What if your SO was a FtM crossdresser

[Crissy Kay]

She kind of is. Though its really not her fault, as she has MS and is not able to dress herself. Being in a power chair she has to wear pants anyway. So, I get to wear a dress instead!!

[NicoleScott]

I'd get to dress more often, and we could go out together, appearing as a "normal" couple. People would wonder how such a petite little man could get such a hot babe. haha

[linda allen]

I don't think crossdressers would reply to that question the same way as non-crossdressers.

Since she accepts me dressing as a female, I could hardly object to my wife dressing as a male.

[Sarah Beth]

That was one of the first things my wife said to me all those years ago when she first found out about my dressing. After shouting at me that she married someone who wanted to be a woman, and was some sort of pervert. She wanted to know how I would feel if she wanted to be dress and act like a man. It was one of the things I thought about a lot over time.

Here is the thing, I wouldn't mind if it was something she wanted to try, or to be, because I love her and I want to be with her. At least that's how I think I feel but I can't be certain because its not something she has ever really wanted to give a real try at.

[Dianne S]

If she did it as often as I cross-dress, which is occasionally and nowhere near 24x7, I'd be OK with it.

[Debra Russell]

I have thought about this at length - last week I ask my wife if she would go to the fair with "Debra" , her reply, "and what am I suppose to do, take testosterone, pump up and wear a beard?" I answered, no just be my friend -- no reply. I am not on hormones, just like to emulate women now and then but it's clear- she wants to be with a man - not be one. I can't help how I am - I wouldn't mind roll reversal but not going out in drab as my guy friend - I understand and am thankfull she puts up with me this much......................Debra

[Allison Chaynes]

I'd accept her but I may not be attracted to her. I get it.

[ReineD]

I'd get to dress more often, ...

Thanks for being so honest Nicole. I'm wondering if this is the main reason for all the acceptance.

So a test would be to ask all the people who have answered in the positive if they would be as supportive if they were not CDers ... if there had never been an iota of desire for expressing anything female and if in fact, the expression of the slightest thing feminine was repulsive. Would they then support their wives' cross-gender expression?

[MatildaJ.]

The one thing I know is that when you love someone and are together for a long time (43 years in my case), they always appear as you first saw them, and their looks never change in your eyes; they don't age, they don't gain or lose weight; you always see them as the one you fell in love with and that you still love, and they see you the same way. Photographs become a shock, but you soon learn to ignore them, because they don't reflect your reality.

I love this, but I want to add that I think it's mostly true about gradual changes, putting on weight or going gray. At least for me, sudden changes (such as wearing makeup & a wig) are disruptive and prevent me from seeing my partner as the same person I first met twenty-six years ago.

[Dani0948]

This one really made me think. My initial cut was of course i would be supportive. My second thought was i'm not sure i would like it. Next i thought how hypocritical i was. Finally i realized that no matter what she did , i will always love her.

[NicoleScott]

So a test would be to ask all the people who have answered in the positive if they would be as supportive if they were not CDers ... if there had never been an iota of desire for expressing anything female and if in fact, the expression of the slightest thing feminine was repulsive. Would they then support their wives' cross-gender expression?

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be as supportive, because I wouldn't understand why she would want to crossdress and present as a man. To me, there's a difference in being accepting/supportive and understanding what it's like. It's possible to accept and support without understanding, but understanding sure makes it easier.

[natalialimapoa]

I have been working on an honest anwser to this question.

For while, I think I am highly selfish and hypocritical, since I am definitely not attracted to the male figure and, in the end, we are in a sexual relationship.

[Anna Abwaerts]

I say you can usually tell if this or that woman has a possibility of going masculine. I think I would not end up in a marriage with such woman, hence this surprise transition is out of the question.

But if some girl I had known would start going masculine, I would scratch my chin and say "hmm, interesting". =))

[Dani Lee]

Better question...

What if your SO wanted to be or act more masculine? It isn't the clothes and makeup so much as the femininity.

[Leona]

My wife already is a FTM CD. She wears pants every day... SOMEONE has to wear the pants in this relationship....

More seriously, I really don't care if she wants to man out herself. I think my personal limits for that for her are roughly the same as hers for me, e.g. no hormones. She's already "out-manning" most of the men she works with and the customers she deals with (she works at a sporting goods store)...

Truthfully, I don't care if she's more masculine than I am. It doesn't threaten my self-image in any way at all. It also means she gets pretty kinky when she doesn't feel like she has to fill a female role in bed and can just be herself, so 'tis nothing but a good thing for her to be herself.

[TheMissus]

NAnyhow, I was kind of at a loss for words. Help me wrap my mind around this, please.

I honestly don't understand how you can be at a loss here. What exactly DO you think your wife sees when you CD? Or any GG for that matter. Do you really think we see anything different than what your therapist just described??

We don't. Just sayin'.

EDIT: You know, this did get me thinking about acceptance though and whether women are just more tolerant. Thing is, you can't really use CDing as an example as regardless of what clothing choice women have, we DON'T CD as a rule and as a rule, CD is a male issue.

So I was thinking of some mostly female issues (anorexia, pica) and how accepting spouses are of these difficult issues. A female friend of mine said NO WAY could she live with a man who spent all day eating the sofa yet I watched one of those reality shows where a husband did just that. He lived with a woman who ate rubber tyres ALL DAY LONG. She even served him his dinner of salad and steak while serving herself a plate of rubber pieces!! She did this in public and the families all knew about it. Counselling couldn't stop her.

Did he leave her? Nope. He very sweetly accommodated this strange compulsion into his life and loved her anyway.

I watched another husband live with a woman who ate sofa stuffing, a body building addict and many, many other strange things that women do (pica is definitely a strange one!) So men can be as tolerant of us as we of them, but maybe not of CD because it's not typically a female issue?

I found all this quite interesting to contemplate

[candydawn75]

I don't think it is hypocrisy, a lot of women aren't supportive of their SO's, so why assume a MTF CD would be supportive if the roles were reversed? I think those saying they'd be 100% for it aren't being truthful, saying and doing is one thing... try living with a CD for a while, then come back and give your honest opinion.

If I were a FTM CD, my partner wouldn't like it, I know this for a fact. Let's be real shall we, you emulate women, you want to be women, you dress like women to get away from your male self... so I don't believe anyone who says they'd be 100% behind it... not a chance. A one night thing is not the same... like I said, try living with it all time.

I have to say I don't live as a CD 24-7, but I can say I have dealt with the FTM at times. I have to be honest and say that all I can do is support her. She does it for fun, but I feel deep down she feels the need to get "out". So I enjoy it and embrace it!

[Leona]

EDIT: You know, this did get me thinking about acceptance though and whether women are just more tolerant. Thing is, you can't really use CDing as an example as regardless of what clothing choice women have, we DON'T CD as a rule and as a rule, CD is a male issue.

I think CDing as we do it here is mostly a male issue because society accepts women that show a more masculine side.

What about some of the other things associate with it? Shaving legs, daily face treatments, eyebrow plucking, etc.

What if your GG stopped doing that, or didn't do it very often? What if she was quite masculine in how she took care of her body? To me, that's where the real FTM stuff starts, and it's definitely where my wife is on the border, even if she's still firmly a woman. She still definitely approaches the border. She can fix things when I can't (which isn't often, but there's lots of things I can fix that she can't, but I've spent quite a few years doing that professionally), which is generally out-manning the man around. I ask her to open jar lids when I struggle, and she usually pulls it off just fine, etc. She put on pants today because she didn't want people to see that it's been so long since she shaved her legs. She wears tank tops without shaving her pits (but usually tries not to leave the house like that and appreciates it when I point it out, even if she still doesn't change her shirt). She has a beard/mustache. They're a lot thinner than mine, of course, and she usually keeps the whole thing plucked, but sometimes, she just doesn't care enough. She almost never wears makeup, and usually I'm putting it on her face when she does (but she goes through spurts wearing it to work).

She doesn't put the seat down, she leaves little hairs all over the place, forgets to put the milk back in the fridge, sits on the couch and watches SPORTS, doesn't cook, doesn't clean, etc.

And, you know, she is definitely a woman. And this is socially acceptable.

HOWEVER, in previous relationships, she's had boyfriends that really couldn't handle half of this. She had one who insisted she shave from nose to toe every day, and another who insisted she wear certain pretty girlish things to bed to sleep in.

I'll admit, I went a little over the top portraying my wife as a man, but most of it is true at some level, and I don't really have a problem with any of it. If she did it all because part of her was definitely a man that needed to come out to play every now and then, I don't think I'd see a reason to care, I really don't. I DO try to get her every now and then to CD as a man, and she says "Never!" Why not? She's got at least 75% of the stereotypical "male" bad habits. And she does 25% of the stereotypical female girly things.

But you know what? We had already known each other for quite a long time before we had our first date. I knew she was a hairy mexican chick. I knew (and had accepted her) that she was often slotted in as "one of the guys". I knew this stuff. It's not terribly attractive, but it's definitely not a turn-off for me. I was shocked to hear that she had had problems in relationships for not being girly enough. I accept her exactly as she is, knowing that deep down inside, if she were to go lesbian on me, she'd be a butch lesbian (she *is* bi....). I don't see any reason any of it matters. She's hot, she's sharp as a whip, she's really fun to be with, and, and, and... (And it really hurts to see the parts of our relationship that aren't so good, but they're getting better, she stepped up to plate finally and it seems to be a more lasting effort)

Edit:

I love this, but I want to add that I think it's mostly true about gradual changes, putting on weight or going gray. At least for me, sudden changes (such as wearing makeup & a wig) are disruptive and prevent me from seeing my partner as the same person I first met twenty-six years ago.

My wife and I went a few years without seeing each other at all (we passed information on to each other through my brother, who she kept in touch with, my ex-wife always considered this friendship threatening). I literally went from seeing her as a recently-graduated cheerleader to a chubby middle-aged mexican chick. We have worked it out that the "falling in love" part happened a long time ago and we were just too dumb to do anything about it, but transitioning from "being friends" to "being bf/gf" involved that sort of sudden change, and I still see her as the same person I met 20 years ago. Now, the changes in appearance don't involve presenting as a different gender...

[PaulaQ]

I think CDing as we do it here is mostly a male issue because society accepts women that show a more masculine side.

There are drag kings. There are also FtM TS. But other than those exceptions, of course you are right. Whether it is society or biology that makes the difference, nobody knows, but I'd bet a big heaping helpin' o' biology is involved.

The situation for men and women is just different for a variety of reasons. I don't think anyone can really say how they'll react.

Based on purely unscientific anecdotal evidence, I suspect more GM's would deal well with this than GG's tend to. I know a few dozen MtF TS girls at his point. Exactly two of them are still married. I know about six FtM TS dudes, the two of them who married men are still with their husbands, and I listened to one of the husbands talk about coming out as gay to his family now that his spouse had transitioned.

This sort of surprises me, but then again, I don't understand men, and my sample size (TS folks I know personally) is small.

Fwiw, and please take with a grain of salt, but that's been my experience. I know I was talking about TS rather than CD, but I think we'd mostly agree that for most spouses, including the awesome GG's here, CD is way easier to tolerate than a transitioning spouse.

[Jenniferathome]

...You know, this did get me thinking about acceptance though and whether women are just more tolerant.

I think you have it right Missus. Women have a greater capacity for forgiveness, tolerance, whatever you may want to call it. The funny thing to me is when I consider my wife as a cross dresser, my first thought is, "Why would she want to do that?!" I do think about this when I am dressed. The irony is not lost on me. Her capacity to allow me to be "me" when I need to is astounding. While I would accommodate my wife if she wanted to cross dress, I'd not be as good about it as she.

[TheMissus]

Leona, your wife definitely sounds like a 'tomboy' and sure, society inexplicably accepts this more of women than men. BUT, your wife doesn't wear a fake penis does she? Is she wearing padding to increase her arm muscle? A fake beard? Seriously, she's not crossdressing like everyone here. She's just being a masculine female. There are plenty of feminine men who DON'T crossdress so it's not the same issue.

Men will never really understand what we go through unless they live what Paula mentioned and their wife is FTM (a very rare situation)

Otherwise, the day men decide to wear women clothes without all the other crap (padding, wigs, make up) is the day this argument works. I doubt many here would want that though, because they're not feminine men - they're men emulating women. That's a BIG difference.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I didn't say what my thought were, because I couldn't verbalize them.

My gut reaction was that I wouldn't like it very much at all.

But upon further consideration, based on the fact that I am a CD, I would be more accepting of something different from the traditional binary gender model.

As a CD, I'm only a part time CD. I'm probably fully male 95% of the time, fully female 1% of the time, and mixed the rest of the time. By mixed, I mean shopping for girl clothes in guy mode. So, would I go out with my FtM wife while I was in girl mode? Yes. No doubt about it. Would I go out with my FtM wife while I was in guy mode. Not so sure. I'm not sure if I could handle looking gay. Would I take my FtM wife to the company Christmas party? No way! Is this hypocritical? I guess so. Would I eventually accept? or would I get a divorce? I think I would eventually accept.

But, I don't think you really know until it's reality, not just hypothetical.

[Brooklyn]

Sounds like fun IMHO.

Same here! I'd support her 110%, just imagine the trouble we could get into! Where can I find this Jen Bender?

[PaulaQ]

BTW, I realized I never really answered this question. Yeah, I'd be OK with it if my SO was a FtM crossdresser. I'd go to drag king shows with her. It'd be fun. No problems here. Hey, I don't really even like men, but for her, I'd make an exception - the relationship and person are more important anyway.

So a test would be to ask all the people who have answered in the positive if they would be as supportive if they were not CDers ... if there had never been an iota of desire for expressing anything female and if in fact, the expression of the slightest thing feminine was repulsive. Would they then support their wives' cross-gender expression?

I don't think a double hypothetical proves much of anything. What if I developed wings, and she developed a tail? I think as reasonable of a question as this is, given the audience, we can't really get much from answering it. We're already pretty far out on the limb of fantasy land.

I have a number of specific reasons why I answered yes - for one thing, my life wouldn't be the train wreck it is right now... Also, I think the sex would be awesome. If I weren't trans? ****, who knows - I'd be a totally different person. I can't even begin to guess. (What if I weren't handicapped, and were a star football player? What if I were an astronaut, or a political figure? I mean - who knows what I'd be?)

A lot of the FtM TS guys I know opine that they frankly have it easier in terms of acceptance. This is not to say they have it "easy" - oh no they do not. Just in general, they've felt like they were more accepted as "one of the guys," and had fewer hassles at work. Again, not trying to say their path is easy - it isn't, except in a relative sense, perhaps. (I'm not sure I can comment much more on that other than "if you say so dude - I dunno - what you are going through sounds pretty hard to me..."

I just don't think the situations are symmetrical for a variety of reasons, so as logical seeming of a comparison as this is, I don't really think it holds up.

[suchacutie]

We have an agreement: when my wife wants the male me, she gets him.

As long as the obverse is true, I'm fine with it.