Respectfully curious

[JamieG]

Hi Liz. I like your idea for the character. I think the first thing you should realize is that most CDer's don't know why they do it. However, this doesn't necessarily mean it's a compulsion. Why does anyone like what they like and not like other things? As I am a somewhat logical person, not understanding is frustrating, but I find that I am happier if I just accept it for what it is. I enjoy the ability to completely change my appearance, I like the feel of women's clothes, I like being able to let my guard down and not have to project the image that is expected of a typical male. If I don't have an opportunity to do dress, I get stressed. BTW, I am hetero and happily married with two lovely children. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have.

[Phoebe Reece]

Liz, there is one movie out there that mostly gets it right and paints a positive picture of a heterosexual crossdresser. That movie is the 1992 "Just Like A Woman" with Adrian and Julie Waters. It is set in the UK and has a fairly realistic depiction of crossdressing. The ending of the movie is not particularly realistic, but is positive and very entertaining. You might want to try and find out where the writers of that did their research.

The question of why we crossdress will probably be debated forever. You are not going to find one definative answer to it. Many of us believe that we are born with a need to crossdress. Some have a much higher need than others. While some are happy with crossdressing once every few months, some need to do it every day. For a lot of us, crossdressing is more of an intense hobby than a lifestyle. You might do well in your writing to simply treat your character's crossdressing as simply something he does and not try to find a motive for it. After all, would you try to find a motive for an avid golfer that is out on the links every chance he gets?

[AmyGaleRT]

Liz, it's great that you're trying to do an honest portrayal of a crossdresser in your book! I'm personally of the opinion that there are approximately as many reasons people crossdress as there are crossdressers. My interpretation of myself is that my soul is part-female, and, when I put on "her" clothing, I let that part of myself come to the fore. But my Amy-self is always present, just "in the background" when I'm being male.

- Amy

[PaulaQ]

From some of the threads I've looked at there seems to be a question of is it a compulsion or fetish or just a happy exploration of an alternative gender - and for those answering on the compulsion thread, there seemed to be a common link to OCD - but then, there would be, wouldn't there, because that's what the thread was about.

My opinion is that in general, the difference between a CD and other TG/TS girls is mostly one of the degree to which they suffer from gender dysphoria. Think of the difference between:
- A Type I Diabetic who must start insulin as a child, or perish (This would correspond to a TS person who insists from an early age they are the wrong gender)
- A Type II Diabetic who discovers they must be medicated or suffer SEVERE complications from diabetes (This would correspond to a later transitioning TS girl)
- A Diabetic who can control their disease with diet and exercise (A person who is able to express their gender identity adequately by cross dressing.)

The common element is gender dysphoria - a horrible feeling where your body feels wrong, the world feels wrong, you feel alienated, different - it is unimaginably nasty, and the symptoms of it vary from person to person. Many of the girls I've spoken with here though describe two common elements:
1. They CAN'T stop CD'ing permanently. They simply CAN'T.
2. When they don't CD for a period of time, they report varying degrees of discomfort, ranging from grumpiness and irritability after a few days / weeks - to pretty serious depression. (The more serious the discomfort, the more likely that person is in fact transsexual.)
The fact that cross dressing is very frequently a symptom of girls who are actually transsexual is one of the reasons I believe these are either the same, or very closely related issues. I'm NOT saying that every CD needs to transition - in fact, that would be WRONG for most of the users on this forum.

The best theory I've seen for this is that there is a gender architecture to our mind - a physical structure to it. Sometimes, for some reason, mostly likely in utero, or shortly after birth, for some the architecture of their mind doesn't quite snap to the same gender as their body - ranging from a guy who just cross dresses from time to time, to someone who's gender queer (expresses an indeterminate gender identity), to a transsexual. It is a spectrum.

It is a compulsion, then, because it is a part of your identity, a suppressed part, and it literally will claw it's way out. (For someone who's TS like me, this process can be quite unpleasant, and for some it's fatal, because of suicide.)

Another idea for why this happens, and the source of it, is that during sexual development, some men fall in love (or develop a fetish, if you will) of themselves as an idealized woman. Their sexual desire turns inward in some sense, and they have a sexual fetish to appear as female. (The term for this is Autogynephilia.) The actual theory behind this is mostly dealing with MtF late transitioning TS girls - particularly ones who are attracted sexually to females. BTW - I hate this particular theory by Dr. Blanchard. I think it is complete bullshit. However, it is taken seriously.

There aren't too many theories about CD's, mostly because modern medicine BARELY gives a shit about TS people. (I'd bet a big % of the medical community would love it if we'd just go away - I have heard some VERY unprofessional comments from medical people.) But they have a product to sell us, and there's too many of us, and we just won't go away. So they tolerate us and pretend to try to understand us, with projects that would make real good high school science fair exhibits. Contrast this with the medical / scientific community's view of CD's - they don't care AT ALL about CD's. Some poor guy is distraught because he loses his wife because he's a CD? Meh - she should get over it, lots of guys do it, it's no big deal. (I've heard this from a doctor who was otherwise pretty clueful about gender.)

So perhaps your character can wrestle with the question of just what is going on inside of him? Is he just a CD? Is he TS? Does he accept himself? Can he accept himself?

Oh, I don't think there is a direct link between OCD and cross dressing. The treatments and techniques that help with OCD do not help alleviate the desire to cross dress, nor the negative feelings one gets when they cannot CD.

Understandably there has mostly been a degree of secrecy and shame involved for CD folk - but that's surely largely cultural, isn't it?

You say "largely cultural" like it's no big deal - it is viewed negatively be a big chunk of the population. Sure, some don't care - but many do - and some of the ones who do are people who are in a position to make your life very difficult:
- your spouse
- your boss
- your social peers / coworkers

[TheMissus]

Hi Liz, another wife here You can PM me too if you like, if you want an outside yet inside perspective, if that makes sense. Probably not, lol.

Anyway, like Tamara, I have my own theories on why my H started CD (backed up by counselling with my H) and the female role model wasn't the issue, but it does involve family dynamics.

Also, just letting you know your protagonist doesn't have to suffer gender dysphoria as plenty here never feel unhappy as men. CD is just something unusual they feel compelled to do for an infinite number of reasons that no one can agree on, lol. So he CAN be a masculine character with a twist. But you're the writer and only you will know if having him become a woman is a good idea.

Interesting topic choice though. Personally I've never seen my H's 'hobby' as something I'd like to read about but that's because I live it and it's harder than people think. I hope your book helps dispel some of the stigma that makes it so hard for CD and spouses alike.

You might do well in your writing to simply treat your character's crossdressing as simply something he does and not try to find a motive for it. After all, would you try to find a motive for an avid golfer that is out on the links every chance he gets?

After years of writing study myself, unfortunately, unless you're Stephen King they're gonna wanna know WHY your protagonist does what he does. 'Just coz' doesn't usually cut it. So it's up to Liz to decide which of the gazillion reasons for CD best suits her reader. For me, as a female, I'd take the least complicated that messed the least with the protagonist's sex appeal. But that's because I'm coming off the back of 'Fifty Shades of Grey', haha.

[Sabrina133]

Hi Liz, we'll am not from your side of the pond but an American cousin. Ive been CDing since i was 10 or 12 and knew i liked girl clothes way before then. I'd be happy to answer your questions as well.

[Lizwriter]

Hi all - I just wrote a really long post replying to each of your individual contributions to this thread, but somehow it didn't post and I wasn't logged on any more. Maybe there's a time limit on it. Is there a way I can retrieve it? I am a techno-fail. Long and short of it was THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your generosity and taking the time to help me out. I will definitely take some of you up on PMing when I'm allowed, if that's okay. So annoyed my longer post disappeared! xxxx

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

Hi folks - I am a straight, married female writer and am writing a character who is male CD, hetero and single about 33yrs. British, and 'happy' on the surface, but complex underneath...and partly as a consequence of his cross dressing/gender identity, is an acutely intuitive thinker 'out of the box' - hence making him a great detective. I've been online trying to research for my character, but it seems to me, after trawling the www, that CD is the poor cousin of other transgender situations. I really want to find out what makes my character tick; what might be at the root of his CD, and what it says about him. Of course I realise there won't be one single answer to this, but I don't want to just make up what a straight woman might perceive as a 'reason' or set of reasons for CD behaviours and - I hesitate to say 'compulsions', and I'd really be honoured if some of you might answer some direct questions. My questions are all totally out of respect and in pursuit of understanding and empathising with my character, who I do not want to be accused of being a stereotype. Would this be okay? Am I on the right forum? I did have a look at the writers' forum, but it seemed more for creatives rather than research. I am British and UK based, btw - though it seems most of your are from the US. But this site does seem the most CD friendly that I've found, as opposed to cross dressing as a step on the way to gender reassignment. Any advice would be very much appreciated, so... may I ask some quesions? Liz

Liz;
I would love to answer any and all questions that you have or can think of. No question is out-of-bounds. Just take in to account that I'm 59 years old, was ex-special forces, a high voltage electrician, a teacher, and am now a watercolor artist. I have a B.S. degree in Art Restoration, 3 Master degrees in Education, Celestial Mechanics & Medical Archeology pertaining to the Meso-America period, and a Ph.D. in Physics. My email address is: wymer96@gmail.com
As always;
Phylis

P.S. Attached is my watercolor of Yosemite to show you some of my talents and capabilities.

[jenni_xx]

Hi Liz

I have found that when creating a long post, if you do get logged out, then using the "left facing arrow" in your tool bar will take you back to your post. Then copy and paste your post (highlight all the text, then press "ctrl" and "C", log back in, go back to the thread, click on reply, and press "ctrl" and "V"). Either that, or before posting your reply, use the copy and paste function that way.

You may also be able to retrieve your post by using the left facing arrow in your tool-bar, several times until you get back to the post that you lost.

[Lizwriter]

Wow - Phylis - that must have been some challenge for you in your I imagine pretty Alpha male career! Thanks for offering to share. Are you hetero? Did/do you have an SO? Do they know? When did you 'come out', if at all? Do you think your CDing makes you more insightful and perceptive about other people? Don't worry if that's too many questions, but you did offer - and this sure beats Linkedin! x

Hi Jenni - I tried that in the first instance, but it was nowhere to be seen. Real bummer because it took me over an hour, and was to everyone that had helped me out, who all gave something different. Anyway, thanks for advice. I'm clocking up my posts, so will hopefully be able to respond personally soon to those who offered. x

[paulinescotlandcd]

Hi, you are welcome to contact me, just a very average hetro, married for 34 years this September, CD'er who investigates certain matters for a living I am based at home here in sunny Scotland. I can't send you a message but you can always drop me an email paulinescotlandcd@yahoo.co.uk

[Lizwriter]

Hi Pauline - thanks for that.
Moderator Sandra - apologies for mulitiposting - didn't realise I was doing it, was just replying. I am new to this and have read the FAQ pages, but can't work out what it means re: replying to multiple posts - have tried the 'reply with quote', but it's all funny symbols, so I write a multiple post this morning, merged to reply to all those who had been kind enough to help me out - but I lost it since it seemingly took to long. I don't want to take up valuable forum space on technicalities, so tried to find a way I could contact you direct. Can you help please?

[MysticLady]

Don't worry Liz, I get chewed out all the time for stuff. I'm surprised they haven't pushed the "red button" on me yet.. It's just complicated for my simple mind, sometimes. You'll learn, don't worry.

[Di]

When you log in click the remember me as it will not time you out.

At the bottom of the post there is a multi quote icon at the bottom of each persons post click on it.

And shortly after having 10 posts you can pm

[Lizwriter]

Thanks Di - when I click the reply with quote, I don't get how to use it, it's just your post with some strange symbols (and me, a writer...!).
And thanks Mysticlady (or Victoria? - I prefer Mystic!). I guess you're just not allowed to reply to each post individually one at a time (as you do with emails) without someone posting in between, is that right? I don't do Facebook or any social networking, (not least due to malevolant ex husband) so am pretty bad at the stuff that most people are used to. xx

[jenni_xx]

Hi Liz

It's really just a case of getting used to the site. The moderators (Tamara, Lori, Di, etc) work really hard at keeping the site as concise and regulated as possible, and their work is really appreciated. At times it can come across as though they are "disciplining" us, but the reasons for moderating the site are sound. The way I see it, for example in regards to creating several consecutive messages. the thinking behind stopping us doing this is to stop people from both clogging up the site, as well as making threads appear more popular than they actually are (whenever a poster replies to a thread, that thread moves to the top of the board. Thus, by not allowing people to respond numerous times in succession (which can otherwise be known as "bumping" threads so that they appear more popular), it means that other (recently created) threads don't fall by the wayside.

Trust me, we were all new members once. And all fell foul of the rules and regulations of the forum. But it's a great place, and the moderators do a fantastic job. It's just a case of learning the rules of the place and respecting them. I'm not the most frequent of contributors to this board, so I still make mistakes which fall foul of the regulations. But when I do, I just remember that the moderators are trying to keep the place flowing, keep the place respectful, and keep the site running smoothly.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Thanks Di - when I click the reply with quote, I don't get how to use it, it's just your post with some strange symbols (and me, a writer...!).
And thanks Mysticlady (or Victoria? - I prefer Mystic!). I guess you're just not allowed to reply to each post individually one at a time (as you do with emails) without someone posting in between, is that right? I don't do Facebook or any social networking, (not least due to malevolant ex husband) so am pretty bad at the stuff that most people are used to. xx

Liz, the funny symbols should be QUOTE-then your name, and a number to identify your post, then at the end, another QUOTE. Both of those are in square brackets, this tells the system which bits to put in a different format to show what’s being quoted, and separate it from your reply. Try it, add some text, then click "go advanced" and it will show how it will look. After more editing, you can click on "preview" to see how it looks.

For really long replies, do a cut and paste into another program, one that can save as text, ( not word format or other complicated stuff ) then you can cut and paste back later.

The multi quote thing I hadn't noticed before, it's the little " to the right of the other reply with quote button. Hadn't spotted that one before, so not sure how that operates.

[Tamara Croft]

You don't click reply with quote to quote all the posts you want to quote You click the little icon next to it, it will highlight it, you do that with all the posts you want to quote then click reply with quote on one of the posts and it will put them all in the reply box. Once you've answered them, you can delete the quote bits Best thing you can do, is go in the help forum, create a thread and I'll come and reply to you etc... and then you can play about with the quote in there, just put in your thread I've said it's ok

You know, there is an FAQ that explains how it all works

The multi quote thing I hadn't noticed before, it's the little " to the right of the other reply with quote button. Hadn't spotted that one before, so not sure how that operates.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...aq_vb3_posting

[UNDERDRESSER]

You are allowed to reply to each message individually, but that's where the quote comes in, it allows people to understand what you're replying to, otherwise another message that comes in can confuse people to what you're replying to. The posts are displayed in the order the system receives them. It's not "threaded" to use a technical term.

[Tamara Croft]

Instead of using the quote, you can simply reply to them using their name UNDERDRESSER, you don't have to quote the whole post for sometimes one line of text You can even link a name to their profile like this: -

[USER="UNDERDRESSER"]UNDERDRESSER[/USER]

to look like this: -

UNDERDRESSER

End lesson lol

[xdressed]

Hey Liz don't know if you've seen but I wrote a long reply to your questions. It's the last post on the first page always an easy one to miss lol

[Lizwriter]

Thanks everyone - I will play around with it and hopefully learn properly how it works. Jenni - I totally agree re: moderators - I'm so much more comfortable knowing they're looking after everyone and blocking any idiots. Ria - I'm gutted I lost my post from earlier (it took me nearly 2 hrs to write. and timed out on me!), I was replying to all who had been so generous, taking the time to answer my post - especially you, Jenni and Paula, who had really dug deep and shared such personal testimonials. I love the colour you give to your young, developing self - the hard rock, heavy metal thing - and one of the questions I had posted at the end of my vanishing post was - did anyone else have a kind of 'thing' (style, music, niche) that they specifically identify with being part of their life and feeling somewhat of an outsider? I would really like to be able to PM you and a few others when I'm eligible if that's ok. Many thanks again, everyone's so lovely and giving on this website I could easily lose a good few weeks just listening! xx

[xdressed]

Oh no, that really sucks. I've never heard of a post timing out or anything on this forum but I've had similar things happen on different ones. Can you not use PM's until you get a certain number of posts then? I'll PM you my email address if that's easier ^_^

[Barbra P]

Hi Liz

Having also lost postings on forums that I was still in the process of writing, I stopped composing my replies on the forums themselves. I now write my replies in Word and copy and paste when the reply is finished. Not only do I avoid possible time outs or log offs; I get a better spell-checker, even a grammar check.

[MatildaJ.]

Though I use a woman's name and try (fairly successfully) to move elegantly, I do not think of myself as woman when out dressed, nor am I transgender. I regard myself as a gender tourist.

I love that phrase "gender tourist"! I'll ask my husband if that sounds like him.

I now write my replies in Word and copy and paste when the reply is finished.

I do that if my posts are starting to get beyond a couple of sentences. Now it's mostly superstitious -- if I don't do that, then I worry that the computer will crash any second.