The topic of people questioning themselves anew after starting HRT came up as a side discussion in another thread. I thought I would start a new thread to focus on the topic.
People have been questioning the questioners! Fair enough. Some actually are not transsexual, should never have started HRT, and will ultimately stop and take another path. Frankly, the path tends to be self-correcting anyway and I'm not overly concerned for people's long-term well-being. Many transsexuals wind up in this questioning phase, though. At a minimum, all will have WTF moments. The phenomenon is widely misunderstood and little-discussed in depth.
It starts with normalcy. The sense of normalcy on hormones is incredible. It's hard for me to stress that enough. I've compared it to waking up after decades. I've compared to a return to my sense of self in childhood. These aren't just poetic or literary metaphors and aren't exaggerations. These are things I feel very strongly.
But with such normalcy often comes a renewal of questioning. You will see frequent references to people who are post-HRT start and pre-op, their WTF moments and their confusion and angst. I had quite a time working through it.
It reduces to this: You come to a certain point of self-realization and desperation where you realize you must start hormones. You think you have reached clarity at that point, but in fact your thinking is still rooted in its old patterns, if not crisis-driven besides. One cannot experience renewal before it happens! The post-HRT calm introduces a normal and proper state of mind. The problem is that you have no experience in processing your thinking and feelings in this state. Am I cured? Is it enough? Am I even trans? Was I wrong? I must be crazy! "Oh F***"!
If you give yourself enough time, there is a shift. While not living who you are creates incredible trauma, experiencing a true sense of your self though living in a normal state are turns out to be quite subtle. When it happens, you start feeling the dismay of the core problem (congruence), a deep, inward pull toward transition starts, and your vision shifts away from the pain and fear toward the future.
What is required to get to this point is to shut up, live for a while, and listen to what your heart and body are telling you. The emotions I have when I do are almost indescribable. I have discovered – to my surprise – love and happiness in and for myself. An aching, longing to be whole. Optimism bordering on euphoria… this coming from someone who has spent life immersed in sarcasm and cynicism. The urge to touch and connect – coming from someone profoundly dissociated and socially averse. The sense of being an unfillable vessel, coming from a lifetime of being in the desert and never even knowing I was thirsty. Every bit of it proceeds from recognizing and releasing my female identity, formerly hidden away and protected in my innermost core, the smallest and most delicate thing imaginable, but now suffusing itself into every aspect of my being.
Far from indicating that one is not transsexual, this renewed confusion is a powerful indicator that they have reached a point of calm where things can really start to happen in a positive way. This is the significance of the questioning.
I was genderless and now I am fully gendered. It is an amazing thing to experience. It starts with a still small voice whispering in a new and unfamiliar state.