coming out: What Worked

[ErinSassyPants]

When you have come out* to people what has worked well?

Also were there things you noticed that did not work out well?

I'm not speaking of the persons reactions, I'm speaking of the way you did things. Did you have a plan? Was there something you did that helped it go smoother/helped you feel better about the situation and/or was there something you did that you think made things go worse than they may have?


*I know that coming out often indicates the really big times, but I would also include all of the "little coming outs" The times for instance each day that someone who is transitioning may need to explain something to someone they encounter. So when I ask about coming out, I would include everything from the giant talk with the wife who hasn't known for 100 years down to the awkward moment with a stranger and everything in between.

[Karren H]

Though I love statistics as much as the other engineers.... what works and doesn't so so totally independent of the process.... framework and structure.... and totally dependent on someone who's reactions can't be predifined let alone even quantified....

[ErinSassyPants]

Good thing I'm not interested in statistics then.

Is that your way of answering that you won't be answering?

[Jenniferathome]

I've come out to exactly one person, my wife. It went well. I had a plan. I wrote my disclosure and memorized it. Total, unabashed honesty worked. My disclosure to my wife is in my signature.

[Rogina B]

I have only shown Rogina in the flesh...I don't do it with words or pictures as I have a need to show that I am comfortable being me. With some of my many "exes",sometimes they may have a positive initial reaction that deteriorates after they realize that they never knew the real me...Other "exes" were a part of it all along,so there is no shock at all,just amazement at Rogina's development. Everyone's results vary as Karen said..

[DonniDarkness]

Was there something you did that helped it go smoother/helped you feel better about the situation and/or was there something you did that you think made things go worse than they may have?

Once i made the decision to come out to someone other than my wife, i decided to just simply live my life. When questions come up i answer them honestly without feeling like im explaining myself. Announcing that you are a CD or TG to people makes them feel as though you are seeking validation. Coming out is about being proud of who you are, not explaining or rationalizing who you are. I dont let anyone in my life think i am ashamed of who i am because it gives them a foot in the door to question my identity.

speaking for myself,
-Donni-

[Beverley Sims]

Mine are always an explanation of my little mannerisms.
Knowledge of feminine mannerisms need explanation all the time.

[arbon]

In hindsight I would not have made as big a deal about it as I often did, I would have skipped the letters and long explanations - except with my wife and daughter who needed a lot of communication about it. But everyone else I would have just said this is what I am doing and let them figure the rest out from there.

I spent way to much energy worrying about peoples reactions.

Its not very often but sometimes I still get to come out to people I have not seen or talked to in a long time - their expressions when they see me, or when I tell them on the phone the guy they are calling is dead now I took his place, can be very amusing

[kimdl93]

In the case of my then GF, i just said the words, 'I am a cross dresser'. an hour or more later we has pretty much talked it out. over the years I evolve, progressed, or discovered that my interest ran a bit deeper. We had another talk and then left it be for a few hours while she worked things through. Later that night, she leaned over, kissed me and said 'you can dress however you want, whenever you want.' She's an exceptional person.

With friends and co workers, sometimes it was a phone call, a few times just a heads up. With neighbor, it's often been a chance encounter and a brief conversation.

So far, it's all been good.

[vikki2020]

I've started the process with people that "know" me, but, not really. Workers in the stores I frequent--and have seen me come in for years, as a guy. Started out with some subtle hints--- enough to make them quizzical,lol! I explained the situation, and that they will be seeing me more and more as a woman-- and started shopping in my nice clothes, so there was no mistake! So far, the reaction has been great--all around. Now, I would feel funny, going in as a guy! It's been giving me the confidence to move on to friends and family.

[Lainie]

I come out to strangers every time I leave the house dressed; i.e., pretty often. Handlebar & skirt/dress are enough--I don't have to speak the words. What works is being polite, acting normal, paying for the merchandise, chit-chat, treating others with respect. I see few of these people ever again--only a handful of boutique owners & staff, & a few museum staffers where I volunteer see me over & over. I suppose they think I'm crazy, but they don't refuse to associate with me.

Of course, wives, children & work colleagues have different expectations.

[stefan37]

I told 2 girlfriends when it looked as if was getting serious. I told my wife on our 4th date I had a need to cross dress
. Events 33+ year's later are more open. I am actively transitioning and I tell those that need to know or those that ask. I have had gender issues for a long time and I am doing something about it. If they have questions I am more than happy to discus it. Transition happens to be a very public process. There is no more hiding. Name change requires 2 legal notices to be published bin the local paper.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know. I guess what has worked for me is just being honest. Waiting for the right time didn't work since there is no right time. I just had to get over my fears and do what I was needing to do.

[PretzelGirl]

First, my wife told her two best friends by text. I generally wouldn't recommend that, but they are a pretty accepting pair. One responded with "That's awesome" and the other wanted to see my sequin dresses. The one that said awesome gave me a key to her place so I could change there if needed.

But when I planned it, I first told my oldest daughter with my wife and one of those friends were with me. It went very well but I did learn not to over talk it. So that daughter and my wife were there when I told her husband. Another success. Then it just become a pattern. I decided if I wanted to tell the person, I waited for the right time, and I told them with supporting people around. Then I would tell them in the shortest form I can come up with and let them lead the conversation.

The right time is defined as there is no right time, but you don't want to do it when they have a serious stressful situation going on. Supporting friends help keep a positive tone. You don't want them to over sell it, but it helps the feeling of normal.

Now I have continued with telling friends one on one, but the family get the planned outing.

What I don't do is dress in front of them to surprise them and I don't throw a picture in front of them. So far, all have asked to see a picture and all the ladies have been interested in the warddrobe. Guys just go "That's cool".

[Amy R Lynn]

I have come out to a few people that I trust. I do keep Amy a secret to most people. I told my girlfriend at the time about Amy, and she broke up with me a week later because she didn't think she could date me as a CD. However, she has since gone on to become my best supporter and a great friend!

I can't really say that I have a set recipe/plan that will work for everyone. The ones that I have told, I keep it short and simple. I expect to be asked a lot of questions. I also expect that some of these questions could be a bit uncomfortable for everyone, but I answer all of the questions that they have honestly (questions within reason of course!).

No one situation is the same, but just be honest with it. If you dance around a subject and don't tell them the truth, then they are left to make assumptions that probably won't be true.

[Brooklyn]

I'm out to just about everyone. What seems to work best is to use plain words and not jargon. When I tell people that I like to dress up, that I've been doing it since I was five, and really don't know why, they seem fine with that. When I've told people something like "I'm still trying to figure out where I fall on the transgender spectrum" they freak out, even though it's technically true. Also, it's easier if you don't make a huge production of it. When I casually project confidence and show I've long-since accepted the way I am, it seems to put people at ease.

[Leona]

I have only "come out" to two people: myself and my wife. And these two events, while separate, happened within seconds of each other.

As for the rest? I just started acting like if you were my friend or relative, you should already know. Of the ones I know well, nobody was surprised, and nobody cared. Nobody stepped up to offer help on how to dress/wear makeup/act like a girl, which means that for them, it was already normalized when I acted like it should be normalized.

However, there is still enough of a fascination that I have to be careful, particularly on Facebook, that I don't hijack conversations with it. And on Facebook in particular, where my friends have friends/families for whom it's not necessarily normalized, it can be quite entertaining to bring it up randomly. The ol' "This bra itches", "Wanna borrow mine?" sorta conversation is always fun.

Luckily, none of my friends wear the same bra size as I do. My wife does, though.... (Earlier tonight I was offering her one of my bras to go with a tank top she just bought, heh )

[Rogina B]

Also, it's easier if you don't make a huge production of it. When I casually project confidence and show I've long-since accepted the way I am, it seems to put people at ease.

And that is the reason that I choose to show them in the flesh rather than words or a pic...I am comfortable being me...anywhere..

[Cheryl T]

I came out to just my wife and it was just plain honesty beginning with "We have a problem". From there I explained about my dressing and we talked and talked. I am one of the lucky ones as she is fully accepting. It took some time, but the effort spent was well worth the pain.

[Princess Grandpa]

Only two people know about this. My wife and my son. My wife was there at the moment of realization. She,
Ike me, wasn't bright enough to realize a drawer full of panties meant I was a cross dresser. But she painted my nails and witnessed/shared in that moment of discovery.

My grown son walked in on me dressed up just a week and a half later as I'm working at my computer in skirt, blouse heels, and lipstick. His reaction was "I have known you and Mom were into alternative lifestyle for years. Your my Dad IDGAF what you do. To this point our relationship is unchanged.

I suppose its possible I just had a huge dollop of luck. I'm more inclined to believe the 20 previous years were the determining factor. The love, acceptance and understanding that is built into our relationship is why they so easily went with the program.

For the most part I don't feel the need to tell people. It's certainly better than being walked in on I think. But for me there is most definitely a strong sexual component. In some ways talking about it feels a lot like talking about foreplay. I wonder if this is related to my discomfort going out in public. /shrug probably not

Hug
Rita

[Lorileah]

To the main people in my life, I just told them and then referred them to photos (or in the olden days my web page) if they wanted to see. To my friends I have told them about it and then shown up somewhere later.

[Dianne S]

I came out to my wife before we were married. I didn't really have a plan; I just sort of blurted it out one day. She was surprised, but not put off enough to break off with me.

Fast-forward to today: She basically accepts my CDing, but is not thrilled by it. Our marriage is in a rocky place at the moment and though it's not primarily because of CDing, I'm sure that doesn't help.

The only other family member I've come out to is my mother, years ago, and she's blocked it from her thoughts.

I would never come out to my kids... certainly not until their teenage years are over.

[ErinSassyPants]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your sharing. I am not surprised to hear that the more comfortable it is for you and the more sure and casual you are when you express it the better people react.

I admire you all for your courage.

[PaulaQ]

For my wife - nothing I did coming out has worked out. I wrote a very moving speech and rehearsed it. A couple of the people I shared it with cried. I explained my history, confusion, self-deception, my longtime misery and everything. It was the plain, unvarnished truth. Four months later, almost to the day, my wife and I are separated. Divorce is a certainty.

For all of my friends and family, more or less the same (but a less personal version of it) speech has worked pretty well. I have only a couple of friends left to tell, and I will do that soon. I sanitized the references to my suicidal tendencies when I told my kids - they don't need to hear that stuff. They are worried enough about me as it is. (Although they have been very accepting.)

It's too soon to say how many of the people in my life I'll keep. I probably won't tell my job for a long time - I don't go into an office, and there probably isn't much they can do to help me, so why risk my job? I'll probably use the same speech, more or less, with my remaining friends, although if nothing else it'll be different because I'll present as female while doing it. Before I always did it in drab. I just can't do that anymore though. Not really.

Anyway, I'm out to a large number of people at this point. Physicians, people I do personal business with, pretty much everyone but a couple of friends, and my job.

Most people I've told reacted similarly:
1. They were shocked that I was trans
2. They were horrified that I was as miserable as I've been over my life.

Of course, many here will opine that obviously my marriage had big problems - so that's why it didn't go so well with my wife. (Obviously this is why splitting up is so painful and agonizing for me and my wife - because we had big problems and couldn't WAIT to bail, right?)

[ErinSassyPants]

Thank you Paula. I'm sorry that it hasn't gone better for you. I hope that there are a few friends who turn out to be good ones and who stick around.

This is not the thread for anyone to talk about problems in someone else's marriage. This is about coming out and I hope that people will respect that and not use this as an opportunity to bring up their thoughts on your marriage.