The Nightmare Never Ends, Does It?

[ameliabee]

Woo. Today marks 23 months since I took my first hrt pill and day 46 post-op. For all intents and purposes, my transition should be over, and yet, I can't help but feel as though it's only now that this whole business is beginning to pick up and entirely liable to get much worse. The things that matter? Yeah, been there, done that. It's the small things that get to you - the death by a thousand cuts, you could say. The few dozen malfeasant hairs that laser didn't kill or happened to sprout up off of hrt stare cruelly back at you in the mirror, requiring tweezers quickly and promising to return to remind you that you're still not there yet. It's the slightly prominent brow ridge and subtly too square chin that don't inhibit passing but still mar your face, ensuring that you'll never be an attractive woman and damning you to subsequent compounding horrors with age. The body hair that never entirely goes away entirely still sneaks up on you and belies everything you are just as much as the **** and balls did. Seeing young women every day who are so pretty and lithe as you skulk around nearing six feet with a body more intended for football, and what's more realizing the lot of them have been handed their figures on a silver platter never knowing the vaguest glimmer of this special hell. Dreading another doctor or anything involving a background check because you're suddenly reminded of years of violence perpetrated by a birth defect and reduced to a mental patient. These are the things that kill you from the inside out, day by day without reprieve.

It's funny, all I wanted for years was SRS, to do what I needed to be as close as I could to being any other normal girl. I now have what I wanted, but it would seem like everything else with transition, my problems have merely fissioned, and the amount of things I seek to have done has ballooned. FFS, BA, lipo, full body laser... Whatever it takes to be physically stunning. I want to cause car accidents because men were staring at me, even if it means going the Nina Arsenault route. Maybe then I might be done, maybe catch something to ease my fate, although nothing will ever change the fundamentally flawed facts of my existence.

[sandra-leigh]

A year or two ago I saw a girl who was obviously not even 10 years old, and yet had breasts larger than anything I am likely to grow. Not that hers were "large", though she was unusually young for them to have developed to that point. For whatever reason, I get flashes of envy when I glance at children who have developed breasts, a feeling of "It isn't fair! I've really worked on mine, and mine will never be as big as that girl who is just starting out!"

My body hair does not happen to come to my mind, except what still grows on my face and neck (I had laser but not electrolisis). Oh, and the notable shrinking hairline on my head. My sister has more arm and leg hair than I do. But some day I will have to start thinking about genital hair

At the moment the only thing preying on my mind to do is breast implants. Anything else will have to wait for more lived experience before I think it a priority.

[Memzy]

Ameliabee....

You're totally preaching to the choir here. My thoughts exactly.

[Emma Beth]

I can understand.

Sandra, in regards to that 10 year old Girl that had rather developed breasts. Pity her with all your heart. I have heard about the hell one that young goes through being that developed that young. My wife didn't develop that young, but she did develop rather quickly and she went through hell with the young boys and even some of the young girls. That 10 yo probably needs someone to be there for her. Kids can be very cruel.

Liz

[bas1985]

I think that as a TS we should put on ourselves some realistic goals and "peace of mind" facts. You acted younger than me and if your avatar is you... than you have much more than I would in future. Of course... life is not fair, as Sandra says, some pre-teen girls are more girlish and apparently happy with their soon-to-be-woman body that it is almost sad. We have to play with our cards, but... also do not cry if this round is not going well. I think that a little bit of Zen here could help, just acceptance and loving of yourself, hair or not, tall or not. Love yourself, dear. The world will return that love.

[CharleneT]

there used to be a user named Kate'sBack and she would have said a LOT about your circumstances . . . I do not have her ability or expertise. I will warn you of one thing though: DO NOT believe that just because you have had some surgeries, that "transition" is over. IT most certainly is not. The good news ? "IT" gets easier and more fun as time moves onward.

Been there, got the T-shirt, been back to home. Life is good. Really

[Kathryn Martin]

Amelia,

now that you have the physical transition is behind you the real transition begins. But Charlene is right in time it will get better and much better...

[Maria in heels]

Amelia...please try to remember that you are just you. Strive for peace with yourself, accept yourself, and don't worry so much about everyone else. You are still on your journey to be yourself, just blossom thru and keep smiling!

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know if the nightmare ever ends. I have lived with it for 50 years most of which I had no hope whatsoever. Now with transition begun there is at least some hope and that is better than before. Better is better and a little better is all some of us will ever get. You will always want more I guess. 23 months isn't all that long. Keep working at it, any improvement is better than none.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Amelia what the folks above are saying is so true.

You just spent years of year life utilizing every bit of emotional and physical resources that you have fixing a problem that you coped with (by utilizing those same resources!!!) for all your prior years....the last 15 years have been a slog to say the least..

Give yourself some time to let your guard down and accept that being the woman that you ARE (Not the fantasy woman you've had in your mind all those years) is going to get to live her life and will learn more about her true self everyday. This is the real transition

ANother point i'd make to you is that post srs blues is incredibly common and you are right in the wheelhouse of when it happens...we can speculate why but I can tell you that I experienced and so have many others...and it just goes away...it may take a bit of time but the feeling you are having right now is going to go away

perhaps some real life problems and issues have been put on the back burner while you achieved everything you've worked for....all the stuff you've let slide, all the things you've had NO time in your brain for....its your REAL LIFE....pretty cool !!!!! but also pretty scary sometimes

[ameliabee]

there used to be a user named Kate'sBack and she would have said a LOT about your circumstances . . . I do not have her ability or expertise. I will warn you of one thimg thouug: DO NOT believe that just because you have had some surgeries, that "transition" is over. IT most certainly is not. The good news ? "IT" gets easier and more fun as tie moves onward.

Been there, got the Tshirt, been back to home. Life is good.

Heh, I miss her being around. She'd have probably torn me a new one over this post.

Wait, Chettawut was giving out T-shirts in the past? All I got was a donut pillow, hello kitty mirror, and set of progressively larger torture instruments!

Amelia,

now that you have the physical transition is behind you the real transition begins. But Charlene is right in time it will get better and much better...

I'm not quite sure it is entirely behind me - I'm going to quote a post from a while back...

i realized that prior to srs, my mind was still going round and round...and having srs, just made it all stop..

It's that sort of thing - I'm still going to keep thinking about all kinds of further surgery until I actually go down that road. SRS was a do or die thing for me, but FFS and such are things I'm probably going to continue to vacillate over indefinitely if I never get them done.

Amelia what the folks above are saying is so true.

You just spent years of year life utilizing every bit of emotional and physical resources that you have fixing a problem that you coped with (by utilizing those same resources!!!) for all your prior years....the last 15 years have been a slog to say the least..

Give yourself some time to let your guard down and accept that being the woman that you ARE (Not the fantasy woman you've had in your mind all those years) is going to get to live her life and will learn more about her true self everyday. This is the real transition

ANother point i'd make to you is that post srs blues is incredibly common and you are right in the wheelhouse of when it happens...we can speculate why but I can tell you that I experienced and so have many others...and it just goes away...it may take a bit of time but the feeling you are having right now is going to go away

perhaps some real life problems and issues have been put on the back burner while you achieved everything you've worked for....all the stuff you've let slide, all the things you've had NO time in your brain for....its your REAL LIFE....pretty cool !!!!! but also pretty scary sometimes

Heh. So what's it like not burning up all those resources?

Our fantasies and dreams partially define who we are though, and to an extent, I am that 'fantasy woman', I'm just not her all the time. 'She' has always been the goal; I've gotten this far, why not keep on chuggin'?

I'm thinking ~6 weeks post-op is when you're mostly recovered and then you begin to revert to how you were before, trying to crank up ye ol' transition machinery but now with a new goal, or the realization that you're done and you've 'beaten the game' and that which has defined you for years must now be let go.

Failed out of grad school courtesy of depression and anxiety issues, now I'm trying to go through actuarial exams. Hopefully I'll land a decent job sooner or later...



Thanks for your posts, everyone.

[sandra-leigh]

Sandra, in regards to that 10 year old Girl that had rather developed breasts. Pity her with all your heart. I have heard about the hell one that young goes through being that developed that young.

It did look as if she was likely to have her own share of problems: it looked to me as if she was headed towards obese if not technically there yet. Following her mother's example.

[CharleneT]

He's still giving out those mirrors ! I adore mine, too cute for words.

Seriously though, there are many women who are your size. Where I work there are 12 people on my shift - 4 are women taller than I am (5'11"). I'm in a medical facility. One of the things that you are learning about is the constant process of comparing yourself to standards of beauty. Women in the USA have a life time of doing this -and- still many go thru the same things you are. Age doesn't seem to help, it hard to avoid those stereotypes. Best bet, try and avoid comparing yourself to the "ideal" that the media puts out there. Put your efforts into healing ( it is going to take awhile, patience is important ) and aligning yourself mentally with the rest of your life. BE joyous, you can now live, learn and love from the right side of the binary. I agree with KB about the idea that a lot of transition is after surgeries and healing. The adjustment to living in a woman's body is not automatic. But, as I mentioned, it is fun.

Charlene
ps those torture devices are important - keep at it - and know it gets lots easier in about a month.

[LeaP]

OMG - a Hello Kitty mirror ... Seriously?

Is the pun intended or is the intent simply to be cute?

[Nicole Erin]

As soon as "there" becomes "here", you will just find another "There" to obsess over.
You already look good, if you cannot be happy with what you have, getting more surgeries isn't gonna fix anything. It might for a while but then you will just find other faults.
Problem with that cycle is sooner or later you will run out of things you can throw money at.

It doesn't hurt to strive for excellence (yeah corny cliche) but you cannot sit around thinking, "I am not Miss America, I am not good enough yet!"

[ameliabee]

He's still giving out those mirrors ! I adore mine, too cute for words.

Seriously though, there are many women who are your size. Where I work there are 12 people on my shift - 4 are women taller than I am (5'11"). I'm in a medical facility. One of the things that you are learning about is the constant process of comparing yourself to standards of beauty. Women in the USA have a life time of doing this -and- still many go thru the same things you are. Age doesn't seem to help, it hard to avoid those stereotypes. Best bet, try and avoid comparing yourself to the "ideal" that the media puts out there. Put your efforts into healing ( it is going to take awhile, patience is important ) and aligning yourself mentally with the rest of your life. BE joyous, you can now live, learn and love from the right side of the binary. I agree with KB about the idea that a lot of transition is after surgeries and healing. The adjustment to living in a woman's body is not automatic. But, as I mentioned, it is fun.

Charlene
ps those torture devices are important - keep at it - and know it gets lots easier in about a month.

Yep. Mine's white, another girl's was mint green. Wish the donut pillows came in something more tasteful than hot pink, but you can't have everything.

I'm 5'11" too - don't mind being tall, don't mind being a curvier girl, but I want to be the best possible version of me. It's not like these issues are new either - I've been having issues with beauty standards ever since passing ceased to be a concern.

Remind me again why I went to the guy who insists upon two hours every day for the first year? Oh right, he's the cheapest of the top tier surgeons...

As soon as "there" becomes "here", you will just find another "There" to obsess over.
You already look good, if you cannot be happy with what you have, getting more surgeries isn't gonna fix anything. It might for a while but then you will just find other faults.
Problem with that cycle is sooner or later you will run out of things you can throw money at.

It doesn't hurt to strive for excellence (yeah corny cliche) but you cannot sit around thinking, "I am not Miss America, I am not good enough yet!"

Heh, too much plastic surgery and you become plastic. No thank you, don't think there's that much that needs to be fixed.

[Jorja]

Ameliabee,
So how much longer are you going to let your past existence rule your life? Wake up and smell the roses girl! You should be up dancing in the streets. You have a second chance in life that very few people will ever get. Accept your faults and move on toward learning how to correct those faults or at least mask them over so they are not obvious. Get up off your behind and quit crying about how bad you have it and do something to change how you feel. Success is right in front of you, all you have to do is push yourself for it. It is a funny thing this thing we call life...... ain't nobody just going to hand you success.

[CharleneT]

Success is right in front of you, all you have to do is push yourself for it. It is a funny thing this thing we call life...... ain't nobody just going to hand you success.

Amen !!

OMG - a Hello Kitty mirror ... Seriously?

Is the pun intended or is the intent simply to be cute?

Absolutely ! One thing I think is often overlooked . . . the Thai folks have a GREAT sense of humor. Really - in every aspect of their day to day life, they look for humor. THAT is one of the many reasons I adore Thailand !!

Oh, the pun, the joke are both very "intended" by Dr. Chettawut and his staff --- who are wonderful. Sigh, I miss those folks

ps my mirror is white