Just got back from having sushi with my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Despite she and I breaking up a few years back it still feels strange seeing her with someone else. This could possibly be in part from me not having been with anyone since her; no arm-candy to double-date with her. It was just the three of us tonight making it a very awkward dinner, for me at least (the bad sushi didn't help either).
But despite how uncomfortable I felt around their happy relationship something bothered me even more. They're normal cis-gendered people.
I know many people on here feel that the CD, TG, TS identities are normal but I cannot personally allow myself to believe that. I don't feel normal. I don't feel right. I don't feel good. This suggests something is wrong. It suggests to me that this is a disorder.
I don't want this. I don't want these feelings. Yes, I want to be female, but I'm not. I'm male, always have been and probably always will be. I don't want to have this ridiculous, likely perverse desire, obsession, whatever you want to call it, to be female. It's just screwing me up and ruining my life. It's true I hate being male but that's what I am, why can't I just accept that and move on? Why can't I just be a cisgendered man? Fine and content with the masculine parts I have.
I want to go out with my ex and her boyfriend with a girl of my own and stop thinking of this nonsense of being that girl.
It's safe to say the effexor has not kicked in yet. Sorry for the bitching and whining and if I offended anyone.