I want to be normal

[Sandra]

I wouldn't go and tell her that you're not, then when she asks why I would tell her.

[bas1985]

sometimes even as cis-male or cis-female we have to do compromises. Some are good, some are bad, some are intolerable, that's life. I would say not go, but at the same time I would consider what is the price of not going and also the price which she is asking me. Both are high, and perhaps she is bluffing... but you don't know until you see. Out of metaphor I would say to challenge this friendship going there in drab... but then next time the hand is yours and if she does not understand you can quit a friendship without regret. I hope that this poker analogy does not disturb you (I am negate at poker, I just know the rules but I have no poker face and I can't bluff).

[MysticLady]

Hi Lori

I read your story. If this person is important too you, then I would do as she requests but, I would have a private conversation w/ her later, on your feelings about this. Maybe, she just needs to confronted about her feelings on the matter and let you know exactly what she feels. Just a thought.

BTW............What is Normal?

[Barbara Ella]

Lori, I cannot pretend that I can give advice on this, you have far more insight than i ever will.

My one comment is that YOU ARE NORMAL DEAR!

It is societal reaction and peer pressure that is not normal, and never will be for girls in our position. Yes, that makes us fell that it is we who are not normal because we are not fitting into the "expected role." But it is not you, it is them. Our situation is just so thought provoking and mind bending, that even the closest allies can find themselves stretched to the breaking point over what is right, and what is safe.

Go, or not, please do have the talk and let her know how deeply you felt this.

Barbara

[PortiaHoney]

Ultimately, you know your friend best. The best thing you can do is to talk to her. The worst part of pre-transition is all this "should I", "shouldn't I" when you are planning on going somewhere.

As you are able to mostly go "en-femme" to work and to socialise, what is it that is stopping you from making the commitment? I would be asking myself why I would even be considering going in "male" mode?

If you are ok with swinging between genders, just go with what you can live with. You need to ask yourself what your motives or intentions are.

I am sure you are doing just that. Good luck with whatever path you decide. I hope the evening turns out for the best. It is times like this that test our resolve on what we think we truly want. That's not quite right - it's about what we truly "need".

[Di]

Lori, I read this earlier and my FIRST thought was.....you are like me and prob would do as she asks being the caring friend you ARE.

BUT the more I think about it....the madder I get

As a friend she should NEVER ask this of you.
Must be she wants to get it.......but does not really get it.....

So I think I would gracefully bow out.....and as Sandra said when she asks why I would explain it to her.

[Patty B.]

That has a sting to it but ReineD as always has good advice, but it's still up to you.

[FurPus63]

I'm mad too. I read your post below and it sounds like you're going to go and heed her wishes. I think it's aweful for two friends to be pulled apart this way. Being trans sucks sometimes!!! However; I would never ever go back to living a lie as a man. I can't do it, not even for a day. I love being a woman and presenting myself as such. I'm so sad for you and your friend.

Paulette

[Lorileah]

Just an update: Last night was the awards banquet. I went as a male. I have to say I looked good too (it was planned and probably very diva of me so that certain women could see what they should have had...OK I am vindictive). But as with every awards banquet I have ever been too, it was 2 hours out of my life I will never get back. I actually was thinking of all the things I could have been doing...including cleaning the house, doing repairs, slamming my hand in a car door...twice. I hate these things. Hours of patting themselves on the back for all the kind hings they are doing "for no reward". Seems like when you do a good deed, you should be happy to have done it. Yes I like the commendations and the accolades, I am human,. It feels good to be acknowledged. But a simple "Ya dun good" works. I have decided that if I ever get an award (yeah right) I am going to do what a famous sex researcher did when asked to give a speech on sex. He stood before the crowd, cleared his throat and said "It gives me great pleasure" and then sat down. Mine will be more like " Thank you every one who made this possible, you know who you are and I will speak to you each personally sometime. I am humbled and flattered. Thank you again very much. Now back to your rubber chicken dinner."

So, I was there eating 20$ tacos (that's what it worked out to...and you know there isn't an elegant way to eat tacos) and thinking "wow, these people think a lot about themselves". OK I get this is their annual dinner...and yes they do good things (Scholarships for one). But a phrase kept coming up. "Equal Rights". They were working toward equal rights...for the group they were involved in. Two said equal rights for all minorities. That was the snapping point. There I was, being "asked" to not go as Lori, listening to a bunch of people rail on equal rights and me thinking "what would they have done if I did go as me?" Many would have been unhappy. A few actually angry. Hypocritical. When one says equal rights for all, shouldn't that mean all?

I sat there the whole evening feeling out of place. I was being someone I wasn't to fulfill the desires of others. Yes, I would have stood out. I would have drawn attention to me and that is the reason I didn't dress. It was Dianne's night, it wasn't mine. I would have been the "did you see the tranny?" afterwards. I didn't want to go but it was Dianne's night and I am her friend....so I made a choice. Won't happen again, I will stay home if that is the choice. It also bothered me from the beginning that on top of the fee to go there (it was 100$ a person, 75$ if you bought a table of 10) they begged money from the time you walked in the door, auctioning stuff, having raffles (Bronco tickets...not in my lifetime.) and just plain "gimme money". I think I picked the wrong profession.

I did my good deed. I was there for a friend. But I still can't get over the "Equal Rights for All" and there wasn't a TG person visible in the place.

[Maslow's Mum]

Lorileah, this is your mother speaking.......repeat after me....
I AM NOT A FREAK! I AM NOT A FREAK! I AM NOT A FREAK!
Frankly, girl, you sound to me to be about the most NORMAL person in that room....whatever the hell normal is!
What is that old saying ?'those that matter won't care and those that care don't matter."
Just be YOU...you're the only person who knows how!
Hugs
Mum

[LeaP]

I did my good deed. I was there for a friend. But I still can't get over the "Equal Rights for All" and there wasn't a TG person visible in the place.

I get it. You get it. Others? Not so much. As long as others view us as exercising some weird lifestyle choice, it's not going to change. Also, people advocate for rights on behalf of those with whom they sympathize. The medicalization and sexualization of transsexuals doesn't play to the meme, despite the realities (about which they are unaware anyway).

[Chickhe]

I wonder if you are being too hard on yourself and too critical of the people around you? Yes, it is insulting and hurtful to be told what you were told, but on the other hand you are brand new at it...so maybe what people are saying, is that you are not confident enough yet, maybe not polished enough that they still see the old you.

As an example, I had a friend who's wife was always complaining, she was over weight, never did exercise, no confidence, never worked after university. Then one day she decided to change....she lost weight, got a makeover, got a job, became confident... they got divorced too. She is a different person now, even her ex husband said so. She looks a lot different and is being successful in her new 'life' and its believable. So, my suggestion is...move out of your default comfort zone....go get a makeover, not a male to female makeover....go get a female to career female makeover...get a more modern look...do something like they do on that 'what not to wear' show. Then your friends will see the new you instead of what they have seen for years and they will believe you are serious.

[Lorileah]

people advocate for rights on behalf of those with whom they sympathize. The medicalization and sexualization of transsexuals doesn't play to the meme, despite the realities (about which they are unaware anyway).

So true. I know that forever and ever there will be huge "tells" about me. Things that all the medicine and surgery in the world cannot change. I know this, but I have to go places, I cannot switch at will and this would have been a perfect opportunity to do that. The group is one that is very strongly anchored in "old" customs. Unfortunately for me one of those is the religious feelings on gay and TG people. I know why I was asked not to present as "me". I know. I would have just rather have been told to stay away. I was very uncomfortable there.

I wonder if you are being too hard on yourself and too critical of the people around you?

Yes, absolutely.

not confident enough yet, maybe not polished enough that they still see the old you.

My friends I can understand that. And to be fair, the rest of the people there were not given the opportunity to make their own decisions (something I say about CDs here...let the SO make their own decision), so maybe in the grand scheme the majority would have said "hey we support TGs"?

So, my suggestion is...move out of your default comfort zone....

Thank you for that but I am comfortable in most situations. I am probably too comfortable, expecting that I will be treated like any other person.

go get a makeover, ...go get a female to career female makeover...

Not sure what that means. My daily make up is very conservative. The pictures you see are glam

Then your friends will see the new you instead of what they have seen for years and they will believe you are serious.

. They have seen the new me, for the last 8 months. Several complain that they don't see the old me anymore and I should come back. It is hard trying to keep old friends and move to a new life. I imagine it is that way with any change...looks, job..romance. I have several male friends who insist on calling me "he" or "my man". I have grown used to that but I don't like it. They do still think that what I am doing is a game, a lark, something that will pass.