What if your SO was a FtM crossdresser

[Sometimes Steffi]

In therapy last week, my therapist tried to get me to think about crossdressing from my wife's perspective.

She asked me how would I feel if my wife developed an interest in FtM crossdressing. Yeah, I know that women can wear just about any men's clothes with out being a crossdresser. But her scenario was different. She said suppose my wife wanted to wear tighty whities, was "packing", I think is the correct term, (i.e., wearung some kind of prosthetic to visually enhance the size of her "package"), was binding her breasts, and wearing something to simulate beard growth.

Anyhow, I was kind of at a loss for words. Help me wrap my mind around this, please.

[Lorileah]

and??? how do you feel about that? Would you look in the mirror and say...good for me good for her or would you be a hypocrite? You are the one who has to walk that path grasshopper. I can say this has been discussed several times and there are those here who say they would leave...some of them were in the middle of being left at the time. In my mind if you are TG and you have a spouse who wanted to dress (or transition or whatever) you should at least respect them for it. If you could not accept it...there's always a door you can walk out of

[Launa]

Hey if she didn't want to do it full time then so what? I would let her do it in a second flat.

[ReineD]

Echo Lori. Only you can look into your heart to see how you would feel about being in an intimate relationship with a woman who packs & binds, who cuts her hair man-style, who lets her leg & underarm hair grow and who glues on facial and chest hair. Oh, and she'd likely walk like a guy, work on deepening her voice, develop male interests and drop any feminine mindset and interests while she is dressed.

[giuseppina]

I like to think I am open-minded to anything that is not illegal, unsafe, or unethical. That doesn`t meet any of the three tests, Steffi.

That doesn`t mean I wouldn`t have a bit of trouble with it, as I would with tying her up. Done properly, bondage is an exercise in honest communication and unconditional trust, but if it`s done wrong, it can be absolutely devastating and result in a trip to jail (forcible confinement) in the extreme case.

[KateSpade83]

I wouldn't like a wife who wants to be a man FT. I'd only accept FTM crossdressing during role reversal play / sex. I want a feminine woman!

[whowhatwhen]

Sounds like fun IMHO.

[Emjay]

I feel like we should "get it" more than anyone else if a spouse/S.O. wanted or needed to present as male in order to feel complete. That is what we do right?

Personally I would support my S.O. 100% if she wanted to present as male, she is 100% supportive of me. Admittedly, it wouldn't be my first choice for her but it's her life and her body, if that's what she needed then so be it. I would still love her for the person she is.

[MissTee]

If she were wanting to transition I would not like it at all. If she were simply wanting to cross dress I wouldn't care. Heck, on the days she wanted to wear the pants I'd be wearing the dress.

[Sallee]

I guess it depends I agree if not, you are a hypocrite. I don't know what my reaction would be

Now I think that would be fun

[LilSissyStevie]

A psychiatrist once said that I was a "latent homosexual" so this would give me a chance to cross the threshold, so to speak. Now I'm wondering what he's packing!!

[Laura28]

I would be fine with it, we have role played it before and it was fun she likes the feeling of power but isnt really interested in presenting as a man but it is a fun role play.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

When I came out to my wife, the floodgates opened for her to explore repressed kinks. One of those was role reversal with...ahem...appendages. I was surprised and pleased one night when she was dressed in a beautiful matching bra & panty set, thigh highs, stilettos, and a silk robe...and guess what was in her panties? The appendage. But everything else was feminine about her. If she bound her breasts, wore a short wig, and a false mustache/beard, I would be OK with it, because she would still look all woman. It's the same in reverse. While shaving, hose and heels make my legs look sort of like a woman's, the rest of me is man, and that would not change if I wore makeup or a wig. I suppose that's the essence of fetishistic CD and role play. She seems OK with that extent, so I would be too. It would probably change if either one of us really made the effort to alter our appearance permanently, plainly evident in "drab" mode. As unlikely as that scenario is in our case, I love my wife and like to think I would support her. If she were that courageous, I'd probably join her in transition, but in the other direction.

But that only happens in the movies or Fictionmania stories, right? We'd both assume the other gender (though she would be a really skinny, shorter guy and I would look like a female powerlifter) and we could have another wedding with her in the tux and me in the dress, and we'd live happily ever after with her as my husband, and me as her wife. Yeah, then I woke up. Reality would be a hell of a lot harder. And would confuse our kids. So I'll just wear hose and heels from time to time and let her have her fun, too.

[Jenniferathome]

...Anyhow, I was kind of at a loss for words. Help me wrap my mind around this, please.

THAT is EXACTLY what your wife is thinking. I'm surprised you have not considered this. I know I would not be as understanding as my wife is. Sad but true.

[Di]

I was hoping I would see more saying things along the line of-

I would support him 100 percent
I would help with voice training and walking like a guy as so to pass.
Shop with him to get proper guy clothes
Bring home small gifts like a guys watch ,mens cologne ect to show I support him
Talk together who he would come out to
Go out together doing guy things
Be fine with how often he needs to present as male
Love and support him/her no matter what gender they present.

This is more or less the support you would want from your spouse-why should it be any different if the shoe was on the other foot?

[Tracii G]

100% support if that happened to me I totally understand it.
You can whip your out and she can take her's off whats the problem?

[DebbieL]

In therapy last week, my therapist tried to get me to think about crossdressing from my wife's perspective.
She asked me how would I feel if my wife developed an interest in FtM crossdressing.

This is really important. Keep in mind that if you have been presenting yourself as very masculine, very aggressive, and very "male", this is what your wife was attracted to. She may have even found it frustrating at time, but she liked having her "real man" and worked hard to protect your male ego.

If you chose your wife because she was overly feminine, wearing dresses, heels, and tops that appeal to you, and worked to maintain a nice slim waist, firm bust, and tight butt, and then she suddenly told you that from now on she would be wearing baggy cords, baggy flannel shirts, a sports bra that would flatten and minimize her breasts, and started wearing your dirty underwear and sweat socks because she wanted to "smell like a man", it would be disruptive at best.

You need to consider how you presented yourself during the courtship and marriage prior to your disclosure. If you were already effeminate, most people assumed that you were gay, you had lots of female friends who were just friends, and you liked to cook, do laundry, and didn't have a problem washing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom, then your wife probably already knew you were transgendered but was afraid to threaten your masculinity.

Very often, when living in "stealth mode", we go to sometimes absurd lengths to maintain our "cover" and try to act more "macho" than we really want, or get very defensive when someone suggests that we are a bit feminine. Sometimes, it's obvious that we are transgendered, and yet we will try to convince people that we aren't. Things like "It's not a purse, it's a MAN-BAG", or "It's called MAN-Scaping" or "I'm Metrosexual". Little actions like this scream that we are transgendered, and yet we are terrified that terrible things will happen if anybody finds out.

Often, this gives others, especially wives, a great deal of power. For some of these wives, coming out can be very threatening because it means a sudden loss of power, and may even mean that she may have to change her strategy for getting what she wants entirely.

Yeah, I know that women can wear just about any men's clothes with out being a cross-dresser. But her scenarios was different. She said suppose my wife wanted to wear tighty whities, was "packing", I think is the correct term, (i.e., wearing some kind of prosthetic to visually enhance the size of her "package"), was binding her breasts, and wearing something to simulate beard growth.

Let's add to that things like wearing a really stinky cheap men's after-shave like aqua-velva or old spice? Or talking in a very low bass voice, or gaining 50-60 lbs and wearing construction boots.

Anyhow, I was kind of at a loss for words. Help me wrap my mind around this, please.

In my case, I've been through the experience - several times. My first wife "dressed like a 12 year old boy". Her baggy cords, baggy flannel shirts, buttoned up, b-cup in a sport bra, and thick cotton panties were often deliberately chosen to turn me off. She also had VERY short hair, and often talked in a very low voice. It really didn't bother me that much, and I didn't even mind that she was the dominant partner in the marriage. What I DID resent was that she NEVER took charge in the bedroom. I would have LOVED it if she had tried to seduce me, especially if I was dressed, but in 9 years of marriage, it ONLY happened twice. Both times, she had been drunk to the point of black-out a night or two before, and ended up being pregnant as a result (the only night I could have been the father). I suspect she had had sex with other men prior to those nights, so she HAD to have sex that would make it POSSIBLE that I was the father.

After we got divorced, I found that I was actually VERY attractive to more masculine women. My lovers had much lower voices. My second wife sings Tenor in the church choir. They also like to "Dress Comfortable" which usually means very baggy pants, loose blouses, and flats that are "Very Comfortable". One did like to wear mules with 2 inch heels, even while pregnant, but she also wore jeans most of the time. All of these women were "one of the boys" as kids, and my second wife was even a SERGEANT in the ARMY. A couple of years ago, she had her head shaved for "Saint Baldricks Day", giving her 16 inch long hair to "Locks of Love" - raising about $2000 for children's cancer. She liked the short hear so much that she kept it short for about 4 months, then let it grow out. Last March, she got it buzzed again, but didn't have enough for "Locks of Love". Now she has decided she wants to keep it short all the time.

Sometimes, when I want to get a rise from her, she'll give me an order (request not as a question), and I'll say "OK Sarge", with a big huge old grin. She loves me and I love her. I've loved her when she was size 14 and when she was size 24 or 26. I tell her "I love you just the way you are, and just the way you aren't and there's not a darn thing you can do about it". Her main concern is that she knows that Debbie will NOT be welcome at family events such as Christmas or Thanksgiving, and would not be welcomed by several members of the church she has attended for 28 years. For now, I just wear "Pup Tent" shirts (which she sometimes borrows), and baggy slacks (women's but not obvious). I have always had hips that are too big for men's pants unless I wear a belt and bunch up the waistline. Nobody seems to mind that my shoes have 2 inch heels, or the running shoes have pink trim. The ONLY boys clothes I wear these days are the "pup tent" shirts that are so loose and baggy that they could hide a 40-C padded push-up bra. They almost hide my wife's 44D bra.

If you were to transition, you would find out, first hand, how how hard your wife works to maintain her figure, to stay healthy, and to be desirable. Wear some really intense shape-wear for a full 18 hours, and you will begin to appreciate what some women go through to maintain their appearance.

If you want your wife to love you unconditionally, including your dressing, then you must love her unconditionally. Love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment that expresses itself in the forms chosen by the person you choose to love. If she asks you to take out the trash, you need to think "yes, that's the way she wants me to say 'I love you', and do it like you were giving her a bouquet of flowers. If you really want her to love you dressed, find out what her 5 least favorite chores, the ones she really wants you to do or just hates doing, and then do ALL of them, while dressed as a maid. You can change back before she gets home, then tell her what you did as "The maid". She'll be begging you to "get dressed" before long.

The flip side is "expect nothing, be grateful for everything". If you do something remarkable, and she doesn't reward you the way you'd like to be rewarded, you do NOT have the right to be upset. You have a commitment to love her unconditionally, which means you will be grateful for ANY attempt to express gratitude.

Do that for 6 months to a year and she will be ASKING you to "get dressed".

[Lynn Marie]

Turning our actions around is a very common and effective psychological technique. It can really help open your eyes.

[Beverley Sims]

To those in therapy here, that is a favorite leveler by psychiatrists for those that think they have a problem.
Having had my brain scanned to test a machine at a university that I worked at I had many discussions about patients and one of the questions was always a reversal one.
Ie. those with a drinking problem... "What if your wife came home every night drunk and beat the kids up. What would you do then?"

For us on this forum, hypocrisy does reign a little, but you do have to think about it.
Is it fair to push this on to your wife.
When you do, think what I have said.

[Kate Simmons]

I definitely would not have a problem with it. In fact, I had envisioned that very scenario, As far as my ex wife it never would have happened though as she is a real girly girl. My current GF is not a girly girl per se but is still a very feminine person who accepts me for who I am. My wife would never even try to consider accepting me. Even so, if my GF wanted to go FTM, I wouldn't have a problem with it as it's the person I love, not what she is wearing.

[donnalee]

The one thing I know is that when you love someone and are together for a long time (43 years in my case), they always appear as you first saw them, and their looks never change in your eyes; they don't age, they don't gain or lose weight; you always see them as the one you fell in love with and that you still love, and they see you the same way. Photographs become a shock, but you soon learn to ignore them, because they don't reflect your reality.

[candydawn75]

Hey the wife and I have done it. Her in tighty whities and me dressed. It was and is a ton of fun for both. Oddly enough I think her opinion of undies would be the same as most women. She loves mine and think they are comfortable just as I do hers. So I am 100% ok with her exploring it and having fun package and all. You have to figure if you can tuck she can pack!! lol ;p

[Tamara Croft]

I don't think it is hypocrisy, a lot of women aren't supportive of their SO's, so why assume a MTF CD would be supportive if the roles were reversed? I think those saying they'd be 100% for it aren't being truthful, saying and doing is one thing... try living with a CD for a while, then come back and give your honest opinion.

If I were a FTM CD, my partner wouldn't like it, I know this for a fact. Let's be real shall we, you emulate women, you want to be women, you dress like women to get away from your male self... so I don't believe anyone who says they'd be 100% behind it... not a chance. A one night thing is not the same... like I said, try living with it all time.

[MiraM]

I don't think it is hypocrisy, a lot of women aren't supportive of their SO's, so why assume a MTF CD would be supportive if the roles were reversed? I think those saying they'd be 100% for it aren't being truthful, saying and doing is one thing... try living with a CD for a while, then come back and give your honest opinion.

If I were a FTM CD, my partner wouldn't like it, I know this for a fact. Let's be real shall we, you emulate women, you want to be women, you dress like women to get away from your male self... so I don't believe anyone who says they'd be 100% behind it... not a chance. A one night thing is not the same... like I said, try living with it all time.

I do live with it full time. My husband is FTM (no surgeries yet, but all man in my eyes) and I am MTF (no plans for transition, even though I wish it were a possibility)

[Violetgray]

I don't think it is necessarily hypocritical either. If a wife said, "I prefer men, not women" and then her husband said "me too" would it make her hypocritical to not want to be with him?

People are individuals with individual tastes and preferences.

Though personally I wouldn't mind experimenting with a woman who wanted to be the guy!