I want to be normal

[Lorileah]

However normal for me is Lori.

The last month has been a pinnacle for me. Moving forward towards becoming the person I am. Keeping busy with many side things. Business has even picked up. I thought finally things were falling into place. I knew there would be drops and I halfway prepared for them.

Just prior to my last session with my counselor I started full time. Have been going to work now for 20 days (When I say "I" I mean Lori not the other guy). My clients have been supportive. Most are happy for me and tell me I should continue. I have had a few ask where the doctor was when they walked in (it takes a few minutes to see who I am.) One client came in and started crying because she was so happy (side note, this woman could be my sister as I looked at her, she is tall, has the same hair color and she was wearing the same color combination I was when she came in...and her name is the same as mine...eerie huh?). The animals either don't care as long as I have biscuits or they are better. I don't know if this is the aura I present, the clothes, the fact I am more relaxed A couple clients have even come back to say that they felt better about me and that their dogs were happier with me.

So for three weeks...no male at all. I do yard work, I shop, I work, I sleep, I perform. I have had two Cabaret acts (about a month apart). I have done another show (was BEFORE the 21 days and I was male...but I prefer to call it "cross Dressing"). I have performed with two jazz combos (they are talking about adding me...but I have an open invitation when ever they have a show to join them for a few numbers). Things just seemed to be going along at a high plane. I was feeling "normal". It seemed that I was accepted (or at least ignored). I thought I had found "me".

But last night threw me a little and today I have confidence issues. Last night was the second Cabaret show. That wasn't the issue. The problem was that a friend came to see me. A friend who I though was comfortable with "me". After all, she has been supportive and helpful. She gets the right pronouns. She tells me when I have spinach in my teeth. I think of her as a best friend.

She has been honored with a huge award. No money but very prestigious. The banquet is next month. It isn't cheap to go...$100 a plate (or $75/person if you buy a table). That is a lot of Taco Bell. But I was going because...she is a best friend. Last night though she has me reconsidering. She told me she would "prefer" that I came as a guy. I know she has known the guy for a long time. She likes "him" the same a she likes "me". But the request threw me. She knows what I have planned. I have discussed it with her for months now. She knows I am happier as me. Yet she wants "him" at the banquet. I know why, I understand why. But it hurts. I know she doesn't want the freak there. The tall blonde masculine shouldered freak. This is different than the circle of friends who have had time to adjust (mostly). This is the general public (actually not it is a group of activists and politicians). She doesn't want them staring or whispering or pointing at the Amazon tranny.

So I guess I am not as out as I thought. I know that in the grand scheme of things I will never be mistaken for Jennifer Anniston or a model or even the GG behind the counter at Taco Bell (yes I am hungry sorry). I know that the rest of my life I will be made. Very few get to NOT be made. My body can't change enough to be mistaken in all circumstances. In my mind I want to believe my friend is "protecting me". I also know that she does not want to be embarrassed with me. It is her day, she deserves the accolades and award. She has earned it. I had already bought the ticket to go. It is a major inconvenience since it starts at 5:30 (Really? awards at 5:30?) and I have to close the office early to get there. Less inconvenience now that I don't have to get "pretty" which evidently I don't do well anyway. I am debating though about going. An awards banquet honoring people who have done good things for the community...like working toward equal rights, stopping discrimination. And me being there as a parody of who I am. Putting on a mask to hide the freak. The abnormal. I will probably go. I won't stay because I won't be comfortable nor happy.

I don't know when having to pretend stops. When I can be who I want when I want and not have to worry about what others...others I don't even know and really don't care to know...think. I will do it because my friend is important to me. I will do it for the same reason I have done it for almost 58 years...because it is what a guy does.

Addendum. I was supposed to go to a fund raiser today for someone with medical problems. I have the ticket to that too, but since the same people will be there, I am staying home. I just am not sure now that my friends are as comfortable with me as I thought they were. I had every intention to be there, to donate. But I think now they don't want "me" they want my money. Sorry it is a package deal

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know. On the day I go full time the other guy will be officially dead and no one will ever see him again no matter the reason. One of the reasons I am giving it a lot of time is so I will be ready and everyone else can be as well.

[Wildaboutheels]

I feel quite sure Lori, that your friend does not realize just how hurtful her request is to you. And it IS at least possible is it not, that "which" Lori she wants to show up,is not even her choice?

I know you realize that you will never get 100% acceptance from your friends, but it seems to me that you already do have a level of acceptance that many would envy.

[Lorileah]

I know Ellen. Maybe I did rush it a bit. But dividing the time, to me, seemed like it made things more confusing.

I truly feel physically ill over this. Anger, disappointment, sadness. No wonder so many here keep true feelings and emotions hidden.

[Tamara Croft]

Lori, don't go, it's as simple as that. If she can't accept you as Lori, then you don't go as 'him'. You are not him, you are Lori and if she is embarrassed to have you there, which let's face it, that's the real reason, she needs to step up and be a goddamn friend

Tell her, tell her how you feel, tell her how much she has upset you. She can tell you you have crap in your teeth... you can tell her how much she's upset you!

[kimdl93]

You'll go as that other guy and you'll feel some doubts about your accepting friends. Both seem almost given at this point. Would it be out of line for you to tell your friend that this time, because it's her night, you're making one last concession to your old life? And that, in the future, you'll come as yourself, or not at all. I don't know, seems like you at least need to let her know that permanent change is in the winds?

[Angela Campbell]

I wouldn't tell you what to do. That is your decision, but I would discuss it with her especially since she said she "preferred" the guy. Yes this is why we all hide so much of ourselves from everyone. This is what we have to face with a world who cannot understand.

But honestly

"An awards banquet honoring people who have done good things for the community...like working toward equal rights, stopping discrimination. And me being there as a parody of who I am. Putting on a mask to hide the freak."

Is this award even justified?

[Catherine Hopkins]

I agree with Tamara, Lori. Don't go unless it's as Lori.

My wife had transitioned (as in gone full time) about 6 months before her older daughter got married. She went as Gina. There was never any question of her old self being dusted off.

[arbon]

That was really unfair of her to ask that of you. You are letting go of that old identity, you don't want to put that mask back on, it's not you and will only leave you unhappy

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Lori

I know I was asked to do a similar thing. Although I am not full time I always visit this friend as Shelly.

I can say your absolutely correct. This must hurt in a way you never expected. There are some who have went back as there former selves even after transition for family meetings.

All you can do is assess the reasons behind the request and then decide.

[Rianna Humble]

If she hadn't said that she preferred "him" to you, I might have thought that she was saying to go as "him" in a misguided attempt to protect your feelings, but unfortunately she let the cat out of the bag. Is there any way to get your money back on either of these events?

[michelleddg]

Tough stuff indeed, my sympathies. Maybe email her a copy of your post? Hugs, Michelle

[steftoday]

Your friend needs to be made aware just how big a deal it's going to be if you go as him. The only thing you'll have done as him since going full time will be this one event. It's great she's getting a reward and recognition, but she's asked for you to do something that she shouldn't have asked for (I'm assuming she knew you're full time Lori now). I would ask her to reconsider. If she balks, I would decline politely, and give the ticket to someone else.

[Princess Grandpa]

I have no advise to offer. Just a Hug. I'm really sorry! Only you can decide what is best for you. I wish I could help!

Hug
Rita

[FurPus63]

I know it's hard. I think all of us who decide to transition and go full-time have many hard decisions and choices to make. I remember early on needing to make a choice like that myself and I chose to go as my true self. As Paulette. It's hard but to me, I feel that if you have made an committment to live your life as a woman, than that is what you've chosen and to go back on it for any reason is wrong. Go as Lori. You can discuss your feelings with your friend before hand and let her know that you must go as Lori. Lori is who you are now and that's all there is to it. I'm sorry, I can't give any other advice. I need to speak from my heart and that's what my heart says.

You might lose her as a friend. I lost lots of friends and family members as a result of this. It all hurts. All the time, still to this day. However; I know for myself that I need to live my life as Paulette. To me if you go to one event as your old self just to please a friend, sooner or later you'll do it again, and again, and then where will you be?? I really think you should stick to either not attending and writing it off as a financial loss or go as Lori and talk to your friend. Even if your friend said, "no, I want you there as a guy....etc... or I'll get mad at you." You still need to go as your true self. Think about it. Do you want a friend who loves you for who and what you truely are or do you want to continue to please people who really are only thinking of themselves and not you at all. Who are your true friends? This transition will make that perfectly clear.

Paulette

[Inna]

We often ask for tolerance, yet when faced with others asking us to abide by their standard due to circumstances, we get down and feel betrayed. How precious of example Lori, and hearing your resolve, I do see that you quite get it!

Yes, it is as hard for them to accept the new, as it is for us to remain the old.

But one thing I will not agree with, the statement that You shall NEVER be able to overcome your body, and forever will remain a tranny.
There are others who did not give into reality at hand, but walked straight through presumption of failure and arrived on the other side, true, complete, and visually amazing!

Dreams are real, if not for dreams and blind pursuit, non of what mankind had made, would be possible!

[PretzelGirl]

If she is a best friend, then why aren't you speaking to her about it? Does she really know how much this hurts? Is she possibly under the impression that you are going back and forth some still? All I know is that if I am going to be stressed and possible lose one of my best friends, I would rather talk and make sure it is for the right reasons and not for what I thought only to find years later I misinterpreted something.

If it turns out she is having problems bring around you in front of everyone, I am truly sorry. Every friend lost is painful and there is no way to change that.

[Marleena]

"I want to be normal" Ummm.. you already are Lorileah. Your friend is the one with the problem not you. I agree with the others, don't give in to her. Quit being so hard on yourself too. It's time to re-evaluate that friendship.

[GaleWarning]

Lori, you have told many a person on this forum that honesty is the best policy. So speak to your friend and tell her that her bum is big!

Be brutally frank with her about your feelings. If she truly is your friend, she will realise just how much she has offended you, and both of you will be able to attend the function feeling on top of the world.

If not, ...., then she probably doesn't deserve the award.

[Dawn cd]

Is there a chance of choosing a middle way—perhaps slacks and a pretty sweater, along with flats and just a hint of lip color?

[Angela Campbell]

She is not a crossdresser, it has nothing to do with clothes. It is about being Lori

[I Am Paula]

I spent 55 years letting others dictate what I should do, and how I should dress. Now is my time. A friend who said ' I still like you, but only as a guy' is no friend.
Being a hypocrite here, I'm going to a wedding in guy mode next month, out of respect for the wedding couple. Thier day is NOT my coming out party.

[ReineD]

I wouldn't go to your friend's event. I understand if your friend is not wanting to choose her award night to have you come out to everyone, since she has no way of knowing what the outcome will be. But at the same time I'm sure she will understand that you are uncomfortable dressing as a man and you prefer staying at home.

BUT ... next time there is an awards dinner, buy a ticket and plan to go by yourself, no matter who is receiving an award. The politicians and the town's movers and shakers do need to see who you are. And then buy tickets and go by yourself to every fundraiser, every community event, until people are used to seeing you and the general surprise has died down.

If you do this and your friend wins an award again next year, she will not have to be concerned about accompanying someone who is making her grand debut, since it will have been done, and I'm sure that she would love to go with you then.

[Lorileah]

.
Being a hypocrite here, I'm going to a wedding in guy mode next month, out of respect for the wedding couple. Thier day is NOT my coming out party.

It is her day. It is something she really deserves. Right now I will "suck it up" as they say. I don't have to like it. And I will discuss this with her. I have talked to her many times about how I feel around the members of our club and she always says "so? are they important to you?". She is important to me. She was there when my GF died (and my GF and I were there when her son died about 3 months before my GF) so we have shared a lot. She was there when I first came out dressed to the club. I know there is a reason for her now saying she doesn't want Lori there. I suspect she thinks I need the protection from the mean old politicians and embedded macho males of the community. Inside I think she thinks I will be a distraction.

Yes I preach honesty, and I will talk to her about it, But I fear that she will see that as an ultimatum or me forcing my hand so I will wait. She was there last night for my show, one out of 10 who "promised not to miss it" this time the other 9???? I suspect the preseason Broncos won over me (and lost badly to the other team). One has already lamely (and that is a pun and a literal saying) apologized because he went golfing and his feet hurt (sarcasm deleted). The others will say they forgot. Even though 2 nights earlier they said they would be there. So I can't say she doesn't accept me. It still sort of hurts because what will they do in a year after hormones? Two years when I have surgery? I won't be able to switch back and forth. True test of friends. I am so lucky that I have many new friends, from here especially.

Her sister has not purchased a ticket and is notorious for last minute things so I will give her mine. Refunds? Both affairs are charity. I can give up the money for that. After all what would I do with money? Have surgery or something? Thanks for the support everyone.

[Bree Wagner]

Less inconvenience now that I don't have to get "pretty" which evidently I don't do well anyway.

Why isn't there an emoticon of one of these smilies throwing the BS flag? None of that freak talk applies at all. You're who you are and there's nothing freaky about it.

I suspect she thinks I need the protection from the mean old politicians and embedded macho males of the community. Inside I think she thinks I will be a distraction.

If you really feel she's doing this to 'protect' you, you really need to bring it up in your talk that really ins't what you need. Supporting the choices of a good friend is the protection you deserve.

Yes I preach honesty, and I will talk to her about it, But I fear that she will see that as an ultimatum or me forcing my hand so I will wait.

How so? An ultimatum for what? Your hand isn't forced, but your mind was made up about who you are and she knew that.

I am so lucky that I have many new friends, from here especially.

Yeah, you do. Some of us even did come to your show! You deserve better Lori and I sure hope you get it.