that many people on this forum suffer from either a minor form of Gender Dysphoria, or something very much like it. My belief is that many here have some physical portion of their brains that are more female in structure than male. If CDing is enough to alleviate the discomfort a person feels, then they are exceedingly fortunate.

What I'm suggesting is that there is a partial mismatch between the gender of their mind, and the gender of their bodies. Cross gender expression seems to alleviate this.

Why do I make a comparison between what many CDs experience and what TS people experience? Well, let's look at some similarities:

1. Many CDs here experience real discomfort if they don't CD for a while. The period and degree of this discomfort varies. For a TS, the discomfort is pretty much 24/7, pretty unbearable (the extent of this varies), and not solved merely by dressing. (For some this helps, for others it is insufficient.) This seems similar to me, but varying in severity.

2. Many TS girls I know started out cross dressing when they were young. By no means all, but this is a common pattern for MtF TS. It stands to reason that some of the "just a CD" girls here are TS, and just haven't figured it out yet.

3. GD is most definitely progressive. Lots of other medical conditions are progressive if untreated. Why this should surprise anyone is beyond me. If the progression a CD faces is slow enough, and mild enough, that an increasingly feminine appearance is sufficient to alleviate their discomfort, and they don't need to transition, then they are very fortunate.

What I'm suggesting here is that many forum members here suffer from either the same, or a highly similar physical condition of their brains that gives them a partial feminine identity. This is a part of them, you can't change it. You can't stop it. You can only hope it is mild enough that they remain "just a CD."

How is this different from an addiction? I struggled with this question myself, because I've been sober for 23 years now. My conclusion is that our powerlessness over cross gender expression is very similar to that of an addict - we are powerless over this. Unlike an addict though, the treatment for this is NOT abstinence, it is, counters intuitively indulgence. People here frequently report giving up CD for years. Are they happy and well adjusted? No. Not if you really read what most of them say. The urges come back and increase in intensity over time during abstinence - this is the OPPOSITE of what happens with substance abusers. Abstinent substance abusers tend to get better as they maintain sobriety. (This is hard to do, BTW.) They tend to be happier and life tends to be better. NOT SO for the typical abstinent CDer here - they get worse, and many are totally miserable. (Compare with a TS who speaks of misery and "living a lie")

So if your spouse can be OK being a dude most of the time, and just needs to look pretty sometimes (even if the extent and frequency increases over time), but they never need to transition (most here won't in my opinion), then YOU are lucky, at least relatively, because if your SO freaks you out now, all I can say as a TS is "you ain't seen nothing' yet."

BTW, I expect this post to be as unpopular as all hell, because their is a LOT of denial on this forum. (This is another similarity with addiction.) My opinion is that the reason for that is largely based on fear and social conditioning. The fear is justified, being TS is an awful fate, and the social conditioning is brutal.

[Zylia]

Yeah, for me, the 'pink fog' is actually the little pink progress monster in the corner that's staring at me every time I'm enjoying my 'femme self' a bit too much. Then I remember I'd be a terrible girl. I may like fashion and I can actually cook, but I can also read maps, I cannot find my keys even if they're in plain sight, I like Star Trek and I can only do one thing at a time.
And my farts smell.

But seriously, I don't have any problems with being a guy and I'm very careful about crossing points of no return. I like to dress up, but moderation is key, and probably something that keeps me happy.

[Lynn Marie]

We men have a great tendency to go crazy with our interests, hobbies, and obsessions. Sometimes to the terrible detriment of our families and friends. We have a hard time growing out of being selfish, self centered, little boys. Often it is an escape from our responsibilities to family, work, and community, ie "man cave". We also have a need to excel at something and be recognized for our prowess. Also to the detriment of the more mundane duties of home and family. And then we have those of us who feel trapped in the wrong body or just that we are girls!

[heatherdress]

I also want to add that my wife supports and enjoys when I crossdress. She actually prompted my initial discovery that I like to crossdress. I have not done anything without her knowledge. We do role play and have fun.

We both feel that it has also made us more intimate. We have discussed the "why's" and the "how does it make you feel" and the assurances and appreciation and understanding associated.

Once again, I understand your doncerns and wish you well. Good luck.

[TxKimberly]

. . . I was honestly starting to believe your stock-standard fetish dresser would be a transexual by year end!! So thanks.

This CD business sure is confusing.

My wife and I have been happily married for 26 years now. :-)
We have three beautiful children.
I have a job that I love.
No, no plans at all for going full time.

Once your on this forum for a while, you start to realize that a LOT of us have far longer marriages than the average person. Don't get me wrong, we also have folks who have lost or ended their marriages, and I'm sure that this was probably part of why, but there are an awful lot of us with very long and successful marriages, so there is no need to feel that yours must be in imminent danger just because your husband is a cross dresser. (I am assuming that this is part of the reason for your question? Forgive me if I presume too much)

[TheMissus]

Thanks PaulaQ, I appreciate your honesty


I am actually one who will disagree though as my H and I have had extensive counselling in this area and can pinpoint the very thing that got him on this path. Up until this point, (age 7 I think?) he hadn't a 'girl' thought in his head. Nothing. The idea never even occurred as it doesn't to most young boys.

My H started CD in large part because of how his father outright rejected him - and in small part - because his father rejected his sister less. (He also had incidents of being forced to wear his sister's clothing that sealed his fate, so to speak) That's it. My H soon took comfort in all things NOT his father (his mother's clothing, her perfume etc) and the path was made. Now here we are.

So I don't believe everyone here has a different brain gender anymore than I have a boy brain because I like to rock climb on occasion because it calms me down. I think SOME have gender dysphoria, while the rest unwittingly picked a path brought about by circumstances not of their doing. I mean, what little boy REALLY understands the hard reality of his future when he tries on that dress? None, of course. They're just doing what makes sense at that moment, as any child does.

Anyway, I'm fairly certain male brains can decide to wear a dress too, so I'm firmly in the camp that gender dysphoria is a condition SOME here face, while others walk a very different path that COULD lead to addictive behaviour.

Just my perspective on all this.

[Zylia]

Lynn Marie knocked it out of the park. Thread's closed.

Actually makes me wonder if there's any correlation between ('severity' of) cross-dressing and autism spectrum disorders, but let's not go there

[mikiSJ]

We all negotiate life the best we can and seldom is there a win/win result, but there also needn't be a zero sum solution to every life's event. Crossdressing can become a compulsion, a prelude to a confusing journey or simply a pleasure. It is NOT an addiction.

Miki arrived with a bang late last year and it almost cost me my marriage. We compromised and have managed to get through so far, together. But, if it weren't for my marriage and its importance to me, I would most likely be living as Miki full-time (at least that is what I think I want right now). Since a part of our compromise is that I don't dress at home, and because I developed a nasty case of vertigo Monday I am writing this post scratching my week old beard in my guy bathrobe wishing I was in a hotel room taking off my nail polish after spending a wonderful evening with the girls from the River City Gems and their dinner social. But, alas...

So, what is progress? In my case it was reaching an currently acceptable life style with my wife. For others, it is being a bulldozer crushing everything in their past to get to where they think they are entitled and the rest of the world be damned, being so timid that their very soul becomes irrelevant in their need to protect their privacy.

I think the most successful of us here are those that do take into account their own needs first, but always try to balance their needs against the trauma that can arise in their relationships; whether at home, work or elsewhere.

[TheMissus]

We men have a great tendency to go crazy with our interests, hobbies, and obsessions. Sometimes to the terrible detriment of our families and friends. We have a hard time growing out of being selfish, self centered, little boys. Often it is an escape from our responsibilities to family, work, and community, ie "man cave". We also have a need to excel at something and be recognized for our prowess. Also to the detriment of the more mundane duties of home and family. And then we have those of us who feel trapped in the wrong body or just that we are girls!

Ha, I think you just summed up my H! He's a total 'boy' about all this. Ironic isn't it?

Such a great answer. I think you just alleviated today's fears. Thanks!



And HeatherDress, thank you so much for the thoughtful answers. But actually, my question was more on observation of what I read here as my H is usually one of the controlled ones. Usually...hence my concern there's some set path to progression!

Maybe there is, but Lynn just gave me permission to send him to his man cave without dinner if it happens

[Kate Simmons]

What many don't understand is that in a lot of cases(not all) what drives the dressing are very deep feelings that need to be addressed. Progression of CDing(which is a process) is one way to do this and to express them. Many don't get that far, however, and are on a seemingly endless merry-go-round or roller coaster, never understanding why they are doing what they are doing. Of course some folks dress for sheer pleasure.If we strive to understand our feelings and are successful, we realize that we can, indeed, control the process. It seems to be a demanding process, however and if let on the loose will take on a mind of it's own at the expense of a person's family, friends, job, etc. The only real way to beat it is to make it a total choice rather than letting it remain an overriding compulsion. In other words, the person makes the choice whether they want to dress or not and the person is in control, not the compulsion. It's not easy and takes hard work but it can be done.

[AlyssaS]

It's personal fulfillment, isn't it? I'm willing to bet more families have been torn apart by both people working too long hours than have been by crossdressing. Why is it not ok to say 'well, the woman just would give up her career goals for the sake of the family, so she's a bad person / in the wrong'? Both the 'traditional female role' and the dislike of crossdressing come from the cultural history of Western society -- why is it acceptable for one group to fight for something more than that but not others?